Fallen Head over Heals

I've got a few more years before I have to deal with a teenager, but I hope that my son feels comfortable enough to talk to me about girls that he likes when he gets that age. I think you're a lucky mom whose daughter can talk to you about that stuff. I have a 14 year old neice that won't say one word to her mother about boys, but she'll talk the ear off of my mother-in-law. Good luck though. sorry I couldn't offer any advice

The best thing you can do is stay opened minded and open "earred". If she sense you dislike him or don't want to talk about him, she might be reluctant to dicuss details with you. Keeping the communication open is the best thing!

Do you not remember being a teenager? This too shall pass. Really it will. Is her father in her life. I hate to go psyco-babble on you but if she wants to "connect" that badly with a boy she may have serious daddy issues.

Hi J.,
I am really gonna try not to sound harsh and mean but honestly.Do know how many mothers there are out there that are just dying for their daughters to let them in their lives. For them to just tell them 1 little thought, or one little feeling or moment they had that day.

I think you are at a very IMPORTANT crossroad with your daughter and this is a fine line to walk. If you don't listen to her "rambling" on about him and really listen even when you don't want to, you will shut the door on her ever coming to you again, about anything. She is gonna feel if she can't come to you about the small, unimportant stuff then how can she come to you about the BIG, IMPORTANT stuff.

On the other hand if you just sit and listen and truely listen to her she will know that she can come to you. In my opinion I wouldn't say anything to her about whether he likes her in the same way or not. I keep the conversation with her about her and role she plays in her life and with what she is feeling.

Let me tell you a story...I was 14 yrs old and head over heels for this boy, couldn't tell the difference from night and day, we spent every waking moment on the phone together, every weekend we were together, we were like peas and carrots. If we weren't on the phone we were together and when we were not together we were on the phone. But one day I went to talk to my mother about how I was feeling about this boy, what were these "feelings", what was going on with me, why was I so infatuated with him, all of these things just like your daughter. And do you know what happened.....my mother totally dismissed my feelings and what I was talking about and told me "I was about as human as a frog", from that day forward I never told my mother another thing that I was feeling, what was going on with my life. As far as I was concerned she didn't care what I had to say and didn't want to hear it. What happened next I was 16 and pregnant.

I'm not saying this will happen with your daughter but what I am saying is that my mother missed a very important conversation with me.
And if you think like this with your daughter you will miss a very important conversation with your daughter, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but it may be when she is 18, mayber 22, maybe 26, it might even be the very first real boyfriend and date she goes on or it may even have to do with this very boy, who knows.

But to want her to stop talking about him, is like telling my 1 yr old to quit learning how to talk.
You know we as parents play a very important role with our kids, whether it be when they are 1 or when they are 14, you are laying the ground work everyday that you don't really take the time to listen to her, one day she will realize (if you keep going like this), why should Isay anything she doesn't listen to me anyways, I'll just tell someone who will listen or I'll just keep it to my self.

Anyway I guess thats enough of my ranting about this, but please take into consideration about what you are saying and what you are wanting, W.

As a mom who had two daughters, one who chattered on and on about everything, and one who was very secretive, I say do your level best to pretend you are VERY interested. Her eagerness to share with you is a blessing, and if you encourage it now by laughing with her, smiling at her stories and making her feel that these moments which seem critically important to her are also very important to you, then she'll keep coming to you throughout these difficult upcoming teen years.

By the way, my "sharer" is now 24 and still shares. She calls me from the supermarket and talks through her purchase choices, and it is everything I can do to count my blessings while I listen to that boring stuff. But the other one, 22, calls me about every five days if I'm lucky, and sometimes I have to call her to say "hey, are you alive? I'm still here, and I still love you."

Try not to forget what it was like to be a 14 year old girl. This is an important time to encourage and maintain good communication and teach her how she should expect to be treated by boys. Sex education is a very important opportunity here. I was already sexually active at this age, my parents didn't talk to me about sex at all. Just "don't do it cause I said so"! Perhaps you were not like that her a teenager, but it sounds like typical behavior. Glad to hear she's got a crush on such a nice boy. Enjoy it while you can.

Hello J., my name is J. and I'm too a single parent raising a 15yrs teen daughter. I truly understand the stress of what you're going thru in many ways. With my daughter, she and I are very close and she shares everything with me as we have really good communication between us. I understand the talking around the clock thing sorta speak. But think of it this way...I would rather know what is going thru her mind and know what is happening and anwser questions she has, than going to another teen to get answers becuase my mom is tired of hearing about him all the time. I'm too going thru the boyfriend thing and they are both sophomores. It should make you feel good that she wants to share her feelings with you and talk to you about him rather than close down when it comes to sharing.

Try to remember what it was like when we had our first crush and/or first love. How it made us feel...Im smiling thinking back of my own and I was just as excited as our girls are too. Soon it should pass over and she will not be sooooo gitty just real happy. I have told my daughter in one of our many daughtr/mom talks to respect yourself and don't be so quick to want to push yourself into emotions you're not just ready to handle. If your guy really cares/loves you then he will not psuh you into something your not ready for and if he does push and won't stop or show respect of your feelings then he's not worth the time of day as he is in it for the sex. Let her know that he may not feel ready himself and and that's a good thing and it does not mean he does not care or attracted to her, it to me shows he does care and is trying to do things right and take it slow not messing things up. I give him Kudos!!!!

My mom went thru the same with me and I look back now and I'm sooo gretful she was there and listened and showed interest in me as that made our daughter/mama bond even closer. My house was grand-central station with boys all the time and the stories she and myself could tell...fun and speical stories and tons of memories. Man, I was a good kid and respected myself but still alot of guys was at my house. Later she will look back and thank you for being there like you're doing now. If you get tired just change the subject on to something else without her knowing it. Good luck and remember you're blessed to have a daughter who wants to share her feelings and thoughts with you. There's alot of moms that will read this and wished they had that....so good luck!!! J.

Remember what it was like to be in high school......that guy that just made your toes curl and your stomach flutter when he looked at you or bumped up against you.....that's what she is probably going through. PUPPY LOVE......remember how great the crushes were. Put yourself in her shoes and then add your knowledge of "been there done that" and be sensitive to her feelings. don't say something to make her not want to share with you. This is a vulnerable time for the both of you. you are a privlidged parent whose child is keeping the communication lines open. Too many of our teens are keeping important info from their parents. Whatever words you choose to talk to your daughter, choose them carefully so she knows she can trust you with her thoughts and feelings without judgement from you. She has to spread her wings sometime and see if she can fly and learn sometimes we crash and take our hearts with us. If you are confident in the job you did raising her and teaching her values and how to respect herself and have given her strength, you should have not much to worry about. Remind her that he may not feel the same way toward her , but value the friendship they have and you don't want her heart to be broken.....that's happened to all of us. Sometimes the guys just want that "girl" friend they can talk to as well and he may value that very much.....and when boyfirends /girlfriends break up...friendships usually do not last. Teach her the value of having that person in their life....even if it's not they way she wants it...he will love her in a different way, and sometimes that's the best way. True friends.

I know I've babbled on and may not have helped. THose are just my thoughts. I have an 11 year old daughter and I am hoping she will always feel close enough to me to talk about her feelings as well. Good Luck and remeber to always give your daughter hugs when you are done talking....to me it just seals the talk and the trust.

Happy V-day!

It's great your daughter opens up to you. But besides being her confidant, you are also supposed to be her teacher and protector.

Your best method of teaching is by example. Don't live your life any other way than how you want your daughter to live hers.

It's also your job to teach her self-control, right from wrong, and to bring educational and character building opportunities into her life. She should be well-rounded in school activities and recreational opportunities. And the people you bring into your family circle should be of the same high moral character as you should be trying to promote in your daughter.

Unsupervised teens will invariably get into trouble; no matter how "good" kids are. Don't let them be in situations they are not emotionally, medically, financially, or legally (jailbait) - mature enough to handle the consequences.

Explain to your daughter that one-on-one dating is "shopping" for a spouse. When she is emotionally mature, well educated, and financially independent then she will be ready to "shop". Till then, SUPERVISED group activities with boys & girls is the best way to develop & maintain friendships, develop good judgement and self-control, and learn to spot good character traits in herself and others.

There is no good reason kids should waste time - and money - texting. Kids should only use cell phones for emergencies & access to parents & other adult family members. She can keep in touch with friends by limited use of the landline phone.

I COMPLETELY agree with the other posters. At 14 you don't EVER want to shut them out. She needs to feel the freedom to come to you with anything. Don't take for granted that she tells you things... and there may ALWAYS be things she is choosing not to tell you. I know you probably don't want to hear this... but just keep it in mind... I have worked at a Pregnancy Care Clinic for about 10 years now and our most common age group last year to do Pregnancy Testing was ages 13-18. Obviously you don't think this is going on right now... but she is obviously ready to do whatever it would take to get that guy... yeah "he's a good guy". So was my boyfriend at 14. ;) He is still a teenage boy. Be careful with her. It is such a vunerable age. She needs to know you will be there no matter what.

J., your daughter is looking for male attention I would think because she misses her father. I think this is a question for Dr. Laura. She is on the radio station 1510 am from 12:00 noon until 2:00 pm. Also, on the internet--Drlaura.com This is a very serious situation and I'm sure you do not want her to become sexually active for many reasons. Dr. Laura would give you concrete answers to help your daughter.

J.,
Oh lordy!
I have a 14 year old son, what an age! Let her talk as much as she wants, leave that gate open for all of your ears to hear! Don't tell her to stop because you might get what you don't want and that will be, she will not tell you anything. At 14, this is when you really start liking boys more than ever. I wouldn't worry about it so much, except, I wouldn't let her date yet, nice guy or not. Get the book, "How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk", its a great help with teen issues, this is a very stuff time for mom's and teens. I know this isn't exactly what your looking for, but it will help you figure out how to say things, so she will respond better to what you want her to know.
D. E.

I hope this helps, at least as an experience. I am the single mother of a 14 year old boy. I am VERY lucky as his teenage rebellion came in the dancing when nobody told him to ;-)

We came by chance, someone told us about some family place to go eat and watch dances and dance and he thought since, nobody told he had to, he'd tried. He's the head dancer in the group now, a group that involves from 6 year-olds to 75.

I'd like to suggest to see if there's a place where you two can go and hang out, ask her to "please come with you", treat her to a movies go out thing. Get her in some type of place where she doesn't feel obligated to come adn where there will be people and interests other than any specific person. (Arts or dances would be ideal, but sports and cooking fits in too, anything!)

Hope it helps, maybe just as a thought. Good luck!

aren't you lucky she is opening up to you. That means she trusts you. That in its'self is worth the suffering. you know what is going on in the relationship and can give good solid advice. Please for her sake dont discourage her to stop talking about him. Its a crush a young innocent sweet crush. Remember being that young. I do and did not have a mother to open up with and bam teenage prgnancy. So it could be worse. Yep you are a parent and this is the sacrifice you must make. I think you will look back and be grateful you listened. This is called open communication and can help make or break her future male companions. Good luck and God Bless Her.

J. I understand your dilemma. I have a sixteen year old and all she talks about is this new guy. It seems that the more that you say against the individual verbally or nonverbally ( your body language) conveys to your daughter your dislike for the young man. I understand that he's a nice young man. Allow him to participate in some of your family activities. That's when she will begin to cool her heals for the guy if she thinks Mom is really interested. From my experience, when my daughter thought that I thought the guy was okay, it just seemed like the relationship just kind of fizzled away. Try it and let me know how things work out.
G. in K.C.

Goodness gracious. I just had to post after the last one on here. 14-yr-old girls don't fall head over heels for boys because they are lacking a father, they do it because of their hormones! This is perfectly normal!

And I would imagine that her being open to talking to you is FABULOUS! That means she cares about what you think. You WANT your kids to care what you think about things! If they know how you feel (and CARE how you feel) about sex, drugs, grades, etc. they will strive to follow your example.

I'm sure this will fade away soon (or at least she'll get tired of talking about it), so please don't discourage her. If you have to find excuses to change the subject, do it. But don't make it obvious that you don't want to hear what she has to say. It's important to know what's going on in our kids' lives and how they feel about situations they're dealing with.

hahahah! welcome to teenage girls!!! my 16 yr old daughter is a sophomore. and for us, it doesnt matter what you do or say, all she can think about is "the guy". its almost like she is completely obsessed with the idea of being his girl. not necessarily being his girl, but the idea of it. however, rest assured, in a while she'll see someone else and it'll start all over again but w/ someone elses name!! good luck!!

Why would you want her to stop talking about him? I would give anything if my 15 year old would tell me something. It would have made the break-up a year later easier for me to handle. It's great that she feels comfortable enough to share her feelings with you. Remember how it felt to be "in love"? Those are wonderful feelings and you want to tell the world! Let her talk, the newness will eventually wear off and she will definately need you if/when the relationship ends. You don't want her getting advice, or wrong advice, from someone else. Please listen to her! Be thankful that she is talking to YOU!

Venting/talking to one of your friends might help.
Hang in there! This is a tough time for your teen & you!! She needs you!

Just one question. Would you rather your daughter talk about her thoughts and wishes or would you rather she keep everything a secret? If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you, she may stop telling you the things you need to hear.

J., just let her keep talking, ad nauseum! It appears you have her trust and confidence, don't jeopardize that. If the texting is too much, you might want to give her strict parameters on that (I did that with my daughter and it worked quite well). He will either gently or not so gently get her to understand the relationship. Let it happen on its own. And you might explain to her how sometimes if you don't make yourself quite as available, the man might just want you more.

About me: divorced with 13 year old girl

why would you possibly stop her from talking to the young man that may be the one. There are a few cases where couples have meet in school. Just be supportive becasue if it does fall apart she'll need you to be there for her. She's getting to that age that this is going to happen and more often. You should be thanking your lucky stars he doesn't want to go further and respects her, would you rather her be twiterpated with him and them just talk/text or her to be pregnant by him?

Hi J., I had 2 teen daughters, so I know what you are going threw, It is a faze and some time or another the new wears off. Be lucky he is a good kid, My daughter got tangeled up with a boy who lied about his name and family for a whole year.Take care and make sure you comunacate well with your daughter dont be afraid to ask questions, B.

I know I will probably feel differently about this when our daughter hits those teen years, but try to be thankful that she's talking to you. Lots of girls don't feel comfortable talking about their relationships with their moms (I was one of them). Try to remember that this too shall pass and before you know it, these days of teen angst will be over. (I'm sure you felt like she would never sleep through the night when she was a baby, too, but she eventually did.) Best of luck to you!

Looks like you've gotten lots of good solid advice. I would just like to add, it may help for your daughter to have a hobby or sport she enjoys. This will help keep her thoughts and time occupied, and it is attractive to have other interests.

My sister was the same way with ever boy she "fell in love" with. The more my mom pushed her to stop talking about, talking to, etc. the more she would fight back by talking about him more, talking to him more. It was rediculous. If he realy is a good kid, and sticks around, she will be lucky to have him. Not many kids (especially boys) are respectful anymore.

Let her know that you are happy for her being in love, but You want to know more about her day other than just him.

Hope this helps.

Hi J. I have a very special 14 year old in my life to she talks about a certain special person too just let her talk just listen I know it gets boring but at least she can talk to you and you will listen no matter what

You are so fortunate she is talking to you! Appreciate that. Don't discourage the communication. Sounds like he has been raised with morals, talk with her about saving herself. If he is right, it will last. Do you have a church home, youth pastor that could guide your talks?

I would just let her ramble on about him, she is excited and as a MOM you should be excited for her but then at the same time she is only 14 and if this is her first boy crush I'm sure it wont be her last. You can also talk to her about him be all interested at where you think it may go being teenagers. She may be more interested in him than he is of her, and as a MOM let her know that girls mature quicker than boys and he may not be where she is about the whole thing of them being together. He may just see her as a female friend. I am sure their will be days where she will come to you and be crying cuz a boy she liked alot broke her heart, we as parents may not think its a big deal and know there will be another boy later down the road, but teenagers take it hard. Just be there for her and let her be excited. Im sure its a phase and she will be talking about the next boy.

Hope that helps

Dear J.,

I bet there are millions of moms out there who would give anything to have their 14 year olds daughters telling them everything about their "boyfriends". I think you should congratulate yourself that she trusts you enough to tell you about him. And, I hope you are talking to her about the consequences of going all the way.

But, I know how wearing it can be to hear about him 24/7. Maybe you could ask your daughter what his views are on subjects you want to discuss with her and then guide the discussion to what her views are. And you may tell her about your first loves and how you thought about them all the time and talked to them on the phone for hours, etc. Maybe she'll get the idea that this topic is overused.

Seriously, though, be very glad she is talking to you about him. That is a indication you have a good relationship with your daughter.

J., please listen to her! As much as this is paining you, Please listen...You don't want her to talk to someone else and they give her the wrong advice. This time in a young ladies life is crucial...this is the time that she discovers what kind of lady she wants to be...if you just be patient and give her advice(instructions) on how to keep it together & be a lady at all times, show/tell her how to conduct herself...I'M SURE AS A WOMAN YOU HAVE MADE YOUR MISTAKES...weren't there lessons learned...Now you can suggest that she do things differently than you did... Now you can be her BFF/MOM all in 1! young girls/ladies need someone to talk too! Watch the news,these young girls are out here doing all the wrong things, listening to all the wrong people. If he is a good boy & comes from good parents, you all should get together and make sure these babies treat each other right and remain FRIENDS!!!!! Graduate from school,college and then Experience life!!! I am a married mother of 3 boys, but I was once a young girl who had nobody that would listen!

I agree with Sandy. Be thankful that your daughter is sharing these things with you! Especially at 14. If she didn't, you would be left wondering what is really going on-wouldn't you? Take this as an opportunity to get to know your daughter better and spend some quality time with her!