Family Dilemma

Dear K.,
I to had twins from invitro. At the age of 42. I would never in my life tolorate anyone saying such mean horrible things like that. Let alone the baby's grandmother. I am also a grandmother of 3 with 2 more on the way and never would have said anything so horrible about any of them even before the birth. My grandchildren are all from my daughters. One is a step child from my son in laws previous life, but consider her my grandchild also. Anyways, I was there for the birth of my other 2 grandchildren and will be there for the birth this oct and next jan for the birth of my other 2 grandchildren. I also had a c-section and would of wanted my mom to stay and help me after not my mother in law. Though she was nothing like what you are dealing with. I also think that my daughters want me there for them and not their mother in laws. A daughter needs her mom not her mom in law. Maybe if you explain to your husband that you are going to go through alot and a girl needs her mommy no matter how old she is, not her mother in law he might understand. If your mother in law has daughters she should understand, if not it will be tough.
Good Luck - Hope this helps. Let me know how you make out - K.

Hi K.,

After being in labor allday, I ended up delivering via Caesarian. It went really well, and I had no problems. Still, there are restrictions, and the newness of the motherhood experience that makes me sure that you'll really appreciate the help - even if your mother-in-law is a bit of a challenge. That said, too much help will make you crazy and help for a short period can make you feel forgotten.
My in-laws live nearby, but my parents flew in. All were at the hospital when my baby arrived, but they weren't around much during the rest of my hospital stay, and I was worried about my parents being bored, thus, my husband got split in two. I was so glad that my parents stayed for a week after I came home. When they left, my hubby was back to work, and I felt really lonely, and a bit lost. While the baby slept, I wanted to do the things that needed doing, but most were against doc's orders. Thus, I was glad for the visits of my in-laws, even if all they did was hold the baby and ignore me. It made me feel good that they thought she was so special, and it gave me a bit of company.
Based on my experience, my thought is to tell your mother in law that you want her to come for a week, or some tolerable amount of time. Tell her that you also want your mom to come for a week, but you want them one after another. Tell her that your mom is coming from the 29th for a week, and if she could come after that you'd be in heaven. You won't be able to drive, and stairs are tough, you'll need laundry done & cooking, and vacuuming because your doc won't let you do it and your husband will be busy/working. Tell her you'll have a special Christmas with her when she arrives, and it will give her one-on-one time with her granddaughter, her son, and you! And, by the way, maybe have your mom come after Christmas so you and your hubby and share this last one together. And don't forget, you won't be released from the hospital for 3 or 4 days, so any of that time that someone is in town will not benefit you (or them) too much. Trust me when I say you won't want visitors in your room 24/7, and you'll have discomfort and will likely be tired. There will be so much activity in the hospital with nurses and docs always checking you and/or the baby, you won't get very rested, and you won't be up to entertaining in your room. (You could also consider having your MIL come first, so 4 days that she's there, you'll be in the hospital and won't have to deal with her much:-)

I totally understand where your coming from! And it is a little odd coming from a nurse that IVF isn't natural? BUt i want to say that, 1, it's your house! 2, your the one whose pregnant, so i think that what you say goes. You don't need negative people around you during the holidays or for the birth of your child for that matter. Whether this is your first or tenth baby, it's still a happy time and you still need the love and support from everyone who cares for you. It doesn't seem like you mom in law does. and shame on your husband for letting her say those things to you or about the situation in which your baby was conceieved. Some people wish they could be that lucky. and with her being an ob nurse, you would think she knew that! but anyways, i think that if she really wants to be there, tell her to stay at a hotel, and explain to her that none of her comments or attitude will be tolerated. This isn't about her. you need to concentrate on being healthy and well before and after the baby is born.... and your husband needs to be more considerate.... you have alot to deal with and i feel for ya. my ex mother in law was the same way, and that's one of the reason's she is now an ex :) "the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree..."

Sounds like you have the "mother-in-law" horrors! Lol. Is this your first? I went through a similar situation with my first pregnancy. My mother lived in a different state at the time and was unable to be there for either of my baby's births. For my first child, I had my husband and my best friend. My mother-in-law was not invited. What she DID do, however, was camp out at the hospital and wouldn't leave my room until my best friend made her!! I was exhausted, in alot of pain, and didn't want to chat. Once I did deliver, she was in my room within 10 minutes of delivery and she hogged the baby! My husband felt bad asking her for the baby, so my best friend (thank God for her!) took her from my m-i-l and told her that it was mommy and daddy time and she once again had to leave for a while. She remained at the hospital for the entire time I was there!! I was SO tired because I couldn't sleep with her in the room and I hardly held my own baby because "she was the grandma." It was an awful experience, SO, the second time around, I made it very clear to EVERYONE that my husband was the only one allowed in my room before, during, and after delivery. I asked her not to come to the hospital until we were ready for her! She didn't listen and showed up right after we did, but I stuck to my word and she didn't come in at all before, and we made her stay out in the lobby for about an hour or so afterwards so we could have OUR family time. She was a little annoyed, but she got over it.

You and your hubby have to come up with a compromise! It's important that a woman's momma be with her....and he should understand that. But, he wants his mom to be part of it too! So, maybe you can have her in the room right before and let her be the first one to hold the baby right after she's brought to you in your room. If she doesn't understand, that's too bad. It's YOUR family, your child and your rules.

Good Luck!! And just for a happy future, try to tolerate your m-i-l for your kids sake! She needs to be present in their lives. Also, by establishing rules (sticking to your guns) and enforcing them RIGHT AWAY! your m-i-l will know that you mean business when you tell her the way you want it! If she doesn't, well God bless you!!

First thing,
I suggest that you relax, there is no easy or painless way out� besides the previously stated �stay at a hotel option,� you could take it upon YOURSELF to make that needed call. Invite her to come and stay after the holidays, It would take the heat of your hubby; giving you a happy Holliday.( being a NURSE of sorts� she should understand the need for a stress free birth. )

You are the one who needs to feel comfortable. Not only are you going to have a beautiful new baby to adjust to but it is also going to be hectic enough because of the holidays. This ais a special time for you and you only want possitive surrounding you and your family and your mother-in-law obviously has some issues. Don't feel bad. Do what is best for you and do what is going to make you and your new baby comfortable. Besides you have your mom and that is enough. The tension will just add stress. It's not your mother-in-laws special delivery it's yours.
As for the way that you concieved I think it is a beautiful thing. Thankfully woman have these options.
So congradulations and again worry about you and your new baby.
Hope this helps.

K.,

I am a Doula and I caution you against having any disruption like that right after a birth. Your mother in law probably realizes that you wouldn't want her there and that could be why she is acting so nice. A girl needs her mother when she has her babies, and certainly not the stress of a mother in law that is not loving towards her or polite towards her mother. You are also going to need help and your mother would be the one to help you, your mother in law may not.

Is this your first child? I'm curious as to why you are having a c-section.

Blessings,
K.

To honest with you everyone should be considering your feelings before anything . Your mom and mother in law need to put their differences aside and stand by you and your husband. This is great thing happening and it is around the holidays. They both need to grow up for your sake, your husband and the new baby.

First of all, you and your husband are a family. The two of you need to sit down and without getting into conflict discuss the issue. Both of you are the parents of this child, however, you are the one undergoing surgery (which is what a c section is). Both mothers should be treated equally no matter what your personal feelings or how they act. I don't think either of you should dicatate the solution
Some of the options suggested are excellent:
1. neither comes
2. both stay in hotels
3. what are the holidays about besides family.
Whatever your decision, you and your husband need to agree on the solution.
I would also suggest hiring a postpartum doula who can run a little interference after the baby is born

____@____.com of central new jersey.com

K.,
This is going to be a hard transistion for all of you! While I didn't have to go through that (my kids were adopted), I have had some inlaw diffuculties as well.
Maybe the best thing to try here is asking both Moms to stay at local hotels for a few days before the birth to allow you and your husband some alone time before the baby. Since your Mother-in-law has already volunteered to stay with the other kids while you give birth, take her up on that graciously. When you come home, even though you think there will be some tension, allow them to dote over you and the baby. You'll be in pain and tired, too, so that will give you a break. Be firm when it is your time with the baby, however, and ask for some privacy when needed. Both Moms will need to learn how to work out their time with you as you will all be a family for a long time. Try to enjoy Christmas and your new little one. Congratulations!!

my personal opinion would be to simply consider you & the baby..so to avoid anyone becoming a favorite or singled out i think neither one of the moms should be there...simply have yyou & your husband...then afterwards the two "children" can come later therefore being no stress at leats during that extremely difficult time...i just think it needs to be remembered how serious a c-section is & that it should not be taken lightly....you certainly dont need anything else adding to it....if they both cant be there then neither of them should be there...for you & your baby's safety...

Hi K.... i am in the same boat, except my mother lives out of state and my mother in law lives 45 minutes away. My mother in law can be very difficult and even said some hurtful things to me while I was pregnant with my first, second and 3rd child! Never the less, I pushed for my mother to come and my mother in law "understood" that I needed my mother.
Maybe you can ask both of them to come, but stagger visitations. Tell them that they are both welcome to come, but maybe ask if they can both rent hotels. I know that sounds kind of rude, esp. for the holidays, but you do need peace and Christmas is supposed to be a joyous celebration, and even greater, a birth of a new one is even more! This is a gift that you and your husband should both cherish and enjoy. Have your mom go with you to the hospital and while she is with you, ask your mother in law to go to your house to watch your other kids. You can accomodate both mothers, but just try to also let your mother and mother in law know that it is not about them, but about you as your family welcomes the newest addition. Explain to them that you want both of them (even your mother in law as you grind your teeth!) there for the birth of your baby and when you come home, they can visit at different times. As for the actual holidays, x-mas and new years, they will just have to grow up and act civil to each other. They should know better, for the sake of you and your baby girl. Baby girl can feel the tension, too! even when still in your womb. You need to be comfortable for the sake of your baby. I used to feel stressed when with my mother in law that my pregnant body would ache literally! You need to feel safe and free to welcome baby girl into this world. Everything else should be as peaceful as possible!
I hope all works out. I know that it is hard with mothers and in laws, but your family comes first! Good luck! J..

K.
my son and daughter in law are expecting thier first in dec, her mom and i get along just fine, but i totally understand that my daughter in law would want her mom there ahead of me, she wants her mom in the delivery room and as much as i would love to be there i am not the first choice, i understand that and my day will come when one of my daughters are having a baby, maybe even though your mother in law is very difficult maybe she just might understand and if she doesnt then it is her problem and not yours, this should be a happy day for you and your husband, but since you are the one pregnant your needs should come first, good luck to you, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A NEW WONDERFUL BABY....ENJOY!!!

Hello K.,
First I would like to say to you that its nice to meet you. The response that I can give is that maybe you and your husband sould just keep the birth between you and him. My husband and I did it on our own and it work out so well. After she was born and about a month old we went on vacation to visit all the relatives and each set of parents than got to meet their grand child. The reason I suggest this is because the first month is so important for you and your husband to bond with the baby. This bonding time will make you and him very close to the baby. It will also bring a closeness to your relationship and no one has to feel left out or pit over.
By choosing your mother over his will set resentment in motions and than all your relationships will suffer either between yourself and your husband. Step away from the outside infulences and bring your interal family together. You your husband and baby. This is the best way and you wont regret it trust me. It work well.
Too help you out with understanding your mother in law you have to look at it lightly because sometime people make jokes or wierd comment when they don't understand or tring to handal something that makes them uncomfortable. No one should jugde someone else on any things people should take the time to understand one another. You have a lot of work ahead of yourself because you need to be the bigger person since it is your husband mother. Try to understand why she said the things she does and dont respond by telling your mother cause that is just going to cause more of a devider between your families and than over time that can cause divorces.

Wow, first of all, you are going to need lots of space for recovery, a c-section is major surgery! You definitely don't need the tension in addition to the Holiday season to add to your stress. You should be thoroughly enjoying your time with your new little one. It might be hard, but do what feels right to you. If you only want your mother there, have her there. Your in-laws should respect your wishes (although it sounds like your mother-in-law will probably be unreasonable with this idea). Let them know it will be better to come and visit when you have all had time to adjust to the new little one! With today's technology, you can e-mail pictures almost instantly after the birth. Be firm, do what's best for YOU and your new family. This is your time now! My husband is in the same boat (my mother-in-law can be quite unreasonable, luckily, they live 3,500 miles away!) but he can never stand up to his mother. So you might have to be the one to set the ground rules. Good Luck and Congratulations!

O.K. here's the thing. After a c-section your not allowed to do anything. Your not suppose to go up and down stairs, drive a car, do anything except hold the baby for 2 weeks. And after having a c-section, your not going to be up for anything more then that either. Tell your husband that spreading out their visits would be better for you help wise. This way once he's back to work (if he's taking time off) you still have help at home for the first month and all you have to worry about is taking care of the baby. If they are there at the same time then when everyone leaves your all alone trying to adjust. I had help for the first 4 weeks after my c-section. Then I had a week or 2 to myself then my sister flew in for a month. You have to remember, you are recovering from major abdominal surgery, a c-section is not minor. You will need as much help as you can get for as long as you can. Tell your hubby that your mom will take the first 2 weeks and his mom can have the next 2 after that, because the longer you have help the better it will be for your recovery. If she's a nurse she should understand that, however something tells me she won't get it.

I did deal with this situation. Me and my mother in law did not get along so I told her that my mother and my husband were going to be there for the birth. When they decided on a C-Section only my husband went in and my mother stayed in the room. Then my husband called his mother after the birth and let her and his grandmother visit a while and when I decided I was tired he asked them to leave. Ask you mother to be understanding for you because your MIL will not be. That might help you out. There is no way not to hurt anyones feelings if you ask one not to come. Just be honest and communicate with your mother and you husband about your feelings and helping you out with your MIL.

What about explaining to both moms that since it is going to be a crazy time and all with both Christmas and the new baby coming, that you just want to have your husband and your other children to have a quiet holiday, then have them come after you get home and settle in. We lived about 1200 miles away from both of our families when I had my 2 youngest kids (i have a girl and 2 boys--the youngest) and had a c-section with my youngest. My sister in law (who was 14 at the time) came down a couple of days before I had my youngest (who is 11now) and helped out (that was in July) then my mom came in October to visit. It is very hard to be put in the middle like that and neither one of those mothers seem to understand that. It almost appears as if they want to be the "first". And it is not just the stress of what is going to happen before hand, but the stress when you get home from the hospital. After having a c/s you are not going to jumpy and jovial and having a rocking new years party, you are going to be tired and sore, and you definitely don't need mental stress ontop of physical stress. ____@____.com

WOW, and i thought i had it rough with my x in law, damn girl god bless ya!!!! Well my advice is to tell your mother in law that there are some nice hotles near your house that she would be very comfortable staying in. Also as far as the whole hospital thing, well all in all it's your body, and if you want your mom there, and not your mother in law, it's your final choice (not to sound to mean to your hubby cause it's his child to). as far as the whole Chirstmas thing I would like to say that maybe your mom too could stay in a hotel ( if you explained to her that it's going to be to rough on you she might be willing to do this for you), The family's first christmascould even be at a resturant for dinner ( a lot of places are open you just need to call to make reservations) If you can get through this christmas, which you will cause YOUR the one that's pregnant and YOU WILL WIN!!, every year after this one will be a piece of cake. As far as your mother in law being at the hospital when you have the baby, WHY does she want to be there? It's not to support you, or your husband becasue if she was going to be supportive she wouldn't have said the things she said about the proceedure to get pregnant in the first place.The only other reason for her to be there would to make sure that the baby only had one head, and the hospital's take picture's now of "freshly" born newborns, so send her a picture!! Your husband needs to understand that you need to "chill out", and he needs to step up to the plate and tell his mom to back off a little. I wish you all the luck, and don't worry the baby will NOT have two heads or four feet ( if the baby does, becareful because mommy in law will take the credit for that and want all the money from the movie, lol).Let me know how everything goes.

K.,

Bottom line is this...you need to recover from a C-Section, and everyone needs to understand that not only is it about the baby its also about you and your recovery. I had a C-Section and everyone wanted to visit me at the hospital and quite frankly, I wasn't up to it. I was in pain, tired, stressed out and my son was in the special care nursery, so he wasn't even allowed in my room. I think your MIL should understand and if you tell her that you need some time to recover, and would prefer not having everyone staying at your house at the same time, and it would be helpful if she could be there the follwing week to help you out.. Good Luck!!

S.

K.,
First off, Congratulations on your baby. That is the foremost important thing to remember here. You are having a baby, by c-section, and you will need time to adjust to all of that. I think the only thing I would suggest to do, so no one gets hurt would be to ask the mother in law to wait like she suggested, or ask them all to stay in a hotel while they are there. This way if they are all in hotel rooms, they won't be able to fight around you. You can set up certain visit times by suggesting it would just be too much on you and your new baby to have everyone there at one time. Just remember that you and your baby are hte ones who need to come first...IF feelings are hurt, They'll get over it. And if htey don't...it's their loss not yours. I hope everything works out for you guys so you can enjoy and relax around the holidays, and especially your little ones arrival. Keep me posted hon. You are more than welcome to email me to vent if you'd like, at ____@____.com. I'll listen to anything you need to get out hon...this is a time for you and your baby....not worrying about your mother in laws feelings.

Hello K.,

A friend of mine went through the same thing, and she had both in-laws stay at a hotel. They arrived at the hospital for the times, etc., and then back to their destinations. It's sad that these two women, who also gave birh themselves, do not have any sort of compassion in understanding that they are coming together to experience a life coming into this world. Alot of people take for granted the simplest things in life, and they bicker and argue. There are so many people in this world who are unfortunate to have family. They should be grateful that they even have grandchildren; a friend of mine's daughter had a still birth the first time around, and the second time, after 4 months, she miscarried. My friend is devastated because she wants SO BAD to be a grandmother. She said whenever she sees mothers walking around with their children who are yelling at them, she shakes her head. Or when she hears stories similiar like this, she shakes her head. Perhaps mention that to them, if they have compassion, they would understand how grateful they should be to even hand grandchildren to continue the family lineage.

Good luck!

K. that is a rough situation i think you and your husband need to sit them both down and have a discussion about the behavior that is expected from you and your husband and let them know they need to be adults until they leave or you may have yo be fair and not let either of them come, they really just need to be adults and act appropriatly for you and the baby, at anyrate good luck Im due Nov 20th with my 3rd baby I wish you luck on your battle!

Hi K. - first of all I give you alot of credit for dealing so calmly with your mother in law, so koodos to you ! Second of all I had 2 c-sections myself and know what you will go thur after the birth and it is not fun. It took me a good week before I felt better and able to do a lot of things. You do not need her sarcasm when dealing with your recovery that is for sure. Third, what about putting your mother in law in a hotel. That would be my option. If she does not like it, that is just the way it would be if I was in your shoes. And just tell everyone to ADJUST ! You can't please everyone all the time. For whatever it is worth, I hope everything goes well. Good luck .

Hello K.:

Congratulations on a successful IVF pregnancy!! I am a mother of 4 1/2 year old amazing and very smart twin daughters and I also went through the IVF process in order for me to get pregnant. Unfortunately, we live in a world were some people just don't understand and will never grasp the idea of having to conceive through advanced medical technology. However, it is a true blessing so try to remember that you are TO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED!

Although this might be a harsh reality for you and your husband, but your not going to want to share your kisses and hugs with anyone other than your husband and your new baby. I know every mother who gives birth looks at there baby with such unconditional love and a connection beyond there wildess dreams. But something special really happens once you go through IVF and give birth...it is a connection that you in your husband are going to be in awe with and at times, you won't even understand the love you have because it is so deep. You both have been blessed with a miracle of life and there isn't anything in this world that will ever equal up to the birth and quality of time together as a family unit. It is also important to understand that your husband also went through a difficult time as well and you can't leave him out of the process of sharing that bonding experience. Your life and your husbands life will never be the same K. so take each moment to share and bond with your husband instead of arguing about mothers you are both trying to please. So my point is both mothers need to stay home and invite them after the new year....one at a time. Also you will need time to recover from the c-section because it is a major operation and you are going to be exhausted but you will be able to handle the pain with or withour your mother or outside help present....So don't think for a moment that you cannot handle the pain because when that little bundle of joy cries because he or she is hungry you will climb to high heavens to make sure he or she is comforted with your love and your husbands love...and yes you are also going to want and feel your husbands warm arms wrapped around w/o anyone being around all the time.

When I had my twin daughers, my husband and I were living in Los Angeles at the time and my family and his family with the exception of a few cousins all lived on the East Coast. I was hospitalized for preclampsia starting at 28 weeks and remained in the hospital until I gave birth at 35 weeks, 12/3/01. Although there were times when I wished my mother and my entire was with me us, I also understood that it was important for my husband and I to develop and share each others company without outside influences who often have comments about everything related to becoming a new mother. One of twins remained in the hospital while the other one was @ home...yes it was a very difficult and exhausting time but my husband and I become a team that could withstand anything and the bond we developed was amazing. So when Xmas came, we put up our first Xmas tree while living in Los Angeles and we placed our tiny little twin daugthers under the tree wrapped in red velvet suit and cried tears of joy....

Once the sleep deprivation sets in, and you are healing nicely and up for confrontation and pure negativity, (because there will be moments that you want to unleash) it is time to deal with your mil nasty and crude comments by telling her to her face to back the heck up and that you will no longer allow and tolerate such negativity to be part of your household and let her have it sweetie!! (only when you are ready) Maybe you should record some of her outlandish remarks and play them back so she can see her reflection in the mirror for the first time and see how silly she sounds especially coming from a grown women....!!!! LOLLLLLLL

Good Luck and congratulatins again on a success IVF Pregnancy!!!

i wrote you a personal message....