Family Torn Apart

Hi Terry,
You sure do have some wonderful family values-and a big heart for forgiveness!!!!! Where did you get that from???? I would guess from your DAD. I also had a dad who would forgive any wrong immediately after he had blown his top-lol.Once he exploded-the whole issue was over for him. My mom is entirely different. She's a champion grudge holder.She's fought against my life decisions many a time-and told me that she would NEVER-EVER accept whatever decision or choice I or my family had made. But after time-she does finally come around. She's been mad as heck at me and not wanted to talk to me after I made some decisions she didnt like. I just kept forgiving her and talking to her regardless. She was cold to me for seasons-but she unfroze eventually. The main thing was-I told her the truth before and after the decsions I made. I heard her out before-heard her threats and all-and then went ahead and did what i felt best-even though I knew she would be angry.Then I told her up front that I had gone against her judgement-let her have her hissy fit-treated her with honor just the same even though she acted coldly to me-but she always thawed out.
It's like this right here-your whole family is in one accord.Only ONE person refuses to forgive-your mom. I think you should tell her the truth-let her explode or have a fit or whatever she does to try to control things-and wait it out. I mean-does she really wanna be the ONLY ONE left out of everything? And is her stubbornes worth having your hubby lose all contact with his siblings???? I dont think so.
I think MOM needs to understand that whenever we refuse to forgive-it really doesnt hurt the other person-it hurts us. WE have to live with the anger and bitterness.God said in His word-if you don't forgive your brother-neither will I forgive you. So mom is harvesting a crop of anger and bitterness -plus God 's unforgiveness towards her.That isn't a healthy choice!!!! That kind of stress affects one's whole body and mind.
Listen-you're an adult. Ya still need to honor your mom-but that doesn't mean ya gotta agree with her on everything-or do whatever she says. BE an adult and be willing to confront her and stick up for yourselves!!!! Let her have her hissy fit. She'll get over it if all of you stick together. Might take some time.But does that stubborn lady want to be left out of all the family gatherings and fellowship? I think ya gotta fight fire with fire. The main thing is-MOM has GOT to forgive, That's a maain theme in the Bible. I know she musta done somethin at sometime where she needs to be forgiven. Otherwise-she can hold her grudge-CONTROL EVERYBODY ELSE and stay amean old unforgiven lady.
Confront her-tell her the truth. And hey-ya do NOT hafta be afraid of yer mom any more. You're grown for cryin out loud.

T.,

I am sure you have heard the saying that forgiveness is more for your benefit than for the person you are forgiving. I beleive this to be true because holding a grudge is holding on to pain that the other person can only imagine. I think you should do whatever it's in your heart to do. If it comes down to a confrontation with your mother, I think you can tell her that it was a hard decision to make, that you considered everyones feelings but in the end the decision was yours and had to be based on the toll that this conflict has taken on you personally. All you can do is release your own burdens. You have no control over hers. Also tell her that you don't expect that any decision you've made to force her to make the same decision. Her needs are probably different than yours. Assure her that you are not judging her for not being able to forgive; she shouldn't judge you for being able to.

I hope that your family can heal for this!

Stefnaie

As you know, forgiving others is the best thing you can do for yourself. It relieves a great burden on your heart. My suggestion is that you keep trying to build up your family but also try to avoid an open confrontation with your mother. Yes, she will probably find out eventually, but you don't have to bring it up first, and you can handle it gently when she finds out. Deal with that when it comes, and try to help her see that her unforgiving attitude is actually burdening her and not the other lady. In the meantime, give your mother her space when it comes to this issue and let her take her healing at her own pace.
I haven't gone through that, but I really feel for you. I found this booklet online. It is called "Three Simple Ways to Become a Happier Family." It has a lot of really useful suggestions and helps that could be great for you and your family. It's free, and it certainly couldn't hurt. Just click on the link below and scroll to the bottom. The booklet is in the bottom right corner. Good luck! http://mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/the-restora...

My Mum stopped being civil to me 20 years ago because I married my husband. Over the years I have bent over backwards to try and mend the rift and all it has done is kept me away from the rest of my family. I have come to a place where I know that the only thing that will change is more time will pass and only when she stops being angry will things change between us. As I have no control over her anger/unforgiveness I decided to do the things I wanted with my siblings and extended family. Life is too short to miss out on relationships because of someone elses choice to be angry.
You know the situation that caused the asault on you and I presume are smart enough to not put yourself at risk of the same thing happening again. Forgiveness is often a gift you give yourself not the person you forgive. I forgave my mother a long time ago and it has meant that I no longer have to be angry at her. This has freed me to be myself around her and let the harsh things she says roll off my back. Keeping this from her is only putting off the enevidable and she would prefer to hear it from you than some busybody. Her reaction will be her responsibility and your response yours.
Sharing your Love is never the wrong choice.

I applaud you. It is VERY diffucult to mend fences in situations like that, but it can be done. It takes an unmentionable amount of love and patience. Not many people can forgive completely. I have been there. It is difficult when mom or sis or bro don't forgive the way that you do. Like you said, it's family. Nothing is more important.
My only advise to you is this...have a heart to heart with mom. Explain to her how you feel. Let her know that you're relationship with your brother is more important than any grudge you could hold against his wife. Just don't expect mom to feel the same. Mom should be understanding and allow the reunion, she may want to be part of it, she may not. Our mothers are very wise. Even if she can't forgive someone who hurt you, she will understand that you forgive. I would be proud of my child for having such a strong heart. Nothing is more important than the time you are able to spend with your family. Don't miss a moment! You never know how many moments you have left.
A.(29 yr old mommy of 3)

T. I think you are doing the right and Christian thing. Let the past stay were it is and don't worry what people think of you. Your mom will have to come to terms with everything in her own way. She may not be able to forgive right now - but that is her decision. If you feel that your brother and his wife need to be in your life there should not be anything to stop that. And on the light side - if another fight breaks out you should probably leave or at least duck. :)! God Bless.

Your mother needs to cherish the time she has with her children and understand their adult decisions...
Family is family and nobody lives forever, cherish the time you have together and if you are a big enough person to forgive and mend those relationships your mother should respect that part of your life (doesnt mean she has to be a part of it). I would think if she has lost the relationship with her son she would not want to jeopardize the one she has with you as well. Good luck, matters of the heart dont always go well with family matters!

T.,

You have not lost your mind and what you are doing is very commendable----not many people can say that. That is the only way that we can be forgiven for our transgressions is to forgive others of theirs. Only you know what type of relationship you can handle and want to have with people and you are in control of your life and destiny, not your mom (don't mean to sound harsh). Don't be afraid to tell your mom, the relationship with your brother and sister-in-law should not affect your relationship with your mom. Be strong and keep the love that you have for your family going, you will eventually win your mom over to see that things can change and there is no sense holding onto the past. GOD Bless!!

Thank God you have forgiven insteading of taking her to court for all you can get!!! I wish you could teach this behavior to all of America!!! If only there were more people like you!!! You should write a story about how you came to the decision to forgive her and have it published. You are certainly a peace maker if there ever was one. I believe that peace first has to come from the heart, and then to the family, and then to the community, and then it grows from there. You might be the beginnings of world peace. You are golden in my eyes.

Hi T.!

Wow!I've been thinking a lot about this before answering you... many thinks came to mind, but the first I have to say is that I really admire you, you are setting an incredible example of forgiveness and love!!You were probably the one was affeceted thr most in this situation since YOUR brother married YOUR husband's stepmother and YOU got severely hurt fisically in the midst of it all...yet you are moving forward, forgiving and restablishing and mending relationships that are definatelly worth the effort. Just imagine the example for your kids!!
I had a situation in my family that kept us apart for 10 years, when we decided to also forgive , forget and reach out, I realized that the love was still there, and that we waisted all those years of being part of each others lives, and life itself would have been so much easier with them around! this was also a conflict with my mother as the situation was created by her sister, so she was mad at her because she hurt me and when I forgave she was mad at her AND me because she felt betrayed by me,see? I had to talk to her a lot, about forgiveness and how you do it for you, that is healthy to let go of the resentment and liberate herself of the anger and that recovering her sister was worth the effort s as I knew she loved her too and ...It took a while and a lot of talking to her and she finally gave in, at the end everything was forgiven and even forgotten, at this point I can tell you nobody remembers what happened anyways...SO my advise to you is not to hide it from your mom anymore, talk to her, explain your own reasons to forgive and embrace your brother into your life again, you may find that she is releived, maybe she feels she "has" to stay mad because if not she may be betraying you? That's how my mom felt...if not, I think you may try to make her see how short life is and how unpredictable it is, and that at the end our family is always going to be there, I am sure your brother misses her too.
I heard a song last night that made me think of you and your situation and it says that we don't know what life has in store for us, it can change in a split second, nobody really knows when is the end of the road, life is such a gift..."so, we give, we love, we forgive and never give up, cause the days we are giving are gifts from above, and today we remember to live and to love..." Forgive and move on is a choice, not an easy one, but at the end is so rewarding...
I also hope that your brother and his wife can also demostrate that they are willing to do everything to mend this relationships...
I wish the best to you and your family and again Congratulations!
A.

Healing and communication are the two most important things right now.

And, above all, honesty. It's never, ever easy to take the hard road on your decisions in life. Easier to duck and dodge your way out of tough situations.

Your commitment sounds real and it sounds honest. So, then, should your commitment be to yourself to release the fear you have. Fear of holding back. Fear of getting found out. Fear of hard feelings coming to surface. Fear of family words and actions that don't communicate a positive direction. Fear that what they say will hurt. Good! Honest pain is better than hidden pain!

Do not go blindly into the night. Go with great boldness and great love for the healing of the situation. People will react (eventually) with a positive reaction and with great understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV) is a good passage to recite when things start looking bad. I will hold positive thoughts for you and your family and the healing that I KNOW will come about because of your willingness to make your family whole again.

T.,

This has been a very difficult time for you. I admire the way you have come to terms with it, gone forward with your life and now are ready to forgive. I think it shows a great deal of emotional maturity, courage and love.

I understand that you do not want to hurt your mother, but you are an adult and you have your own feelings and get decide how to act upon them. The best thing for you to do is to sit down with your mother and calmly explain this to her. Yes, she may react badly. Here is something for you to think about. The best way out is always through. If you wait for your mom to find this news out on her own (and she will), she will be more upset because she will have more to be upset about because she will feel like you lied to her on top of what she may feel is a betrayal (you forgiving your brother and his wife).

Also try to keep in mind that your mother has a right to her own feelings, too and I think you should acknowledge that to her. If she wants to continue to be angry and stay away from her son and his wife, that is her decision. Just wondering, but how does your husband feel about this? I would think this would be a trickier situation with him that with your mother if he is still unwilling to forgive. After all, you are partners for life and live together. If he has not come to terms with this situation, I think you have to consider that forgiving these people does not necessarily mean that you all are going to spend a lot of time together. Hope this helps, S.

Life is too short to live it with anger. Regardless of the situation make mends with your brother. As far as the exstepmom goes, she is just that. His dad is gone and love has no boundaries. Forgiving is a beautiful thing and not easy at first, but worth it in the long run. Think if God wasn't a forgiving God then where would we be?

I can't reallt relate.Naturally me and my husband have had family members who disagree with something we did or didnt do or vise versa.Hell, my husbands uncle was having a relationship with my husbands step sister which made my MIL hella mad b/c she raised her as her kid.And for awhile sh wouldnt talk to either of them.But usually on both sides of our family we just blow it off and continue to live as we had before any wrong doings lol.Usually that works in getting everyone to come around.No one in both our families have evr stayed mad for very long.And if one decided their not talking to someone else that too usually passes.

I think you guys need to give mom a clue and all at one time with a spokes person for all and tell her the truth. I believe all of you are old enough and have taking enough pain that you can handle ( maybe ) another diappointment. She is older but you guys are acting older and wiser, it's time for her to grow up and accept people for who they are and the changes life brings. By her being the way she is, you guys are not the ones loosing out on family she is. So, don't blame yourselves for being family and moving on to happiness. Some people don't like to be happy. Remember misery loves company!!

Your life seems complicated enough. Tell her the truth and let her deal with it. Trust me, in the long run this is the only way to keep your sanity. My husbands family broke apart and for years after my hubby made amends we tip toed around his mom, dad and sister (they had a MESSY divorce, major drama). Finally I couldn't keep lies straight (and I'm an awesome liar, sad but true). Finally I quit. I had a marraige, I had kids, deployments to deal with, moving every 2-3 years across the country/world, hurricanes (we were in FL) and my own whacko side of the family. I decdided I was not going to complicate my life anymore so other people could live worry free. THEY had to deal with THEIR personal issues, not me dealing with their choices. My husband and I decided this together and if my father in law was visiting and my mother in law asked what we were doing. I told her the truth. Straight out. I didn't rub it in, just very matter of fact. My mother in law drove out and asked us to lunch ( my hubby hadn't spoked with her for years) we went. My father in law asked what were we doing. I simply replied we were having lunch with Diane and Gary (the new husband also the guy she was cheating with for years, anyway), very matter of fact. We didn't invite him to give his opinion. It was my husbands relationship and his choices were exactly that. They still get funny when they ask to talk to my husband and I say he's busy with company. But, they are dealing with their issues and we're not anymore. It has really been a relief.

I hope I made sense. Good luck to you and know your not the only one with a crazy family. We're all in good company!

Take Care, J.

Hi T.,

It sounds like your famiy needs prayer more than anything. If they do not feel they are people of faith, I guess there are no solutions. If they do feel they are people of faith, they need to take inventory of their own faults--one is an unwillingness to forgive. I believe these people in your family were wrong and hurt you terribly along with many others. But if they have expressed remorse and and seek forgiveness, one gains nothing by holding onto bitterness. Even secular counseling will acknowledge holding onto grudges hurts the grudge bearer far more than anyone else. Aside from that, it is commanded that we forgive. It is easy to forgive those whose crimes were not so great or caused little suffering. But we are not commanded to forgive only those who are easy to forgive. They probably do not feel they have the strength or desire to forgive. That is okay, they are human but they should recognize it is still expected of them. This means they will have to pray God will change the condition of their heart so they will have the strength and desire to honor his commandment. It will not benefit those forgiven nearly as much as it will the ones willing to forgive. Hope that makes sense!!!

hi, i am also a mother and love my family.to choose to forgive someone is personal and if your mother isnt ready thats on her but if you are why not. just remember their are consiquences to our choices. im devorced and my mother has choosen to hate my exhusband for me. i forgive him but i also dont forget that what he did in our marrage is who he is as a person. so i do temper how i act when in his company cause he loves to make me the victum in situations i have nothing to do with. i have personally chosen not to participate in his bad behavior but i chose to allow him in my life so my kids will see that life is about forgivness. my mom on the other hand is a person onto herself and i respect the fact that she wants to stick up for me but im old enough to fight my own battles and i just dont go there with her today and i continue to love her for who she is. i hope this helps you to make a decission you can live with

My family has the same type of problem and I have chosen to forgive the "bad" family members while most of my family has not forgiven them, wont talk to them says if they see them they'll well do bad things themselves, makes sense right? NOT! So this is how I put it, " I understand your choice to not talk to them or want anything to do with them but they are my family same as you and I CHOOSE to forgive and let go, I have not and will never forget but they are my family, I will not talk to you about them if it will bother you but please do not hold it against me for following my heart". So I would go that path with it. If you accept your mom doesn't want anything to do with them then you should be able to expect her to accept your wanting to be in their life, doesnt mean she has to be, just respect her choice also.

D.