Family Pictures, (With or Without "Stepmom")

I'm all for family pictures, even though the family may not be traditional. Maybe especially when it's not. I don't find it unusual that you would want a picture of the three of you. But, I would suggest that the three of them have just as much reason to want a picture of the three of them. Take all the pictures possible.

I am a stepmom. My husband divorced when his daughter was one year old, and his son was four. His two kids had pictures with their dad and me, and with their mom and her new husband many times along the way. It wasn't until they were teenagers that their mom and dad could put away their anger towards each other and actually posed for a informal picture with the four of them in a coffee shop. The kids cherish that picture, of their biological family.

Another picture that I'm so glad we had taken had my two stepkids, their two half-sisters by their mother, and my daughter, also their half-sister. All five of them together! They love having that picture.

Please try to let go of your emotion around this.

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They can have the pic done with or without your consent so don't make a big deal of it, for your son's sake. Also, I wouldn't do the pic of the 3 of you. You are not a family and you don't want to create false hope or confusion in your son. You could do one of you and your son and one of him and his dad and put them in one frame. If your son wants to display the pic including his step-mom, let him.

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I'm not sure what all the drama is about. Have pictures taken in all 'combinations', you pay for what prints you want, dad & stepmom can pay for the prints they want. It's a picture, not a legal document.

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Face facts. This other woman IS your son's stepfather and I think they are within THEIR right to get their own family portrait taken.
Go and have your own photo taken with your son.
Just the fact that you want dad IN your picture shows that you are trying to "make" the situation into what you want, maybe not what it actually IS.
There needs to be room for everyone in your son's life and he shouldn't be made to "feel" this is "right" and this is "wrong"!

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You should all go to the studio together

Take pictures in whatever combination everyone wants
Get one of your son and his dad
Son, dad and step mom
You and your son
You could even bring clothing changes for your and use different backgrounds.

Put the one of your son and his dad and one of you and your son in your son's room
Don't bother to get one of you, son and Dad - that is a family dynamic that doesn't exist

It's just photos
and of course dad and new wife want some of the three of them together.

Don't stress over it.

Good Luck
God Bless

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Your son has only met this woman twice, but then again, he's only seen his father 4 times. So it's a little uncomfortable in some ways to even have pictures of your son and his father. This is not someone he knows well, but it's someone who has a legal and biological relationship to him. The new wife is involved and she does have a legal relationship to your son. If they are both planning to be part of his life, then I think it's helpful and reassuring to the child to know that there are people who care about him. I think it's going to be a while before your son (and you) can trust that these 2 people are going to stick around. But it's also possible that the resurgence in interest on the part of your ex is because of his new wife's influence. She could become an ally of yours. I think it's wise to develop a positive relationship with her and, if possible, welcome her into your son's life as much as you seem to be welcoming your ex.

The problem is that you suggested a photograph to solidify the relationship - now everyone wants to get into the act to solidify the relationships. I think it would be incredibly magnanimous of you to support a photo series in a variety of poses. I know you feel that they are not a family, because she just married you ex. But some people would say that YOU are not a family any longer because you divorced your ex. You have been the primary figure in your son's life for 5 years - there is no way he is going to forget that or think that the stepmother is replacing you. But they will be, at least on occasional visits, a family - families come in all shapes and sizes and configurations these days, and the more that the various entities can get along, the better off the child will be.

I would suggest that there be a series of photos - you and son, dad and son, parents and son, the 3 of them, and perhaps even all 4 of you. I know that takes a lot. I am a stepmother and I see the difference in the stepchildren when mom and stepmom can get along as opposed to when they couldn't. Family weddings, confirmations, etc. are all challenges that people face when it comes to seating arrangements and photos. The more you take, the better off you are because everyone can be included.

You can get away from the "display" idea by making an album that your son can look at now and then - you do not have to display her photo in his room if you don't want to. Your son could have a duplicate album at his dad/stepmother's house if he will be going there - that might be nice for him to have a photo of you to look at. You could also expand the circle of family by putting in pictures of others - perhaps you have parents and siblings and cousins that will expand your son's view of his extended family - and that will put the stepmother in the "extended" area.

I know you are not used to this stepfamily idea because it is just starting and there have been only 2 visits. But the whole entire thing is new to you and to your son - even the visits with dad are really brand new. It's going to take some time to adjust.

You can back off the idea of the photo and wait until the relationship is more established and you can trust that it will continue - although it's going to be harder since you suggested it. Alternatively, you can trust that your incredible influence in your son's life will never, ever be replaced by another woman, and you can start to try to welcome her as a potentially caring person into your son's life. You are not in competition with her.

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this woman might make a positive difference in your son's life and his relationship with his father....I would not put up a fuss and be magnanimous and let it happen....

while I don't condone a father not seeing his son...he is still your son's father at one point in your life - you found something good and redeemable about this man....so instead of holding the past over his head - hope for a better future and a better relationship between he and your son...

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You are being too controlling over this. Even if he is not much of a "dad' to him, it's his son and can't he snap whatever pictures of his son he wants? Does it make a big difference because it is a professional picture instead of an informal spapshot? A picture is a picture. They could just as easily take a snap of the three of themselves at a BBQ, blow it up in a big frame and hang it in their home. You have no control over that. I say let it go, if they want to shell out cash for the formal print, that's their deal.

(I get why it irks you though! Sometimes we just have to take a big breath and let go. Not worth the stress, y'know.)

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I think it's fine for you to take a picture of you, your ex and your son. However, I think it's also fine to have a picture of your son taken with dad and stepmom. It's not for you to display, but perhaps your ex wants to display a picture of himself with his wife and his son, even though she is not the mother. If he barely knows his dad, it's really not different for him to take a picture with stepmom as it is for him to take a picture with dad.

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you opened this can of worms. The photo wont hurt any thing. is it weird? yes. But, really, It isn't going to hurt anything.

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I had a similar situation with my adopted daughter and her brother. I suggest that you have a picture taken with all of you. You, your significant other if there is one and his Dad, his Dad's wife, and him. You are family, all of you, even tho he isn't as much in his son's life as you'd like.

There are many kinds of family. Yours is one kind. A picture with all of you shows solidarity even if you don't feel it. I suggest that having the picture will help your son to feel more secure because he can see that he has all of these people who love him. The fact that his father doesn't see him often does not mean he doesn't love him. And his step-mother will grow to love him.

I wouldn't make it a large picture. Just a 5x7 perhaps and not put it on the wall. I'd also let his father have a picture of him with his wife. Again it shows that he is a part of their family, too. Again, it doesn't matter how much a part he is. Just be being born and his father by marrying he is a part of that family.

I suggest that pictures are significant and that may be why allowing them is so difficult for you. Perhaps you'd like to believe that this "other" woman is unimportant but she is a part of your son's life now. By including her she may encourage your ex to be more of a part of your son's life. It is very important for your son's Dad to be more involved.

Perhaps you like it that it's just you and your son, without his father being very involved? I suggest that it could be a good thing for him to have more people who love him involved, with boundaries, in his life. Yes, he's your son and he's your ex's son and his wife's step son.

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No, it is NOT appropriate for you to have a pic with you, dad and son together. YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER and should not make that confusing for your son. I am a step mom and my kids have a step mom. She is the MOM of her house and whoever is in it. Myabe SHE will be the one to bring your son and his father closer together. If they want a "family" picture for their own home then they can do it. Who are YOU to say that? Wow, I'm actually really shocked at this. I assume you are not remarried? If so, would the same go for your husband not being in the picture. It doesn't matter that your son rarely sees his father or step mother. They are a family unit just as you are. Respect that and stop the drama, its really unnecessary. Good luck.

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"While they're here"? I noticed this statement & am curious as to where his dad lives? Does he live out of state/outside of your city?

I don't see how them getting pictures done is any stranger than you, your ex and your son getting pictures done together. Neither are traditional families. Maybe his dad wants to change, maybe the stepmom wants them to be a family. He may not be overly active in your son's life, but he is still his dad, and he deserves to have a picture of his current family. No, you wouldn't display it in your house, because it's for them & their enjoyment. In any event, I don't think you get to take that away from them.

On the other hand, I don't get why you'd want a picture of the 3 of you together. I'd think it would be confusing for your son & an image of something that will never be. If my parents (who divorced when I was 7) had done that I would've felt like the picture was contrived & fake, which is essentially what it is.

Pics of you & your son, or your son & his dad is one thing, but all together? I don't get it, quite honestly.

I guess I can somewhat understand why you're upset, but I think you're reading into it too much & need to let it go. If it's something out of your control, why put so much energy into it, you know?

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As a child who had step-parents on both sides, I say go ahead and let his dad have a picture with step-mom in it. It's not going to confuse your son any about the relationship. He already knows exactly where he stands with dad and the new wife. (Yes, even at 5, I knew my step-mom was not the same as my mom, and that we weren't family the way I was with my mom and step-dad). It'll make your son's dad happy, and show your son the high ground. You don't have to put up a huge one in his room (maybe a smallish, like 4x6, somewhere would be tasteful).
I honestly think it would be weirder and more confusing for your son to have picture with you and your ex and him in it as if you were still a family. I would have thought it was really weird (my parents separated before I was born and divorce was final when I was 18 months, so this may color my perception, but still). Just have other pictures of your current family for him.

Kids really do know the difference, and they understand pretty quickly the dynamics of step families, and especially when one parent is almost entirely absent from his life. The picture won't really change things.

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I am divorced and remarried, with a son from my first marriage and a daughter and son from my second. My ex has also remarried and has 2 daughters with his wife. Our son goes back and forth, and spends 50% of his time with each family, so our somewhat situation is different than yours. I have to say this -- it's difficult to accept step parents as part of your child's family when you haven't chosen them... much harder than the stepparents that you do choose, but like it or not, they are part of your son's family. Let them take a picture. Even if your son hasn't seen very much of them, they are his family. Your son will know who has raised him, who sits with him when he has nightmares, who takes care of him when he's sick, who celebrates his accomplishments with him, etc. He will also probably love his father, and miss him, and really like having these pictures. You probably have family who you don't see often -- not more than once or twice a year -- that you care about. Isn't it nice to have pictures with them? It's hard, but you should encourage your son to have a relationship with his dad, and yes, with his stepmom. He needs that connection.

My son has pictures with just him, me, and his dad. He also has pictures with each family, formal and informal, as well as pictures of him with any one of his 4 parental figures. Each family is a family, and he feels lucky that he has so many adults who care so much about him. When he tells us he wants it, he even gets the occasional dinner out with just his biological parents. Now, we've worked very hard to get to the point that we can work easily together and it's really not a big deal to interact in a friendly way at this point. My son is also almost 10. It might confuse a 5 year old -- I don't know. Depends on your son. My point it, this needs to be all about what's best for your son, not what's best for you. When we have kids, we have to be grownups about divorce, and make sure that their needs and best interests take top priority. I know it's hard -- there were (and are, when I'm honest with myself) so very many times when I selfishly wish I could have just gone for the every-other-weekend-with-Dad model, because there is nothing I would like more than to have my son with us most of the time, but then I see how very happy he is, and how he has a great, close relationship with all of us, and this huge support network, and I'm sure that it's all worth it.

Sorry for wandering off the point for a bit - I need to tell myself that occasionally -- particularly when I start feeling selfish again :-)

Anyway, I think that the picture with his dad and stepmom is a perfectly fine idea, as is pictures of him with his dad to be framed and put in a prominent place in his room. And, perhaps, encouraging frequent phone calls if seeing his Dad frequently is not an option. Only you would really know if the picture of the two of you with him would confuse him or not. Perhaps that ought to wait until he's older. You don't want him to think that the two of you might get back together.

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I did not read all the other responses, but I think that if your ex wants to have photos taken of himself, your son and his new wife, he should pay for them. There is nothing wrong with them getting photos done. Your son can never have too much love. Who knows? Maybe your son's new step-mom has really been trying to get your ex to have a better relationship with his child? She is not necessarily the enemy here. Encourage a relationship.
I do think that you guys taking a picture together with your son is a nice thing. If you are doing this for your son, then don't worry about what anyone else is going to think. And of course do pictures of just you and your son as well.

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I am with you on having a family picture FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SON of both YOU and your EX and SON in the picture. This will be for HIS memories. It will help him see that you were BOTH together at some point.

IF your ex also wants to take a picture with your son and his new wife, as much as you do not like it, it is your ex's son too and weird as it is, he wants him in the picture of his "new" family.

That said, I believe you should reinforce to your son that you both love him and this is not normal but you learn how to live with mistakes people make in their lives. That way your son understands and can choose later in life what is what based on reality, truth and life circumstances

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As a professional photographer and lover of family photo's I would just take the picture.

You are right, you don't have to display the picture. But some day it might mean something to your son.

I think it is not about the picture but of your EX's thoughts that they are a family. Let it go. Actions speak louder than a picture.

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I think I understand what you are trying to do.. As a child of divorce. ... I never wanted a "Portrait or posed" type photo of my parents and me all 3 of us together. I just did not see us that way.. Not in my brain or my heart..

Now if by some chance we were in a situation together and someone took a candid photo of us 3 together that was fine, .But I never framed those photos for display.. In my mind and heart, we were in no way a family together.. Instead we were each "our own special families" separate and so that was awesome.

Now that everyone is remarried, that also makes an interesting dynamic, because I feel like my mom and my stepdad are one of my families and my dad and his wife my other family.. Again, I would never want a studio or posed photo of us for display of all of us together, but if someone caught us in a candid shot, that would seem more realistic..

Do not force some sort of "family dynamic" that is not really there. Instead allow your son to embrace the FACT that he is so lucky to have 2 families.. 1 with his mom and another with his dad.. Keep them special and independent so he will not feel he is missing out on anything or trying to pretend something.. What you have is his normal.. He does not need to have a "posed version" of a family portrait because that is not his life. his is unique.. .. I hope this makes sense..

Funny, Once I got married and we had wedding portraits, I did have a posed photo, that included my husbands parents, my mom, and then my dad and his wife.. We were all a new family.. again never to be all together again at once.. so not really a real photo that I have any feeling for.. It just seems too posed..

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They are a family even though they don't live close together. It's not the type of family you would envision for you son, but nevertheless it's a family. What harm would a picture do? It's just a picture.

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I don't think it's strange AT ALL to have a pic with the three of you. It's where he came from for crying out loud. It will mean something to him when he's an adult, at least it did with me! My parents are divorced and we always take a pic with my real parents and then one with the stepmom (my 5th stepmom might I add).

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C., the whole problem I see is that this man has seen his child 4 times in 5 years. I wouldn't have had a picture made at all, to be honest. If he goes another year without seeing this kid, I think it's just playing with this child's emotions.

I would not have any pics made without some sort of knowledge that these two people will actually start thinking about this child and caring about him, and not an afterthought. I guess I just look at things differently than you do.

As to your question, he's not a "father" in the sense of a real father, so what's the difference in her and him? They're two peas in a pod, so if you're going to have pictures made of the man and your son, so what if she's in the picture too.

Sorry!
D.

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I would let them have a photo of the 3 of them, Dad and son, You, Dad and son, and even of all 4 of you with son. Just because the photo was take doesn't mean you must order it. I would be happy if she wanted to hang a photo of all 3 of them in HER home. It would be nice in thought, because though she isn't raising him, she still cares.

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Well, though I understand your feelings, this is just one of those things that goes with the territory when there are blended families involved.
Your ex's new wife might think it's weird you want a photo of you, your son and your ex.
The photo studio will take a number of different poses. I say let her and your ex and son take some photos and they can pay for the ones they choose once the portraits are finished. You pay for the photos you want.
They're just pictures. Step mom being in a photo with your son doesn't change the fact that you are his mother. He certainly knows the difference.
Both of my parents remarried after their divorce and thankfully my folks didn't get upset about things like photos or spending holidays with someone who wasn't really our parent.

You want to hear about weird? My ex has two sons from his previous marriage. They are 20 and 18 years older than my son, but my son has always loved his brothers. The brothers' grandmother, who I also adored, was diagnosed with cancer and my husband's ex wife moved in with her to help her out. Grandmother wanted a family Thanksgiving so the older brothers traveled to see her as did my ex husband and son. My son wanted to see grandmother and his brothers.
To make a long story short, my son spent Thanksgiving with my ex husband and his FIRST wife. (They had been divorced 13 years when my husband and I married so they'd been divorced about 30 years at this point).
When there are divorces and remarriages and kids involved, sometimes you have to let things that in the long run aren't hurting anything go.
I can just about promise you that 10 years from now, you'll wonder why this upset you so much.

That's just my opinion.
Hang in there. Take and pay for the pictures you want, let them take and pay for the pictures they want.

Best wishes.

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Yeah I was with you until you wanted a picture of yourself, son and Father. If he is willing to do that and not gripe, I'd let them take a picture together. Not worth the arguing it will put your son through. He is just probably happy he will be in pictures with his dad.

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it's not a question of whether or not you can let them.....they are a family without you, regardless of how long it's been.

& the fact that you want a threesome photo is a little disturbing. Yes, you & the dad created this child.....but if you're not together.....that's a little ????

Peace!

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I only read 2 answers, but i agree 100% with KiKi.

I think its weirder that you want the 3 of you in a family picture. You are not a family. One day your son might ask, "why are you a family in the picture and not one now?" It will only confuse him. Separate pictures with your son and each of his parents are probably best. And if your ex wants to pay for one of him, new wife and son, that's his prerogative. Its the same thing as if they went to a park and took a snap shot of the 3 of them.

Yes, its wierd that they want a "family" picture, but you don't have to look at it. Its just a picture. You're his mama, and a picture doesn't threaten that :)

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I personally think it is great to have a picture of all three of you (for your son to have). I would also suggest one of each of you with him (separately). It is also reasonable to have your son with his dad and stepmom...as well as all four of you together....these don't all have to be formal pictures, they can be taken with your camera and copies for all those who are interested.

When my son had milestones, and we were all there, I always had pictures taken with me, him, and his dad; one with him and both his parents and step-parents, and even him and each "set" of parents (meaning me and my hubby and again with his dad and stepmom).

It's not about what you want but what is best for your son (and he can't get these pics later...his childhood is shorter than you think).

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I would never have a picture taken with my ex, that is just strange. Yes you are both his parents but you are not a family. You and your son are a family, if you are remarried add him and step sibs. Your ex, his wife and your son are a family as well. You may not like that but it is a fact.

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I'm late to the game, but as a step-mom, I really object to your statement.
I'm not my step-kids "mom" but I AM their parent. I am the one who took my step-daughter for supplies the first time she got her period. I'm the one who helped pay for college. I love them with all my heart, and it has enriched their lives and mine to be together. YES, when you marry a man, you DO become a parent to their kids. Any parent worth their salt should demand that of their spouse. If he and his wife are taking steps to make that a reality, embrace it. Kids can never have too much love in their lives, or too many people to take care of them. You should be glad she's reaching out. She can't replace you, but she can compliment you, and it is important that your son have a good relationship with ALL his caregivers, for his sake.

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Ok I know how weird and not right this situation has seemed, but there could be a lot of reasons why they would want this picture. May be just to have a picture to show later that there was a time we spent time together. Or not even for your son to have, maybe his dad wants a picture of two of his most important people in his life in this picture.
I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex and his girlfriend of 4 months took a family picture with my kids. My first and still lasting thought and feelings about it are. SOOO weird and who does this girl think she is. She hasnt been around my kids long enough to even be called a parent.....I will never understand woman who do things like this, but I do know Its silly and it only reflects what kind of person they are. Most people who saw the picture, told me that they thought the girl was crazy. Now they are married and really I dont feel like its right for me to get mad about it anymore. After all Im married and love having my husband in family photos. My advice, don't get over heated about it. Its a picture and its not going to hurt your son. I honestly think its for them to feel better about themselves. You know how much both have been in his life, so does everyone else. The picture isnt going to change that.Oh, and taking pictures with the three of you. I would never take a family pic, but I would want one of us if we were at something specail for are kids. Like Grad. or a winning of a sport of some sort. I dont see anything wrong with that.

I think that having son with individual parents, one with dad and one with you would be fine. If son wants one of him and his dad with step mom that's their business. She might be in his life for a very long time.

I don't think it's appropriate for you, ex, and son to have pictures made. That's just creepy.

If you have a say in it, I would not agree. She is not his mom, and he is barely his dad. I could see if they had him regularly for years how that would make more sense, but it doesn't. I would not agree. I would probably find it somewhat offensive too!

As for the three of you, I think that is a sweet idea. You ARE BOTH his parents (even if dad is hardly a father). I would set the photo up a little different than usual. Have you and dad be on opposites side of your son, so that you two are as far apart as possible (but not awkwardly done, for the photo's sake). But that is a sweet thing to do for your son. It's not like you're doing it for you. You are doing it for him. Let him have at least one photo of all three of you. I can see how it's a little odd, but again, you are BOTH his parents. Why not give him a photo where he gets to be in the same picture as both parents at the same time...

Edit: I read a few responses and thought I'd add my feelings from a child's point of view. Though I was a teenager when my parents divorced, so it might be a bit different. I did not like my step-dad. I despised him. I would not have wanted to be in a photo of him. We did have some group ones when he married my mom, but I had no fond feelings for him (and I'm not a mean person...he was MEAN! He was the evil step-father from my view!). I would have muchly preferred a photo with MY actual parents. He was not my father, and I was not interested in him pretending to be so. He was married to my mom and was HER husband...not my dad.

Don't confuse your son and get a picture with his father. That will put false hope into his mind that you may be getting back together. I would get a pic taken with just the two of you and he should have a pic with just his dad. Stepmom doesn't need to be involved at all. This should be just for you, your son and your ex. GL!

M

Hi I have a 4 year old daughter and I no how you feel. I actually don't see a problem with you and your son and his dad taking a picture you guys are his biological parents. I think it would be nice for your son to have later on. As for dad and his new wife wanting a picture of all three of them together..I would never agree to anything like this when it comes to my little one..even though she is his new wife that doesn't make her his mother..Expecially since there haven't been around much. That's just how I feel.

I can totally understand how you feel. It would probably mean the world to your son to have a picture with his parents. I dont think thats weird at all, if your thinking about your son. I wouldnt want him to have a picture with his "stepmom" either. It totally takes the intentions you had for your son, and craps on it.

My step son just graduating from High School this past May. I requested a picture of his dad and mom with him in a picture. We have a family picture with him and all the kids together, and one with all of us, his mom, dad, all the kids and me.

You have to accept this woman is his step mom and by marrying his dad, yes, it makes her one. I do understand wanting to have a family picture for your son, where he came from.

Take a deep breath, and let it go...