Father Worried About Age Gaps Between Children

I think the closeness between siblings is always fostered by by the parents. My husband is 9 years older than his youngest sister and while they get along, they have nothing in common - or at least see it that way. His sister that is 5 years younger "have never gotten along" as per the entire family. When I asked why, everyone gave me a blank stare. They didn't know why....none of them, but all I've ever heard from his mother is, "They've never gotten along." Once I made mention of this chasm by their mother to each one independently, they have been awesome together....of course, it only took 27 years.

I met a boyfriend 15 years ago when his little brother was 7 and we were 20. Our relationship only lasted 6 months, but I am a huge part of his family and now that his little brother is almost 22, he watches my kids now. He's like a brother to me and his older brothers who are 14 and 12 years older are still very close to him, even with them having different dads.

I do have a friend who has a 12, 10, 3 and almost a 2 year old. They had the older two and she had decided to have another one, but felt the gap was too large, even though they all get along great....so they had another 2 years ago and honestly, they all have their role in the family and love each other without any notice of an age gap.

I really think that it's all how you deal with it. Do you foster closeness or the chasm?

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Don't worry. He'll be fine. My brother is 14y younger than me. He has 3 older sisters, with me the oldest. He is a very confident, well-rounded, and well liked guy. He got a lot of one on one with my parents, and the fact that the older 2 were in college when he was in middle school worked to his advantage as the parents were able to go to functions for him without conflict with our things.

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I have four kids living. Two passed away leaving a gap of seven years between my youngest and the next living child. I have always felt God knows what he is doing and he gave my children their siblings so that they get the skills they need to be were God would want them to be. I find my older children learning some very important life skills like patience, kindness, how to share, and enjoy little things. My children are so thankful for their younger sister. I am sure they would say that their sister is a gift. You raise them so you can bring them together or not. Don't over think the situation. Love your children and teach them to love one another.

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My three children are 10 1/2, 7 and 11 months. I think the bond between siblings will actually be strong because the older ones will take on more of a 'parenting' role than a sibling rivilry role. Also I know that right now I have to divide my time between three, I look forward to the time when my youngest is at home alone so I can have quality 1 on 1 time like I did when her brother's were younger. She will just be getting the time as a teenager.

The age gap is something I obsess about too. What is immediately hard is what is appropriate for one is definitely not appropriate for the youngest. It's challenging going to amusement parks, movies, etc....

The best part of the age gap is that the older boys help take care of the little one. My ten year old is best taking care of her and the 7 year old is best playing with her.

At first I thought it was really unusually to have this gap but I am noticing that we are among lots of families. Enjoy him...by the 3rd you know how fast this time flies by. Your family dynamics will work out if as the parents you guide your boys that way.

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Our neighbors have 5 kids. The first 3 are close in age, then they had an "ooops!", so they had a 5th so there would always been a sibling close in age.

It will really depend on your parenting and the personalities of the children. There are book after book after book written about birth orders, and I personally defy them all.

As the youngest of 3 girls (oldest is 5 years older than me), I'm the odd man out with the middle child complex. It's all how the parents treat the kids and how the personalities need to be nurtured. You may find your oldest is very nurturing and caring for the youngest.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Just worry about taking care of those 3 boys Mom! He will be fine. He is def not the only child with big age gaps! Happens everyday, everywhere.

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I didn't read the other responses, but I will say this: I am the oldest and have 2 younger brothers. One is 2 years younger than me, the other is 7 (almost 8) years younger than me. Growing up, I was the odd man out bc I was the only girl... I adapted and learned to love 'boy stuff'. We were all pretty close as siblings. As adults now, I am MUCH closer to my youngest brother. I only speak to the brother 2 years younger on an 'as needed' basis. My point is, regardless of the age gap, your children are going to be as close or as distant as they grow to be. Don't ever regret or question your children, as they are all blessings... only time will tell how they learn to LIKE each other as people... while they will ALWAYS *LOVE* each other as siblings. Best wishes!

I should also add that my boyfriend has 2 half brothers from his fathers second marriage. His little bros are 10 and 12... he is 38. They share a bond that I have NEVER seen between siblings... it's emotional to even think about how close they are. They are so loving and caring and protective of each other, even though they have decades between them. Don't worry about it and love your babies with all of your heart and soul! :)

I wouldn't worry about the age difference and let nature take her course as they get older. My kids are 19, 7, 5 and 4. My 19 year old loves the attention the younger ones give him, especially when he comes home from college and the younger ones love the attention they get from the 19 year old. My youngest sister is 10 years younger than I am, with 2 siblings in between closer to my age. The 4 of us are very close--our age difference doesn't mean a thing to us. It even didn't mean anything as we were growing up. Just make sure you give ample attention to each child, doing something age appropriate with each. If you and your wife exhibit and model a loving family, so will your children as they grow up. Don't make the age difference a big deal and your kids won't either.

I come from a family of 4 siblings...my older brother is 2 yrs.older than me, my younger brother is 3 years younger, then there is my 'little' sister, who is now 27...but she was born when i was 9. So, she had 3 much older siblings (11,9 & 7 yrs. old). I can honestly say we doted on her hand & foot. If she made a peep, we all came running. Mom said it was a miracle she learned to walk on her own since we were always carrying her around or pushing her in the stroller. :) I think it taught us alot about patience, compassion, empathy, etc. Me being the only other girl in the family, i got looked up to as a role model. When i was a teenager, she was going into kindergarten. But all my friends thought she was "too cute" when they would come over to our house & she wanted to hang out with us. Looking back, we didn't have alot in common because of the age gap, but there always was love & mutual respect & admiration. Now that we are both adults with families of our own, we're even closer than we were as kids. As another mom commented, you have to foster the closeness, not the chasm. I think as boys, your kids will probably be close even if there were no age 'gap'...code of the boys club. :) Btw, just wanted to mention that i have 4 kids aged 17, 11, 6 1/2, and 3-girl, girl, boy, girl. They all get along pretty typically, and all dote on their 'baby' sister. I think you are worrying too much- just enjoy your family & remember: As their mother, help to encourage & foster their closeness.

I can't relate to the three kid thing, but my two boys are 6 years apart. It is not the most ideal, but it was good when they were little. each child had their own time with mom! We always called it special time. I was concerned that they would not be close, but they really are. The biggest drawback, if you want to call it that, is the younger one seems to grow up much faster because the older brother is 6 years ahead! they love each other and we have always been a close family. they are now 21 and 15, so the age difference doesn't really seem so large any longer!

You have three healthy, wonderful sons and you're obsessed or even have time to be obsessed about an age gap?

I have never been in that situation, but I can see possible benefits. Your last son might enjoy his alone time. He might be glad to know he has siblings who will take care of him or he can run to for issues. For the most part when he feels lonely later on, he will be reminded that he DOES have family/siblings. It's like being an only child but not being one at the same time. If he was the only child, he might have longings for someone else to talk to but I think just knowing he has older siblings will be comforting.

My husband and his younger brother are almost 13 years apart. They have always gotten along really well and as adults are very close. I think with them both being male it is easier than if one had been female. They have a lot of shared interests - watching sports, golfing, fishing, video games, music. These are all things they enjoy doing together. I also think in some ways it can be nice for our children as we all age as well. Most likely the oldest generation will die first, but with having my brother-in-law so much younger, our children can still have somewhat of a parental figure after we are gone. Congratulations on the new baby & I hope your sons enjoy many years together!

I am 8 years younger than my closest sibling. I found that my parents had more time to give me once they left for college. In addition, watching them go off to college inspired me to work harder so I could do the same thing. I have always been really close to both my siblings and the age difference was never a negative thing. I woudl imagine that the older kids could help with the baby as well.

i have to say that i have felt the EXACT same as you. i was the oldest girl with 3 much younger brothers....and we had a boy and were unable to get pregnant for a few years and now have 2 much younger girls. it wasn't our plan, but it makes me crazy bc it is exactly what i had been wanting to avoid bc i hated that family dynamic.

this is what i have come up with though. now that you are so sensitive to this age gap, you are going to be consciously able to do things that will bring your boys closer. when your older get to be teenagers and socially busy will be when your youngest will be starting to get into sports and that sort of thing...so it will be a great lesson for you to teach them how important their younger brother is and how he wants them there. so starting now, make sure the youngest is a part of their lives....telling them how much he looks up to them etc. this is what we do with ours...i will make sure all of our kids are very supportive of the others, despite age gaps.

your youngest will have great role models. i had a 7, 9 and 11 year age gap between my brothers and I, and what has made it ever harder is that they are boys. i think if they were girls we would still have bonded despite the age difference...over manicures or talking about boyfriends etc. it is hard for me to bond with my brothers with that large of an age gap BUT despite the age gap i think having 3 boys it won't be as hard for them to get close!

AND, not that you want to do this, but you always have the option of having a 4th baby so both sets of kids have a playmate and you won't need to stress as much about one being left out!

so just remember that you, as the parents, can help mold these relationships. if you stress to your older boys that they need to make their younger brother a priority despite there increasingly busy lives then they will. it would be easy for the oldest to get wrapped up in their life and ignore the baby...but you can guide that relationship!

being so aware of the age gap now is a great thing!

congrats on your 3rd little boy!

It's a little late to question/regret having a third child now. He's here!
My kids are shy of 10 years apart and though I wouldn't have planned it that way on purpose, I wouldn't change it if I could, either. It worked out beautifully. Yes, my daughter is out on her own and has been for years, but she and my son are very close. He thinks it's so cool when he gets to go spend the weekend with her at her house and she comes and gets him and takes him places. They talk on the phone all the time.
I wasn't emotionally ready for her to be all grown up and on her own and for me, it was a blessing to still have a kid at home.
My kids loved each other from the very beginning and there was never any jealousy or anything because they didn't compete for anything on the same level due to the difference in their ages. It just seemed like the most natural thing in the world to us.

You just had your baby a few weeks ago and I think these worries are part of your hormones and getting adjusted. Instead of being "odd man out", I'll bet your older boys will be very protective of their little brother. Closeness isn't always determined by age anyway. My sister and I are only 3 years apart and we fought like cats and dogs. We get along now as adults, but my kids never did fight like me and my sister. That was a bonus!

Try not to worry yourself right now about what will happen when it's time for college and things like that. Just enjoy your precious new baby and know that your kids will love each other. You are a family. It's a beautiful thing.

Best wishes to you!

You never know what personalities may emerge from your kids. Your youngest may relish in growing up and getting all the parental attention. Or being teh baby of the family. Hey, at least its better than being two years younger and having them pick on you all the time and take advantage.

I am 7 years younger than my sister. My son is 10 years older than my daughter. The youngest may be the most outgoing and smartest. The closeness may come later when they all have kids. The youngest can be helped to have friends his own age through Scouts and other organized activities. I have many cousins on one side of the family but most of them are about 15 years older than I. They helped my brother find his career path. When I grew up, they related that they found me adorable and they were always around to watch over me at family reunions so the parents could visit. It will work out.

I have a 12 year old and 2 year old girls. The 12 year was in love with her sister since minute one. The 2 year old wasn't to interested in her old sister until half year ago. No body in the house makes the 2 year laugh as much as my 12 year old does. Sometimes they fight (yes, it looks hilarious when they fight!) most because the 2 year old takes things that the 12 year old leaves out of her room. But the love is there and you can feel/see it.
I have a 14 year old sister (I am 32) she is my princess as well, I love, love her and spoil her, sometimes I had a little problem remembering that she is my sister and is not my role to be the mom.
Your older kids will have a different relationship then with the younger, and the little one will probably many times will try to adjust to the older ones and become more mature in order to keep up with them. But the difference will become smaller and smaller with the time ( 30-40, doesn't look so big gap right?).
Don't worry, as soon as the little one can start playing they will have more things in common, including driving you crazy, lol.

If you instill a unity within your children with each other, the age gaps are nothing. My children range in age from 18-4. The oldest and youngest are very close. Actually they are all close, but my point is that the age factor is nothing. We have this silly notion in our generation that you have to be near someone's age to be friends with them (thanks to the segregation of the public school system). Nonsense! If you love each other, then who cares what their ages are? You just need to make sure you foster a deep love for each other within your home. Do things together as a family. Don't let them fall into the stupid peer trap. That is destructive for families. And, you could always have another baby... :)

I am the oldest of 3 sisters. One sister is 7 years younger and the other is 10 years younger. Being the oldest - I don't have a TON of memories hanging out w/my younger sisters (except babysitting, LOL) I was always with my friends. But I will say that once I got to about 20-25 years old we became VERY close. Especially with my youngest sister (surprisingly) I'm 31 now and we are all sooooo close.

Yep..my brother and sister wanted nothing to do with me when they reached the teen age years. I pretty much was an only child when I was growing up. As I approached 18-21, then my siblings wanted to do stuff with me. It's normal, I felt lonely growing up but in the end it turns out to be ok.

My husband is the eldest of 4. There is 16 years difference between him and his youngest brother. They couldn't be closer. The youngest is more like and only child now because he has everything, but he gets the benefit of having 3 older brothers to ask questions and hang out with it. He is a great kid (now 16 himself) and very well balanced. Don't fret... he will do just fine!

Yes, he may be more like an only child, but if you get him involved in things like play groups and extra-curricular activities, he'll be just fine. He probably won't be close to his brothers for along time, but as they get older the age gap won't matter.
Whatever you do, don't let your regret show or you'll screw him up for life! There's nothing wrong with only children, and he's not even really an only child.