18 answers

Family - El Cerrito,CA

Okay, I have a 20 year old daughter and a 17 years old son still living at home. My husband and I were invited to my mother in laws for dinner on Sunday. Actually we go every Sunday and on holidays like Memorial day, Labor day, 4th of July....etc. She lives a couple of blocks away from us. Well my husband and I said we would be there, but we didn't check with the young adults. So on Sunday I was letting them know we were going to grandmas for dinner they didn't want to go. My son had plans already and my daughter just didn't want to go because she had a late lunch and wanted to stay home. Well my husband blew up, had a complete melt down. Saying they should go because grandma is getting old and likes to visit with them. He threatened not to pay their cell phone bills anymore, said he wouldn't pay for my son's hair cuts or pick him up from football practice. Called me a bunch of horrible names because I said they didn't have to go. In the end everyone was upset my husband left to his mothers early to complain about how awful my kids are. But we go every Sunday, I didn't think missing one dinner would cause such a war. What are your thoughts?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

As I am reading through the responses I realized I forgot to say they are our children. Yes they are his and mine I guess I always say my kids, but they are both of ours. I am relieved that I am not alone on that if they miss a dinner it's not the end of the world. To the one response about how come I don't cook dinner for my mother in law, it's because she won't let me she is very stubborn. We have invited her to our house for dinner on several occasions and she says no. She insists on cooking and if I even bring a dish she gets upset. It's not only my family that goes to dinner on Sundays my sister in law and her husband go also. My daughter is in college and isn't working so she has no money to pay for her cell phone and I help my husband pay for the kids phone we split the cost, as I work full time as well as him. I will talk to my husband and my mother in law when they have cooled down. Although I just received a call from my mother in law saying she's still upset with my daughter and compared her to her other grand daughter and how she wont' help her with a ride or anything. So she's still upset and I feel has over reacted just like my husband.

Featured Answers

Sounds like a major overreaction to me. 17 and 20 yr olds have a social life too.

It is not like they NEVER go see grandma and spend time with her. It is not like grandma flew in from cross country to visit everyone, etc.

I think Grandma and hubs should lighten up.

3 moms found this helpful

They are buttfaces! (buttface came from another post LOL)

Seriously tho.... jerks! Tell them the world does not revolve around them!

More Answers

I think being expected to be there every Sunday and for holidays is very controlling for MIL. You and your husband need to get on the same page and personally I think it is a bit much. The kids don't want to go...and shouldn't be forced to go...especially the adult daughter. I would feel a little differently if this was an every so often occasion...not a weekly basis...seriously that is over the top for expectations. I know families that meet weekly for Sunday dinner and I think that is special...but there are no expectations for people to be there every week. It is an open invitation for all. I think that is more healthy. MIL should not dictate what rules you have for your home...but it seems like your hubby doesn't want to make his mommy mad so he complies.

I think there are other issues here. It is not normal to be expected at the inlaws every week and holidays. Maybe try to compromise with your hubby and ask kids to attend once a month...or at least show up once a month to say hello and make the rounds then head out the door...since you live so close. The kids are gonna push and rebel if the relationship is forced..especially as they get older.
Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Are these your kids or his kids too? I think if it is something that happens on a weekly basis that it shouldn't be a big deal that they are growing up and getting their own lives. If they still go on a fairly regular basis, I dont see the big deal in them missing it one time.

4 moms found this helpful

Sounds like a big overreaction from your husband. He didnt have to get his feathers ruffled over one dinner, and unless they were disrespectful and said something about their Grandparents then he was out of line.

I understand what he is talking about on some level about his parents getting older, and taking advantage of the time you do get to spend with them, but if you are going to their house and visiting regularly then it shouldnt have been a problem.

Maybe he is stressed about something, or something else upset him earlier that you dont know about. Try asking him later after he cools down and see what is going on. Might be more to the story.

Best wishes

3 moms found this helpful

Its an excessive reaction, but I'm confused too. You say "my" kids a few times, so is hubby step-dad? If so, did it occur to you that maybe he felt that the "young adults" not wanting to go to grandmas was a snub to him? (even if he is the biological father, he could feel this way). I would think that you or hubby would have informed the 17 year old of the dinner plans when he asked for permission to make plans.. either ways, you should sit with hubby today and asked him why he was so upset. Did he feel shafted? Did he believe his mother was disrespected? Let him know that you want to understand his feelings, but he cannot blow up at you and call you mean names just because he's upset. Sunday dinners could be very important to him for many reasons. Then speak to the kids (yes, they're kids, especially since they don't pay their own bills) and inform them that every Sunday is grandma dinner day, and that it is a standing date. If there is something else that is coming up, if they can let you know so that you can inform grandma that she doesn't need to cook for them. Stress that grandma is getting older and enjoys their visits, so it would be nice for them to go.

I have a friend in her late 20's that goes to grandmas every Sunday for dinner, with her husband and daughter in tow. All of her aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and families go. Its a tradition that started when she was a kid. I think its awesome, and now her little girl will have many memories of her great grandma after she is gone.

3 moms found this helpful

I kind of feel like they should have known what to expect as you go every Sunday. Why would they not go or think they would not go?
But at the same exact time that is no excuse for your husband to call you names or scream at the kids.

All 3 were wrong in this case, in my opinion.
Also, thank you for explaining the 20 yr old, I was kind of weirded out by the "paying for their phones" when one is 20.

3 moms found this helpful

Sounds like a major overreaction to me. 17 and 20 yr olds have a social life too.

It is not like they NEVER go see grandma and spend time with her. It is not like grandma flew in from cross country to visit everyone, etc.

I think Grandma and hubs should lighten up.

3 moms found this helpful

Are they your kids or his or both?
You referred to them as "my kids..." and that your Husband complained to his Mom about "how awful my kids are..."

They are adult age children.
They were not told, ahead of time, about the dinner.
You both said, that you and your Husband would attend.
No mention was made of the kids, going or if they were invited.
The kids, were told at the last minute.
They already had plans.
They can attend next time... and be forewarned, about it ahead of time.

You said, you go to MIL's every Sunday and on holidays. So, there WILL be the opportunity for ALL of you to go, again, with the kids.

This is not their fault. Because, you/Hubby did not tell them, about the dinner. Ahead of time.

Your Husband should not be calling you horrible names.
He was mad at himself. Blaming you. And the kids.
He SHOULD have, told everyone ahead of time, about his expectations.
No one can read his mind.

3 moms found this helpful

You go every Sunday, which would imply that your kids go every Sunday and should expect to go every Sunday. But they waited until right before you were going to leave to say they don't want to go? Of course they shouldn't have to go, but if it is customary for them to go and they are expected, they should make sure that everyone knows well ahead of time that they are making alternate plans.

2 moms found this helpful

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