Feeling Alone and Miserable.....

I'm sorry you're going through this! I also felt overburdened and unsupported by my husband during both of my pregnancies. The second time around, I was smarter, and instead of trying in vain to get the help I thought I needed from him, I got it from other people. I don't have family in town, so I relied on my friends for emotional support, and hired people to help with cooking, cleaning, and babysitting. It was very expensive, but worth every penny.

I did try to tell my husband as clearly and lovingly as I could that I felt alone, scared, overwhelmed, and that I really needed to have clean windows and an organized house. My husband decided I was hormonal and tried to be supportive, but didn't actually help out with anything. He was to busy being the he-man breadwinner that many men feel they have to be with a new baby coming. He was upset when he got the bill for the windowcleaning, but he learned that I was serious about getting my needs met.

You need and deserve support at this time, and you should get it where you can. Don't wait around for him to be understanding. Just get the help you need, then try to focus on you and your new baby!

Good luck!

Hi C.,

I am sorry you are going through a tough time right now. I felt similar towards the end of my pregnancy. Going off of my own experiences and what you write here, I'll share my perspective.

First, when a woman is pregnant, her nesting instincts can be in overdrive. I wanted to scrub and bleach every inch of my house 10x over. Take a look at what you want to get done, and decide if it *really, truly* needs to get done before the baby, or if it's your hormones talking. All a newborn needs is clothes, a carseat, and a place to sleep. Lessen your expectations on what your house should look like. Enlist the help of your son and step-son. Kids that age can set and clear a table, and dust at the very least.

You're now a SAHM, and your husband may be wondering why you can't handle all the household chores on your own. All I can say is don't nag, and don't criticize what he does do. Men and women just do not do the chores the same, for the most part! This is a great time to ask some females over (friends, neighbors, relatives...) and have them help you.

Hang in there. You're baby will be here before you know it!

First off - (((((((C.))))))) Hugs to you.

Ok, it's no big secret: Men are selfish. Point blank. No way around it. Some worse than others. I am pregnant now and do not want to stress myself out. So I pick and choose my battles with hubby. Non-pregnant me and a wet towel on the bed (put there by hubby) would spark a snide comment. He'd say something rude back and a little mini spiff would occur. Pregnant me pulls the wet towel off the bed and gets it off the floor later when I pass the laundry.

18 years down the road when your son or daughter is graduating from HS it won't matter if laundry didn't get done for the week while you were pregnant or the dishes didn't get done, or you didn't vacuum the hallway. Do what you can. Sure the house may be a little messier than you are used to, but it's only temporary. This too shall pass so don't stress over it. Take care of yourself and the baby. If your husband isn't thinking about you then YOU think about YOU. After the baby is born, think about YOU some more. In time you'll be back to your old self and the house will be spiffy once again. But until then don't worry about your "dear sweet" hubby. Let him be a butt-head while you nurture yourself.

If you still need some help then maybe ask a neighborhood babysitter if they would like to earn some extra cash and help with laundry and little things around the house. My single friend did that all the time when she was pregnant. Her 14 year old neighbor made a little extra cash and my friend got some help.

Either way, you need to find a system during this time that works for you and go with it.Remember, it's only temporary.

Let us know how things go!

Do you have any girlfriends or relatives that will help you get things done during the day? If not, let us at Mamasource know where you live and what times are convenient and you'll get some part-time volunteers!!

I prepared for my baby mostly by myself (one of the reasons my ex is now my ex). My step-daughter who was 17 at the time helped me too. I do also agree that we want to have everything perfect before a baby comes and men do not understand that and how strong a nesting instinct can be. You can't make him understand and you can't make him help you, so don't waste your precious energy. Ask for help from someone else!

Hi C..
It is overwhelming, and I feel empathy in what you are dealing with. My husband was very supportive with my first pregnancy, but not very much on the second one. It was like "been there, done that" for him. I finally thought what "exactly" I wanted to happen, and let him know this, and where I was coming from. It was a good start.

Think if what you need is one hour alone, or him to take ownership on planning for the physical changes of the room (and as you delegate, it is his commitment to finish it, not yours). The most important thing is for you to concentrate on being mentally strong and ready for your new baby and yourself. how can yo achieve this? How can your husband help? What is your biggest load right now?

C.,
He is probably stressed about having 4 kids to care for. I guess I'd start by opening a conversation about how HE is feeling. Like after the kids are in bed, "You have seemed really stressed lately...what is worrying you?" or "Do you have any concerns about things after the baby comes?" That might let him share that he's scared and worried about things too, but is trying to 'be a man' and not let you see it. Even if he doesn't open up, consider if this is how he's feeling and try to be understanding. You may need to consider getting some couples counseling too.

As far as getting ready for the baby, see if you can get the kids out of the house for the weekend - get some friends or family to give you at least 1 whole day and night to yourself. I did this before my daughter was born and I was able to finish at least the big things on my pre-baby 'to do' list. I felt SO much better, that even though not everything was done, I at least felt like I could handle things if she came early (she was born 3 days later, 2 wks early). I recommend getting at least 24 hrs to yourself because then you will also have time to treat yourself to a nice dinner and good nights sleep and maybe some alone time with your husband too.

Hang in there and congratulations on a new little one! Remember to enjoy that baby - the house can be cleaned later!

C.,

As a mother of four, three at one time under the age of 4, I can understand how you are feeling. I thought when my girls were little, that everything had to be "done" and in my time. I have a wonderful friend who has taught me that really, the ONLY thing you have to have "done" before the baby comes is to have clothing washed for your baby and a place to sleep. If you don't have the room painted, arranged, decorated, if your house is not clean, windows washed, trashcans scrubbed, that it really doesn't matter. What matters at this point, is that you stay rested, calm and nourished. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

Now, that being said, I am also one of those people who likes to have everything clean, put away, and looking perfect. My family describes my pickiness when we are cleaning as "Mom is getting ready for the president to drop by!" I like things done just so. But what I have learned from my friend is that it is more important to be rested, calm and nourished. All the other stuff is gravy.

So, my dear C., ask for some help from friends, don't get overworked over something that someday will seem very trivial, relax and enjoy this pregnancy and take care of yourself. You will once again very soon have the energy to take on the task of keeping your house clean, your family fed and that precious baby held. Congratulations on your upcoming birth! I wish you well!

C.

Boy, I'm hoping for you that your hubby is going through a stage and it'll get better.

I've been able to change my hubby a little, by sort of going on an unofficial strike. I stop worrying about the little things around the house like sweeping, dishes, etc. After a while, my standards were lowered when I realized that I didn't have to live in a pristine house and have a perfect yard, etc. I do things when they absolutly have to be done. I'm also pregnant and I also just don't have the same energy as I did when I wasn't pregnant. Try not to take on so much yourself...and, if things don't get done...it's not really that important. If the house is messy or yard needs upkeep,...so be it. When I would ask my hubby to do stuff and he'd constantly forget, etc...(because it's not a priority for him) I'd get mad and fight with him, making me look like a nag. Try not to be a nag and just let things go. If he doesn't like the messy house, etc...he can start helping instead of assuming it's your job...as you are doing. But, maybe you have to lower your standards for a little while. I tell ya, letting go of alot of that really has made me a different person of which...my hubby and I don't fight nearly as much about those little things. I choose my battles to keep the peace.

ahhh men. if only they could go through this, huh? have you tried signing up for babycenter.com? they have a place for you to send emails to your spouse so he can understand everything you are going through. the site will email him weekly to tell him al about what is happening with you and the baby (and talk about being ready for the baby incase you go early). your husband may not be the type to read the emails, but who knows?! otherwise, i think you will just have to stay strong and figh tit out. i know you are exhausted-me, too! i am pregnant with my third and have a 3 yr old and a one year old...plus do daycare for 10 kids. believe me, i know you are tired. but-if you don't fight this until you pass out it will never get better. you have to make him understand how hard it is for you. show him book sthat explain how tired you are. tell him..."you don't want to get ready for the baby b/c of whatever reason..." (you didn't say), "but I made a lung and a heart today. can you beat that?" i'm not much help butjust wanted you to know that it shoud lbe all about you b/c you are working very hard to give him something that he doesn't have to do much work to have. Good luck!

You poor thing! I have two young girls 16 months apart, so I understand the stress and hard work that it is to be pregnant esp. with another young one at home. I was 37 weeks along with my second when my husband's job decided to move him 2 hours away. We had to find a place to move and then I was left to pack the house and care for our 16 month old. I understand stress! It sounds like you really need a hug- and deserve one too! Since being pregnant I have been informed that I was a major B**** while pregnant. I still don't agree with that, but I just think men don't understand how urgent our feelings are. I have found the best way to get my point across when I'm really upset is to write a letter. Then I rewrite it and take out all the hostility. Sometimes it takes 4 drafts, but it ends up explaining my thoughts and feelings w/o blaming him for things. Use a lot of "I feels" and "it would help me a lot when" or "it is very important to me, it would really help the family" etc. This helps me keep my cool while still getting my point across. I have trouble keeping my mouth shut and not getting snotty, so I have found this process helps me. Perhaps you could give it a try. Take a deep breath mamma, you can do this, and you are doing great!!! Good luck!

Not knowing your entire circumstances, I'm wondering if your husband is worried about something and for whatever reason is keeping those concerns to himself. Instead, while he thinks he's keeping that worry to himself, that "worry" is being expressed by his short behavior. If finances, insurance, job worries, fear of being left to care for your other children while you're in the hospital, or any other host of things are weighing on his mind, he too is probably in no condition to handle "extras" such as duties around the house etc.

I'm not excusing his behavior, but I do think if you can pinpoint where "he's" coming from, the two of you can come together and start working on how things should go from here on out once the "due date" arrives.

Afterall, having children isn't easy, let alone caring for them and yourself. I'm sure he's tired too. Just try to be understanding, and patient so that you can have peace before the baby comes.

I'd recommend easing up a little bit on future worries. If there are things that need to get done with set up for the baby, enlist sisters/siblings, friends, even your mom or in-laws to help. Invite them over for a "girls" type weekend and have them help you set up the baby room, and/or do a cooking party where they help you make a ton of make-ahead meals you can put in the freezer for when baby comes. You can even send guests home with meals of their own as a thank-you. If you need pampering, ask friends to join you for a day at the spa for something as simple as a pedicure if money is tight, or more extravagant like a weekend getaway for the girls. Many spas even have "pregnancy massage" packages.n See if you can get mom or siblings to take your kids for the weekend, or for playdates during the week. Or join a playgroup in your neighborhood, so at the very least you can get a break from your other youngsters.

In short, listen to your man and his words. He probably feels your attention is divided and not focused on him. He needs luvin and care too. Give him your attention. Find out how you can help him to feel better, and he'll more than likely come around. Be flexible in answering his requests, even though you're tired. Look to friends and family for the rest! You're goal now should be looking at how to best adjust to a new addition at home. Perhaps managing expectations, and realize that somethings like keeping the house really clean just won't be the norm until the kids are older. The key is find out what you and DH can be happy to live with and strive for it starting now.

Hope this helps.
N

Hello C. - I am due in 2 1/2 weeks with my second baby and am having the exact same feelings that you are. I want everything done before the baby comes and at first my husband wouldn't help with a thing...he just didn't realize how tired I was and that I couldn't handle working full time, keeping the house clean, cooking, moving things from here to there, etc. We had to sit down and I had to explain to him that we work outside the house the exact same hours so what makes him think that while he comes home and lays on the couch to watch tv or play videogames (his addiction) that I have enough energy being 9 1/2 pregnant to cook him and my daughter supper, do dishes, vaccuum, clean bathrooms and do laundry? It helped to sit down and talk about it...it sounds dumb but I actually took the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book and showed him the daddy tips and the parts where it said us pregnant women have every right to be tired and to get extra help. It also helped to ask other mothers how exhausted they were when they were pregnant, in front of my husband, so that he would realize that this being tired and not wanting to work a lot wasn't just an excuse I made up to get him to do all of the work. Another thing that helped is I would say what needed to get done, one thing at a time, but follow it up with "if I COULD do it, I would. Will you please help me?" I know these tips aren't going to fix everything (for example: last night it rained and we have water literally coming through our ceiling and I know that'll not get fixed anytime soon; and I've been asking him to vaccuum out our cars so we can actually put a baby in there without it getting God knows what!) But hopefully this helps. Feel free to write back, even if it is just to vent - I just did that to you a little!! Anxiety goes away after pregnancy right? :)

Do you think he would be open to counseling? It could be a neutral person to work out some issues. I know your busy/tired now, but it won't be any better when the baby comes. I also worry about post-partum depresson. I had that and it was so hard. Extra stress, and lack of support does not help your situation now or when the baby comes. He's not seeing that your reaching out for help from him and he's getting defensive. You could also try to schedule some time to talk- not accusingly, but honestly when you don't have your other daughter there and can take the time you need to talk. It sounds like how you approach him will be important in getting him to listen and by into what you are say. Family members too could be helpful depending on the situation. Best of luck. I know of a good counselor in st. paul if interested.

Shelley

Some men seem to have a hard time understanding how women feel, especially when they are pregnant. If you are still working 42 hours per week AND taking care of 2 or 3 other children, no wonder you are so tired! You need to take time for yourself and your unborn child. Are you taking rest times, naps? Probably not. Those things need to be worked into your day somehow-cutting back on work hours and using childcare or family, friend and neighbor care. As far as the nursery-all you really need is a crib and a rocking chair-right? My motto is: "Don't sweat the small stuff", I was 32 when I was pregnant with my 4th child and so tired I couldn't believe it. Sometimes I just went to the bedroom and closed the door for a rest or nap, (when my husband was home of course). The rest of the family figured things out! I hope things work out well for you.

Hi C.
Sorry to hear you are feeling alone and miserable. I had two boys that are 13 months apart and it was tough as well. My husband was working full time and I was pregnant with our second when I was working full time. My advise to you is, just do the best you can. Don't stress yourself out. If the dishes don't get done and the beds don't get fixed, so be it. If your husband get's upset, so be it. He obviously has some growing up to do and realizing that the world does not revolve around him!! I know this is a stressful time for you right now, but that baby is going to come weather you are ready for it or not. He or she will be loved and well cared for no matter if you are ready. Take one day at a time and don't worry about tomorrow, it will take care of itself.
Best of luck to you and your new baby. I hope your husband learns soon that the world doesn't just revolve around him.
Best of luck
Jamie Isaacson

Have u tried telling him that it is about the baby and that if he doesnt do it now to help he will be doing it alone after the baby gets here? I know some guys feel selfish and like the whole world is going to change after a baby is born. It is actually kinda interesting that a grown man would feel inferior to a baby. All i know to tell u to do is to talk to him. If he starts to yell tell him that u are going to pack a bag and stay at a friends or something for the night. My hubby and I have a word that we say to snap each other back into reality. Maybe say something off the wall or like we do.....bull s#$#@....it is amazing how fast that word can snap u back into reality. We all sometimes go off about things when we feel threatened. I hope this gets better for you!

Sometimes men just don't get it. Even the best husbands don't understand how HARD it is to be pregnant! How can they? It's impossible to imagine, and that is probably making him feel insecure and helpless, but I agree it SHOULD be all about you at this point. You're not being selfish. If you have told him and the message isn't getting through to him, you may have to look for help elsewhere.
If you have family or friends close by, have them help with child care or baby preparations. Or hire a teenager or pre-teen to be a mother's helper a few hours each day (they usually don't charge much).
Good luck! I know what you're going through and wish you all the very best.

Have you made a list of the things that you need/want done? I know that making a list during my 3rd pregnancy put things into perspective for me as to what I needed to really have done and what could possibly wait. My husband didn't help at all with any of the 3 pregnancys. In fact we didn't get the 2nd one's room completely finished and painted till he was 13 mo old. Oh ya, it still doesn't have trim up, and we now have another son in there who is 8 mo old. What I am saying is that my house doesn't look horrible, but it is lived in and doesn't look bad, but I have done most all of it myself.
You can't make someone do something, but you can decide what is important to you for you to be able to handle it.
Sorry, I know not really what you wanted, but all I can say is that I understand, I have been there, and try to make the best of it!!

Do you have any family around? This is what I would do because I am confident my husband would respond to it - not sure if yours would or not. What about asking a brother, sister, mother, father, uncle, aunt, close friend to help you with some of the things your husband is not helping you with? I know if someone else was coming in to our house to work on projects that my husband was supposed to be doing it would send a clear message as to the lack of his involvement and help. He would be embarrassed that someone else had to come help because he was being such a blockhead! Just a thought! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy that baby!

C.,

Fighting with your husband about something he probably won't change is only going to wear you out more. Stop fighting and take matters into your own hands. Make a list of everything that needs to get done including the daily chores then decide what is really important and focus on those. Try to get friends or family to help out with either taking the kids off your hands or doing some of the tasks on your list. And in the end as long as you can feed, dress and shelter your baby, the rest can wait.

Good luck and enjoy that new little baby!

Hello! Courney, My name: E. Terry.
How are you? hopefully you are feeling better today. I just want to let you know, i do understand; i have 4 children my self and i do know the feeling of being alone. if you want to get intouch, i"ll love to be a sopport.

____@____.com

Oh hang in there...
My husband and I go through periods like that. Sometimes there is something going on with him and the more I push the longer it takes to get it out of him. I push and he retreats. Sometimes I can get his attention by backing off. He notices that I am not "harping on him". Then he will open up, or he will become more generous and give me more of what I need. It is interesting how that works. Just give him space. If worse comes to worst you will have to finish getting ready after the baby comes. You and many other women have done it before. It may be less upsetting than all the upset you are going through now trying to get him to help. I feel for you, I really do.
Good luck,
A.