Feeling Alone - Laurel,MD

I too have sought counseling alone when the other party (not a spouse but a family member) would not agree to go and let me tell you, it's the best thing I ever did. You mention that you want to leave the marriage but it sounds like you are more willing to try with the help of counseling and I would encourage you to try. You also don't mention the communication between you and your husband so I don't know what has been discussed or not. There may be some depression issues as it sounds like your husband is isolating himself. Does he interact with the kids? Also, I hate to bring it up, but it could be an issue if he spends a lot of time on the computer or watching TV but look out for pornography or online "relationships" that he is fulfilling himself with. I wish you the best and I'm sorry for your struggle.

P.,

Put your foot down and stand up to this man! I agree that all men are not innately equipped emotionally to want or need to take care of children like women but COME ON, they are still adults! Adults who should understand and assume the responsibility of having a child. I have learned the hard way that if you give a man some slack they will take it and then continue to expect it! I did counseling with my husband when he seemed "disconnected" and spent too much time on the computer and he admitted that he didn't know what to do with our son which was a big step for him to admit that. I suggest things to do with our now 2 children but I will not accept being a single married mother. We agreed that when the kids are awake there is no computer time. Anything he needs or wants to do on the computer can be done when the kids are asleep. But mostly I want to remind you that you are the only one that lives with yourself, no one else. Do what you need to do to make YOU happy. And consequently it will have an affect on everyone around you including the kids. I think you should exhaust your options to stay in the marriage before you start thinking of the alternative but from my experience with friends that have been in your situation and have stayed for the kids or any other reason (what their family might think, etc) it has always affected the kids in the long run. Here are some things that helped me in my marriage that I can share:
1. Plan a "date" night at least once a month to get to know each other again. Most couples don't even know or remember who their spouse is.
2. Plan a "me" night once a week and have dad watch the kids. Do whatever you want. I meet up with a girlfriend which is my real ONLY outlet these days considering I don't have a lot of time for myself.
3. Set-up a time to "talk", yes like put it on your calendar (it's the only way some times to get some time to have a real conversation). Your husband is not going to like it but explain to him that it is important. Don't talk about the kids or schedules, etc... talk about you and your relationship.
4. Assign one day a week when your husband is not working to get up with your daughter, sleep, stay awake and read, whatever! Don't come out until you are feeling rested. Mine is Sunday ;)
5. Learn to compromise but ONLY together. No one person should be doing all the compromising. Be flexible and ask the same from him.

I hope that helps. Hang in there & good luck. Please reach out to the people who love and care about you if you need ANYTHING!!! Marriage problems are really hard to deal with alone.

it's so surprising to so many of us how hard having a longed-for, beloved baby can be on a marriage. we assume that we'll be in tune with so many things like parental styles and discipline and so often it's just not the case.
it sounds as if he's suffering from a good old-fashioned case of depression, and you may be too. good for you for going for counseling! it's your best bet, even if he won't go with you. communication is definitely lacking here, and counseling can give you tools to express yourself better to each other. if he won't go, at least you can find out how to lovingly and clearly get across to him how you feel and what's coming down the pike if he's not willing to meet you halfway. i'm betting that he does love you and the girls and want a good life with you, he's just stuck in his head and hasn't figured out that's it long past time for him to deal with the changes in his life and work it out.
counseling will probably help your marriage and it will certainly help YOU.
good luck.
khairete
S.

I really feel for you. I know a lot of men that withdraw during stress and do not have the right approach to dealing with it - be it lack of proper example while growing up, introverted personality type, something that has happened to them while forming attachments, etc. So many times they withdraw to the computer and completely try to avoid the situation...on top of that, you have tons of stress, working, taking care of a toddler, dealing with step-child stress, and going to school!! That would be tough on any one. When I was first married, I had 2 step-kids and was trying to deal with the adjustment, plus we had just moved and my DH was just getting back from Iraq and getting out of the military, looking for a new job. He would spend countless hours on the computer and I felt so alone - I would cry every night and thought What did I get myself into!!? I do not believe in divorce, but had no idea how to reconcile the situation because all the tactics I tried were useless. I said a prayer and asked God to take over because I couldn't do anything to rectify the situation myself. Things didn't change over night, but I did feel like I was not alone any more...I felt God take the burdens from my shoulders and He reassured me that He would not leave me or forsake me - he also wouldn't give me more than I could bear. I know everything happens for a reason and that if I remained strong and had the fortitude to get through the first stressful years, that I would be able to handle anything that came my way - and when it comes down to it - NO MAN is better!! Everyone has problems, so I might as well stay and deal with the ones I was already committed to and had a stake in. And honestly, I am glad I did - my life is not always perfect, but we bought a house and have settled in - after 3 moves I finally feel like I can relax - and the kids have adjusted to the new situation, and now I am expecting a new addition to the family! I have had to be patient, but with constant prayer, my DH has slowly started turning away from his withdrawal and opening up to me and the family more - he has always been a good provider, but he canceled his membership to a computer site he was on all the time, and he has been doing more around the house to help me, etc....it took 3 years, but he has made vast changes slowly over time. Also - whenever he was on the computer, I used to plead and nag and beg for him to get off - and he would just play more - so I started ignoring it - I would call my mom, go visit someone, etc...and then he started missing me. You can find fulfillment in other areas than relying on him...it will be hard, and not ideal, but it is necessary!!! For you, it could take a while for him to see where you're coming from, but 2 year olds are difficult, on top of everything you already have on your plate - so just try to hang in there, pray, and things won't stay the same forever....I will keep you in my prayers and please let us know how things are progressing.....you can always vent to us!!

You are looking for marriage advice it seems to me, not divorce advice, so please don't take the harsh words below to heart unless/until you are ready for that.

Counselors deal all the time with only one person in the marriage who is willing to get help, and they can be amazing at improving the situation even if only one is coming to sessions. He or she can help you communicate with your husband and let him know your needs. He or she will also be able to help you assess whether or not you want to end the marriage. I'd strongly encourage you to go, especially if you are feeling alone.

You can go to vipcare.org to find a list of counseling professionals and pastors who counsel.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situaiton. I strongly encourage you to go to counseling on your own. I am not in the exact situation - I sought therapy because I wanted to deal with my own history. But my history affects my relationship with my husband, and frequently my therapist and I work on how I view him, how he pisses me off, and how I communicate to him in good and bad ways.

The reason for you to go is threefold. First, you can learn ways for you to communicate with your husband better. That doesn't mean he will be receptive, but it may help. He has issues and you need strategies to get through to him. It also lets you look objectively at yourself - do you understand your husband's persepective? Do you do things to make the situaiton worse? Do you increase the distance between you? Regardless if he is now acting like a jerk, it doesn't make it okay to shut down and fixate on blaming him. For instance, you say you didn't mind when he left your bedroom at first. When and how did you invite him back? Clearly I don't know you, but I know that therapy shows you things about yourself you can't alsways see on your own.

Second, if you go and make an effort, you might be surprised that he is more willing. If there is actually an appointment on the calendar, and you ask him to go with you to "Your appointment" - that's very different then saying he needs marriage counseling. Sometimes the delivery or wording of the invitation matters.

Third, if the marriage ends, I believe it is good to document your husband's behavior and it's impact on you. It could probably be argued tha the has caused and estrangement (moving out of the bedroom) and this has had a profound impact on you and your marital relationship. It is also good to show that he was unwilling to work on the marriage, whereas you went to counceling and were working on the marriage.

Hearing your side, your husband is acting self-absorbed to say the least. He also sounds a little depressed. I think a lot of marriage problems are due to unmet expectations. I wonder if you and he had radically different expectations of parenthood (actually having the child) and of what your roles would be (like who would be promary caregiver). My guess is you both did not understand each other's expectations prior to having a child or one of you has changed and broke promises.
Either way you need to set some clear expectations and rules about how to parent, and a therapist can help you sort out the differences of opionion. Therapy is really setting strategies for success. This can be true for your marriage, but also to parent (and may still be needed if you seperate - it won't get any easier to parent if you divorce).

Having a child can cause more stress on a marriage than anyone can envision. And if there are pre-existing issues a child can make those worse. I will say, I think everything gets easier after the first three years, but that was jus tmy experience. Hopefullly you can work this out, but even if you can't, your husband needs to engage with his daughter more. He is missing out and so is she.

dont leave the marriage untill you finnish shcool then you will be better off.

i would find out what the rules are in your state as to divorce and money you may end up paying him.

start documenting everything that he does and dosent do.

so if he tries to get custody of your D then you have a stronger case.

just stop doing stuff for him.
tell him if he wants to be part of the family marriage then it has to be all of it.

do not see other men untill you are out of the marriage simply because that makes it stronger for his case when you get a Divorce.

It's great that you have decided to pursue the counseling for yourself. It ought to help you clarify your thoughts further on this issue and come up with some sort of plan that feels most comfortable for the family. Most importantly, you must find a way of communicating your feeling of "aloneness" to your husband so he can have a chance to respond. Perhaps a letter expressing your feelings might be a start...

P. - I will be praying for you both, and for your children as well. I know this has been terrible for you and I do believe that all people involved need to contribute to the solution. First of all, forgive. It will free you. Then, work toward what you need to do to resolve this, if you can. Unfortunately, we can't change another person or force them do something and then expect a positive outcome. I learned that one the hard way. Just do what you need to do for you, and hopefully your husband will see the changes in you and be attracted to them. I agree with the other ladies that even if he doesn't want to be with you, he can't shut his daughter out. That is something he will regret forever if he keeps it up. I will be praying for you all.

Have you ever read Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin ? If not please think about it.

P., SM offered some great words of encouragement and I too took some of her words for advice for myself. Nonetheless I'd like to add, by you accepting him moving out of the bedroom for what you thought would be temporary, created this issue. Just as SM stated somewhere expectations were not met on how you all were going to parent. Now you are parenting to two of his kids,but only one of yours. It almost seems like you allowed him to go off and do what he wants and now he likes it and he isn't quite ready to come back to reality b/c the fantasy is much more enjoyable. SM had a great point saying do all that you need to do to prove to him and possibly the courts, if it comes to that, but I was like her I would have cursed him out and given an ultimatum! But UM, that's me, I'm a no-nonsense person, b/c I'll-be-darn if you come to me with one and leave me with two. He needs to be a damn man and realized his children need him. Good Luck, sorry if I sound like I too was venting.

I am sorry you are feeling so alone, that's truly an awful and often hopeless place to be. We are expecting our first, and have come a long way in our 11 years of marriage - just a little background so you know where my perspective comes from.

I went to counseling on my own for almost 3 years after I thought things were never going to change, etc. We started together and then my husband refused to return. What I would offer is that no matter which way things go, what you decide to do, and what your intentions are, counseling for just yourself is one of the most useful things you can invest in. It's not a husband-bashing session, it really becomes about you - what you are willing to live with, what you're not, how to convey your needs and wants, and how to decide on a course of action for your life. I was lucky, we're together now and are happy, but for a long time I was not sure we would make it. If we weren't still together I believe I would still see the counseling work I did as a lifelong benefit.

Best of luck,
J

Two things come to mind:

1. He's being incredibly selfish.
2. The only person you can change is yourself.

That said the counceling, even if just for yourself, sounds great! Through it you may find, or reinforce your belief, that the current situation is not working/healthy. Do you really want your 2yo to grow up with a father that "doesn't want to be bothered" with her?? A girls relationship with her father molds her future relationships with men......

P.,
you sound like you are in a lot of pain - but the good news is that you are talking about it; exhaling per say, not internalizing.
from experience, continue to communicate with your husband as best as possible, without judgment, and continue to take care of yourself. as you find happiness, solutions will always follow - and happiness follows solutions.
this sounds glib but only you know what your feelings are, thus your solutions. keep talking. this is such a common story; we, as mothers, have all gone through aspects of this.
and most of all, enjoy your baby girl!

Hello P.,
I really feel for you and what you have been going though. You are obviously a strong woman to be carrying all this weight on your shoulders alone. It does sound like you are "alone" in that your husband has not only checked out of your marriage, but out of being a father as well. This is incredibly sad, especially since you went though IVF to have your daughter. You not only need your husband to snap back into the reality of family life for the sake of your relationship, but for the sake of his relationships with his children, who need their father. I applaud you on going to counseling even though he refuses. I wish there was a way to get your husband to go with you, but as we know, no one can force him. I think the only thing you can do is what is best for you and the children's mental and emotional well being.
My advice to you is to continue with counseling for support and guidance. If your husband does not care enough for your marriage and family to work, and continues to refuse counseling and continues to remain "checked out", then perhaps you have to set out in making a life with you and the children without him. I know this is difficult to read, but I really think it is best for you to be able to provide a healthy home for these children; and having a parent who does nothing, and acts as if he has no parental obligation, is only going to hurt them in the long run. Divorce is hard, but sometimes leads to a healthier environment for everyone involved.
I hope this helps you P. and does not upset you. I say all this in a heartfelt way. I do not want you to think that I take divorce lightly, because I do not. I am going on assumption that you have already exhausted all other means to, for lack of better words, "get your husband back"- the man that you married. I wish you luck in everything you do. Always remember that you are strong.

Your husband need to stop being so selfish and GROW UP. Getting up with HIS daughter is h*** o* HIM. If he has not moved back to your room are we to assume you haven't been intimate since the birth of your daughter? That in itself can cause a lot of damage to a relationship, especially if he feels all your attention goes to the baby. Men are jealous overgrown kids (in most cases). I would start counseling on your own and try to convince him to go. Some men for some reason have problems when kids are little and needy...I guess they don't have the nurturing genes or are just too selfish. Ask him to take a deep look at your relationship and see why he is still there if he really doesn't act like he wants to be? You take a look too and see why you are putting up with him? I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Good luck.

Children definitely change a marriage. They come on the scene demanding lots of time and attention. And almost always parents don't agree on parenting techniques. You are so busy working I don't see how you have time for yourself and your husband. Maybe he is feeling alone too. You are on the right track to go to counseling. Most men don't like counseling. Could you get a babysitter and go out with your husband a couple times per month? You don't want a divorce. Children need Mom and dad. Pray. Treat your husband with great respect .. act sexy and entice him back to bed with you. I pray you will work things out. AF

I know you have a lot of responses to work through all ready but I wanted to tell you that I completely sympathize with you! You and I are basically single parents with all of the difficulties that come with that position + a moping husband!!!! My husband and I have custody of his 13 yo from his 1st marriage and now have a 1 yo. I have done absolutely everything for our baby son this past year with very little exception. I also do virtually everything for my stepson - way more than either of his parents do. My husband isn't a bad person - he literally has no idea how to be with children and what to do. The few times he has helped me I have to walk him through every little thing - 0 instinct on his part. Maybe your husband is in the same boat? How is he with your older child? It seems that the older my stepson gets the better my husband gets with him. Your husband definitely needs to move back into the bedroom. He shouldn't be that isolated or removed from the marital bed. If your daughter is sleeping in your bed, it's time for the crib in her own room. But the main question is - is he willing to work on this relationship? You can't do it alone. No one can say what path is right for you but I would definitely consider counseling if for no other reason than to get this off of your chest with an unbiased listener! I wish you the best of luck and again, you have my sympathy.

When I read your post...I exhaled...because I can relate. Unfortunately, you can only do what you can - anotherwords, you cannot make your husband do or act in ways that he doesn't want to or isn't willing to. The addition of a child on a marriage can test it to its core. And if BOTH participants in the marriage aren't committed to the process of marriage, family & the future - it won't work. I have known my husband for almost 15 yrs. We have a 3 yr old son. Things have seeminly gotten worse in the last 3 yrs! It's very unfortunate, but I nor you can either blame ourselves completely or be in control of what the husband's do or don't do. Meditate...pray...do all that you feel you can to save your marriage & family. However, the most important thing to note is that you cannot save it on your own/by yourself. Both people have to want to make it work. And do actions to make that happen. I wish you well - know that your children will be ok...no matter what happens as long as they know that they're loved.

Wow, P.. You're really having a tough time, and I just wanted you to know that the first few years are the roughest. You had a tough time conceiving, a c-section, and you're a step-mom and wife. That's a lot by itself. Add to that a job and graduate school, and it's a wonder you have the energy to write that note. I don't want to imply that you caused this breech or that you can even fix it alone. First, consider how and when all of this happened. Ask yourself if you have been emotionally there for your husband, which is why he's not back in the bedroom and on computer all night. You have some legitimate challenges, but they don't negate the fact that your husband still needs you as his wife. Only you can answer this question: did you stop being his wife to become a mother, caregiver, student, employee? Where is he in the list of priorities and is it being communicated to him that he's last? Do you talk to him about his day or just hand the baby to him when he comes home? Do you always talk about the children and demand his involvement? In year one, did you instantly become mommy and not offer to go out on dates with him? I don't know. A c-section usually means 8-12 weeks recovery and the sex drive might have been nonexistent. Was there any communication about this? These are questions a therapist or a mentor can help you work through. Really try to think when did he emotionally disconnect? You mentioned you went through IVF, so he might have felt disillusioned after the baby was born or even before. Men sometimes express depression and anger by withdrawing instead of dealing with their emotions. He might have felt as frustrated as you prior to the baby being born, and then when parenthood is not what you imagined, it can cause depression. I'm only guessing. I'd probably pursue therapy or counsel with a trusted mentor or church program just for my own healing, even if he's not on board. Maybe if he sees me recovering, he'll confront his own emotions and come out of the guest bedroom back to our bedroom and back into the family. Leave the door open to communication. In other words, do your part in trying to heal the relationship. You can't do it alone, but you can at least do your part. If the marriage ends, it won't be because you didn't try. If it recovers, have a victory dance together and just realize that this is a season in your relationship. You can get through this, but it will take the two of you working together. Meanwhile, get help for yourself first so that you can be strong enough to help him through when the time arises.

The baby is 2 now it is time for him to come back or get out. He helped you make that wonderful Baby girl, so he need to man up.
I hope every things gets better for your family, Good Luck.

My heart is breaking for you right now. I know how hard it is to work and care for our daughter and there are days I know I couldnt go on if it werent for my husband. I know I dont have advice as I cant imagine trying to walk in your shoes- they are too big for me. But I do know an amazing counselor if you want to go as a pair or by yourself. My husband and I had issues with his family when we first got married and we sought the assistance of a counselor in McLean. I could give you her number- but it definitely helped me see his side of things and taught me ways to talk to him. Her name is Susan Pan.
Just know that even though you might not have a ton of responses to your question- its not because no one wants to help... its probably because, like you, few will know where to even begin.
If you work downtown or live inside the beltway in NoVa I'd be happy to meet up for coffee or lunch.
Sending a big hug...

For my husband I sat him down and explained how he was missing the best years of being a Dad. Before he knows it his girls will be gone and he missed it all.

I found out my husband felt I no longer had time for him and was envious of all of the time I was spending with the kids. Most men don't understand, so laying it out in the open with clear intentions (I want to spend more time with you, but I can't if I am the only one taking care of the family. Can you please take them to the park, fold clothes... etc). Make sure your kids have lots of family time, then allow yourself time to spend with just the two of you.

When I brought up counceling with my husband, he had no idea anything was "that wrong", and we worked it out on our own. Don't give up, the struggle is normal. My husband still has to be sat down and have things pointed out to him, but do it in a kind way and explain that you miss him.

About me:

40 yo together with my husband for 22 years, mom of 2 girls 16 yo and 11 yo.

Hi P.! I don't know the type of person that you are, but I'm a pretty direct person. It sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with your husband. It sounds like you've grown apart and may want different things. In a calm matter-of-fact tone, I would share how you are feeling (him moving out of the bedroom, being distant, etc.). Ask him to help you to understand what is going on.

He may not say what you want to hear, but isn't it better to find out now instead of hanging in there wishing, hoping, and praying that things will change for the better? I've been divorced for four years. While I do believe that marriage can be a wonderful thing and can be salvaged when two people are willing to work on it together (the fact that he is not willing to seek counseling with you, tells me that he's not interested in changing things for the better. It's the ol' saying - actions speak louder than words), I decided that my ex-husband and myself had grown apart. I cut to the chase and had the conversation with my ex about my concerns and we split. I'm now a single parent.

Now, I can assure you that life as a single parent is not easy. However, I'd rather be a single parent and have peace in my life. I'm a low-key kind of person. I don't want any unnecessary stress in my life or my daughters life.

I hope this helps! Best of luck!

M. L. : )

Dear P., It is hard to give advice with only one side of the story. I feel very badly for you. Having to sleep alone at night, knowing your "companion" refuses to be with you is the worst feeling. Apparently your husband is having some issues of his own. I would definitely start with counseling by myself and see if he will eventually join you in order to save your relationship. You've come so far toghether. YOu have to give it your best shot. Best of luck.....I.