I've had issues with my family for years. (Some of it is documented here.) They have been slowly and steadily distancing themselves from me, or at least that's how I feel. I used to talk to my sisters regularly and it slowly got to be less and less, until now, where it seems like they don't want to talk to me when I call, or have anything to do with me.
I saw my family in August when I flew to SC for my youngest sister's graduation. My older little was pregnant and everyone was talking about the birth and so on. My pregnant sister told my mom and younger sister that when she went into labor that she would call them so they could start the 10 hour drive to get the hospital. She got up to go to the bathroom. Her husband looked at me and said he would text me and let me know they were in labor. I said ok and that I was hoping to come out to see my first little niece or nephew. He said yeah, he was excited to have all the family out there.
I come home and get everything in line (save the money) so that when I get the phone call, I can cash in my miles pay the fee, and fly out to VA for the birth of the baby. In the middle of October, I was talking to my pregnant sister and she was talking about how excited she was about seeing the baby. I told her I was too. She seemed hesitant, so I asked if she wanted me out there. She changed the subject. I told her, at the end of the convo that if she needed or wanted me out there, to let me know and I would be there. (I also told her that I was ready to leave whenever I got the call)
Tuesday I log into Facebook and I see that my BIL's sister posted that my sister was at the hospital and in labor. I texted my mom and she said yes, she was in labor and they were on their way. I texted my brother-in-law, said congrats and asked again if they wanted me out there. He said he'd let me know.
Well, my sister gave birth this morning. (I'm an auntie!! I just love saying that!) Despite being so happy and excited about being an auntie, I feel slighted and completely left out. I was the last to know anything (mainly because I was the only one not there.) My mom called and let me know that she had been born, gave me her stats, and then told me her name. She was named after my youngest (not the mother of the baby) sister.
So here's my question: What can I do to repair my relationship? My sisters feel like I abandoned them when I got married. They blame me for leaving. I can't change that. I'm 11 and 13 years older than them. I fear there is no repairing this. If there isn't, how do I get over the hurt feelings of my family shunning me?
No one in my family knows that I'm hurt. (Hubby is the only one who knows.) I don't want to do anything to take attention away from my beautiful little niece.
My family is passive aggressive. I've tried so hard not to be like this. I've told my BIL that I'm sending a care package and that I had planned on coming out but my sister didn't seem to want me there. He just chuckled and said "You know how they are." I do. I know that if I go out there, my mother and sister are going to tell my other sister that I'm there pushing in on their celebration...and heaven forbid if I say I need to go rest because my fibro and lupus are killing me! Then I'm trying to make it all about me. If I don't go, then it's going to be that I don't really care about any of them.
I keep posting on every picture and post on Facebook about how I'm so happy for them and how gorgeous the baby is (which she is, hehe!) and how they did such an amazing job. I just wish that they would cut me some slack and realize that I'm trying to be what they (my sisters and mother) need me to be.
On a side note: My mother is very much involved in all of this. She has told me on numerous occasions that she is jealous of me. My husband and I own our home. We drive nice vehicles. We have invested our money wisely and saved (sometimes at the expense of having what we want) and as such, we're better off than anyone else in my family. (I'm not trying to be snooty, I'm just stating a fact.) She's told me she's jealous of that.
Also, it should be mentioned, we have a brother. My entire family has the same relationship with him that they do with me...except it's worse for him. (He doesn't even talk to me anymore.) My sister, the one who just gave birth, attempted to punch him in the face at my other sister's high school graduation. She missed and punched my sister in the nose, and all hell broke out with my brother leaving and not seeing any of them since then. That was 3 years ago.
Get on the plane and go visit! If you are accurately laying this out there what is happening is I want you here but I don't want to ask because I don't think you want to be around me.
Otherwise known as prove you love me.
So fly out there and surprise them, show you love them and want to be there without being asked. You know they had a baby so why do they have to ask, just go!
Siblings grow apart sometimes.
It's not anyone's fault.
I think when people marry they should consider that they are combining cuttings taken from the husbands and wifes families and beginning their own growth as a new family unit.
The old connections are still there for awhile but are not as important as time goes on.
As for the birth of your niece, send a card/gift but stay away unless they specifically ask you to come.
I don't know why your sister does not feel close to you but try not to pursue her.
It will just fuel what ever fire she's got simmering on her back burner.
Ultimately it's her loss.
You can use your saved up money and miles for a different trip - a fun vacation for your immediate family.
Send the others a cheery post card when you do!
i agree with Jo fly out there! If theres not any hidden drama or huge resentment other than this you have no excuse fo not flying out. how is your relationship with your mom? isnt she encouraging you to come so she can see you too?
I think there is more to this than you getting married. Just having your side does not give enough information to figure it out. There is something you are doing or saying when you are with them to irritate or alienate. I would recommend seeing a counselor and they maybe could get to the bottom of what is going on. Also reading Fierce Conversations or listening to it on audio helped me alot with actually listening and talking to others. It is a business book but has good guidelines for learning to really listen to others instead of projecting our own agenda on situations. There are just certain people that when you add them to the mix they are competitive or have a certain energy that causes things to be stressful and someone with a new baby does not need that.
Oh and after reading the comment about the punching in the face at the graduation I am more sure some counseling would be helpful.
Also back off. All the commenting on facebook and texting and calling just makes you sound needy. They know you feel hurt. It is no secret.
Well, my mom is 14 years older than her youngest sisters. They have usually been at odds with each other, but only recently they are starting to become really good friends. She just had to constantly reach out to that part of the family and let them know she cared. She does that by facebooking with them very regularly, texting them silly jokes or just starting conversations, asking how they are... Now she has been out to visit multiple times and they get along great now, but of course the sister has never come out to visit my mom. It sounds like you are doing that, and it doesn't make much since that they felt abandoned by you for getting married, obviously I don't know of any back story.
Honestly, I would do a very sincere, heartfelt letter/email/phone call... ask them to please forgive anything you have done to offend them, that you truly want to repair your relationship and be close to them, that you haven't meant to make them feel like you don't care. That even thoguh you live far away, that you still want to be close and that you are ready to come down to visit. Really let them know you want to have a fresh, new start and beginning with them, to forget the past and start where you are... especially now that you have a niece it just breaks your heart that you aren't wanted to see this new baby that you already love so dearly.
If it's anything like my passive agressive family, you purposely weren't told/asked to come, and they'll bash you all day long for not having come out anyway. "Well that just goes to show that she really doesn't care. I know she said to let her know if I need her help, but frankly i shouldn't have to ask!"
I refer to this as a no-win situation. If you do go, be prepared to see her for a very very limited time. And use that time to be over-the-top gushing all about her & the baby time. And make sure your mom sees this. She's likely the 'conductor' of a lot of this drama.
If you decide not to go, I'd spend a lot of that money you saved up on some extravagent gifts for mom and the baby. I know you can't buy love, but some people who tend to be passive aggressive tend to be more receptive to this. A physical showing of your exicitement will go a long way.
If you think the reason you were not included is that she thinks you don't love her enough (since you got married and moved away from them), then flying out there would prove you care. But it has to be all about HER being the center of everything, and you gushing about the baby.
If you think the reason is that she doesn't want you there and they feel antagonistic, then showing up on the doorstep of an exhausted, hormonal woman with a newborn is going to feel like an intrusion. It will make it all about YOU wanting to be included and not about what SHE wants and needs. That could be a disaster.
I think it's interesting and worth pursuing that your mother is part of this effort to exclude you. SHE didn't take it upon herself to inform one daughter of another daughter's labor, but she and your other sister were packed and on their way. I'd start talking to HER (unless she's part of the problem) and get some insight, and I'd think about working with the other sister, saying you know it's not the time to involve the new mom right now but that you want to. You need to repair the relationship with each sister. Yet you say you fear there is no repairing it.
I think getting some counseling might help you clarify some feelings and get some perspective from a neutral observer.
For now I would send a gift to both your sister and the baby. Something the baby can use right now, and something for down the road so your thoughtfulness is brought into view over time. And something to pamper your sister.
I wouldn't go. At least not right now. If she is uncomfortable with you, she won't be any less thrilled by having you there. I would however call her up and send her a huge basket of love for her, baby and hubby. The basket would have tons of great stuff (Burt's Bees products for mom and baby, larger diapers, fun books, etc.) and a personal note of congrats, love and well wishes.
It takes two to have a relationship. Be more loving, not on your terms but on theirs meaning - try to give them the love they need not what you just want to give. Be available but smother them with your need to fix this. Show them you love them by sending notes of you are thinking of them. Send them a gift here and there doesn't have to be something big or expensive but should be something that will touch their hearts.
You get over your hurt feelings by realizing this isn't about you. Think about them and how they may be feeling and let them know you understand or what you understand. Apologize for your part in their hurt feelings. Be authentic, transparent and real with them while being loving with them. Perhaps soon you all can talk about the past and put it to rest or you may discover this has very little to do with the past and everything to do with the here and now. Listen more, love them more and stop thinking this is all about you because it probably isn't at all. Love them where they are and show them that kind of love on their terms and watch the change in you first and then perhaps in them or not but the change in you will prepare you for a different kind of future with your sisters.
I am sorry it seems your sisters are limited in their abilities to include you. I don't know if I would call it shunning you. Maturity or their lack of it has some to do with this.
Your age difference makes a difference also.
I moved several states away when I married and it puts a strain on relationships if you are not there day to day.
You can accept all these reasons or you can ask for clarity from your sisters. It might be they can't voice the reason but your mom may have some insight on it.
I tried to read back to a post about your relationship issues but I couldn't get back to a question about it. I think that's because you live a pretty full life! My church family and my friends have pretty much been my family for the 25 years I have been married. The good thing about that is you get to CHOOSE your friends. They will be the solice for your hurt feelings. I am sure you can get in on some auntie action in the future and maybe be the favorite aunt who gives the gifts and advise and no disapline! Your sisters will be maturing all along this journey and I bet they will appreciate you, and the choices you had to make, better in the future.
I have a strained relationship with 2 of my 3 brothers. And at times, it has been different brothers. I'm the one who left for college, moved out of state for the first 5 years of my marriage, moved back home when mom was sick (which caused even more issues), moved out of state for another 6 years, and am now back "home" (although 2 hours from them--by choice).
I don't have the same things in common with my brothers or their wives. I live life and parent differently. I'm the odd ball. I'm good with that.
What I've learned to do is keep things on my terms. I visit the family members that I am closest with and when it feels like it's getting too much, we pull back a little and become too busy to visit. With the other ones, I still send bday gifts for the nieces and nephews, say happy bday over the phone and even on FB to the one I can't stand.
I still show that I care (because I do) but keep things comfortable for us.
My advice about the new baby? Option 1. Send a gift to the baby and your sister. Simply congratulate them. Option 2. Fly out there, stay at a hotel, visit for short bit, give a gift, and leave. Don't discuss ANYTHING about what you feel is going on. THat makes it look like you are trying to make the situation about YOU and not the baby. Not the time or place.
It also sounds like your mom is "in on this." She would be the only person I would confide in and talk about this.....unless she is not a healthy person and it would make it worse. If she is unhealthy, that is probably the root of the issue....really.
Keep an emotional distance, but show support and love. It just may take time. If it doesn't work out over time, you have at least distanced yourself with healthier boundaries.
Best of luck to you!
Yep I agree fly out and congtratulate her in person lavish love your your new niece and ask them point blank....what's the issue and you desperately want to resolve any hurt feelings...move past the differences and be a family. If they don't desire that then its on them...I know hurtful but do your part and see what happens. God Bless.
Oh my gosh... Sorry to hear about your family...
I know how you feel,but i think you should just keep doing/showing you care an such, even if they act like they dont care for you there. Cuz in the end they'll realize you've tryd to be there even if they alienated you.
My family tries hard to keep intouch with me even though I moved away 5years ago with no noticed and no contact for 2yrs. Mainly My Brother we talk mostly everyday and i sent photos of my kids to him an bday card to him every yr. Just keep tring after all they are Family and only you know how they are. :-) Take Care!!! An Congrats on being an Aunt!!! :-D
Okay, either your sisters are still very childish or there's something more to this.
Could it just be that the age difference between you is the real problem? Not so much that you left then when you got married, but for many years I can imagine you didn't have much in common. Say like when they were in their teens and you were well into your 20's - not much in common.
I think you should just tell them how you feel and why you think they shun you and see what they have to say.
