Family Issues - El Sobrante,CA

HI J.,
Wow, I'm really surprised by some of the responses you've gotten so far. After reading just one paragraph about your situation I don't think I'm qualified to say "leave him."
I do know firsthand that a second marriage with kids involved is a really REALLY difficult thing to adjust to for all the people involved. And the kids you are talking about are at a really difficult age, not to mention you say you're the mom of 4 wonderful kids. What is the situation with the others children? Divorce is a trauma for everyone involved, whether it's between your biological parents or not.
If you do leave this marriage, and do it in a fit of anger and frustration, don't fool yourself into thinking "it's over." You'll be working on this relationship, and so will your kids, long after the man is gone. You owe it to yourself and to the children to deal with your frustration as an adult, stay in the room, and try to get to an honest place with your husband. Work on the idea of counseling. Maybe he doesn't jump to it right away, but you can start going yourself and it will help no matter the outcome. My husband and I go to counseling periodically and have done so since our engagement. We try to use it to help us make big decisions with 100% communication.
My counselor's mantra: Show up, pay attention, tell the truth, and don't be afraid of the consequence.
I wish you peace and happiness.
A.

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There are legitimate reasons for all the behaviour and it's all fixable... if the participants want it fixed. For my situation the fact that my husband didnt care that I was hurting was worse than the actual stuff. And it got worse and worse till I had to leave. All the kids (his and ours) were being shown disrespectful behaviour that they (his, the big kids) began using on me too and teaching the little kids thats how families are. Not my family, I said bye bye. Better luck to you, feel free to write back there's nothing more hurtful and frustrating than what you're going thru!!

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J.,
It sounds as though he is not listening to you. My mom started treating our step sister the way we were treated by our step dad, and he did not like it. That was when he realized what was wrong with the picture. Like we would do family gardening, but she would not have to help...that changed real quick. Or he would buy her a treat, and we would get nothing....that also changed real quick. Do you have a video camera? Maybe you should set it up to record things, and cover the light, then maybe he will be more prone to realizing how rediculous all of this is.
W. M.

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Start going to counseling without him. If he doesn't get on the band wagon and engage, then he has to go. Time for him to man up, and stop giving lip service.

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First of all, your profile says you are married to a wonderful man. I don't think so! I too have a teenage son, and am not married to his father. I would never tolerate disrespectful behavior toward my son. Nor would I tolerate my son's disrespectful behavior to my husband. You don't mention how your son reacts to your husband, so I won't make any speculations.

As for your step daughter, she clearly has abandonment issues. Probably fueled by her mother who most likely is still bitter about the split. Nevertheless, it your husband's (not yours) responsibility to stop the behavior. There is nothing you or your husband can do about the ex-wife talking trash about you. He should however explain to his daughter that talking like that about you is not acceptable in your house, and he will not discuss that with her.

You both need to realize that at your children's age neither of you can appropriately parent the others children. All you can be is an advising adult, but you need to let the blood parent set down the guidelines. My husband does not discipline my son. He does give ME his 2 cents and I take it under advisement. He is often right, by the way and I do take his advise. But, that advise is translated to my son by me... I am the parent.

You are into this marriage less than a year. Surely these things were going on before you tied the knot. If you really want this marriage to work you all need to see a therapist. If you husband is totally against therapy as you suggest in your post, then I think you have your answer as to where your priority is in his life.

Good luck to you.

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Wow. It doesn't sound good. I wouldn't have as much of a problem with the way he treats his daughter - except for the part about divulging personal information - but the way he treats your son is inexcusable.

Have you created any children between the two of you? If not, it may be a good time to get out of the marriage.

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Hi J., I can hear the hurt in your voice, however, it is perfectly normal for a 12 year old girl to still sit in her dad's lap. 12 year old girls are still girls and want their daddies. I have two girls and am surrounded by their girlfriends and nieces. They stop sitting in their dad's lap around 14 or when they are physically too big. They also need their fathers more than ever at this time of transition because society places so much pressure on young girls (ie 12 year olds) to become instant women. If you were to attend parent nights at the local schools regarding raising girls, the speakers (trained social workers and psychologists) that this period is crucial between girls and their fathers. Girls pattern choosing their own mates on the behavior of their fathers. Your husband is doing the right thing of not pushing her away and showing her that physical love is more than sex between a man and woman.
Sharing very personal info with her is another story. What kind of personal info does he share with her. Kids these days have a very different window on the world than we did. If he is educating her so that she can find a way to wade through the morass of constant media (sexual, violent, abusive) against our girls, he is doing a good thing. It may really help you both for your own self as a female and in understanding your stepdaughter by reading the book "Reviving Ophelia".

In terms of your son, I wonder why you think they need to be treated the same. Boys and girls are very different. Their brains are completely different. If your husband won't go to counseling with you, go yourself. Many counselors say that couples need individual counseling first before coming to the table together. If it helps you, it will help all of you. I can tell you need help with these issues and deserve to get the help you need. It shows that you care.

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I am so sorry to hear you are going thru something similar to what I went thru. My husband and I married 5 years ago. His daughter was 13 and my son 5. At the time he had custody of her as her mother had abandoned her and left him 3 years prior to our getting together. When she found out he got married, she sued for joint custody. Needless to say, the courts in CA didn't care that she left her daughter and had little to no contact with her. They gave her everything she asked for. My husband and I decided to move to Wyoming and his daughter decided that she wanted to live with her mother. For the record, I always encouraged a relationship with her mom. I also let her know that I was not her mother and would never try to take that place as she had a mother. Before she went to live with her mother, we had a pretty good relationship. Now we have nothing. Long story short...when she came for her weekend visits, she basically ran my house. Her father allowed her to do what she wanted when she wanted. My son was like chop liver whenever she came around. Our two summers that she spent half the time here and half time with her mother, she made our (my son and I) lives miserable. I finally got it thru my husbands head that she was spying for her mother and that he needed to quit telling her our personal and financial information, that had nothing to do with her. Finally after a nasty phone call from his ex, he realized what was going on. He quit telling her what was going on persaonally and financially. I wish I could give you the answers. I understand and know how hard it is to deal with a step daughter and her mother. You need to let him know that if it don't change then you will have to make a decision that you don't want to make. It sounds like you love him very much, but you need to keep in mind that your son is important and what is this doing to him. Thankfully my problem resolved itself as she is 18 now. The sad part about that, is she was convinced by her mother that her father never did anything for her or helped pay for anything (mind you, he had to pay child support every month even though his ex made more money), and she now has nothing at all to do with him. If he truely loves you he will listen to what you are saying. I know we had many fights over her. Hang in there and don't budge at all on what you believe. He needs to be made to realize how in appropriate her behavior is and that he needs to stop it now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man showing affection to his daughter, like a hug and a kiss once in a while, but not the affection that she is wanting like sitting on his lap and hanging all over daddy. I don't know if I helped at all. There is hope if he truly loves you and wants to be with you. He should cherish you and he should realize the jewel he has in having a son. Let me know how it goes. I will be praying for you, your son and your husband and the situation. Hang in there.
M.

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J.,

Have you tried spending time with your stepdaughter alone? Trying to establish a good relationship with her? Maybe she is acting out this way because she feels threatened by your relationship with her father. In turn your husband doesn't know how to handle her behavior and takes it out on your son by restricting his priviledges etc. I would try to become closer with her and also speak to your husband about your concerns. Lay it all out- the best policy is honesty. Tell him you feel like he doesn't treat them the same and that you need him to be consistent with the rules- if he is going to allow your stepdaughter to do something, he needs to make it ok for your son to do it as well. Parenting should be consistent-regardless if they are your stepkids, or biological.

As far as the mother talking badly about you, you can't do anything about her. The only thing you can do is chose the high road and show your kids the right way and not talk about her in a negative light-only positive. or if there is nothing positive to say about her, don't talk about her at all.

I hope this helps- hang in there!!

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g a stepparent is reall really challenging! Hang in there. You cannot do anything about the mom talkin trash, but show the kids respect and do not talk badly about her in front the kids. They will remember when they are older. Maybe calmly tell your husband she is a little old for this behavior. It sounds like see if competing with you for his attention. Dads can be very clueless about their little girls. LOL Also, point out when he is disrespectful to your son. You don't want your son growing up disliking him. Good luck!

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I did the same thing when I was her age and I think the reason my mom and I have such a great relationship now is because she was just that-my mom. This relationship with my dad never bothered her. I think girls need more attention and it is very important for them to have a special bond with their dad as they head into the "tween-age" years. This will help her to make the right choices and when in doubt-come to her father or family for advice. I think with the probably recent changes in her life she is looking for something to grab on to. All you can do is make sure that he does not allow the trash talking even though he may not be able to stop it and that he lets both children know what a wonderful mom and person you are. The kids don't need to be pulled in any direction and he should mention this to her mother but probably does not want to do anything to make her angry. He has to make a point to bond and build a relationship with your son as well. He does not need to push or force anything but needs to naturally try to build a foundation for you and your family unit. Couseling at this stage would be good because he will hear you and your concerns and may be a little more understanding. Good Luck and blessings to you and your new family. It takes work, but it can be done!

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Do you have any kids with your husband? If not, I'd just get out of this situation. If so... then go to marriage counseling by yourself, if your husband won't go. Maybe you can offer counseling to your son, too. It's not ok to treat the two kids differently. I can understand that your husband is close to his daughter, but he should be trying to reach out to your son as well. It seems like your husband is not thinking of this marriage as long-term if he's not trying to develop a good relationship with your son, and/or trying to push you away like this. I hope you can get this worked out somehow! Please let us know how it goes.

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Hi J.,

First I see the main issue being that you don't feel like a solid unit with your husband about decisions and how to raise the step children. This is the part that needs to be addressed first. I fight for the same things and my fiance and I share 1 child but being a TEAM and deciding things together is important to me and it seems the same for you two.
Second, No one will ever love a step child like their own. I know this, i feel this from my step parents and I've seen this with my friends who have both their children and step children. A man will never love a child the same as his own blood. You can't force that to happen. You are asking him to treat your child as an equal to his yet you say you are almost not wanting "his" daughter to come visit. I was very very very close to my dad and had a very hard time with my parents being divorced when i was young and into my teens but eventually when i was in my 20's it made perfect sense. THEY WERE NOTHING ALIKE and thank goodness they weren't together. His daughter is probably having a really hard time with not seeing the very person she adores more than anything very often. A little girl loves her daddy more than her mom during these years. I think if she's just visiting laying down some boundaries are important but it's not her fault, its her dads for not setting things straight.
Third, No matter who you marry if they have kids this is always going to be a battle so divorce isn't necessarily the answer. It takes a lot of work!!! You two just need to communicate when not really upset with each other. Do not draw a wedge between your husband and his child becuase you will lose the battle. As I am sure you can understand if someone made you chose between them and your children you'd have to pick your children, I"D HOPE!
I hope this helps...everyone is hurting TRUST ME! He's hurting he doesn't see his own child often enough, you are hurting that when she's hear you feel all chaos breaks out, your son thinks this is unfair so he's hurting and your husband's daughter is hurting becuase she barely see's her daddy! Yes she'll call him daddy becuase it brings her back to when things were ok...he was at home when she was young as HER DADDY! :( ughh! Sorry you are going through this, its very common.

Feel free to email me if you want anymore insight on the child's version. I was in a lot of pain as a teen becuase i just didn't understand it all! :(

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I would really think about what this is doing to your son. Personal experience on this matter (I was the stepdaughter my stepfather hated), will assure you that nothing good will come of a situation like this. Your son will most likely have tons of issues, and it sounds like you are not being treated fairly either. I'm really sorry that this is happening to your family, but I think the best thing to do for your child is leave that man.

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You havent been married a year yet and you are already having big issues raising the children. Were you exposed to his daughter prior to marrying him? You have to realize too that a 12 yr old and a 14 yr old do not take well to their parents getting divorced and leaving their custodial parent to pick up the pieces. It's very traumatic for them.
Your stepdaughter may seem "clingy" to your husband, but that's usually the way daughters and dads are. She doesnt live with you full time so he probably tries to relish the moments he has with her as she does him. Your son obviously lives with you fulltime and that is probably why the rules are different for him. I would imagine that your son has animosities about this new man in your life and probably wont treat him with the respect that he would treat his real dad. Your husband is probably trying to lay ground rules for him to help him become a good man some day but you are seeing it through a different filter. You may be experiencing a little bit of envy towards the relationship he has with his daughter. Are the other two kids yours or his? I assume they are younger and so you arent having the same problems with them. The two older kids would probably do good in some family counseling with the two of you. Raising a step family takes quite a bit of maturity. 12 and 14 are still very young, yet they think they know everything, and usually become very rebellious at that age even in the "normal" family unit where both parents are together. Raising tween/teenagers is always a task. Keep in mind that the Brady Bunch was a scripted show and real life is no where close to what they tried to portray.
You both need to be mature parents and keep in mind that the children are all different and all have different needs. Your job is to meet their needs, squash their insecurites, and let them feel that your home is a safe place to be where they feel loved and special.

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You should go to therapy or join a step parent support group. The Berkeley Parents network has groups gathering now. Your situation isn’t easy but you need to be the adult and make your family a true blended family that it is. He needs to be a participant in the discipline arena and may be allowing the behavior out of guilt.

Your post made me really upset. I come from a family where both my parents split up and remarried. I gained step sisters on both sides. I was always extremely close with my father and craved his attention because I missed him when I was at my Mom’s house. Their relationship does not sound unlike mine with my father. You should be happy that he has a close relationship with her and let that flourish, especially at her age when she needs that security the most.

My step mom felt the same way you did and it was very apparent. I was never able to get close to her because of her resentment towards me. She was always jealous and that just continues into a bad cycle. You will never gain an edge in the family if you constantly battle this situation. The daughter probably talks with her Mom about this too and may be part of the reason of her bad talking. She shouldn’t do this, but it is probably very emotional for her to know you are not accepting of her daughter. Maybe she is just being protective.

In my situation now….my Dad has divorced my step mom and is now with a wonderful lady who seemly loves me. She doesn’t get jealous of my relationship with my dad; she just joins in for the fun.

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My heart goes out to you. Blended families are very difficult. My husband has two sons; I have one daughter. The only thing we ever fight about are those kids, and they are grown-ups! I can imagine how difficult it must be with your son still living in the home. I do have to say that it sounds like you're a little jealous of your step-daughter's relationship with her father. You said you don't really want her to visit, so that means she doesn't live with you. She only sees her father occasionally, as opposed to daily. I think maybe she's trying to soak up as much of dad as possible and I think you have to put your feelings about it aside and let her have that relationship with her father. I do understand what you're saying about him telling her things she doesn't need to know. My daughter does that with my grandson - tells him things I don't think a 12 year old boy needs to know. I've tried to talk to her about it, but it hasn't changed so I don't know what you can do about that. I would, though, take control of my own son and if you see your husband telling him he can't do something you know his daughter will be doing, then I would either override him or when the daughter comes for a visit, I would put my foot down about not letting her do something he wouldn't let your son do. It's very difficult and my heart goes out to you. Don't give up yet, it does take time to work this stuff out.

Step back and try to understand where the step-daughter is coming from. She is a child trying to find her place in this family you and her daddy created. She did not choose the situation. She wants her family back. Every child desires the security of their own mommy and daddy staying together and loving them. She is trying to make sense of this situation. You can not expect your son and her to be treated the same. You are not her mother nor is your husband your son's daddy. I am not in your shoes but I was a child living in your situation and it is soooo hard. Try to spend time with her and ask her how she would like your relationship to be. Let her know you don't want to be her mom because she has a mom. Put the step mom title aside...she has a mom. Find out what she would like your relationship to be. Right now she is competing with you, and her daddy is in the middle and probably feeling guilty for the situation his girl is in. You mention you are rethinking whether it was a good decision to get married...hmmm. It has got to be a struggle and stress everyday...I am sorry. Keep the communication open. If he is not open to counseling then how about you and your son/children go to counseling?? You will be given tools to help your family dynamics or how to cope with step family issues. Good luck!!

Hi J.,

This is coming from a child who was a victim of this type of treatement myself. I am 25 yrs old. I never knew my biological father, the only father i know is my dad, which is my sister's ( we are 3 yrs apart) father. my two brothers ( a twin and oldest is 2 yrs older) and I have the same parents.My sister was born when my mom and us were a family with him, so it's not like he had my sister, then we all became a family after. With that said: I grew up along with my older brother with my dad treating my sister different from us ( Deliberately)..and let me tell you it had a huge impact on us and still does. He would mistreat us and punish us for things my sister did. She was and still is really spoiled. In his eyes, she could never do anything wrong. I remeber as a kid, her kicking me and then I kicked her back, but i got in trouble for it, or we would be in the store and he would buy my sister some chips or candy and wouldn't get me nothing, or my brother or I would bring our clothes down first to be washed, but he washed ours last or when he felt like it, and would GO HIMSELF and collect my sisters clothes and wash it. When he was mad at me and my brother in High school ( always found something to pick on us about) he would just pick my sister up and drive off and leave me and my brother at school until 8pm when my mom got off work all because he was mad. And to let u know, we lived across the east bay at the time and our school was in the pennisula. He treated us so bad, and just things like that. This can go on and on of all the things I had to endure in my child hood of being mistreated emotionally and verbally. Being put down and yelled at daily. From the moment we woke up at 5am getting ready for school, by the time we got to school, we were emotionally drained from the drama, he was so negative. And us seeing how he treated our sister different from us brough so much pain you can only imagine. My mom and everyone in the family saw it. Why my mom stayed with him, still to this day I dont know, and at times, I still feel hurt from that to her. She would come up with an excuse saying that he was treated like that and doesn't know any better, but i felt like he is grown now, can know right from wrong and should remember how he was treated and remember how he felt, so why do it to us. Basically, i felt like there is and was no justification for it.

My sister and I never got along growing up because of that. I felt like she was doing it on purpose when it was convient to her. Now that I am a young adult, we are slowly trying to repair the damages from this. My dad is still in denial that he ever treated us different to this day. It hurt so bad, and still does, This is something that i am struggling to get over and come to peace with still to this day.

My suggestion to you is, STOP THIS BEFORE IT's TOO LATE FOR YOUR CHILD. If he can't love your son and treat him right, then how can he love you. Now I know there are alot of older moms out here and older ppl period with more wisdom than I with my young mind, but I am only telling you from my own personal experience from a child's point of view. I would hate to see your son hate you for this. He won't forget this. Trust me and it will or can affect the rest of his life. Im not saying Leave him if that's not what you want to do, but a serious talk and ultimatum needs to be presented, parent counselling possibly as well, this is very serious. I dont think you have to leave your husband to solve the problem as long as he is willing to change. You both have to be on the same page, communicate and be fare about it. He needs to see how is treating the children differently. Maybe you all should go to counselling. The daughter seems to have some emotional problems, probally having a hard time trying to adapt to the new situation. You can't really blame the child. She prob isn't getting the right love and care from her mother, so she is turning to her father for the attention. But he needs to show the same attention to your son as well. You seem like a very good mother, i dont want you to think that your not. I know you love your child (s) and your husband. I just highly recommend that some immediate changes happen, because it might fire back on you later, from your son or just yourself feeling guilty on allowing this to happen. This is not healthy for the entire Family. You guys can fix it now before it gets real out of hand as the children get older and there is resentment.

As far as the mother of the step daughter is concerned. Your husband needs to speak with her and nip that in the butt about being disrespectful, she is teaching her daughter to disprect you, your son and adults period by acting that way.The Mother is ignorant and acting very immature. My prayers are with you and your family. I hope that I was some help to you. Sorry for such a long post, but this hit really close to home and had to share.

Again, I am a youngster myself ( just turned 25) but like I said this is coming from first hand experience.

God Bless you and Please keep me posted and if you would like to talk, you may always contact me any time.

God Bless,
C.

It sounds like your step-daughter is having some serious emotional problems, and instead of being angry with her, you need to get her some help, because her mother sounds like an idiot. Counseling for her would probably be more effective than marriage counseling (and, frankly, you don't sound too committed to the marriage anyway.) The poor little girl is clearly jealous and upset, but she's twelve years old, and you're not. Try to have a little compassion for the child!

Also, if you separate the two problems (one, your step daughter is having a hard time; two, her mother talks trash about you and your son) you will be able to see them more clearly. If you invest your energy in solving the first problem, the second will become less important. Why do you care if the ex-wife talks trash, and what could your husband to do about it, anyway?