Family Feud

V.,

I am so sorry to be this way, but I just lost my 6-year old son 5 weeks ago. He died suddenly in his sleep. I like you would have gotten very upset. I have also delt with the same issues with my sister-in-law and her kids. However, I have since realized that life is too short and just make the best of it! So what if your new van got dirty. The fact that the grandparents want to spend time with all of their grandkids is such a blessing. Be grateful and focus on relationships, not tangible items such as a van. Good luck to you...

D.

6 moms found this helpful

V. - I know this is not the response you want to hear but I think you and your husband are the ones out of line here. Sounds like there may be some tension between you and your sister that is provoking your hurt feelings, but if you just isolate this incident, it looks to me like your parents did nothing wrong - and in fact, were bending over backward to accommodate both your family and your sister's. If you put yourself in your parents' position (or imagined that it was two of your kids as adults with families) you'd want everyone to go to the family reunion, and would be thrilled to take grandkids from both familes, and would feel uncomfortable telling the second family there was no room. No, you'd want to find a way to make it work. After all, it IS a family reunion, and the point of a family reunion is to gather as much of the family as possible. Your parents were just trying to make that happen, and you have the vehicle with enough room that they could accomodate both families.

So let me ask you this - if you and your husband were to go to the reunion with your kids, would you take the van there? I'm pretty sure you would - you would't squeeze five people in a car for an hour trip if you didn't have too. You wouldn't leave your van at home out of fear it may get some country dust on it. So the issue isn't really the van, but some other issue with your sister, or else you are more concerned about preserving the newness of yur van over the preserving the relationships within your family.

In all honesty, it was you and your husband who spoiled the reunion for your kids, not your parents or sister. If you'd allowed them to borrow the van, they could have all enjoyed the reunion together.

3 moms found this helpful

Good Morning V., I hope by now some of your anger has calmed down. Being a Grandparent is one of the most wonderful things in the whole world. I also have 5. And Grandparents almost always TRY to accommodate everyone. No matter what type of hardship it may put on themselves.

Your reason for not attending yourself was your 2 1/2 y/o was hard to handle sometimes? Aren't most younger children hard to handle? As well as the ones you said ( nieces )weren't the most well behaved children. I can tell you from experience, my gr children at times aren't the most well behaved either, and my car that I really enjoy ( 01 Malibu LS ) has two car seats, toys, burp cloths, kids books scattered all over the back seat & floor. I don't have a van but sure wish I did now, I would call it Nana's Taxi. We had one when our boys were younger. By the time I got my new car I had 2 gr kids and I took them as much as possible Stains and All in my car.
AND I cringed the first time a Rock hit my car or windshield from a passing car on the Hwy or got a big door ding in a parking lot. The roads we drive are Far from perfect.

As one poster mentioned it sounds as if you have a sibling rivalry of your own with your sister. Placing your parents in the middle is really tough.
Your parents probably DID talk between themselves and thought they might of had a solution to get everyone there, and not disappoint anyone. That solution was to Ask to borrow your larger vehicle. We have taken two Vehicles ( hubby's truck, my car) before to get all of our grand kids somewhere but that isn't always Possible. Since that solution wasn't the best, with you having a newer vehicle and you didn't want it damaged. I suppose they were at a loss as what to do next.

They could of said, I'm sorry kids but none of us are going, we can't get everyone there together, maybe next time it will be in a better location.
I am so sorry but yet proud of your son for giving up his place to keep some semblance of peace ( which obviously didn't work). I beatcha he feels even worse now that Mom is Mad at his grandparents and his aunt and his sacrifice was for NOT.

All In All V., if it had been ME, I would of packed up ALL of my kids in my VAN, driven that dirt road with gravel and all taken them myself. SO what if your little guy is a hand full, you were having a Family Gathering with alot of People to HELP if necessary.

I am sure your mom & sister know you are angry, it will probably be your mom who apologizes also. Moms have a tendency to TRY to keep the peace between their Kids. Especially to your son for being the one to stand up and say Let the girls go it's ok.

It's a shame so many families are split and divided over something as small and unproductive as who gets to ride with Gr ma & Gr pa. It probably bothered your parents alot to leave their Oldest gr child at home too.

So
1. You could of loaned them the van.
2. Everyone could of stayed home.
3. Or the most Novel idea would of been for you to drive to the family gathering with ALL of your kids, while your hubby went to work.

I didn't say all of this to be hurtful. You need to pick your battles carefully and this one just didn't seem to have a whole lot of good out come or productivity. Only thing it produced was anger & hurt feelings for all concerned.

I sincerely pray you work it out and not let bitterness take up rental space in your heart.

K.
AKA Nana to 5

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Dear V.,

Don't look at it as your parents accommodating your sister. I believe that they wanted to have ALL of the grandkids there, and so the kids could all be together. If you don't like the idea of them taking your van, maybe you could have suggested a rental. Don't say it's because of the dirt road, when you would have driven that "dirt road" yourself. Don't let this upset you. Your parents just love the kids, and were delighted that everyone was coming. They never thought you'd be ticked, over something so simple.

3 moms found this helpful

You should have let them use your van. Your parents were the ones caught between a rock and a hard place. They were kind enough to take all the grandchildren for an entire weekend! They tried to find a solution to accommodate everyone.

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It sounds to me like your parents were trying to keep everyone happy, and you pulled the plug on the deal with the van. Your kids didn't go because you have a newer van. Did you explain that to jr.? Your sister has every right to ask your parents to take her children somewhere, just as you do. I don't know about your parents, but mine feel like the more the merrier. What is the big deal? You have 3 kids, a few scratches on a van isn't worth a family fued, is it?

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I know I don't know the personal dynamics behind this situation but our rule of thumb is if I trust you enough to take my children I trust you enough to take my car. I do have a sister that relies on my parents for everything including raising her kids most of the time and it is annoying how my parents enable her to continue all of her selfish choices, BUT it is NOT her children's fault. Just because your sister may not make the best choices doesn't mean her children should be punished and not get to go. I am just not sure why you would let your son sacrifice going when you had a vehicle that would get everyone there? You could always ask for no food or drink in the van if you felt that would be a problem. As I said before our rule is if we trust you with our child we trust you with our car.

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hmmmm. Ok your the grandma. Your 13 yr old son is a 30 yr old single dad and has to work so you are going to take his three kids to the reunion. Then your daughter breaks her leg and can't go she ask you to take her kids too. Do you just tell her "no, you can't?".

I'm sure this isn't the first time and I am positive it won't be the last. But, when your the mom - YOU are in the middle. You love all your kids and grand kids. Should you really try to alienate one of your kids and her children?

I would've let them use the van. It's kind of a "grin and bear it" moment. I understand the apprehension. And I'm so sorry that your son didn't get to go.

I probably would've went myself so my kids wouldn't have missed it or none of my kids would've went. See that's not the right attitude either. Because your kids should know who their people are and get to meet them.

Just some thoughts. It's over now. Don't cry over spilled milk. Move on. Life is so short and you never know how much time you really have left with "any" of the folks you could be angry at.

Just love - ok and scream in your pillow once in awhile :),
L. B

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Being a mother and a Grandmother I can see both sides of this. You asked that they take your children and so did your sister. How can Grands take both set of grandchildren?? How can they refuse to take one set and not the other???? They love both. If you don't want them to use your van then why not, both you and your sister , chip in to rent a van for them. That way Grands don't feel bad about not taking yours or hers and all can go. Life is to short for petty fueding and fussing. Hopefully something can be worked out between you and your sister to help your folks, not make them feel like they have to chose between the two of you.
Hope things work out.

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I'm guessing it is too late to let your parents take the van? I would have let my parents take the van. That way all the kids would have had a good time and no one would have felt left out.

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V. I am sorry you are so upset and i know that family can at times seem to be more upsetting than anything. In this situation it seems as if your parents tried to help out both of their children with the same request, not playing favorites. They had a solution they thought would work. Your comments about your sisters childrne not always behaving the best should not be an issue since one of the reasons you are not going is that your youngest is at times hard to handle. I understand letting family use a vehicle is a big decision, but I think in this case it may have been the answer. Or an alternative may have been for you to say that you would take the van with all of your kids and your parents could take your sisters children if your parents would help you with your youngest child. Some times as parents of grown children we are caught between a rock and a hard place. We want to make sure that we handle things appropriatly in every case and without our kids understanding what goes into every decision it can look as though we did not consider their feelings, when the opposite it true. Each child has their own strengths and weaknesses as parents we can recognize them. We find ourselves trying help the weaknesses and relying on the strengths. In some cases it can look like one child is getting special treatment. Actually what you may be seeing is a parent stepping in to help with a weakness and knowing that another child is strong in that area and does need as much help. However we see the weaknesses of the other child and are willing to step in when needed there as well. It just may not be as evident, it does not mean we dont care. You husband made a decision, and in that case that decision impacted your family including your son. Your parents tried to find the right solution for both of their children cut them some slack. The decision your husband made is one that needs to be looked at. I would finish by asking one question. Was the youngest child so difficult to handle that you could not take on the family gathering for the benefit of your other son. Be careful charging your parents with a decision including one sibling that impacted another sibling, you did the same thing with your own children. Again I am sorry you are so hurt but I hope this helped some.

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I think I would have just sucked it up and let my parents take the van. Wouldn't you have drove the van to the reunion if you went? I think chipping in for a rental would have worked too. It was nice of them to offer to take all five kids to the family reunion. If I were you I would be thankful you have parents that would be willing to take your kids and your sister's kids for the whole weekend. I feel like it wasn't right for your son to be in the middle of what seems to be an issue between you and your sister. He probably felt like he had to do something to make everyone else happy, and he shouldn't have been the one to make the sacrifice. This is in the past though, and maybe you should try to talk with your sister and mom about how you feel and resolve your issues with them.

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V.,

You sound very upset about all this. First off, it sounds like you have a long time resentment for your sister...."everybody bending over backwards for her...I always have to be the bigger person." But keep in mind that whatever decision you make not only affects your relationship with your mom and sister but also it is now affecting your kids' relationship with them. Whatever grudges you hold against your sister, don't put your kids in the middle of it or your sister's kids in the middle of it for that matter.

Now try and be really honest with yourself when answering this question. Did you really not want to let your parents borrow the van because you knew your sister wanted her kids to go, so you decided this was your opportunity to spoil it for her and get some revenge because you feel like your sister always seems to get her way? If your husband didn't have to work, wouldn't you all have gone to the family gathering anyway and driven your "newer" van down that same dirt road with your kids?

V., you sound really hurt and resentful towards your sister, and it sounds like you have felt this way for a very long time. I would recommend that you go see a professional to help you sort through these feelings so that you can let go of this resentment and not continue to let it affect your kids' relationships with their extended family.

Bottom line, my personal opinion is that it's just a van. I would have let my parents borrow it and let all the kids go and have a good time. Don't punish the kids because of the feelings you have towards your sister.

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I think your parents were probably just trying to think of all of the children. They probably didn't want any of them to feel left out. I probably would have allowed them to take the van. They'll wash if they get dirty. :^)

K.

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Dear V.,
Your parents were put in a no win situation. Once your sister's children asked to go along your parents made the logical decision to ask to use your van since they were transporting your two children. That was the logical solution to them. Now, put in the fact you don't want your van messed up on the ride and that you don't want to go because your 2 1/2 yr old is hard to handle. That is your choice. You can go in your own vehicle and take your three children. If you want your parents to take your children so that you can stay home with your baby that again is your choice. Now you may feel that your sister is taking advantage of you and you can ask for her to chip in on gas money but don't blame your sister for everything. Did you offer to give your parents gas money when they were going to transport your children? You still have the choice to go by yourself with your three kids. How you feel about your sister is your business and you may truly be justified. Instead let your son know how much you appreciate his generosity and cooperation in this matter and take a lesson from him. By the way if your sister's children are that wild then maybe it is just as well they don't go with your kids. Just remember that your parents were trying to please everyone. Do not be angry with them becuae the situation did not work out to your personal satisfaction. And V. if you really wanted your children to be there you would have told your parents when they informed you that they were taking your sister's children that you understood and that you were taking all three of your children yourself and that your older children would help with the baby. That way you can drive your van the way you want with the passengers that you want. You can control your actions but not your sister's or your parents'. Don't even try and you will be much more content and happy.

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I believe when it comes to family you need to be willing to be a little more giving. Borrowing the van so all the grandkids could go and spend time with their grandparents should of been the big picture. You never know how much longer they will have with their grandparents and memories they will make with each other will last a life time. Now all they have is a negative memory. It is just a vehicle. Family is more important.

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First of all, I think you are way over-reacting. It sounds like your real issue is with your sister, and you need to work on that or everything else in life will be just as unfair.
If your parents put gas in your van, it shouldn't matter. What's more important, your van or your family?
Secondly, it is very possible that your parents and sister are not aware that they hurt you and your children. Talk to them and let them know that your son and daughter were heartbroken over not getting to go because plans had changed at the last minute. I bet they'd be more understanding if you talk to them. If you don't, it'll fester up inside of you and you will end up becoming bitter with your sister over everthing.

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Hi V., I can see your problem. It's not fair that the situation happen the way that it did. The only advise that I can really give has come from one of my best friends in the world. She is amazingly wise and I'm very blessed to have her in my life. Her motto is very simple: Open/honest/direct. That simple, but you have to handle it in the right way. I have found that a letter is one of the best ways to get things out, keep you calm, and keep you from being interupted by other thigns. You don't have to be hateful about it, you can say alot without saying too much. But if you don't get this out into the open, it's going to eat at you and continue to fester until you blow up one day, and then it will be worse. Talk or write to your mom and your sister. If they don't know what is bothering you, then they can't fix it. Hopefully they will listen with an open mind and an open heart. Good luck!!

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Life is too short, set rules down about how the kids are to treat the van and let them all go, let them use your van. It shouldn't have to be a big deal. Your parents will not be here on earth forever let them enjoy their grandkids. Sure it was inconvienent but all of them should have been able to go. Hubby needs to loosen up. Vans are material things..people's feelings and family unity is more important.In a few years this will be a joke, look at the big picture.

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V.,

Oh how family can have so much impact on our lives! Well, I'm trying to look at it in everyones view. Maybe sister wanted her kids to go suddenly so your kids and hers could be together? The grandparents are put in the middle, trying to please everyone and afraid to say no to anyone and start stepping on toes when they aren't able to provide room for all. As far as your sister, you know her best. If you think her motives changed for the wrong reasons you are prob. right, I don't know, but you must look at all of it. You are so right when your parents asked to use the van, they should have called you first before saying yes to the other sister, I'm sure they had the conversation on 'how to get everyone to their destination', it was prob. your sisters' suggestion to use the van.' Are you the oldest? I take it this outing hasn't happened yet. Your son and daughter want to go. Is there any way you can take the kids yourself? Tell your parents that you have changed your plans and are taking your kids yourself. Ask them calmly that next time please call you if they have to change plans in the future before committing to someone else, even if it is your sister. If this is a pattern that's been going on for years, then you might already know ahead of time how the family works. Set the rules on the table for any future events, you can do this without making waves, to your parents. If your sister calls and complains, don't argue with her, it will go no where. You have to be assertive with her also. Make sure she knows that your van is not an option, and in the future you would like to know when things are going to change. You know, this is one of those family things, you know what is really going on. You just need to take care of your kids' feelings at this time and teach them how to handle bad situations when it comes to family or they will end up doing the same things grown. This is your chance to show your children how not to take advantage of someone (like your sister changing plans) and learn how to say no(because grandparents are pleasing everyone). When you can't say no, you have to say yes all the time, you become desperate and make yourself thin, as your parents do. What do you want to teach your kids right now? To be assertive, kind, and how to fix the problem. Teach them how to handle this kind of situation. The 13 year old should not have to give his spot up. He is obviously a very kind hearted kid that loves his mother dearly. Be creative with how to handle this. You are in the right, but how can you fix it without hearts broken, and be assertive? Make sure everyone knows the rules from now on or it just won't happen. I'm not saying give in, I'm saying, its okay to speak your heart, your parents must have the same prob. about trying to please your sister. They must find it easier to deal with you and find it more difficult to handle your sister so they do what she wants. Your sister needs to know the rule, and your parents need to make sure it's okay before saying yes. It makes it easier when everyone knows what the rules are, up front and what is expected. I would make sure my kids go somehow, this time, even if I had to inconv. myself this time. But in the future, prevention is the key.
You could tell your parents no they cannot use the van, your husband needs it for some reason, and let them fig. out what to do, since they put themselves in arms way. This will also make them have to resolve the prob. There are different ways to approach this, be assertive now and tell them no to the van, see what happens, set future rules, and teach your kids how to handle family in a positive way.
Family is hard to deal with when there is conflict like this. Ask yourself what you want to happen, and see how you can be
an example to your kids. Don't be passive aggressive, this will create hurt feelings, be assertive and positive, use good words and not angry ones, but still take control. It sounds like I'm conflicting my ideas some, but this is one you must decide how you want the outcome, you do have choices.
I'm sure you will make the right decision.
Good luck
DE

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Wow, that is unfortunate, but what a sweet, mature, boy you have. My Mom has always bent over backwards for my sister, who can be the most absolute inconsiderate, nasty human being around. My 12yr old son is now old enough to see it. My son and I lived with my sister, and when he got old enough to see her for who she really is, I got us out of the situation. I know how you feel, my sister doesn't have kids thank God! My Mom however recently got a wake up call, my sis moved in with her and now my Mom is seeing that all the things I've said are true. I don't really have any good advice, you could bring it up, but I'm sure your Mom is like mine and it wouldn't do much good anyway, but it might make you feel better. Sometimes we just have to be happy that we are not that person. Be happy and proud of your son he sounds like a good boy. Your sister is who she is, and I'm sorry for that.

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dealing with family is hard to say the lease, knowing how they are from now one just plan around them so u do not get ur feelings hurt and ur children are not hurt also . it was not nice of ur parents to change things in the middle of it all , but it is hard to be the parent and chose one kid over the other , sounds like ur sister is spoiled and has been for some time , unless ur parents stop doing all she wants , i don't see anything ever being different , i don't blame to for not letting them use ur van , maybe next time don't plan on sending ur kids unless u can go ur self , do pray about it all first tho , good luck to u E.

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I am sorry I don't. but wanted to let you know you are not the only one to have that issuse. My little sister makes all the family plans. because she has the little kids we all have to do what fits her. then my older sister was divored so her kids get more attention then my kids. and it hurts too. I don't know how you do it. years ago I wrote and letter how kids need their grandparents and sent it to them and they never said anything or really changed. they hae gotten a small bit better latley but not alot.

Best wishes. if you get any advice please let me know too. I know it hurts. I wish I could help.
A.

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I have a different response than alot you have gotten!It maybe because it hits home.I have been dealing with my Mother-in-law playing favorites for 11 years now and I haven't figured out what to do either.Nothing seems to make a difference.So my first thought was I'd just tell your parents to forget it.Of course it's not fair to your kids and they're the ones getting hurt but if your dealing with the same things I am than nothing will ever be fair to them anyway.I'm sorry you and your kids have to deal with this,I know it hurts a great deal.Although I think nothing makes a difference,you should calmly talk to your Mother and tell her your feelings.

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I think that after you've calmed down you should talk to your parents about how that made you and your kids feel. Let them know that you felt like they assumed it would be alright to use your van before talking to you. With the price of gas and everything else I don't blame you for being upset.

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The grandparents need a "talking to" about committments and honoring their word. It was fine of them to ask to borrow the van, but when you said that wasn't a possibility (and it's none of their business why - for us, it would have been that the youngest's carseat is installed in it and for safety reasons, we don't take it in & out unless we have to, so the van stays w/ whoever's got that kid), the appropriate options for them were to:
(1) find another large vehicles to get them all there,
(2) drive two vehicles to get them all there,
(3) tell your sister they're sorry, but they've already given their word to you that they'd take your kids, or
(4) tell your sister their vehicle is full, but if *she* could arrange for a larger vehicle for them to drive, then they could take her kids as well.

This situation is just like any other promise you make to someone - and if it works out to include others, that's fine, but if not, you "owe" the people who "booked" you first to follow through.

An example from our family: My brother & his family live int he same town as my parents (about 1 1/2 hours from us). My folks are retired, so they pick up my nieces every day after school/sitter and keep them a couple of hours 'til their parents get home. It's a little annoying to me that this keeps my folks from being able to come visit *us* during the week - especially knowing that they'd LIKE TO, but they made that committment first and need to honor it, and we respect that.

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wow, thats a tough one. On the one hand you have your family & the other your parents and where you came from. You have a van, so to be fair to all, it would've been nice for you to offer. after all, your kids are going without you, why not let your sisters do the same.
On the other hand, you have worked hard to get that van & your sisters kids could utterly destroy it. And after all, your husband doesn't really care for them, does he. So, why give so that they can have as well, after all, they don't deserve your compassion.
Now your kids have to miss out, because your parents wanted to be able to extend hospitality to both families & their grandkids, dispite the dispute amongst the adults & their lack of decision making. I guess if your parents really wanted to be equal amongst grandkids, they should buy a van themselves. It would avoid such conflicts in the future. Or Grandparent invitations should be on a first come first serve basis.
Have you asked them about it yet?

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I think you should let your parents take your van so all the kids in the family could spend some time together. You could have asked your parents to stop at a car wash on the way home and all the kids could have washed your new van so it looked clean and shiny again.

Then sometime later it seems you and your parents and perhaps your sister should have an adult conversation or perhaps get some family counseling about long standing grievances that are obviously unresolved.

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I'm sorry, V., but life is too short to let yourself get upset over trivial things like that. I understand you're hurt. But, don't continue to dwell on it. You can tell them how you feel if you wish, to clear the air. But, don't let this cause a rift in your relationships.
____@____.com

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First that was a terrible thing for your MOM to do to make your kids suffer when she already said she would take them, she should have told your sister there wasnt enough room for everyone. Second It was very nice of your son to back out to make room for the others, something he shouldnt have had to do had your MOM just said NO.

I would just put it straight to her and let her know that she had already agreed to take your kids and that she should have said NO to your sister when she asked to take her kids as well, she should have just said NO and told her there wasnt any room. Not sure the type of women your MOM is or your SISTER. If it were the other way around would she have told you that she already made plans to take your sisters kids had she asked first.

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First of all, feelings are not right or wrong, they are just how you feel. That being said...we all have our "stuff" to work on throughout life's journey. Some of the other moms gave brutal opinions. You just have to take what you like and leave the rest. My personal goal is to try to "build one another up" not tear each other down for our differences in who we are or how we MaMa our children.

I bet your folks didn't think that this would be a problem to take all the kids and would've been excited about showing them ALL off to your extended family. The person I would be most upset with is your sister for putting you and your folks in this situation.

I have to be honest that I don't feel like my sister and I are close. I know more about what's happening in my best friends life than I do hers. I thought once we both had kids that it would get better but it hasn't. In fact, about a year ago, she outright told me to "stop telling her how I wished that we could be closer". OUCH! So, I'm no stranger to hurt feelings especially from those you call family and love the most.

I'd recommend a book called "Boundaries". It has helped me not feel like a doormat or people pleaser anymore. And, I agree, it's one thing to hurt me but when something like this hurts my kids...that's harder to forgive. If you don't mention anything to her or your mom than you'll probably end up holding a resentment which may only hurt you in the long run. I'd pray about it first and trust that God will give you the wisdom and right words to say. As long as you keep it in "I" terms and talk about how it made you and your son feel then they shouldn't take it personally and get defensive. And, even if they do...well, that's THEIR problem.

It's hard to have to share Grandparents when everybody lives close by but they're are also times I'm grateful that we all live within 15 minutes of each other...taking the bad with the good. You should see my sister and I having our annual "showdown" when it's around the holidays since we both would like to go out with our friends/husbands and sometimes the Christmas parties end up on the same night. I just try to get my bid in early and one of us just might have to make plans for a different sitter. Best Wishes!