Fearful 6 Year Old

I was a cautious child--the other children were always too rough and too loud. I could always see consequences a few steps removed. My parents tried a number of things, the best of which was just letting me be myself. She will probably grow out of a lot of it, but you can't change her personality.

I suggest talking it over with her. Ask why she doesn't want to do stuff and really listen to her answers. Try reflecting her answers back to her, but phrasing them as positives not negatives. It will help her accept her feelings and move on, maybe she will even accept her carefulness and become a little braver.

For example: Mommy, "Why don't you want to go down the slide?" Girl, "I don't like it." M, "What about it don't you like?" G, "It's too high." M, "When you're up high, you worry about falling?" G, "Yes." M, "It's okay to worry. You are someone who thinks about things. Smart people can see a lot of possibilities. But if you want to and are careful, I'm sure you can do it. Being careful doesn't have to stop you from having fun."

But if she doesn't want to do it immediately after this conversation, don't keep trying to persuade her to do it. Sometimes it takes a little while for ideas to seep in. She might feel self conscious right away, but the next time or the time after something is scary, she might give it a try.

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I recommend if you have not already done so, have her vision checked. Sometimes vision problem can show up in kids in this way.

You mention that she 'expects other kids to her help her out.' Does she frequently hear that she's small for her age or how cute & petite she is? Cuz if so, she may be living up to those comments & may continue to rely on others to help her & play up her smallness...if she stays small. I say, try to avoid comments & discussions about her size in front of her & discourage others to do this as well. Also, any time she does do something on her own, praise her for it & tell her how proud you are of her. And when she ask for help to do something (esp. something you know she can & should be able to do) tell her that she's a big girl & can do it herself & then maybe if she's still refusing to try for herself, tell her that maybe she's not the big girl you thought she was & it's too bad that she can't do 'x.' This might make her want to do it all the more. Encourage her to problem solve for herself & find ways to get to things w/o help. Get her a stool so she can reach things. Continue w/classes like gymnastics (which is great for smaller kids BTW) & maybe try a few other sports like tennis, soccer or karate. My strongest piece of advice, discourage this learned helplessness & encourage & empower her to be strong & independent. Best of luck!

I was this way when I was a child. And I can tell you that it had to do with feeling insecure and generally unsafe at home, at school, and in day care situation. My big brother was always beating up on me and my sister and my parents were not around much to monitor it, and the babysitters did not really do their job either. I was very scared in general, not just on the playground. But it really became a very visible problem on the playground.

You should make sure that this fear problems is not a symptom of problems in other places - like feeling unsafe in a day care situation, at school, or any where else where she has to go regularly. If it's not that, then it probably just is her personality. I know another little girl about 8 years old now who is always smaller than everyone else and she refuses to play any sports. She just can't compete with the other kids, and kids are ruthless when it comes to that stuff.

Hi A.,
An Occupational Therapist (similar to a physical therapist, but not the same) can evaluate your daughter's sensory integration, balance, fine motor strength, and so much more. When my now third grade daughter was in K it was evident that she could not print with the same skill as her classmates. Because she had been working at printing since before a full year of structured Pre-K, I took her for an OT evaluation. We found out that her small motor strength in her hands was very low compared to peers' strength. I also got to see in the evaluation how tight her hamtrings were, how poor her balance was, and how she needed a lot more sensory imput to get the same result as a child with more "normal" sensory integration. I would have not guessed that she had problems in the other areas, however there were signs, like her refusing to stay in her chair in K. The teacher and I thought she was being disobedient. Her OT said that instead, her hamstrings were so tight she needed to get up and walk about in order to get the awful feeling to go away (and being five, she did not know to verbalize that to her teacher.) I would say that her time spend in occupational therapy to address these issues and make her stronger and more capable has helped her a great deal. Best Wishes,
E.

This is her personality. Accept it, while continuing to gently urge her to do things. That's about all you can do.

My little girl has always been hypervigilant. She is now 8, but when she was 2, she wouldn't go near stairs. When she would get to the edge, she would look down and get this fearful look on her face and back up. When she was 4 we discovered she needed glasses. I wonder if that was part of the problem -- maybe she couldn't see well enough to know how to navigate safely. She is also very bright and I think she was way ahead of her peers in sizing up things visually at a young age, so she knew danger before we even fully taught it to her. She was similar in gymnastics, but I worked with her a lot and gave her excessive praise every time she got to the other side of her fear. I labeled her fear for her until she understood it. I told her that everyone is a little scared when they haven't done something before. I would then gently encourage her to try. When she succeeded even a little bit, I would pour on the praise with comments like, "See, you were afraid you couldn't do it, but you tried and wow, you learned to do it!" After years of that coaching and praise, she's now willing to try new things. I believe some kids are born a bit perfectionistic and are bright enough to know that something is difficult or dangerous and fear they can't do it "perfectly." My daughter will now try and stick with any physical activities and challenges, but remains hard on herself when she can't do it perfectly. We continue to emphasize it's the effort that's important, not doing it perfectly, and she's beginning to say that to us. The physical activities are less daunting now, but homework is still in the nightmare category! She's so afraid she can't do it right that she doesn't want to start.

S.

We had the same problem with my son. He is 7 now (almost 8) and seems to be starting to grow out of it. It was a battle for a while - not on purpose - but we couldn't understand while he was so careful and missing out on all of the fun.

For instance , when he was 4 and we were at a play structure like at McDonald's and there would be 2 year olds climbing over him as he was cowering at the bottom. We asked ourselves what we did to cause this. Or a tunnel slide - he would collapse in tears as other kids rushed passed him.

We tried to build his confidence every chance - by doing stuff with him and telling him we love him and would never put him in a position to get hurt. We put up a rope swing in the yard and he did that at his own pace as a play activity and that seemed to help. Another thing is if he wanted to learn something - like monkey bars hand over hand - we took him to a playground with no other kids and let him practice without an audience.

Anyway - I don't have a clear solution - I just want you to know you are not alone. And we tend to comfort ourselves saying at least he doesn't put himself directly in harms way. :)

J.

You should probably discuss it with her pediatrician in private, then take her in for an exam. You didn't indicate whether you'd seen any physical issues in her gymnastics class, but it's possible that she has subtle issues with balance or kinesthesia (awareness of how her body parts are working together in space.) Either of these issues or other physical issues could be contributing to or reinforcing her timidity.

Also, ask her (in a very relaxed way) why she is uncomfortable on the slides, or the monkey bars, or whatever you see her avoiding. At 6, she may not be able to fully express it, but if you listen carefully, you might get more clues as to why she is uncomfortable.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

Hi A.,

I have a six year old boy and oddly enough he is very big for his age and I think that is what makes him cautious. He does daring things like in a swimming pool but nowhere else. He doesnt take big chances and he too gives up kind of easy if something seems too hard.

I have noticed sometimes when he sees my little foster boy do something, he will try too and sometimes he wont. I just try really hard not to be negative and just encourage every step he takes. I have found he does things in stages as he feels confident. Pushing doesnt do it for him at all and he is a boy so I wonder if it is just a personality thing.

Good luck with this and dont worry too much. I am just trying to enjoy my little boy like he is.

P.

I think you have a lot of great advice here, especially about testing her vision and having an OT evaluate her for balance, gross motor skills, fine motor skills, and sensory integration. My now 5 yo boy used to be a very cautious kid. He was behind in gross motor skills when he was about 2, which was part of the issue. He would also become quiet and reserved when he was somewhere with a lot of visual stimulation or a lot of noise. He was slow to eat solid foods -- turns out that he had weak cheek muscles. Who knew? Anyway, a good OT can check for these kinds of issues. My son now is a great athlete (well, for a 5 yo!) and is willing to take risks, but he doesn't do some of the really risky things that a few of his friends do, thank goodness. Be glad that your daughter likely thinks through consequences a little more than the average kid! As for her being small, I was always the smallest kid on the playground (I was the same size as my brother, who is 2.5 years younger than I), and I was fearless. I was also unusually agile (was a gymnast). I knew what I could do physically, so I wasn't scared. I think it was also just my personality. I don't think my shortness was a factor at all. My doc told my mom not to expect me to hit five feet, which I did but I was always one of the boldest kids on the playground. My brother was the opposite -- super scared to climb things, terrified of swimming pools, etc. He had vision problems, but it was prolly also just his temperment. He found other physical activities that really worked for him, like tennis, and outgrew his fears best I can remember. He is now 36, and you would never know that he used to be so cautious. Does it bother your daughter that she isn't up on top of the play structure? If not, I would let it go and help her find physical activities where she is more comfortable -- swimming, tennis, soccer -- whatever works for her. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with heights. She will gain confidence in her physical skills, and it really won't matter if she ever hung out at the top of the play structure. Also, get those evaluations just in case she is struggling with something and an expert might be able to help.

Hello A.,

My little girl is tiny too and responds in a similar way to yours, which always made me wonder what else I could do to make her little world a bit less overwhelming. Someone on these posts a while back was talking about Sensory Processing Disorders, and some of what they said rang true. So we went to Borders and found some books on the subject...one was called "The Highly Sensitive Child" another was "Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight." They were very helpful in our making connections with patterns, that seemed unrelated,but were really all part of the bigger picture. Don't kow if this information is helpful to you, but just thought I'd put it out there. Interestingly this "disorder" seems to coincide with certain unique abilities, which was a lovely thing to be reminded of when feeling your child is different...all children are beautiful and have abilities in different areas.

Hi A.,

Our 7yo son is also very cautious. But he is not small for his age, so I'm not sure how much that has to do with it in your daughter's case. I do think all people have a natural inclination for where they fall on the risk-taking continuum. My son definitely does not like taking risks. He did become a bit more adventurous in the last year though. I think it was just a matter of greater maturity and confidence. I think the gymnastics class is great for your daughter. And giving her lots of time at the playground. I think she will eventually decide to try the bigger play structures, because she wants to be with her peers/friends. Perhaps try another park where there is only one play structure that is more in between? Gradually increasing the difficulty might help rather than making the big leap from the little kid structure to the big one?

How does she do at school during recess? It might be good to observe here there. Perhaps she had a bad experience at school? If she is in first grade now, perhaps she felt safer on the kinder playground and is overwhelmed by the number of bigger kids on the playground now? If she is having trouble at recess too, it might be helpful to talk to the school (teacher and principle) about the issue.

-D.

I second the recommendation of having your daughter's vision checked. Also, try a class to build her confidence. I enrolled my son in a gymnastics class and it has done wonders for his confidence. Also consider a martial arts class.

Good luck!
C.

I am just wondering if she has heard anyone telling her to be careful that she might get hurt? After hearing this she might have decided that it might be true. Just keep up the encourgament and maybe even get on the play equipment with her. I find with my son when he gets "nervous" that when I do the activity with him encouraging and trying not to get frustrated.