Family discipline...Need Advise

Aloha J.,

It doesn't matter who is providing the care, you are still the mother. If you don't like how someone is treating your daughter, tell them. You are in charge.

Something you might like to look at is getting the free parent pack from Lorraine Pursell. She's an awesome parent mentor and I've been enjoying the knowledge she shares. Her website is www.LorrainePursell.com

Blessings,
Marie-anne

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First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing a non-violent approach to discipline!! Children are so precious and impressionable - your hard work and self control will pay off in big dividends! After all, children learn what they live.

Second, your husband MUST have a serious, sit-down talk with his relative. It can't be you. It has to be him. You both have decided that you do not want your daughter to be hit. This is all the relative needs to know. If they cannot control their anger, then you need to find another care arrangement for your daughter. Period. If it were me, I'd also make the relative apologize to your daughter for hitting her.

Third, it is no accident that your daughter has lashed out like this after being assaulted by a trusted family member. Can you imagine how confused and upset she must have been by that episode? Violence breeds violence. The proof is in front of your eyes.

Fourth, if you are having overall discipline issues with your daughter apart from the aftermath of the relative's hitting, I HIGHLY recommend the book "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius at dealing with strong willed children. Her book has concrete things you can do/say to help in any situation so that you and your daughter both get what you want. Everybody wins, so everybody is happy!! It worked miracles with me and my little girl.

My heart goes out to you in this situation. I would be devastated to learn that someone I trusted with one of my precious little girls had chosen to hurt them. Best of luck to you and your family and keep up the great work!!!

2 moms found this helpful

This is your child J. and you and your husband need to set firm boundaries. If you do not believe in spanking then the same goes for anyone who watches your child too. You do need to find some books on disciplining so that you have techniques and and ways to deal with her temper tantrums and show them to the in-laws or for anyone else who watches your child.
You take the lead, this is your child, you raise them the way you want. Hope this is helpful.

1 mom found this helpful

There's a difference between spanking and a swat on the bottom. I agree with not using spanking, but a swat on the bottom to get their attention that something isn't right is totally acceptable.
Obviously, you need to be on the same page with the family member about discipline and what's acceptable, but if she's kicking, that's tough. Personally, if a child is in my care and becomes violent and I may not do as I feel is appropriate, I won't take care of that child anymore (like a teacher being able to send the child to the principal).

Yes, she going through a 'manipulation' phase and it will end when YOU'VE been manipulated. She's not being malicious, she's just trying to mold her world, as we all do, the way that suits her best.
YOU must keep the upper-hand in whatever way you can, otherwise SHE will be running the show.

I have 3 children with the youngest being 11 months old and the discipline has begun because he's very demanding and throws tantrums, ALREADY! It's not fun, but he's figuring out what's acceptable and what's not. Our older two have gone and still go through phases and we deal with them rather than thinking they'll "go away" and everything will go back to normal.
Children live what they learn, through practice. Unless we show and tell them REPEATEDLY, EVERY DAY what's acceptable, they will run your world.

Few things in life worth doing are easy. Parenting is sooo worth it, but very difficult and trying.

Be strong.

1 mom found this helpful

You may want to look into books on Indigo and Crystal Children. Sometimes advanced or prodigy children need more attention. Also, sometimes dicipline problems may be due to allergies. You may want to look into NAET.com and have your child tested for allergies.

Be well

N.

1 mom found this helpful

you should quit whatever you're doing and stay home with your child, otherwise your really have very little control.

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NO ONE but you should EVER lay a hand on your child. Especially if you don't believe in spanking... You should definitely confront this issue. If it was a stranger or teacher who had hit your child, you would not hesitate to chew them a new one, possibly even bring them up on charges, but family is harder...
She is your daughter. They don't have to discipline her at all. When my mother watches my daughter, discipline goes right out the window. So it makes my life a little harder, I would rather that than hitting... That is up to you though. Your Daughter is three. Three is a hard time, often times harder than two. She is going to be difficult, and she is big enough to hurt, but they need to find other ways of dealing with her. They don't need to be carrying her. She is three.
I give my daughter the responsibility of carrying the books she wants to read to the bedroom and closing the door. It generally works really well for us... We read (some) of the books she takes back, she chooses, and then rock for a while. Then into bed with her. Sometimes she will get her books and read to herself, sometimes she will sleep sometimes both. I just let her be and let her have 'quiet time' when I get a break. It mostly works for us...
Good luck
R.

If you don't want your child spanked you need to let that family member know!!! End of story!
You can say you understand that maybe the frustration got the better of them,but you don't want your child disciplined like that! Have open communication with them! Sit down and create a list of other options! If you don't say something, it will eat you up! you will always be on your mind!
I hope this helps!

Gently tell them you prefer timeouts instead of spanking. Timeouts worked for my kids. In addition to timeouts, if she is still bad, withhold treats, and/or take away toys, no TV, there are lots of things to do. Just telling her not to do it isn't enough. Also, ignore the tantrums. What she wants is attention. Just totally ignore her.

I think it is up to YOU how your child be disciplined, no matter who is "doing it".

I used to be a nanny, and during my interview (BEFORE even HIRING me) they explained to me what their discipline methods were, and asked me if I was ok with it all - to ensure that their children would be disciplined the way THEY wanted to. I think that's how it should be!

I would say approach it gently, but DO let your family members know that you do not believe in spanking - period.

Hi J., The issue with your daughter is normal and will happen over and over. She is a baby, and is learning, and she doesn't have skills or the maturity to control herself from kicking. It's frustrating,but natural and normal, this is how we all learn and mature, right ? and we need to do this for years. Our coping skills and the caregiver (family) are also new or starting over with this again. You and your husband will need to sit down together and talk with the caregivers and pow-wow about what is working and what isn't. It isn't just YOU against them, telling them what to do, or making your husband do it...act like grown ups and say, can we sit down and talk about what may help get through this time, and making it a teaching time. You don't have all the answers either, and spanking is usually done in frustration and upset, never a good idea. Read some books, share the ideas, listen to someone that has been there. If it doesn't work, then do the work your self, she's your daughter and take care of her yourself. good luck and remember there is no us against them. no high horse... Deb

sorry.....but they told you how they discipline...if you dont like it....find a new babysitter.....

C.

I live in a house where everyone disciplines our children and I too have felt their discipline may have been too harsh. But I must insist for the sake of your sanity you say something to your family member. Later a block between you and that person could build and burst when you don't expect it. Or have your husband bring it up if you don't feel comfortable. Its not who says it, is the way the information is delivered. Besides she may not know what it is you want in discipline. Its better to bring it up now then to wait. 'We' all grew up in a world when spanking was normal. So reprogramming what was set in stone will take sometime. Communication is the key with both parties, with older ones and little ones. Good luck!

I would not allow anyone to strike my child. Period. If they cannot or will not agree to your way of disciplining, then they don't get to be alone with your child. They can have supervised visits. You must be direct about this and sure that they understand you. This is a different generation, a different era. Many things have changed and spanking is thankfully a thing of the past.

I have never understood how spanking or hitting a child teaches them not to kick or hit someone else. I think you and your husband need to address this family member and all get on the same page with how she will be disciplined and all be a united front. If you watch the Supernanny show you'll see that her big rule is while a child is in time out, you don't hang out with them or talk to them, and you give them a chance to calm down. If your in-law did something like this, he/she would not have been within a kick's reach during the tantrum. Suppernany has two books out that I know of. I got mine from the library but wish I would have bought them instead. Invaluable advice on the toddler age. Hindsight is alwasy 20/20. No reasonable adult feels good after stricking/spanking a child. It's easy to get caught up in the moment and frustration. The time-out method works best in our house because it gives both the our son and us to calm down before we talk again. Have a specific space for the time out at each place. Explain why she is going in time out. Walk away and don't talk anymore until it's over (a few minutes). If the child gets up. Calmly put her back in the time out space, even if it takes 20 times the first few time. Don't say a word...this gets both tempers flying. When she clams down, it's okay to reexplain why she was there, get an apology for the behavior, and give a hug so everything is forgiven and everyone starts over. There is a whole technique to it and it's very simple after you practice a little. The child knows what to expect and they avoid going into time out most of the time. Good luck! The Terrible Twos seem to last a few years sometimes.

It is your child and you are the only one that can decide how your daughter will be raised. You must be ready to give up free child care for the sake of how you want your daughter raised. Your husband should be the one addressing the problem and tell them it has nothing to do with them it is just what you both agreed upon at this time and if ever a situation arises that you feel spanking is needed you would feel 100% comfortable with them doing it and that you want them to help you raise her (because they really are) but you guys want the final input but are always willing to hear their advise because after all they have done it before and did a great job with your husband but you guys make the final decision. Best of luck. p.s. remember a phase only last for so long so be sure it isn't a broken record in your house because remember all kids go though things but it is how we handle the situation that changes the behavior not who the child is because we mold them into the people they become.

I would agree that this is your child and your rules for discipline, so you or your husband definitely need to say something (kindly and respectfully, but confidently with no wiggle room allowed). BUT remember that you can only choose WHO will influence your child, not HOW they influence them. You can't control other people's behavior/attitudes, especially when you're not there with them - and their behavior/attituds will affect your child when they are together. If you choose to let this family member continue to care for your daughter, it is a possiblity that this will happen again - you can't prevent it simply with your words. No one will provide the exact same care for your children that you will, so you have to choose very carefully. I think if this person is reluctant to follow your rules, you should find someone else to watch your daughter (is there ANY way you can stay home with her? This is the only fool proof way to make sure things are done your way). I think that once you've chosen someone to watch your kids and laid down rules, if they aren't followed once you need to relay the groundwork, if it happens again you need to remove the child, or uphold that other adults decision - you can't keep allowing someone to watch your child but not support their authority, this will cause your daughter to see there is not a united front, and she will use it to her advantage. Good luck with this, it's a toughie!

Wow- You must be furious!

I don't have personal experience with this, but I've found the ideas from the book Positive Discipline to be super helpful with my toddler. Lots of ideas besides Time Out, discusses the downsides of using rewards/punishments. It's very empowering yet respectful of the child. I bring this up because perhaps your family members don't feel they have any other ways to get her to behave (still not an excuse for violating your rules). Positive Discipline techniques may give them more non-spanking options.

http://www.positivediscipline.com/

Also, if it's possible let your husband talk to them about it- I strongly believe that we have the responsibility to buffer our spouses from our parents when we can. This allows you to preserve that fragile in-law relationship. When he brings it up he can certainly empathize with them, but also share your own approach to discipline, and perhaps ask them to collaborate with you to find a different way and be on the same team. You might include your daughter in the conversation too- she's likely old enough to understand and contribute to some sort of agreement about the consequences.

Best wishes.

J.: I know its really hard to imagine anyone hitting your child, but I am hoping it was just an overreaction to being kicked in a tender spot. Kids can be very trying and when you ask someone to care for your child it is especially difficult to expect family members to follow all the rules and ideals that you and your husband set up. That is one thing about daycare, they are not allowed to hit children so if you did put your child in a daycare or educational setting this may not have happened. At the same time you have to be careful not to offend your in-laws. I would rather have someone who loves my children watch them than have my kids in a day care setting even if it means that all my beliefs won't be upheld. Like my mom and dad will feed my kids anything, so of course my kids will ask for complete junk food when I normally feed them only whole wheat bread and healthy snacks and meals. So you might have your husband remind the relative that when your child does something you want them in time out or in the naughty chair (and bring one over) then just hope for the best. Or look for child care else where.

First you need to decide how you and your husband want to discipline your child. I really love the advice of Jo Frost from Supernanny. I bought her book and it really helped. I don't like spanking either, unless it is for something really severe like running in the street, to shock them out of doing it again. But Jo believes in no spanking at all. She uses the time out chair/corner/whatever. Since your daughter is 3 years old she should sit for 3 minutes. First you give a warning then when they do it again you place them in time out and tell them why you put them there. Afterwards they need to apologize for what they did and then you give hugs and tell them you love them. If they get up you put them back with no comments, every time until them stay there.

Once you and your husband are comfortable with a discipline method you choose, share that with your relative and let them know that is how you want it handled and remind them that you do not agree with spanking. Gook Luck!

This is your child and when you don't like something that someone else is doing, you need to speak up. You should NEVER feel uncomfortable about speaking up when it comes to your children!!! You and your husband should both talk to this individual.

Hi J.,

Although your daughter is being watched by someone else, she is still your daughter. I imagine you wouldn't leave her with a daycare facility that believed in spanking. Perhaps you and your husband can come up with an alternative punishment that you can discuss with your inlaw. That would create a consistent punishment for both houses which would be easier for your daughter to deal with. Let them know that you don't want her to be spanked. They should respect your boundaries as parents. Good luck!

No no no. Not acceptable. You and your husband need to speak with this person.

I've found when my daughter is acting sassy and having tantrums it is because she is not being heard, or needs some extra love and attention. Sounds like in this case your daughter may have been overtired and frustrated. With my daughter we also have to make sure she eats some protein once in a while, or her nerves get pretty raw.

Hi J.,

Not only is spanking is not an effective way of dealing with parenting issues, but it is also damaging to a child's healthy sense of self. You need to make sure that your child is not spanked- by anyone.

I know the parent-child power struggle is a difficult issue to deal with. The key to remember is that is one person 'wins' (parent OR child), then really both people 'lose'. There IS a more effective way to handle these issues. I work with parents to give the tools for raising cooperative, compassionate and respectful kids. If you would like more information, you can reach me through my website www.GilaBrown.com

Be well,
G. Brown, M.A.

Hi J.:
You've received some excellent responses, so I'll be brief.
Your child depends on you,to protect her,and stand by her, in good and bad times. Even at this young age,you teach her the meaning of Loyalty,and integrity, standing firm by your beliefs.I wish you and your beautiful daughter the best.J. M

It is a privilege to be entrusted with the care of the child. You would expect the person who is doing it for money to follow your views on child rearing. Don’t let anybody, even family member who is doing it for “free” do to your child what you would not let any stranger do. Remember you are trusting them with your child. They should trust you with the way this child will be raised. If the argument is I do it for “free” hence I can do what I feel like – reconsider “free” – if the issue becomes something you worry about, you are paying with your health – the most dear price to pay.
Good Luck
V.

In-law or no in-law, relative or not, it's your kid...people have to follow your rules with your child. It's up to you to make sure that happens. You need to muster what you have to have that conversation and make it clear that's not ok with you and your husband. It's worth the hurt feelings...

-M