Favorite Parent Issues with 2 1/2 Yr Old Girl

E.
It is very typical for a child to prefer one parent over another, even up to three-four years old. It is also very hard on both parents. The one who is preferred because it is physically and emotionally draining to be the one to do everything, and the one who gets neglected because, well they feel neglected and can't do anything to help.
The key to this is patience. You are right in saying it is just a phase, it is just a really loooong phase. I have studied Child Development and also have personal experience in this area. So here is my advice... and I hope it helps you.

My second daughter (Ella) was like this, she is now 4 1/2 and when she is feeling insecure she still only wants me to do things for her. We have worked so hard on this, for the same reason you want to, my husband was feeling so left out.

The first thing that I did was make it REALLY exciting when Daddy came home form work. Lots of hugs from me and anticipation leading up to that point. "Daddy is coming home soon:)" "When Daddy comes home, lets give him a...." and find something that we could do for him.
We also spent time during the day making secret things for him, like pictures or cards or love notes, and would put them on his pillow. or make treats to give to him. Which in turn I asked him to make a big deal about! And do the same things for her.

He came up with a "running hug" (back up as far as she could and run run run and jump into his arms) because it was one way she would actually hug him. He would try to hug her or ask for a hug and she would decline, but if he said,"can you give me a running hug?" she would be running and hugging within seconds.

We started alternating who would put her to bed. This was really hard for her at first and was actually more helpful if I went shopping for bed time, on his nights. Every other night we would trade. And it got easier. He actually did a different more fun routine then I did, and now she likes him to put her to bed more then me!:) (most nights) But we still take turns because my 2 year old girl, sort of started the same thing after our recent move.

Another thing we do is daddy dates. They absolutely love this. I have a 6 year old daughter as well and we started this when she was about two to give me a break. She would just go run errands with him and he would make sure to do something fun like, stop by a park for ten min, or get a little treat or something. So now they take turns, I mark it on the calender whenever he takes one and then the next time it is the others turn. This has really helped the bonding and she loves to ride in his truck and spend time with him.

We have also done non-giving-in in situations where if I am busy, she can have Daddy do it or wait till I am done, (which I can always look busy even if I am not). These are hard at first with lots of tears, but once she realized that I wasn't going to help her, it got easier.

It is great for you to have a night out weekly. Like you stated, she likes him more when she spends time with him. So if you were to make it more frequent, it would only help them get closer and her trust him more.

It is a tough situation, But She will come though with lots of encouragement and support from you and unconditional love from him.

About your new baby,
Ella never had a huge problem with the baby. We talked so much about how excited we were and what a big helper she would be. And all the fun things she could do that the baby couldn't.
She loved our baby. And I referred to her as our's, so she wouldn't think she was just my baby or that she was getting replace. She never was mean, but she did still want me to spend time holding her.
When I would feed the baby, it was "reading time" for Ella, and when the baby took her first morning nap after I got ready, it was "Mommy time" for Ella. I would just state "its Esther's turn with mommy, when I am done it will be your turn" Then when I was done with our baby I would make sure that I would say "its Ella's turn", that way she would feel I still loved and wanted to snuggle her.
We also encourage her to tell me if she needed "mommy time" instead of crying and whining about it. It Helped her to recognize that she had feelings and if she was sad she could use her words to fix it. It also helped me not get so irritated with her neediness, or being angry with her crying (for no reason). When I heard those words, "I need Mommy time" I could finish what I was doing quickly and give her some of my time.
It will take a while to adjust, but I think if you stay positive, she will too.

Good luck,
E.

By the way, I like your name:)

3 moms found this helpful

Hi E.,

Your post caught my eye, because I worried and worried about that same issue when my daughter was little (she is 4.5 now).

My husband also struggled with it, and there didn't seem to be too much I could say to him to help him feel better. He kept making it about him.

But what we both eventually learned about little people and attachment to parents, is that usually when children are under the age of 6, they attach strongly to one adult at a time. This means when you are in the vicinity, she will probably want you and not your husband. (A great read on attachment is Gordon Neufeld's Hold on To Your Kids).

The best way for your husband to attach to your daughter is for you to plan to spend some time out of the house and give them time/space to bond. Also for your husband to gently attempt to attach, by making eye contact, smiling etc. (Again check out Gordon's book).

Good luck. And remember it's normal and healthy for your daughter to attach to one parent (adult) at a time.

-K.

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Kids have an amazing ability to sense when you are feeling or thinking about the baby in your belly. Because of this the dynamics of the family changes. This means that the lst born is no longer the center of the family unit. It helps to accept the changes and develope a bond with the 1st born that includes the new changes. The dad needs to stop thinking the lack of closeness is personal and be the parent and go forth and find a way to have one on one time with his daughter. Maybe he could take her to a ballet class and have a special snack with her afterwards or something like this. Maybe a favorite park or some mall for window shopping. It's about making her feel not out of the loop....

1 mom found this helpful

My son has always preferred me over Daddy. At first I assumed it was because I was breatfeeding him. However, he is now 6-1/2 and still prefers me.

Like you, I was nervous when I was pregnant with my second child; I didn't want TWO clingers. My husband was always very involved, changing diapers, preparing meals, etc. However, I started encouraging more Daddy time. My husband is a better cook than I am, so I would encourage him to let my son stir, roll out cookies, etc. If my husband was running a quick errand I would suggest that Matthew ride along. (That also gave me some quiet time.)

When my daughter came along, we quickly discovered that despite my breastfeeding she preferred Daddy. When she needs a diaper, she wants Daddy to change her. When she is hurt, she wants Daddy to kiss it better. (Now I know how Daddy felt when my son was always wanting me. And he knows how I felt when I couldn't get a break from my clinger.)

We have started taking turns and dividing up more responsibilities. We each help one child get dressed. We take turns changing diapers. I help with homework. My hubby reads the bedtime story. (You get the picture.)

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We take turns putting my daughter (3.5yrs) to bed and tell her that we want to take turns because we both want to be with her so much and both enjoy putting her to bed so much that its not fair that only Mommy gets to do it. She still prefers me, but enjoys telling her Papi that tomorrow night will be his turn and planning what they will read together. My husband and I are also very clear that whoever is taking care of any particular task follows through with that task regardless of who my daughter asks for -- so if Papi is helping her brush her teeth and she says "I want Mommy" She is told that it is Papi's turn and that Mommy will do something else for her -- and that Mommy and Papi decide, not her. I don't get to come in and take over because that lets her know that she is in control of that particular situation. We will indulge what she wants if one of us hasn't already started the task though... She still expresses a preference, but quickly adjusts and is happy to be with Papi when we are clear who is doing what. hope that helps!

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Hi. I am pretty sure that this is just a phase. My niece did this to my brother until she was probably 3 or 4 and he felt the same way that your husband does. My sister in law would just talk to my niece about how it hurt her dad's feelings and what not and she eventually got better about it but she will be 6 in July and still sometimes prefers her mom over her dad. Hopefully this helps and gives you some insight. Just talk to her about feelings and hopefully she'll come around.

I think it is very normal especialy with SAHM's we are there world 24 hours a day, it doesn't mean she doesn't love daddy but mommy is the one who is always there, it really is that simple. I would have daddy do a lot more things with her and mommy is going to have to leave her with him a lot more, have daddy do little tea parties and play dolls, he can take her to the park or zoo, make daddy the "good" guy, and this will become very important with a new baby on the way, get her baby dolls and help her practice for the new baby and talk about how our new baby is going to need more of mommy's attention and that daddy is going to have to help mommy out alot more, 2 1/2 year olds understand a lot more then we give them credit for, also daddy really needs to understand that it isn't personal she loves him but mommy is her security blanket, good luck!

Our four year old was the same way, except with me instead of daddy. I totally understand your husband's feelings. Most kids switch at certain stages. Our second definitely follows that pattern. Our first never did. Around age 3, when he started expressing love himself, I started getting a lot of hugs and kisses. Although he still prefers daddy to me, we do have our special moments. The biggest thing that has helped, is doing special days just him and me. He has a great time the whole time we're out, but inevitably, at the end on the way home, he tells me he wishes daddy could have come and I stay home, or brother could have come and he could have stayed home with daddy. He also tells me he is daddy's and his brother is mine. It's a tough situation. The more often we have our special days, the better it is. It doesn't take much to qualify as a special day, just something him and me. I hope it improves soon!

It sounds like he needs to spend more one on one time with her. Have him take her to a park, or to lunch, or just anywhere with him more. It probably is just a phase, and it is normal for a child to be more attached to the parent that they are around more. My son is still very attached to me, he loves doing things with his daddy too, but he'd still rather have me.

We am raising a 9yr old and almost 5 yr old Granddaughters.
The 5 yr old is the same way with Grandpa. If you recieve good answers I need to read them too.

Sorry I'm in the same boat.

D. S

E.,
Thank you for posting this! We are going through the same thing and my husband has just about given up. I want a 2nd child but am afraid that I'll have 2 kids hanging on me at all times! All the advice that people gave sounds great. Congratulations on expanding your family and know that you are not alone. :-)

Kind Regards,
K.

I read most of the responses and the most common one I've related to (in my own life) has been to have seperate activities for each parent. i was raised to be very independant to the point that my mother is now irritatated that i don't rely on her as much and that I am planning to move into my own place by next year since I am now almost 25 and have a full time job with great benifits. I was a mama's girl growing up but I had my moments with dad and I still do. There were things I could only do with dad and things I could only do with mom. I would sit on the portch on nice days with mom and paint (she is an artist and i am now a photographer...imagine that) and I would run down to the end of the driveway when dad got home so I could drive the truck down the driveway. Now that I am older, I go to chamber music concerts and galery openings with mom and carshows and drag races with dad. Another example of a very different reaction to dad is that I used to work for a local portrait studio and one of my last clients before I quit wanted pictures with his daughter for fathers day/b-day/just because and she was about the age of your girl. anytime she had to do a picture with dad she would start shrieking hysterically until mom came to get her. Mom would have to leave the room while we tried to get pictures of her and dad. The little girl would work her way free from dad's arms and run out of the room and start searching every room in the studio until she found mom becomming more upset until she did. Can you guess why this reaction was the course of events? The girl's father is a businessman that travels a lot. He's away from home for a good chunck of the year and dosn't spend any time with her when he is home because of her severe preference to mom. I was talking to him when he came back to get the pictures later that day (we were going to try to get some pictures of the two of them after spending a little time away from mom) and he had the same depression you described in your husband and I reassured him that i was a mama'a girl too and now my dad's one of my best friends. when he heard me say that his face lit up and he got one of those happy daddy smiles on his face. I think that made both of our days.

I am little late in seeing this but I wanted to respond because this hits home with me. I had a baby girl last September,Labor Day, and my first child, also a girl, was about 2 1/2 while I was pregnant and is now 3. She was Daddy's girl and always played with both of us and seemed to want us equally but was able to play rougher with him.

Before this baby I had in September I got pregnant the previous Sept. but lost the baby at almost 7 weeks on the day before Halloween. When I got pregnant again around Christmas time I was a nervous wreck the whole time and did not rough house or do anything strenuous. Towards the end I did not feel up to doing much at all as most of us don't and when I tried to lay on the couch and relax my 2 1/2 year old wanted to lay on me and climb on me and I just could not have it so she played with her Dad a lot. She has always been his little girl but even more so then.

She seemed good with the baby and has just recently shown signs of wanting more attention, not anger towards Abbey she loves her little sister, but you can tell she is vying for attention sometimes.

Well the beginning of this year Gracie (the 2 1/2yr old) got very sick with Hand, Foot and Mouth and refused to eat or drink much for a week and ended up in the hospital. She was in a lot of pain and all she wanted was me me me. My poor husband was just crying one night because he tried to hold her and comfort her and she just wanted me. His heart was broken. I was exhausted emotionally and physically as we were not getting sleep and my baby girl was suffering so much and yet she would not let anyone else comfort her, hold her or give her medicine, nothing.

Since then she is all about me. I can barely go to the bathroom without her coming in to see what I am doing. She is mean to her Dad at times and she won't listen to him at all. He just gets mad and gives up and that just makes it worse. She just started this Mommy I want you all the time now and even if I am just sitting there with her it is Mommy I want you and sometimes it is that whine ... oh that whine that just naws at your nerves.

I have tried to counsel my husband on ways to deal with her not listening. He tends to yell instead of getting up and making her do something or coming to her level and explaining things. Then he gives up so she knows she has him beat.

She tends to be mean to him partly too because he has always played and anotognised her in playing and now I think she is unsure of the difference when he is disciplining her. I am caught in the middle.

So this in turn leads her to not always want to hug and kiss him and let him hold her. I know this is a little different but along the same lines.

I thought it was the whole thing with her being sick and it made her gravitate to me because I was her source of comfort. But reading all these posts maybe it is her age and is it a phase and it just started with this sickness.

Sorry this is so long but I have been frustrated by all this for awhile now and this seem to somewhat relate and a good place to turn for venting and advice too.

Hope things got better for you and I will keep trying. I got some great ideas from here too.

My husband and I work full time and Grandma watches the girls so I have often thought she might just be missing me because of that. My husband works 6-2:30 and is home long before me. I work 8:30-5:30 so I get home later and have less time with them in the evening.

Anyone's thoughts are welcome.

Tricia M

One thing that really helped my kids and husband bond is finding something that only they do together. It could be something really little. For my daughter it was mowing the lawn on the riding lawn mower with Daddy. As for my second child, when my son was born my daughter was just over 2 and she ended up switching completely from wanting Mommy all the time to wanting Daddy all the time. I spent so much time taking care of the baby, she learned if she went to Dad, she would get the attention she wanted. She is such a Daddy's girl now (at 3 1/2) that she usually picks him over me anymore.

My little niece went through this as well. It was always "mommy, mommy, mommy" I felt badly for my sister in law too because she could hardly get a break! My brother in law tried not to take it personally, but Im sure it was hard. I remember one time he said "I love you" and her response was "I love Mommy". Now she is 6 years old and she is as much Mommy's girl as she is Daddy's girl. For some kids, maybe it is just a stage and maybe since you are a SAHM she is with you all the time, it is just natural. Maybe because you will be having the new baby in your home, your husband can be the one to take her off on special adventures while you take care of your new baby (Congratulations!). All the best!

You really could have written that from me! My daughter is the same way and my husband gets so sad! It's gotten a little better in the past couple of weeks though. My hubby had a lot of vacation time stored up and his boss told him to take some time off. So he took a week just to do some stuff around the house and Emma LOVED having him around. Since then she runs to the door to greet him when he gets home and is more apt to give him hugs and kisses without prodding from me. She still has her moments when she gets irritable with him, but I think that having him here full time for just that week really made a difference. She's still very Mommy centered, cries if I leave her sight (she's 2), but like I said, she's gotten much better with Daddy. My mom said my sister and I were the same way so she would make it a big deal just before he got home from work and then get us all excited when he actually got home. I think a lot of kids go through this. I'm sure at some point she'll grow into a Daddy's girl and we'll miss the clingy Mommy times! Good luck!

I know my response is late, but I still want to throw this observation in: my son has always preferred to be with me, even after we stopped nursing. He used to throw a fit when papa tried to be with him and I was still in the room. I am a SAHM and my husband works full time (now he works 60-80 hrs a week!)

My sister's son prefers daddy. Daddy at that house is the Stay at Home parent, and my sister works full time.

I really think a lot of the time, the kids prefers the parent he spends the most time with- they deveop a short-hand and end up relating better. The working parent has to work that much harder to relate to the child they are away from so much.

Sounds like you've already figured out to have your kiddo spend more time with daddy, which would have been my advice too. I would also suggest you leave the room- or better yet- the house- when they have their alone time without you. They will bond better if you are absolutely not available to rescue her. That is what seemed to work for us. Also, make sure that daddy does fun things with her that mommy will not do. For my son, papa gives piggy back rides and I just DON"T. Your husband could paint her fingernails (as long as you DON"T.) or something like that. Some fun activity that ONLY daddy does that mommy won't do.

Thanks for letting me chime in!

E.,

This happened to us when our son was 1 1/2. Whenever our son needed something, was hurt, etc. he would want me and would not let his dad do anything for him or comfort him in any way. How we got around it was by having the two of them spend more alone time together. My husband started taking him to/from daycare, gave him his bath, read the bedtime story, etc. At no time during these would I be around (aka where he could see me). If our son started fussing about wanting me, his dad would say that I was busy doing something and would be in in a minute. He would then start playing/listening again and forget about wanting me for a while.

I know this sounds like I was completely cut out of my son's life, but I wasn't. I still fed him and rocked him before bed. Not only did this allow him to bond with his dad, I was actually able to get some alone time or chores done while he was still awake.

Hope this helps.

T.

One of my friends had this happen to her when she was pregnant w/ her last baby. Her daughter (the youngest at the time) only wanted her and would even throw fits every time she left the house! She got very possesive of her and didn't want her dad at all. She had always been a very easy going girl before that. Once the new baby was born, it only took a few weeks and she was back to normal. My friend says she thinks it was because she was uneasy about her baby sister and was feeling jealous.
Have you tried asking her about it? My little girl (almost 3 yrs old) has been doing this to some extent as well lately. She loves her daddy, but gets very upset if I go somewhere w/ out her, and always wants to be w/ me. When I asked her about it once, she told me it was because "we match". She is learning that there are differences between boys and girls, and since she has 2 brothers, she feels the boys go w/ dad & she goes w/ me. It's hard when you know how much your husband is hurt by it, but in time, she most likely get grow out of this. Good luck!

My daughter was the same way. We would practically have to bribe her to hug her daddy. She outgrew this finally this year. She just turned 6. Hopefully your little girl will outgrow this sooner than mine. I have a baby also and I give him plenty of time with daddy to make sure that that issue does not occur again. Good luck!

With 3 kids I have seen both sides of this. My middle daughter is a momma's girl. For the first 8 months she would scream if she saw daddy come in the room, let alone try to play or hold her. As she got older he would come up with special tasks he needed just her to help with. Slowly they builded a bond. She still hangs out with me more, but loves being with daddy. MY son! He will have nothing to do with me when daddy is around. I might as well be dust on the bookcase. I can do nothing for or with him. It is hurtful (know how your husband feels). I know that my son loves me and at times will hang out with mom.

Just encourage the relationship and activities between your husband and daughter. Each child is different and has a different relationship with members of the family. Don't worry about your baby.... you will do enough of that once she is here. ;-)

I just recently became a SAHM to a 4yob and a 2.5yog and they have gone from loving the sitter (my BFF)to adoring only Mommy - so much so that when Daddy gets home I take 15 minutes of refuge alone in my room. I have 2 kids - 18 months apart who both prefer me so your fears are founded. They both wants hugs and kisses from me at night and both want me to carry them when we go out or they get scared or are sick.... It's nice to feel special but now my dh is jealous. We were both a little J of the sitter since they'd RUN to her and cry to stay with her when I picked them up - now they only want me!

My 2 year old son is going threw a phase. He doesn't like when his dad hugs me or kisses me, my daughter at that age went through the same thing. However with my daughter, she wouldn't kiss her grandpa R and it is because she is sensory and doesn't like the feel of certain things (for example tags in clothes, socks between tes and anything that is pickly to the skin like a beard or mustache) we didn't figure it out that it was the mustache until he shaved it off and she started giving him hugs and kisses. now that she is 5 many things have become and issue, however no she is able to tell us better what is bothering her. Like, she will tell her dad that he doesn't get his morning hugs and kisses until he shaves his face. I bet when you have your baby 2 1/2 after the usual 3 months of grief she my realize that she needs to have daddy help her more, another rhing would be have daddy daughter dates where just the two of them go and do something she likes together.

This has been a great post with great responses; it is reasurring to see that this is just a phase kids go through! Can't wait till our daughter gets through it! It is just so hard when they only want YOU!

My 5 year old was like this when he was 2. It was hard to get him to give dad a hug and kiss, or let him read to him. I think that having his son not want to come to him made it hard on dad. My 6 year old daughter was not like this at all. She was a daddy’s girl from the day she was born. I think it is just a faze some children go through and you and your husband will just have to be patient, she will come around.

I know this is really late response...BUT THANK YOU FOR This question. I almost posted the same question last night not realizing you had already done soo.. Hopefully our 2 1/2 girls will get through this quickly...She is really hurting daddies feelings...And I can only deal with one toddler at a time.

Kids are all like this. My kids still at 6 and 3 are "mommies kids", maybe due to the divorce and their dad not being around much but they did this before that too. Even when their dad visits after day three they want to be home with me. It is just a security factor.
They go with what is comfortable and predictable, typically that is mom. You need to leave her with her dad more, him taking her to do fun things just the two of them and build up that relationship. It won't be overnight and he shouldn't take it personally. Typically I think as they get older it shifts and they see dad as the fun guy and want to be around him more. There are a lot of posts on her lately about this subject, all responses can relate and it is normal.

Is your 2 1/2 year old aware that there is a new baby coming into the house? My daughter was about 2 1/2 when I was pregnant. She was SUPER clingy just to me. It was horrible because I was a high-risk pregnancy and couldn't get up and do everything that she needed/wanted Mommy to do. She had to let Daddy help her and play with her. It's been over a year now and she is very much a Daddy's girl now. In fact, both of my girls are Daddy's girls. Well, they are Daddy's girls when it is fun time, but when they need comforting or something to eat, they come to Mommy.

One thing to be aware of... Please don't be offended by this, but remember that there is a difference between being stand-offish and being afraid. If you think your daughter is AFRAID of her Daddy then you should probably talk to a doctor or professional about why that might be.