Failed Adoption 2 Years Ago and Dealing with All the Emotions!!!

I COMPLETELY agree with Cathy's statement below. I would also like to add that you told us about the boyfriend's daughter, but nothing about the boyfriend! Are you more attached to the girl than to him? Please see that a man that doesn't accept you as you are can't be good for you. You have valid feelings and fears that need to be discussed and he should be a participant in that discussion. Please don't settle for someone that won't let you be you.

All the best~

I gave a child up for adoption at birth, so I know the feeling of not wanting to get close to another child. It was a struggle for me for a very long time. She is 17 now and I am finally pregnant with my second child.

What I had to do was let go, really let go. I grieved for seven years, cried all the time, and it wasn't until someone I loved gave me an ultimatum similar to what your boyfriend gave you that I had something that was more important to me than my grief and I let it go.

When I read the title of your post I thought... "failed adoption".. why did it take her 2 years to get over it? But reading your post I see that you've actually spent alot of time with this child, it wasn't just a birth mother changing her mind at the last minute. This must be a child that is in your family and you've bonded with her.

My advice, count your blessings, you get to be a part of her life, even if it is not as her mother. You are still young and can have the family you want so badly. My adoption was an open adoption and I've been allowed to spend time every year with my daughter. As much as it still hurts, I feel so blessed that I get the chance to know her and she gets to also know that she is loved all the way around.

One last thing, sorry this is long. If you are unsure of your boyfriend and the future of your relationship, I would keep a guard up where his dauther is concerned, to protect your heart should the relationship not work out. It is very hard to lose a man and a child at the same time.

Hang in there.. I cant say I know how you are feeling but I want to give you a support group thats for divorced or seperated people.. You will find alot of support..http://divorcesupport.meetup.com/388/ Join and its FREE... I have truley liked it...
J.

Precious A.,
How i grieved for you when I read your question. My thoughts are that you are grieving many things at one time. The loss of a hope in a marriage of your own, as well as the loss of hope in a family of your own. You trusted both of them with your heart and for very different reasons the relationships were cut short. May I suggest you give yourself a cry it out week end. Take a trusted, empathetic girlfriend and go away for a couple of days and say out loud all the things you have been feeling about both situations. You need someone with you to know that someone else heard your heart and that it mattered that it was broken. Speak out loud all the things you had wished would come from both situations. When the weekend is over tell yourself you have grieved this enough, mentally leave it in the place you stayed and walk away from your tears. If they start to come up again. Tell yourself, "No, I've already said it all and cried enough." Then begin to thank God for what you have today. Speak out loud the good things about your boyfriend and his daughter. Give your time only for the things and people of today and your future. I pray that the Lord meets you with His love as you walk into each day and that new dreams will come.
L. V.

Do not be involved in a relationship that involves children particularly young children. If you would like to adopt a child as a single parent, check with the local OBGYNs or go to the high school guidance counselors and inquire of any pregnant teen girls that are wanting to give up their babies for adoption.

Hi A.. First of all, I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have been through many, many emotional things in my life. I know that when you go through a divorce, you suffer the same emotional trauma that you would if there had been a death in the family, although no one has died. So you suffered the loss of a husband and a child. You will grieve those losses. What you did for that little girl proves the love you had, and still have for her. There is a text in the bible that says, Greater love has no man, that he lay down his life for another. That is what you did. You gave up your own happiness for her. God sees that love and He will bless you with something for more than your expectations. Thank God for the time you had with her and pray. Pray, pray, pray for her. That is how you won't become bitter and angry. Now, look to the new man and child in your life. Pray that God will remove all barriers so that you can give this little girl the love and affection she needs. There is so much more I would like to share with you but time is limited.
My thoughts and prayers are with you,
M. Snead

Your boyfriend needs to understand that emotional bonds are not a matter of genetics or legal status. Of course you miss your former daughter, and those feelings don't go away just because she has now been legally adopted by other people.

I started out as a foster parent, which is definitely a situation of "temporary" parents who form permanent attachments. You will always be her mother, because you WERE her mother during those important early years.

Your feelings are real, and you should acknowledge them, but it is a difficult thing to try to make your boyfriend understand. Just remember that she is happy with her parents today, and maybe one day you can talk to them and visit with her occasionally. In the mean time enjoy what gifts GOd has given you and that is the precious opportunity to spend with your boyfriends 3 year old. We do not know what tomorrow will hold, but if you enjoy only one day with this 3 year old isn't that a beautiful memory to treasure, GOd willing you will enjoy many years with her, but see the good and enjoy life, for you yourself are precious.

your story just touched my heart. i can not imagine being that much a part of a childs life and then having to give her up. children are a gift, and a very precious one. God may be bringing to your rememberance how much you loved this child not to depress you but to show you how much love you have to give your boyfriends daughter. sometimes we close down after something like this, and God has to show us how and why we should open back up. If you are a Believer, I would just pray about it and ask God why you are still dwelling on this. He will answer you, He always does. I wish you luck in this and I will be praying for you!!!

Be Blessed!

D. Mattern-Muck
The MOM Team
Raise your income and your rugrats at the same time!!!
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

First off, go find a good therapist. Few things in life can match having that kind of support. Second, take your boyfriend with you. Men like to think "just get over it" but rarely is that helpful for women and often it is hurtful. You have been through a LOT - give yourself a break, even if it means a break from relationships, to recouperate and grieve, and figure out who you are and what you are ready for.... it will be worth it. Give yourself credit for making an awesome sacrifice - of your marriage and pending adoption. That was a decision based on your unique strength and maturity - an ability to put the needs of others on equal footing with your own - a rare and precious gift. Not everyone will understand your choices, your grief, nor your strength, and you deserve that understanding in spades...... God Bless!

It is alright to feel the way that you feel. Don't try to deny those feelings. Have you thought about counseling to help you through this.

I also want to say something. Please don't be offended. Be really careful about marrying a man who does not validate your anguish over the child you do not have anymore. To you, she was yours. You committed yourself to this child. His child is not yours, either...but he expects you to totally accept his child. He has a hard time understanding your sorrow. He needs to understand that you are dealing with a painful hurt in your life. It will not go away overnight. You may need help to get through it.

Maybe he needs to "Just get over it."

I pray that you will find peace over this event.

Best Wishes,

C.

A.,

It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Chosing to caring for a little person that biologically is not your required a lot of love. The thought of having to give that child up because of a failed marriage seems to be what is holding you back. I believe that you are penalizing yourself and in fact I bet you are thinking you are quite selfish for your decision. BUT the truth is this everything happens for a reason. God allowed you to love this child until her adoptive parents were perpared to truly take her own as their own child. God knew he could trust you with caring unselfishly for the little girl and because of the unselfishness you were able to let her go to an enviroment that would most benefit her. Had you been selfish and unreasonable you could have made a desicion that could have seriously wounded you, your ex-husband and the precious little girl. God knew you would make the right decision and that is why you were chosen to experience this situtuation. I bet you are still holding on to resentment toward your ex-husband as well. My advice forgive him and move on. The one thing I do know about love is this when it is given unselfishly and with no hidden adgenda or motives it is pure love and there is no force to stop it from flowing so let it flow. God is giving you another oportunity to love another little girl why are you holding back? If God allowed this little girl into your life it is because he know you have something she needs....LOVE IN IT'S PUREST FORM.

Y.

I'd like to suggest counseling. You have to grieve the loss of the child and possibly even the loss of your marriage. I, too, initiated my divorce from my first husband. Even so, I needed to grieve that loss. I went to counseling and was told the end of a marriage is like a death. You must grieve and if you don't do it at the time, you will grieve later, but you WILL grieve. It took six years for me to actually grieve the loss of my marriage. Then, I was ready to move on. I wish I'd gone to counseling earlier! I don't think it is for everyone but it was great for me. Also, the loss of YOUR baby is like a death. You need to mourn it as well. Your boyfriend should be supporting you and helping you through this. Our daughter is adopted and we love her as much as our biological son. I'd be offended if someone made a statement to me about my love for my daughter versus the love for my son. She IS, always has been and always will be MY daughter!

Hi A. -

You have so much you are dealing with - the loss of your daughter (and I think it's okay to call her your daughter)and all the emotions of your ex letting you down, letting your dreams down. You need time and no one can tell you how long that will take - every one grieves differently and your situation is a very different and challenging one.

A new perspective - I would ask you to consider, that you were meant to be in your daughters' life exactly as you were. You loved her as she needed and then you let go as she needed. You made a choice . . . . . for her. What a wonderful mother you are! I would also ask you to consider that you may be able to see her again, at another time, possibly in another place. I would ask you to consider this and know it in your heart - a mother's love last forever and you will someday, somewhere, somehow find each other again. I would further ask you to consider her needs for you - Don't you think that after loving her so much, that she would want you to be happy and move on with your life? Even if you feel it is taking risks with your heart, it's okay to love yourself, heal yourself and find yourself in happiness. I am sure she would want this for you.

Maybe your boyfriends' daughter is now in your life to love you for what you did for your other daughter. There is always a higher purpose in such relationships - maybe this little girl wants to help you heal.

It is up to you whether you decide to keep your heart open, no matter what happens in your life.

Good luck, you are a very special person!
Alli

Dear A.,
I am adopted , have 2 adopted children , and perhaps know a little about adoption , emotions , and related subjects. People that have never had any experience with adoption find it very difficult to understand any of it. Each person deals with it in a variety of ways.
This being said, it's my opinion that you cannot put a time limit on your pain. It is what it is. I get it; but, others may not. Give yourself and your boyfriend time. You may need therapy.
I hope this issue does not drive a wedge between you. It is always a possibility; but, be patient, give it some more thought, reassess your set of circumstances and go from there.
Good luck and best wishes.

I can totally relate to you. I went trough many years of infertility...hard emotions can come with that experience in itself...
I recently watched a movie called Bella...
If you can watch this movie!!!
When I finally gave up wanting to be pregnat my son came to me about 5 years ago...
He didn't come the way I wanted none the less I adopted him less than 2 months after I found out about him...it is a wonderful story of faith...everyone kept telling me to let it go too....
That was very hard for me...as you can understand.
I was very content with him and my life and that nagging ache seem to have disappeared the moment I saw him born...I knew what I was supposed to do...
I now have the desire to adopt again...I never thought I would but I do believe that that desire is sent for a reason...I am now open to what comes my way...even when I don't know how or why....
maybe she is in your life to show you that you can open to LOVE in your lfe again...open and you never know what can come from that place...good luck and remember to enjoy the journey....lots of love and blessing, R.

I don't know much about adoption personally, but I was dating someone ("Joe") for almost 9 years and when his brother and sister-in-law got pregnant, I was able to experience the thrill and excitement of being an Aunt. I loved that little girl so much and when "Joe" and I broke up it killed me to lose that little girl.

I am now married and my husband tells me all the time that that litle girl does remember em and that someday I will get to see her again, he doesn't know how, but is sure that she remembers all the love I gave her as I am sure your daughter does and since you loved her so much when she gets older and starts to ask questions she will seek you out again.

Now, my sister-in-law had a baby girl 16 months ago. I never thought that any child could fill in the gap that was left by "Joe's" niece. I am finding that I love my niece more and more each day and that I am letting go of the hurt I have felt from losing "Joe's" niece.

Something else that has helped me tremendously is a sermon my minister gave a few months back. He said that God answers prayers in three ways. Either He says, "Yes", "No", or "Not yet." Maybe this was one of those "Not yet" times. Allow yorself to get closer to your boyfriends daughter, a love in your life no matter how long or brief is always a blessing.

You will be in my prayers. God Bless!
S.

Love is a gift, when given freely, expecting nothing inreturn it produces the most fruit. Look at why you need your love reciprocated, more than the loss of the one you gave your love to. Consider yourself blessed to have shared your love for that time with that child, you have shared something and made a positive impact on her life. Free yourself, and you will be free to love another.

Best Wishes,
R.

A., sounds like you need to have your own. Since it was your ex that was sterile, go for it. If you have a stable job and know you can do it, why not? It sounds like you have a lot of love to give. Ask you boyfriend and if he says no, then get a donor. He has his child, you need yours. What are the cons? No father figure? If you have a father or a brother, there you go. Money? Hmmm-some people may argue with me, but as long as a child has a roof over their head, food to eat, clothing and lots of love with a beautiful loving parent, that's all they really need. think about it. Roni

It's normal to feel attached, and mourn the loss. You may not have legally been her mother, but emotionally YOU WERE! Spending half of your time with her for a year and a half means that you formed a close relationship with her... it's almost as if you're feeling the loss of your own child.

I wish your boyfriend would be more understanding. We as women are emotional people, and when we get attached, we get really attached. I hope he learns that what he needs to do is comfort you, not put you down. You will never forget that wonderful little girl, but it will take a long time for your heart to heal from the loss.

I would probably suggest some counseling, for you individually. A third party can better help you deal with your emotions, and be a concerned listening ear.

{{{hugs}}}

First of all Is this boyfriend really supporting you? It sounds like he is insensitive to a very important part of your life. You should get grief counseling for the life you have lost. You may not think of it as a loss of life but it was the loss of a dream of what your life was. It is hard to move forward when someone or something is holding you back. You are still so young. I adopted my daughter at the age of 44yr.old. my husband was 45. Don't give up and don't settle for a life that is making you sad. You deserve more and you need to believe in yourself more. Good Luck.

You really need to let your boyfriend know that it is not about his daughter or your daughter but rather about you not wanting to get hurt again. I hate to sound mean but if you truly want to have a future with your boyfriend you do need to "get over it". Have a good cry (maybe more than once) and talk to a grief counseler because you are grieving just as if the child died.

A.,

Let this not be about you. Let me explain...You are obviously a woman who has wanted a child and has incredible amounts of love to give. So give it. This three-year old needs your love too, just as every child you come in contact with needs it. Give it out to all of them!! Every child is "ours" as you got to feel with the baby you almost adopted. Happiness is sharing love. So put your scared self out there and give love to your boyfriend AND his daughter. Even if things don't work out for whatever reason, you got to give and get love. I didn't get married until I was 30 and waited two years to have a baby...I now have three amazing children ages 2,4 and 6. Girlfriend you have plenty of time...you never know what God has in store for you!

Be careful not to attact the same type of man. Its so easy. He sounds insensitive to your emotional state and needs. One would think he'd see that your heart is guarded because you are afraid of the relationship not working out, having to detach from another child. You may also feel it is unfair to the child. You would be absolutely right. If you had a 3 year old and were dating, you wouldn't expose, introduce or even bring her/him on dates unless marriage is in the air. This is your female maternal instict. Some men have good sense about this. Some do not. Mateurity versus immaturity. God saved your womb for a real man...a good father and husband! It will happen when you give up on looking for it to happen.

A.,

Emotions are always hard to deal with. I don't know all the facets of your situation, but I would point out the fact that you have a very big heart. The adoption didn't work out, but you still love the child. Now, there is another child who needs love. All you need to do is to trust your insticts and love the child. You may get hurt again, and you may not. The rewards of love are much greater than the risks.

Just my two cents.

~C.~