Fear of Shadows at Bedtime

Hi S. -
This is very common for little boys! There are lots of things you can do for your son.

Many friends we know are now practicing open-bed policies with their kids, us included. The basis is that the children can come get into parents bed if they feel a need to. There are lots of various guidelines - whatever works for each family. Like, fall asleep in parents bed but are removed, still sleeping, for the night in their own bed; fall asleep in their bed with parent laying down with them after story time, etc... then the parent can resume their evening or go to their own bed, etc... usually if the child wakes in the middle of the night and needs to, they come into parents bed till removed again to their own bed, asleep, or till morning time. This lets the kids know that if they have a need, the parents are accepting of that need and want to help - it resolves an otherwise difficult situation.

Besides this policy, there are so many rituals for your son- you know your son well and you can fine-tune these ideas to fit him ----

A night-light is good but sometimes allows for more shadows - some nightlights are better than others - take this into mind.

You and your son can make a type of dream-catcher - it can be a shadow-catcher and you can explain this story to your son. He can hang it where he sees shadows.

Sprays are good because the child can associate the smell with protection - any type of essential-type oil spray and tell your child that it is an anti-shadow, anti-boogie-man, anti-bad dream - whatever spray. You can let him spray it before bed every night.

You can tell him, or your husband can do this - go on a hike specifically looking for a "protection rock" and let your son chose one or more rocks - bring home to clean and set in his room - make up a story about protection rocks - this can be big enough not to be dangerous for the baby (putting things in their mouth).

Have your son draw/color you pictures of what the shadows look like to him. This is art therapy and often very good for perspective for children, and to value their thoughts and feelings. It also helps them to get it out of their heads and down on paper.

Have your son draw an action figure or any type of animal, or protector that can deal with the shadow figures. He can put this up on the wall to help.

Ask your son to talk to the shadow, at the time he sees it - at night, and see what it wants from him. Act as if he would be talking to it easily, just as if he was talking to you. Chances are this may turn out to be fun - it wants to play, it's lonely, etc... You can even tell him that sometimes shadows are these things and how could you all help the shadows together - it would help him to look at shadows in an unscary way, and actually turn that perception around for him. He can then maybe be on friendlier terms with those shadows - maybe.

I don't know what your religious preference is, if any, but also you can teach your son about Archangels - I think the Archangel Michael is the protector for children. You can go online and show him a picture of Archangel Micheal or any other angel he wants to chose to call on to help him when he is afraid, and you can talk to him about these powerful, male protectors.

You can teach him about an invisible bubble of protection around him.

There are many many things you can think of I'm sure - the more you work with him and talk to him, in a respectful way, and begin to show him that you care about this and can find ways of dealing with it, the more he learns to self soothe and manage things himself - but you must give him tools. Whether you believe him or not, is not the issue - he believes it and that's what you need to focus on.

He needs protectors of all sorts and kinds for this - it can actually be a fun experience for all of you. Good luck!

Alli

You can let him fall asleep in your bed and have your hubby put him in his own bed when you guys go to sleep.

You can talk with your son more about what would make him feel better, other than sleeping in your bed - get creative and try to help him with this.

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My boys (6 and 4) have the same problem on & off, they also sleep in the same room together. They each have a small water misting bottle that we float rose petals in (monsters & shadows HATE beautiful flowers, you know!) and they can spray the room down before bed and then keep it by their bed if they need it again during the night. Then I pray over them that God will protect even their dreams and imaginations. They hardly ever end up in bed with us, but occassionaly in bed with each other. Hope this helps - good luck!

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Fill a spray bottle with a water and a few drops of lavendar oil. Tell him it makes all the scary things go away because they don't like the way it smells. We do this for my 3 year old and it relaly works for him.

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First thing I can say is Children at that age tend to pick up on emotions from the Parents. If you show sympathy they remember it same as angry Joy etc.. so I would stop Showing Sympathy and allowing him back into your room. I went through that with my Daughter. now 18. the only way I could get her to sleep in her room was to lie down with her untill she feel alseep this was a time peried of a few weeks. she still got up and came to our room in the middle of the night but later started sleeping through the night.
I dont compleatly agree with encuraging monters. such as making Protections against them. this seems to keep in there head there real and can lead to more problems later in life as well. like being afraid of the dark. not wanting to get up to use the rest room. or go down a dark hallway in there home. I think we should make sure the children believe monters are not real so they feel safe..

Terrie

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My 4yr old was scared of the shadows in her room too. I used a flash light and we did shadow puppets on the wall. That "visual" aid helped her to understand what shadows really were. We did shadow puppets for a few days before bedtime (she thought that was really neat) and she has been going to bed without fuss since.

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Hi S.,

My boys are scared of dark shadows at night too. I tell them that they have a special angel that God gave to them to protect them and I taught them the Guardian Angel prayer. I also tell them it is ok to be scared, but we need to be brave(you may have to explain the meaning of brave: to face your fear even when you are scared)and to be my big brave boy. Sometimes I have to go in and show them what is making the shadow. "This toy is blocking the light and making that shadow"

Guardian Angel Prayer

Angel of God, My guardian dear
To whom God's love commits me here
Ever this night be at my side
to light, to guard, to rule, and guide.
Amen

That is what helps my little ones to brave the night in their room.

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My son took what seemed like forever to learn to go to sleep on his own when he was 3 or 4. I would generally read him a story before bed then lay in bed with him till he fell asleep. As you can imagine, this got really old after a while, so I started to gradually move out of the room. For a couple weeks, I would sit at the foot of the bed till he fell asleep. Then I would sit by the door, then just outside the door. If he tried to get up or called out to me, I would put him right back to bed and tell him to go to sleep (this usually happened several times every night). It was a slow and time-consuming process, but I'm happy to say that at age 7 my son always goes to sleep on his own and almost always sleeps through the night (there will always be the occasional nightmare). You can still try the monster spray and other ideas, but at 5 yrs old, he might see through that. My guess is that he really just wants his mommy.

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kids at this age are afraid in general. You might monitor the t.v. shows he watches in the daytime. Alot of times when they are exposed to new situations which they do not understand they get frightened very easily. I would clear the things at night in his room which may look scary to him at night and put them in his closet at night. I do think he is very used to sleeping with you and you are his security. Children at this age are very smart and know your fears to in this case waking up your 9 month old and he knows you will run to him to keep the baby sleeping and him quiet. There is no easy way but the best thing is to stand firm and let him know you are not going to run in his room every time he calls for you, he is testing you. You should talk to him about this. You must give this time to work this will take time. Good luck.

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S., I'm sorry that you are having trouble with your five year old at night. You could try to make shadows more friendly by playing a game with them. Create or find a song that uses your hands along with the words. "Little Bunny Fu Fu," is one example. However, if this doesn't work, then it seems as if your five year old has figured out how to get what he wants, which is to sleep in bed with you. If you can, try putting him to bed first. Follow your nighttime routine and then it's off to bed, crying and all! After he is asleep your it's your other child's turn. Hopefully your five year old won't wake back up! Good luck, J.

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what about moving the baby's crib into your room at night and tell your 5 yr old that your bed is an adult bed and is the size for 2 not 3 people. tell him that you are moving the little one into your room till he can sleep like a big boy and not wake the little one and let him cry a few nights. when he gets over it ask him if he would like your baby back in the room with him so he can be a good protective big brother again! that will make his job seem important! the only way to keep a child out of your bed is to enforce it and that means a little crying! I can't say that I blame your hubby on this one, and I feel that he is right, it's just not good for your marriage or your sleep patterns to have kids in your bed!(just my opinion!)

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I know you were probably trying to make your son feel like a big boy but telling him he needed to "Protect" his brother....protect him from what? That's kinda scary.

My daughter went thru the same thing at 5, she thought a bear was going to come at night and eat her. Luckily, after 4 terrible nights of sitting by her bed until she fell asleep (she would wake up every hour) she finally got over it.

Good luck, I know sleep deprivation is horrible on everyone.

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I had the same problem with my boys. The oldest was easy because him and daddy were buds and he would go in with him and read to him or tuck him in bed and he liked that. I would read to him until he fell asleep. The second one was harder and I gave in to much, which did not make my happy. I did this because it was easier and he was my baby(the youngest). Anyway it didn't take long, I had to keep working at it and still go to work. I had to make sure we had a routine set in stone and nothing scary at all on TV.

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Hi S. D. I hope my information will be helpful to you. I am a Mom of 5 children, 2 of which are in college, 2 in high school and 1 in elementary. I work as a Real Estate Agent, so I have to maintain a somewhat busy schedule.

3 of my children all had the same fears that yours does, and had a very similar routine of sleeping in my bed. They were afraid of the dark. To eliminate the situation of fear, I began leaving a lamp on (sometimes 2) with a lower watage bulb. I would also leave on nursery ryhmes or childrens songs at the same time. I would continue to check on them every 5 minutes to let them know I was there, and they would be all right. After a few weeks, the fear seemed to subside, and we only used 1 lamp. Then I eliminated the music. For my 7 yr old, I still use 1 lamp. This seemed to have worked for me. I hope it helps.

M. T.

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Hey! We had a different approach to this in my house. My mom would show me the closet, the bed, etc and say, "no aliens, see?" (For me it was aliens in the closet.) Then she'd say, "YOU have the power to chose to be scared. You are on the scary channel and YOU need to change it. Then she's twist my nose like a channel changer. She'd ask, "What channel are you on now?" and we would practice positive thinking. At first, she's give me things to change my thinking to, like opening presents or eating ice cream. When I'd get scared on my own later, I'd twist my nose and say out loud, "change the channel." Giving me the power to control my own thoughts was an invaluable tool.

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I didn't get a chance to read the other responses, but I tried something that worked well for my girls. I went to Walmart and found a purse-sized spray of OUST air freshener. I opened a word document and cut and pasted pictures of things that were scary: a "monster," "snake," "scorpion," and "spider" and printed out a very little "label" with the words "Monster spray" on it. I let my then 5 yr-old tell me where the scary things were and we sprayed (under bed, dresser, in closet, etc.) Now nothing can scare her! We made this a routine every night and it worked great. Hope this helps!

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I am in a different boat since I only have a ten month old but I seen on t.v. someone use some go away monster spray. Air freshner.

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Your 5YO has figured out what he needs to do to get to sleep in your bed and he's going to keep doing it as long as it works. He's manipulating you. Just be firm with him, go in and comfort him if he is scared and reassure him that you are close by, but don't let him come in your bed. After he sees that you aren't going to budge he will stop what he's doing.

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Hi S.,

while being afraid of the dark sounds completely normal ( I remember that quite well), there is a time-honored activity that helps children to deal with their fears (not to get rid of them of course, just to handle them better). That method is reading or hearing stories where people or children are able to conquer monsters, giants, werewolves and the like. The most obvious source for this are fairy tales (read Bruno Bettelheims The Uses of Enchantment for an intro to this subject matter). But other kinds of stories, even ones invented by the parent (or parent and child together) where the hero is one the child can identify with and is allowed to triumph through perseverance or wit can be helpful.
I could see talking to your child about his specific monsters and perhaps tailoring stories around those (the hero can be a little boy). They might be reassuring as bed time stories. Getting a book of fairy tales and seeing which his favorite turns out to be could also be a good way of better understanding the nature of his fears.
And perhaps some of his toys can figure into the stories as helpers, so that he feels, when he goes to sleep, that he has some friends in the room that will protect him.

I hope I am not making this sound too simple--each child is so unique, after all. It might take a while to figure out what his deepest fears are and how to work on those. Anyhow, it's worth a try.

For a short term solution, how about staying with him until he falls asleep? I do that with my 3-year old still, partly because its a very nice and cosy time for us in the evenings. Becuase I remember falling asleep by myself after I started reading (that is, I then started going to bed with a book instead of with my mom or dad), I'm hoping that will be the transition for my son too.

Good luck!
G.

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You could get a plastic bottle let him draw on it and fill it with water and lavender oil and mark it and call it
"MONSTER SPRAY"

Tell him it will make the shadows or monsters dissapear. It will help him feel like he has some control and he can spray it when he needs to.

Hi S.,

As a mother of 3 boys, I have more than my share of experience with this. With on son, we tried the "monster spray." Which was nothing more than me getting a cheap bottle of spray perfume, and at night, just as I'd tucked him in, I'd walk around his room and spray wherever the monster's might come in at.

With our other son, we told him that the shadows were his angels watching him for God at night. During the day it's easier for God to see him, but at night he needed his shadow friends to help. He loved this, and got to where every night, he would walk around his room, and thank the shadows and tell them "good night."

Finally with our 3rd child, we didn't have to do much of anything. He loved the Disney Movie Monsters, and never had a problem. He loves to imagine shadows as his monster friends.

Good Luck. I hope it works out for you.

C.

I like the idea of making your own shadows! That's fun. I would also like to reccomend water. A spray bottle set on mist, magically becomes boogie-be-gone as the both of you take a trip around the room, getting rid of the things that may frighten him. It gives him some control and we found that it works wonders.

Good luck!

Hi S.
The first thing that comes to mind is making your own shadows.
A couple hours before bedtime.I think you know what I mean ya know the rabbit ears.And maybe showing him what shadows are.With one of you inside and one outside control the shadow Example:Daddy can move the tree branch.Showing him and telling him what shadows are and that he has his own may do the trick.Dont overload I would suggest the first make your own shadows.Make it a game.
Best Wishes
S.

Try laying with him until he falls asleep that's
what I do with my 6yr. old and his bed time is at 7:30 and I'm out of there by no later than 8pm. It seems to work great. Then my other sons comes to bed at 9pm but he is 10yrs.old and I just tuck him in. We also have a closet light on and a Cars night light on. And when I tuck my oldest one in I shut the closet door to just a crack. Good Luck. K. R.

Hi S.,

You can try either letting him sleep with you until he falls asleep and then go put him in his bed or you can lay down with him on his bed until he falls asleep. I did both but letting him sleep on my bed and then take him to his bed allowed him to fall asleep faster. I guess because he felt more secure/safe, I don't know exactly, but it worked. As he got older then I started reading a book to him in his room and then I layed down with him until he fell asleep. You may want to take him a warm bath at night and give him some warm milk that will help him to calm down and feel relaxed. And the warm milk helps him fall asleep faster. Well good luck! Hope these tip help you like they helped me.

Your 5 year old may be seeing "things"...he's probably frustrated that you don't believe him or see them....I would talk to him about Jesus. Pray with him, ask for God's protection, then let him express to Jesus what he sees and to ask for His protection...I'm a Christian counselor and have had alot of experience with dealing with "supernatural things"...this is hard to explain in writing, but I do know it works! There are alot of scriptures I could give you if you give me your address or phone number so I could explain better......Bird

tell hubby to get over it.get some sleep,and hold him close.my son was scared 2 and had imaginary friends.his fav movie was the brave little toaster.he is now18yrs old love him 2death.because he will always love u.some kids have vivid imaginations.and some kids dont care .he will be ur stressfull child.tell husband to watch rugrats movie some kids realy think like that.lol

I agree with Sherry R. Pray with & for him before he goes to bed. Encourage him to ask God to help him when he feels scared. Find a scripture verse that relates to his problem, (Nahum 1:7 is a good one and the are many in Psalms too!). This has never failed in our household!

You could try to spray "magic" spray (water) which is like bug spray for the scary shadows instead of bugs. Another thing to try is sleeping in there with him. You could set up a chair in the room and stay there until he falls asleep. Then move the chair closer to the door. And then finally out of the room. Another thing to try is a blackout shade for the window so there are no shadows in the room. Or let him sleep with a flashlight. He could turn it on and point it to something when it scares him. Then he could see that it was just a stuffed animal, etc. Good luck.
S. M

My girls enjoyed making their own shadows. You can also show him youtube videos on shadow shows.

Get him a flashlight- that helped too. He can shine the light right on the scarry things and see them 'vanish.' There's some kiddy flashlights that go off on their own, and there are some wind up flashlights (mine came from a home improvement store 3 lights in a pack for $12!) You just don't want to give him a regular flashlight cause they can be taken apart and the batteries run down too.

S., mom to four girls ages 5 and under

This would be a great opportunity to teach (or strengthen) your child about Faith. Say bedtime prayers together and let your little one ask God for protection and to keep fears of the shadows away. Also, as a parent,seeking God's comfort for your child in this area is very important. Our family has been down a very ROUGH road with the "fear" issue in our small daughter, and MUCH prayer is the only thing that we could rely on completely for her rest and ours at night.

My friend had the same problem with her son. What she did was to tell him at every mealtime what he was most afraid of was what he was eating! ie, This is the dragon / monster / teddy bear that frightened you last night.

It worked for her

My son use to sleep in his bed no lights no door cracked until my daughter said she was scared of the dark. Ways to help: clean the room put all toys in toy box or closet minus his that he sleeps with and close the closet door. Before bed go around the room and show him there is nothing there. Tuck him in bed read him a story (if you choose)give him a flash light button beside his bed so if he gets scared he can turn it on and see what it is. this my help him then again it may not. You can also try going in there and reassuring him that there is nothing there with a flash light. lol my son the other night after not having a problem for the last year of going to bed had a hissy fit because his sister hung up a stuffed doll. He was so scared. I ended up taking the doll down and he was good to go.

My husband gave our daughter a spray bottle of water that they decorated with feathers and glitter paint. He called it monster spray. Every night they would spray down the room to make sure no monsters would get in. Then we let her help us set the alarm before she goes to bed. We tell her that the alarm keeps the house safe from anybody and that nothing can get in. I think that helped her when she was going through this.

It becomes a pattern. If he knows that you don't want him crying and will put him in your bed, he will get away with it everytime. What you can do is talk to him or read him a book before going to sleep to soothe him and try a consistent bedtime. I have 2 daughters, 5 & 3, and I still battle with them, only occassionally. What I told them is they can only sleep on our bed on Friday. So everytime they ask to sleep in my bed (mostly my 3 yr old), I explain to her it's not Friday, and that she needs to stay in her bed. She pretty good about staying there through the night, maybe once a week tries to get away with it by coming to my bed in the middle of the night. I don't know if this was much help or not, but what I really recommend, is a lot of patience and talking to him a lot so that you can explain to him that he is much more comfortable sleeping in his own cozy little bed. You to need your own space with your husband. With children in your bed, even the parent doesn't get the best rest. Good luck, and hope it works out soon.

I haven't gotten to that stage with my own children yet, but awhile back I heard a cute idea on one of the Morning Shows. It was called Scare-Away.

You take a plain clean spray bottle. Fill it with water. When putting him to bed you tell him that you are going to use your new Scare-away (or whatever you want to call it) and spray inside the closet, under the bed, etc.

If he has any doubts, you could even let him keep the bottle with him, incase he feels he needs to use it himself.

I thought it was such a cute idea. If you do try it, please let me know how it works out as I was planning on using the idea myself if I ever needed too. Of course I'm sure the other Moms who have had experiance will have lots of other great advice too.

Good luck chasing his shadows away!