25 answers

Family gathering...shouldn't Be Suprised That Our Schedule Doesn't Matter

Hello ladies,
I'm very annoyed...though I know i shouldn't be suprised. My husband's family does our Christmas get-together at the local Holiday Inn. We've done this for about 5 years now. We go and stay the night, bring snacks and let the kids swim in the pool while the adults relax and have social time. It's great because we can get together without the hassle of cooking/cleaning etc. We started doing this because my family and my bil's family live out of town. We spend Christmas with our out of town families, since we see the hubbies family all the time (they have three kids and we all live close).

This year I was told by my MIL that the date would be on 12/3 because the favorite daughter's husband is off work and that's the only weekend they could go. I had absolutely no input or say so in the selection of the date. I am actually going to Fl that weekend, so I said that date would not work for us...what are the options. I was told again that the only date that would work would be that weekend. Sooooooo its ok that I can't make it, but as long as the favored daughter (long story but i'm not kidding) is happy it's OK? I tried to work for a compromise...that's so early is there any time right AFTER Christmas that we could do it? That idea was pretty much shot down and ignored. Personally I'd rather do it after than SOOOOO early, but again I got to put no input into the date. I'm annoyed that I don't seem to matter, and honestly if it were just me missing it, I'd let it go, but the other daughter's husband can't make that weekend either. So two people missing it is ok, as long as the other (favorite) can make it. Also, my husband works for a city...he will be on call and have to go into work if it happens to snow. That will leave my kids without a parent there. That's simply not acceptable. My kids don't get to spend lots of time w their cousins, so i really hate to miss out on this.

Really, I'm willing to work on a compromise, but how can I when I'm not even consulted and all my ideas are ignored. I don't think I'm being unreasonable!! I'm so annoyed, don't know what to do at this pont.
What would you suggest?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks for the responses.

EDIT: I know it shouldn't but...one of the reasons that this ticks me off soooo much...my husband DID get called in a few years ago. The forecast was clearly calling for snow. I didn't throw a fit and want everyone to change their plans, though it was much harder on me w a small baby and two other kids. No time to relax!!! My husband missed out on 80% of the festivities...and didn't get more than 3 hours sleep before going on a 12 hour shift...I think that affected how I look at it too.

I am going to FL w a dear friend...a trip we've been trying to plan for two years now! Can't change it now..tickets bought and schedules set! No way I should have to change it! I have plenty of issues w my hubby's family, though usually we can come to an agreement or compromise. They aren't ALWAYS horrible...they certainly have their moments (don't we all) It is just mind-boggling how the schedules of some people mattered and we were basically left to "deal". I'm just going to give them dates we can make it, if not too bad maybe next year. I've already spoken to the other sister about getting together with just our families if it doesn't work out!
Thanks for the suggestions!!

Featured Answers

I get the feeling this goes a lot deeper than a date on the calendar.

I wish I could offer advice but it appears no one is budging.

5 moms found this helpful

I would just not have the family go...period. This date doesn't work for you. If they don't care, then they just won't see you...

3 moms found this helpful

We have the same problem my kids,nieces/nephew are married and my side of the family have a hard time getting everyone together b/c they have to visit the other spouse's family. What we did this year is that we picked a date in the middle of the year to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. This way we can spend time together and don't have to worry if the weather is bad we don't have to travel in the snow/ice.

More Answers

You do have INPUT, give your husband's mother your REGRETS this year. For once, put your foot down and make your OWN holiday plans. Invite the family and friends you wish to invite.....START your own holiday traditions and thank your husband's mother for changing the date this year.

If you can't do it in person or personal call (which you should do), send a nice note.

Blessings......

9 moms found this helpful

You are being unreasonable. You just aren't being considered.

You cannot control another person so don't try. Tell them your family will be unable to make that date. Period. Your husband is on call and you are out of state so the whole family will be missing.

Their loss. There comes a point when compromise isn't an option and really - don't even try - just let tell them how it is and let the chips fall where they may. They may think you are being rude and mean - when in reality - you are not...they just have no consideration for anyone other than the favorite.

7 moms found this helpful

I would be annoyed also, but what are you gonna do? If they won't consider changing the date, can you change your plans? If not, I guess your family doesn't get to go.

7 moms found this helpful

To be honest, I think I'd let them be without your family. Maybe they would miss you guys.

Maybe you should start your own tradition of having Christmas dinner yourselves. Could it be that you have been so accommodating for so long, that they totally take you for granted?

Find someone else to pinch-hit for your husband instead of family. They need to miss you guys a little...

So sorry!
D.

7 moms found this helpful

how 'bout this one: my son was 7 & in barrel castings - both legs - with a wooden rod btwn them at the knees. When he stood, he looked like a capital letter "A". He manuevered with a wheelchair, but because of that leg span....he had to use crutches to go thru most doorways.

Our home worked perfect for him, because he had to work his way thru the bathroom door only. He lived in the great room & our bedroom (which has double doors) thruout the 6 week period...instead of his room with the standard door. Transportation was difficult & painful for him. Moving around was also awkward for him, & at times - the casting rubbed him raw. He wore sweat pants & undies which were velcroed the length of the legs...which meant he required assistance with dressing/bathroom.

Am I setting the stage here or what? Life was incredibly challenging thru this 6 week period. We even endured living in a handicapped motel room for my gmpa's funeral. Tough, tough time for us.

& then the IL Christmas rolled around...& we were flat-out told that we were "only one family & 1 kid"....& they were so sorry if we felt we couldn't make the party. WTH? All we asked was for the party to be at our house...& they refused.

Trust me, it doesn't get any better. Move on, make life happy for your own family....& don't let them stress you!

6 moms found this helpful

Well, either way, someone is going to miss, so what's to compromise.. which family won't be able to make it? Just put your resentment issues with this favorite daughter aside and enjoy your weekend. No one will ever be able to please everyone, they won't change their plans, and you won't change yours to Florida. People sometimes have to miss, that's life. Have fun next year. Sometimes, it's impossible to make sure every person's schedule is going to agree with an event, that's why they are sticking to one date.

6 moms found this helpful

In Laws don't mean to have favorites, it just happens. I would think of the kids. Like you mentioned they don't get to spend a lot of time with their cousins. If at all possible can you change your plans for that weekend, then sadly you family will not be able to make it. Hopefully they will make a more acceptable time for everyone next year. It sounds like you really enjoy this time with your husbands family, but if your husband don't speak up to his mom and sister, then that is just it you all don't go. I do hope your family has a great holiday season. Peace and Love.

6 moms found this helpful

I get the feeling this goes a lot deeper than a date on the calendar.

I wish I could offer advice but it appears no one is budging.

5 moms found this helpful

Aside from the fact that I think your DH needs to be more involved in the negotiations, and you need to be less involved, I think you need to let it go. You can't compromise with someone else if they don't want to do so. You can't control others. You can control yourself, and what your own little family does. The favorite will always be the favorite, and everyone else takes a back seat, unfortunately.

The holidays are about joyfully celebrating with family. Who that includes is up to you. Why would want to celebrate with people who won't even give you any consideration? That would be enough for me to start my own thing & not even consult with them anymore, personally. Time to focus on the positive & let go of the negative.

5 moms found this helpful

I would suggest you enjoy your weekend of 12/3 having a nice lunch with your husband and kids and doing a little shopping! Maybe even getting a babysitter and having a date night that night!

4 moms found this helpful

I suggest you call the other BIL and invite them for Christmas dinner at your house on the 24th. My family did that every year. We'd get take out Chinese dinner and have about 25-35 relatives. Christmas dinner my mother made the roast and all my aunts and uncles would arrive with their families and each one brought something else that belonged on the table.
BIL and family can stay overnight if you like or arrive from the hotel.
So you and the other brother can exclude them this year on account of favorite daughter getting it all as usual.

4 moms found this helpful

I would suggest going to Florida. You did what you could. Let it go. Life is too short. Take your little family on a weekender alone. Surely you have input when you see your own out of town family. Next year, if they want you all to attend, they will remember to check your availability.

4 moms found this helpful

This sounds like my hubby's family. If you can't make it, then don't. Let it go! They'll miss out by not having you there and probably next time they'll make sure you can make it as well. Do what you can and don't sweat it. I know it's easier said than done but there isn't much else you can do. We've been dealing with this for years. Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Thank you moms, for helping me get over the little tinges of jealousy I get at the beginning of every Christmas season, since we do our own thing and don't have a ton of family around for the holidays. :)

4 moms found this helpful

Have your husband talk to his mother, this should be between him and her.

4 moms found this helpful

I would just not have the family go...period. This date doesn't work for you. If they don't care, then they just won't see you...

3 moms found this helpful

Why isn't your husband offering his INput as well as you offering INput? Would it make a difference if it came from him versus you? If not, then oh well. Make your own plans in addition to the plans they're already making. Who says that has to be the only holiday party arrangement?

3 moms found this helpful

I dont like spending time with people who dont care about me. Maybe the other daughter has some problems and the parents are worried she will be all alone, or not handle it well. But for the most part,, Do what you need to do that weekend and have your own Christmas with your husband and kids this year. It wont hurt them to not see cousins this time.

3 moms found this helpful

Is it possible to reschedule your FL trip just to keep the peace? If not, why not trying to get together with the other daughters family that can't make that date either, at a date convenient for both of you (you can let the rest of the family know they are welcome to join you).

Family stuff can be hard- especially around the holidays.

2 moms found this helpful

Well since you and the other sister can't make it then you and her should schedule your own and tell your mil when it is. If she can't make it that is so sorry but you are seeing family.

2 moms found this helpful

Sucky. I would be super mad too. Here's what I suggest...since the Holiday Inn is local I would call up your MIL or SIL and ask them to take your kids overnight too. I'm assuming that your kids are at least 5ish since you've been doing it for 5 years which will make them really easy to deal with, or at least easier than an infant! ;) I would explain that you are leaving for FL and your hubby is on call that weekend so if they could just take the kids, you'll send the usual snacks and presents with them that would be great. Possibly your husband could book a room and take the kids and just work it out with his family that if he does get called in, one of them would have to come into your room for the rest of the night. Since your SIL and her husband, as well as at least your MIL, will be there it doesn't seem like it should be a big deal. It seems the best compromise to me. This way your plans aren't being upset and your kids still get to hang at the super fun holiday gathering.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, you gave it the old college try. They're not interested in a compromise...I agree with Toni V (I think she said it) send your regrets!

2 moms found this helpful

My response to your dear MIL would be: Oh well, sorry it won't work this year. We'll try again next year. Merry Christmas!

1 mom found this helpful

I would say speak up and do what works for "your" family? And when this
is all over have a conversations about it and say I'd like to be included in the planning process instead of this is when it is. Looks like you rec'd lots of answers on here, curious to see what everyone has to say. It's hard with family, especially at the holidays. Good luck to you!

We have the same problem my kids,nieces/nephew are married and my side of the family have a hard time getting everyone together b/c they have to visit the other spouse's family. What we did this year is that we picked a date in the middle of the year to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. This way we can spend time together and don't have to worry if the weather is bad we don't have to travel in the snow/ice.

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