Father of My Seven Week Old Gets Extremely Angry with My Daughter

I am the mother of Cadence who is now 15 months old. When she was 7 weeks she started showing signs of colic. My husband is in the Army, and wasent there to help. There were many nights when I felt that I couldnt take it, and would have to wake my mother, who was staying with us to help, to pass her off because I was so fustrated. Being a new parent is difficult to say the least. Is you husband also working full time? I could just be a case of having to much on his plate. Give it time. Hell be ok

It looks like you've gotten a lot of advice. I just wanted to add that I also think it's normal what he's feeling. Those first few months can be so rough. I was exhausted all the time and really overwhelmed. I never knew you could love something sooooooo much, yet it drives you absolutely crazy. Are there any other men he could talk to that have been through this recently? For us, we had friends who had a child a few years older and it really helped us to talk to them. I also found message boards like this to be so helpful. Just knowing other parents were dealing with the same things and having a place to vent was a tremendous help. I know babycenter.com has a dad's message board that may help him.

i agree... it shall pass! the fact that he recongizes that he needs to have a break is good. i think the only reason to have concern woul dbe if he DIDNT say hey i need some fresh air or whatever... also any grandparents or siblings in the area that can come over and help? that would be great for both of you , it can get frustrating when you hare 24/7 with the baby ... even if its a couple hours to take a non-rushed shower.. and go out to eat , i think it would help alot!

Our daughter was colic and cried a lot. I just loved holding her and trying to calm her down. My husband was great as well. Yeah he would hand her off to me because he felt bad that he couldn't calm her down but he never got angry with her just sad thinking that she didn't like him. I can't tell you if this is normal but husband's don't have the initial connection we have and constant crying can be hard to deal with. I would keep a close eye on him just to make sure he doesn't reach a breaking point and possibly shake the baby because he is so bad. Also, I would see if his anger changes once the baby gets older and isn't crying so much. If his behavior is temporary then it is totally understandable able because constant crying is hard for anyone to deal with. Good luck!

Dear A.,

Couple of suggestions;

1. Make sure the baby does not sleep in your bedroom. Otherwise you will have two tired parents all of the time. Bad idea and this could be a disaster.

2. Read books, websites, etc. How to comfort, feed, handle baby, etc. Chicken soup series is really good. So is the baby whisperer by Tracy Haag. Both have great advice.

3. A new baby can be very stressful. Try taking walks at night, going out to dinner, whatever you need to do to get a break, even if the baby is with you.

4. Try to spare some attention just for your husband. Sometimes they get neglected when there is a new baby.

That's my 2 cents.

Deb

i'm sure this has already been said before but...

i feel like men have a hard time with really young infants. women who just birthed the child are so bonded, especially if nursing and a baby naturally clings to their mother for comfort. so the husband often times feels like he doesnt do things the right way, or the way you could do them to make her feel better. and it often times gets them really frustrated. and lets face it a crying baby who doesnt let up is extremely hard to deal with. as a first time parent, a new baby is overwhelming no matter what, throw in a baby whos crying and a husband can basically throw in the towel, sometimes, they are just clueless.. and instead of realizing, hey... this baby needs something and is really upset.. they just freak out b/c of all the noise. get him to read some books on how to handle an infant. if he feels more knowledgable he might not feel so frustrated next time. just take the time to help him when hes dealing with her. dont be bossy or pushy just give him suggestions so that he can figure out a way to comfort her. if he can find his own way to respnd to her that makes her better watch how he'll change when he realizes he can make her happy. he'll have a new found sense of pride that he can make his daughter feel better. and that frustration will hopefully pass when he gets the hang of that. also, is she a colicky baby? and are there things that can ease her pain so that efore frustration sets in?? like if she is gassy or things like that. anyway, i'm sure as she gets older he'll get more and more comfortable in handling her.. it will take patience on both your parts to get through the early days.. but keep it up. and enjoy her being such a little baby./ b/c soon enough she'll be runnin around and you wont be able to seperate them i'll bet!!

I was going to say the same thing as Faith did...The important thing for him to know is that this is NORMAL! Just the fact that he sets her down and walks away shows that he is just a normal parent going thru the adjustment period. It will get better. If he feels its getting worse, he really needs to see someone...your primary physician is a great resource! He is going to need reassurance and love thru all this. This can get aggravating for you too, I know...but you need to be patient with him. Another thing that may help him out is to talk to other Dads..have him join an online playgroup or chat area where he can talk to other Dads going thru the same thing...There are many out there...I would suggest to start with Yahoo Groups....
Not many parents talk about it, due to child services and such...but every parent goes thru phases where they THINK about hurting their child, but never do it....just wait till they turn two!! Talk about wanting to duct tape them up and throw them in the closet! lolol Its a normal feeling to THINK it for those split seconds, but not normal to act upon them...

Hi A.. It sounds like you have gotten some great advice. the only thing I'll add is that men aren't programed like we are. We as mothers have the mommy guard it alerts us when somethings wrong and helps us protect our young. It sounds like you have good communication with the father but it also sounds like you need to take over. If my husband even suggested that he was having those thoughts he would be band for helping when the baby was being difficult. Men are famous for doing a job bad just so they dont have to do it again. But I wouldn't even play around with my infant you said three words that scared me to death "Shaken Baby Syndrome" to me thats as horrifying as "SIDS". They say to walk away from your infant when you feel like that so let him walk. Take away the pressure that he is feeling by not asking him to help. Give him some time to adjust. When she is older and not as fragile start having him help again. What's the saying, If it was up to the men to have and care for the babies we would be extinct by now. Good luck!

Hello A.-
I am a little behind on my email but thought this definitely needed a response. Your husband needs to get help immediately. If he is admitting that he feels like he could hurt her b/c of the crying you need to intervene before something happens. Please do not think I am over-reacting because in my line of work I have seen this before. Everyone thinks it could not happen to them but it can happen to anyone. Your husband can call the Fathers Resource and Networking Center at ###-###-#### and speak with one of the gentlemen in the program. They offer classes and support. Please have him call!

I agree with the other posts, but you may also want to check with your DR. to see if she is a colic baby. Does she cry same time every day (afternoon/night mostly)? More than likely she is colicky. If that's the case, know that it generally stops around 3 months. I would also suggest reading the book "Happiest Baby on the Block" it gives great tips on how to quite your baby. Ours was colicky and cried for hours in the afternoon on into the night. I thought I was going to go crazy. It's not a big book, easy read, nor is it expensive, they may even carry it at the library, but do read it! Good Luck and congratulations!!!

Hi A.. I recommend getting a baby nurse or a postpartum doula to help out. Her presence will allow the two of you to get much-needed rest as well as allow her to give your husband some pointers on calming the baby, etc. Call the hospital/doctor/midwife who delivered her and ask for referrals or visit http://www.dona.com

Best of luck and congratulations on your daughter's arrival!

Time outs are for parents!!! I can’t tell you how many times I would just sit there and cry with the baby. But I got some great advice. Put the baby somewhere safe crib etc go in the other room and calm your self get a drink scream turn the music up for a minute or two. It doesn’t hurt a baby to cry. And take all the help you can get.

I have to say that I don't think my husband ever got angry with our son. I know that occasionally I did and so I would hand him over to my husband. I would be kind of nervous about the getting violent part. It is great that he puts her down when he starts to feel these feelings but I think he should talk to his doctor about it. He could be going through a depression and if that is the case, then maybe one day he may get violent. I am not saying that he will because most people can walk away, but depression is a funny thing. People who have never suffered depression don't realize what it means to be in one of those places. He should really talk to his doctor about the feelings, even if he doesn't think so the doc may have some coping suggestions that he will be able to talk through. I hope this helps. ENJOY YOUR NEW BABY it is the most wonderful thing in the world!

I agree that all of those feelings are very normal. I also believe that ignoring the feelings and urges will not make them go away. The good thing is he's willing to voice his fears and try to improve the situation. Some of that will come with time. Newborns are a lot of work, cry for no reason, cause us to lose sleep, and can be down right annoying and maddening at times... no matter how much we love them. But newborns don't stay newborns forever. The key is to work hard to get through that time. It's not easy, and nobody should do it alone if they don't have to. Hopefully this link will help some. Good luck to you and your family.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5775331

Dear A.,
It gets better!! My husband and I would say (only to each other) how frustrated we would get including feeling "violent" towards our son. We never harmed our son but can see how it could happen like those people you see on the news. No one can prepare you for what changes your little one brings. My main suggestions : lots of holding and bouncing or rocking, pacifier, loud white noise like air purifier, radio static, hair dryer. If all else fails, trade with your spouse and take a break. Good luck. Soon this will all be a blur. K.

It's definately a good sign that he is talking about his feelings with you. Here are some ideas to pass on to him

Ten dad-tested ways to soothe a crying baby (from http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/dadsbaby/3691.html)

Feel your baby's pain
Putting on your baby's favorite reggae CD will not satiate her hunger, nor will a teething baby stop crying when you change her diaper. In other words: "First, find the source of the pain," says David Templeton, father of two in Branford, Connecticut. Yes, this seems almost too logical, but when the crying train sets to rollin', logic is usually left at the station.

Try the pinky
If you're not sure what's causing the problem, whip out your littlest finger and offer it to your baby to suck on. "It's a classic," says Greg Lanigan, father of two in Coppell, Texas. In fact, this was the single most popular method for soothing a crying baby, if you exclude the "hand-crying-baby-to-wife" technique. The key is to insert your pinky upside down, so that you don't scratch the roof of your baby's mouth with your fingernail.

Get a drink
For the baby, we mean. If breastfeeding is not an option — and so few men are willing to try it — then try offering your baby a warm bottle of formula or the breast milk your wife left in the freezer when she went out.

Rock and swing
Babies love movement — and who better to swing them around than daddy of the strong arms? "Our detachable car seat doubled as a baby carrier," says Eric Rimm, father of one in Boston. "When my daughter started to cry, I would secure myself against a chair or wall and swing the infant seat back and forth, back and forth." Rimm calls this the "dual-purpose swing," as it worked both as a baby sedative and a form of exercise. "I eventually stopped using this method when I noticed my right biceps and triceps were more developed than the left," he says.

Cut a rug
We could suggest tossing your baby in the air and catching her, but though your child will love it, your wife won't. So try the "Navajo Shuffle" instead, submitted by veteran dad Bob Roth as an alternative. Hold your baby up to your shoulder and wrap his little arms around your neck. Then, dance gently — rocking slowly back and forth — with a spin or two thrown in for good measure. Tap the floor with your foot and try chanting — hey, it works. It doesn't really matter what you chant, as long as it's repetitive and matches the beat of your dance. Gradually lower your voice as your baby begins to quiet. And he will.

Fine-tune embarrassing personal stunts
Bodily function noises. Horrific contorted faces. Spontaneous belly flops onto the nearest hard surface. Finally, there is a positive outlet for the physical gags you've practiced since childhood. Try Mark Blount's trick: This Atlanta father of two has turned cries into stares and giggles by putting something on his head, letting it fall off, and yelling, "Oh no, they fell again!" He also makes bulldog faces.

Rock and sing
For many, this could easily fit under "embarrassing personal stunts." Lanigan could quiet his first son, Drew, by singing Patsy Cline's "Crazy," a beautiful albeit depressing song that doesn't teach a baby much about positive relationships. Blount recommends any song by Ray Charles, as he contends it's the swaying motion, not the song itself, that will soothe. However, respect your baby's taste, too: Rimm was "met with little success" when imitating Pavarotti while singing "Hush Little Baby."

Wear your baby
Place the baby in one of those front-loading slings. Between the warmth of your body, the rhythmic beating of your heart, the somniferous rise and fall of your breathing, and the gentle swaying motion as you walk ... at least one of you should be asleep in minutes.

Wait it out
Mothers may view this as a decidedly detached and therefore "male" approach, but sometimes, kids are just going to cry — and sometimes what they want is for you to listen. If your baby's not in pain, she's not hungry, tired, or wet, and she doesn't want to be held or rocked, then let her cry, at least for as long as you can stand it.

Hand the baby to your wife
At times, you may want to fall back on the oldest standby of all: Tell her you tried.

Recent studies have shown that dads also get postpartum depression. A newborn takes up so much time and attention that it can wear on anyone's nerves. As your body prepares for birth, your bladder and other pregnancy related things cause you to wake up frequently at night. So when your baby comes, you're already used to not getting a full night's sleep. Dads don't get this advantage. They go from being mildly wakened by your getting out of bed in the middle of the night to having to get up from a dead sleep to care for a screaming little person that can't tell them what's wrong.
There's a huge feeling of being out of control, because right now he isn't in control and it can make them feel helpless. Have him discuss this with your family physician and get some help. Just as if he were the mother that had just given birth. You really don't want those feeling of hurting the baby to get worse without going for serious help. And help him see that this is not a weakness on his part. You don't want him to feel ashamed so much that he won't go. It's very common.

As long as he tells you when he is beginning to feel like this and puts the baby down you are fine. There were points when my daughter was about that age when I would feel the same way. I would have to pass her off to my husband so that I could go into another room and calm myself down. I'm sure the other moms gave you good hints on how to get him to calm down and to be more effective calming down the baby, but I just wanted to let you know that what he feels is totally normal!