17 answers

Family Friend Just Lost Her Husband :(

I am so saddened by this, the couple was in their early 30's, have a 2 yr old and 9 yr old daughter (the daughter was his step but he raised her like his own) he was such a great man. They were so in love, even had their own home business together so they could devote more time together and to their family. They were married a few years ago but never had a honeymoon and we're fixing to head out for a honeymoon vacation in the next week and now he's gone. He was found dead in their home early morning, cause of death is still unknown.

He was not a drug user, drinker or anything like that, just an all around great loving person that cared deeply for his family. I can't stop thinking about her and worrying. I've sent her messages letting her know how much I care and am here for her but I'm not sure what else I can do, I've never been in this situation, it truly breaks my heart. I can't imagine losing my husband, especially so young.
Any advice from those who've been there or know someone that has?
Thanks Moms!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

The next 2-3 weeks will be so busy for her with family, friends, well meaning people, funeral home representatives. It will be a whirlwind....it's the next month, two months and especially 4-6 months out which will be the absolute toughest. It's after all the well meaning friends leave and are afraid to call again. The funeral is over, so no one calls to discuss 'plans'. It's when life is beginning to go back to the routine of going back to normal when nothing feels like it will ever be normal again.

My advice is to be there for her in a few weeks. Take her out for a walk, take the kids out, make plans for a dinner or lunch. Be consistent and there for her as she enters the grieving process.

So sorry for the loss.

2 moms found this helpful

I lost my husband when I was 48 (he was 52)...that was 11 years ago. Susan T. gave you the best advice I could ever have given you. Just be there for her after everything is over with and everyone has gone about their life. That's when she will really need you. You are a good friend. I wish I had had someone like you 11 years ago.

More Answers

I am not sure how close a friend she was, but I'd make the effort if she's close (in distance) to go to her house and do what ever it is she needs. Ask her if she wants dishes done, a bed made, a meal fixed. Sit with her without saying anything. There are no words that will make this better for her and sometimes just "being" is the only thing you can offer and sometimes the best.

My brother in law committed suicide. The ONLY thing I could do was fix, cook and clean and take phone calls and make phone calls and try and do what ever it was I could...

My condolences to your friend and her family on their loss.

6 moms found this helpful

I agree with posters who said be there in the next few weeks. Right now she will be so overwhelmed with help, dinners, etc. In a few weeks she will have to try to somehow get back into a 'normal' routine for her kids and that is going to be really hard.

Have them over for dinner, get her to go out and walk with you or share your babysitter and go to a chick flick movie with her- anything to keep her in the loop of her daily life. Offer to babysit the kids if she needs to deal with attorney's appointments or things like that.

if you or your husband are handy around the house, offer to help her with upkeep- lawn mowing, little repairs, etc. Or better yet, just quietly do them. Say " Oh, I already had the mower out- it was no trouble to do your lawn too." or " I was nailing up that board and remembered that your fencepost was loose so I just thought I'd take care of that for you"

Don't make it a big deal- just be present and good neighbors. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

4 moms found this helpful

How terrible :(

I agree with offering to help with the kiddos. My biggest piece of advice...in 2-3 weeks make a few meals and still call. When my husband lost his dad, he said the hardest part was that after the inital influx of calls/visitors/food it all just stopped and everyone went back to their own lives. Which of course has to happen, but it was a really hard adjustment.

4 moms found this helpful

We had a neighbor who lost her husband recently after a 5 year battle with stage IV colo-rectal cancer: http://tonyfellerfund.blogspot.com/

I was diagnosed with cancer while he was preparing to go to Europe to receive treatments not available in the US. His death hit me hard.

But, it's different because his prognosis was poor from the beginning, and they had time to anticipate their lives once he passed. Not that anyone can prepare, but sometimes, I think it's easier to anticipate how you may react.

A good friend lost his wife to a seizure (cause unknown) a few years ago. They did not have kids. They were each other's lives. He was on the phone with her, got off, got home ~20 minutes later, and she was on the floor dead. We also have a former co-worker whose 20-something year old wife went to bed sick one night (flu like symptoms) and was found dead by her husband the next morning - he'd slept in another room to avoid getting sick that night.

Stories like these make us realize how precious each day is and how fragile all of our lives are.

Time is the only thing that heals wounds.
I'd ask her what she needs - she may not know. But, be there for her today, tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now.

If you can do little things like taking care of mowing the yard, running errands, getting gift cards for restaurants so she doesn't have to cook, watching the kids (take them fun places) so she can grieve and tend to affairs, those are the small things that may not be recognized but make a huge impact.

Good luck in helping her transition into her new life. I hope she mourns quickly and remembers him fondly.

4 moms found this helpful

My mom lost her hubby several years ago and it is TOUGH when it's a blindside. My advice is based on what my mom appreciated and what she has done for others who have lost a spouse.
Just be there if you can. I'm sure her mind is totally consumed with grief for her husband right now. She may want to talk, she may not right now. Follow her lead. What you CAN do is think of stuff that will make her life a bit easier right now as far as "details". For example, make them some dinners & just drop off after a quick call to make sure she's there. Buy her a basket of fresh fruit for her & her kids. Bake something for the kids & just drop it off. The last thing she probably wants to deal with is cooking, etc. If you were very close friends, and you think she'd appreciate it, go and get her laundry, do it and return it clean & folded. Get her a gift card for the grocery store, etc.
It's easy to tend to avoid grieving people but what they need most is support and a kind listening ear--when they are ready.
She is most likely unable to talk about it yet. Once she is out of the severest form of grief, she may reach out to you more, but for now, think of yourself as her little elf-angel doing kind, practical deeds. She'll love you for it. You're a good friend.

3 moms found this helpful

My first thought would be to make some meals for her family and take them to her. It's such a small gesture yet is one less important thing for her family she needs to think about right now. You could also offer to take the kids for however long she needs in a day whether she needs to be alone or to deal with things. On the other hand, she may not want to be away from them. You'll have to see how she feels.

How awful. :( It just goes to prove you can't put things off to tomorrow thinking you'll just do it later because you have plenty of time. Unfortunately, none of us are guaranteed a specific amount of time here. I feel awful for her because I know how devestated I would be if I lost my husband. He's my best friend. :(

3 moms found this helpful

When my son died I read lots of books on grieving the loss of a child. It did seem to help me because at the time I felt so alone but reading others stories of coping with the same loss made me realize I wasn't so alone. Since then I have bought books that have been very much appreciated by the people I have given them to. Unfortunately, I have bought books now for others regarding coping with the death of a brother, a sister, a husband and a child. Once again these books were extremely appreciated. Also, it may help if you read the book before giving it to her to give yourself a better perspective of what she may be going through.
God bless your friend and her children. She is lucky to have you in her life.

2 moms found this helpful

The next 2-3 weeks will be so busy for her with family, friends, well meaning people, funeral home representatives. It will be a whirlwind....it's the next month, two months and especially 4-6 months out which will be the absolute toughest. It's after all the well meaning friends leave and are afraid to call again. The funeral is over, so no one calls to discuss 'plans'. It's when life is beginning to go back to the routine of going back to normal when nothing feels like it will ever be normal again.

My advice is to be there for her in a few weeks. Take her out for a walk, take the kids out, make plans for a dinner or lunch. Be consistent and there for her as she enters the grieving process.

So sorry for the loss.

2 moms found this helpful

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