So, my daughter, age 14 went to her dad's house for the summer. Suddenly, I notice she seems to be living on Facebook. First, I notice liking or commenting on posts that contain nasty or inappropriate language. I talk to her about this via phone, and after huffing and puffing and 10+ more requests on my part, she becomes more careful about what she is doing. A couple of weeks later, I notice she has posted close to 50 pics of herself wearing heavy (in my opinion) make-up, in cute poses or lying back on the bed. I am uncomfortable with this and I call her to say so and to request that she take them down and that we talk about appropriate Facebook use. She reacts fairly violently that I would "suggest that she is advertising herself". She tells me that "everyone else thinks the pics are great" and things of that nature. On top of this, if she cries, Dad intervenes and acts like I am disrupting the peace. I feel that I should be able to call my daughter at her Dad's home, continue to monitor my daughter and be able to say something without causing a total uproar. Today, she blocked me from being able to see what is going on on her page. Now mind you, we have never had these problems when she is at home with me. We are too busy for facebook, so I have never had to deal with this issue before. Ideas, suggestions, opinions?
These responses have been so helpful and I appreciate the variety of experiences and opinions. Navigating these new experiences with a father whom I have had my share of conflict is challenging to say in the least. I plan to speak with him and try my best to get on the same page rather than going through her, for the time being. I also plan to have a decent and educational heart to heart when she returns in two weeks. The feeling of her basically thumbing her nose at me through this all has been a little much and things are definitely going to change...as in a serious loss of privileges. On a side note, some of her facebook "friends" posts have proven beyond inappropriate in content and language.
You are right to be concerned and expect her to have some guidance and rules and for her to respect that. This includes Facebook and any other media tool.
Everyone should assume everything you put on Facebook is public. So while at first taking steps such as Angela G TX does may seem extreme, it drives home the reality that anything you do on Facebook is public and can be found by anyone motivated to find it.
Oh no! The only way I would allow a young teen to have a facebook account is if I monitored it as you were doing. The second they tried to block me I would delete the account.
.
.
.
Since she's Facebooking at dad's house, not sure what you can do other than to now allow her to do it when she's with you.
Has her dad seen the pics? I would e-mail them to him. If he thinks it's okay for his daughter to post photos like that, then it says a lot about him. I have a feeling, if they are suggestive, that he won't like it and HE might actually do something.
Listen to what TF said below. My daughter is almost 14 and we have the same rules. We have the password and when she first got the account I would check it more frequently than I do now, she has not given us any reason to not trust her good sense.
That being said I cannot believe what other kids in our community put up for all to see. I've seen entire profiles expressing a boy's love of smoking pot, one girl literally calling one of her teachers a B%*@! and lots of comments from other students agreeing and of course the endless stream of suggestive cleavage and booty shots. I could go on and on, many of these kids are not even on my daughter's friend list, their profiles are completely public.
I would have a talk with her Dad and try to get him on board with some basic rules. The first is "block a parent, lose your profile". The second should be NO sexy pics. This means if you're wearing a bikini, you're at the beach or pool, not laying on your bed with a come hither look. It's really just common sense. If you're not already, become very savy about facebook and get to know some of the profiles of other kids in your community. Use the ones you find particularly disturbing to get your ex on board.
The image she is putting out there is being viewed by lots of different people and if it's negative at all not everyone will walk away with a good image of your daughter. Kids have so many friends that even making her profile private does not mean that several hundred people will not be seeing what she posts. I would really try to impress upon her that unless she'd be proud showing her Grandparents then it just shouldn't be on her facebook page.
Online "mistakes" can last a very long time!
My son is 16 - I have full access to his FB account and he will give me his phone to read his text message. Why? Cause he is a kid and I pay for these things. Also, how can I teach him appropriate behavior for social media if I do not know what he is doing with said media.
You have no control over what your daughter does while she is at her father's. It would be nice if he could be on the same with you, and maybe some calm conversations with him would help.
When she gets home, set up social media rules. Full access, or she doesn't have access, etc. Then teach her, not yell, not dictate, - teach her appropriate social media use.
I can only tell you what we do in our home, and wish you the best. We have all passwords and user IDs for our teen. We rarely have to use them, but he knows we have them, and that we will periodically check what is going on in his online world. We also limit how much time he spends on the computer. We don't have a set time limit, but we make sure that he fills much of his time with other more productive pursuits.
The main thing, though, is that Dad and I are on the same page, especially in front of our teen. We haven't had the issues you have, probably because he's a boy and never posts pictures; he really doesn't even like facebook. What we deal with is the amount of time spent on youtube. I see it as a brain cell killer most of the time, and my husband has no issue with it. With our teen, though, we present a united front limiting his time on the computer.
Good luck. It isn't easy being a parent.
Tell her dad that when he becomes a grandpa, he can care for the baby at his house. =/
In our house blocking parents from Facebook equals no Facebook account. I don't know how you can enforce such rule when she is at her Dad's house. Inappropriate pictures on Facebook also gets you no Facebook. It would also lead to no computer time. I would have a discussion with her Dad and get some ground rules set. Although you are not married you both are still parents and need to have some agreement on how she is to be raised. Good luck! At the very least there would be some consequences when she returned from her Dad's house. I have had my daughter unfriend any person that is posting anything inappropriate.
Having Facebook is a privilege and takes maturity.
Posting vulgar language and inappropriate photos is going to always be there. Let her know her behaviors on there, is what her future, friends, boyfriends, teachers, coaches, employers are going to see and she will regret and be emberassed by these things.
Let her know you are fine with the page, IF she can manage it as a mature person.
Ths is like anything else in her life. Hr postings will be hat people are going to judge her by.
Nice boys, nice teachers, nix employees are going to judge her in response to heros things.
He people that think hoochie photos are great, are just being polite.
Real friends would let her know, they are not propriate.
Our family has aunts, uncles, grandmothers, great grandmothers as our friends on FB. This helps our children make better choices. My grandmother will let the great grandchildren know she is on their pages!
Pretty funny.
In the past, police officers have come to the school that I work at and give a talk about the consequences of inappropriate behavior on the internet and social websites like Facebook. It can be a wonderful tool or harmful. If you are willing, call the police department and ask if there is a juvenile officer who could discuss the issue perhaps first with you so you are comfortable and then your daughter. They aren't there to scare anyone, well sufficiently so one can see the problems that can arise, but they are there to help. Then you can have them/he/she talk with you and your daughter. Or call the school counselor and ask them for a liason who would help. Good luck!
I think you need to talk to her anyway about social media and how to present herself and how these things follow you forever. Sit down with her and her account and make sure she has the right privacy settings. Insist that she is friends with you and her father (and you can block each other if you don't want him seeing your posts). Try to talk to her calmly about the impression she's putting out there and how information is public to unsavory people. Talk to her about not friending people she doesn't really know. Etc. Depending on her settings, someone she doesn't know may be able to pinpoint her age, her school, and where she is currently eating with her friends.
Here is an article about this on PC World. http://www.pcworld.com/article/206683/how_to_keep_your_ki...
You might also send that article to your ex and say you are simply concerned and want her to be safer online than she appears to be today. Her tantrum is just that and it is your collective job as parents to teach her how to navigate this new world.
I would not make this one talk. I would talk to her over and over as the year goes on. Ask her why the poses? What is she trying to convey? Why the sexy poses vs just hanging out with friends? How does she feel about herself? Where is her self-esteem? Etc. Try to get to understand her a little better so you can both understand where each other is coming from. NOT always easy (my SD is 18 and got "that look" when told we couldn't afford to replace her car) but sometimes they do listen.
ETA: Make sure that if you are on her Friend list, you aren't on a side list. You can group people and then by the image, album or post, restrict who sees it. This is also why it needs to be an ongoing conversation. When she is online (if you allow her to remain on FB), then sit with her and ask about her wall (or Timeline now...urg) and who that person is, etc. Keep computers in public places. Go through her profile with her. Maybe give her photos you find acceptable to share. But watch out for sneaky things like "sure, Mom, you're my friend" and then you miss all the posts that you're worried about.
Kids just don't realize how many people can see what they post online, and how it can affect them for a LONG time. Like TF, we had a 15 yr old cheerleader at our school who had to be removed from the team because she "flashed" a boy while skyping. He took a screen shot and sent it to all the kids at school. She's banned from ever trying out for cheer again and her family is out the $$ paid for uniforms and such so far. It sounds like your daughter's Dad needs some education on social media safety, too.
As a sex educator working with teens and tweens, I think a zero tolerance policy is the best. Facebook is important in terms of socialization and is a legitimate form of communication today. I view Facebook as a big, online dinner party--we chat, make small talk, share big news or pictures (talk a lot about food) and move on to the next conversation...there are some things we don't do at dinner parties (extreme swearing, nudity, breaking up with/ threatening people, etc), and drama should be kept to a minimum. I think 14 is a fine age for Facebook, but only if they are mature enough to hang with "the grown ups" and follow the (mostly unsaid) social rules.
I also believe that if a particular kid is mature enough, the price of admission to Facebook for teens is that you as the parent are friends with them (as well as at least one other close friend of theirs). If they are not willing to comply with this, then no Facebook. case closed.
The Internet is a tool not a toy--like an automobile, if you don't know what you are doing, are impulsive or irresponsible or screw around too much, really, really bad things can happen.
I don't know what to tell you about your relationship with your husband, the good news is he is most likely as invested in your daughter's safety and success as you are and perhaps you can join in that way. As for your daughter, stay in the conversation and appeal to that mature side of her who asked about Facebook in the first place--it's all very tempting when things are first opened up and feel somewhat anonymous, but explain to her how uncomfortable the pictures make you feel and what she will say to her teen daughter or son when they ask her about them in 20 years...the Internet is forever.
Good luck.
I would keep it positive and tell her it is your responsibility to keep her safe. Ask her to make sure her security settings are such that only her friends can see her postings, not just any random person trolling. On her FB page, on the right hand side, drop down the "home" button options, click on "privacy settings" and "edit" all of them to be as private as possible (friends only, friends of friend, everyone is the progression - stick with friends only). Also make sure that on that same page, click the "ads, apps & websites" and then click the "turn off apps". If those apps are on and you sign in with your FB account (for instance here on MamaPedia) your postings here will show up on your FB page. Periodically check those privacy settings since FB has the terrible habit of just changing global setting for all their users with occasional "upgrades".
And I told my kids: don't ever text or post anything about someone that you would not say to their face and that you would not want your grandma to read. Future employers check social media and if all they see are drunken slutty photos they may think again before hiring. A friend's daughter got in trouble by texting something nasty to a girl friend who FORWARDED it to the friend who it was about, causing a great learning moment for my kids but lot of embarrassment and pain for the girls involved.
I would cancel her FB account.
My oldest is only 10, but IF and when I let her use FB, I will have the password to her account, and will check if frequently. Unless you do that, they can block you from seeing their page (as you found out) If she doesn't like it, she won't have an account.
I agree that her father should know. Email them. Mail them. Any way to get the pictures to him. Stop her use of Facebook at your home. Take the phone at night, most phones even the cheap ones have access. Privileges do not need to be there if she is just going to pull stunts like this! If she continues to be this way, take away more! You need to stop this before she gets labeled as a slut(which happens fast) sure its cute (for now to her) but the only thing it says is easy! not pretty!
A few thoughts, as a mom of 7, four girls and two of them teens adults.
Are these pictures really inappropriate or do they just make the mom of a 14 year old, growing dd's mom's heart lurch?
Many times I had to step back and recognize that the pictures were really not bad. I just had a hard time seeing my 'little' girls growing up. Heck for that matter my sons.
Language....I tend to ignore to an extent. A word here, a word there as long as the words are not used at someone or meant to belittle someone. I can move past, the best way to know what is truly going on in a childs life is FB. Remove FB and you do loose a good indication of things that are going right and things that are going wrong. A perfect example of pushing them to far away is being blocked. I'd much rather see the truth, then see nothing at all.
It's not hard to make an account and parents not know about it. Better aware and uneasy then unaware and blindsided.
Dads house, what can you really do? He has made the decision as the other parenting half in her life that it is okay. Doesn't mean you have to allow it in your home though. you are free to make whatever rules you want, in your home.
Very simple, do you have her facebook account information? If so delete her account, if not report her to fb for having an account, she is under their age limit. Problem solved. I know that may seem harsh but clearly she is not mature enough to understand the damage she can cause to her own reputation and well quite frankly her own safety. Obviously her father is not going to be of any assistance in the matter. Do what you have to do to ensure her safety.
Peace and Blessings,
T. B
How far is her dads house? just curious.
You have shared your thoughts and at this point I would back off. You said she is being careful about what she does at this point aside from the pictures...
1) Your daughter is in the position to get what she wants by pitting you and your ex against each other.
2) Your ex will not be considerate of any concerns you have about her while she is in his custody, he will see this as you trying to be controlling and making a suggestion that he is not doing his job as a parent. Therefore he will take her side to pacify her and to be right in the issue with you.
When your daughter returns I would talk to her and make suggestions that she not post pictures of herself on her bed and let her know that although they are cute she is not at the age where she can make rational decisions. You know I would approach her differently and explain to her rather than make demands, if she at least a little bit respects your judgement she will take the pics down. If she is feeling defiant she will keep them up and then M. might have to take a stronger stance...What type of relationship do you normally have with your daughter?
Oh boy that's tough because of your family dynamic.
My older teen also goes to his dad for the summer, and I've just been lucky that he's had the good sense to not do that stuff.
Your problem is with your ex. It's hard to believe he would countenance her doing such things. You would think it would be even stricter at his house when it comes to FB photos.
There are legal steps you could take, such as attempting to modify the terms of your time-sharing, etc. But in reality none of that is easy or without risk.
If it were me - just from a personal POV (not legal) - I would try to have a private conversation with her dad about how problematic this behavior is. She is young to be doing stuff that can have long-term ramifications and be out there FOREVER. Then I would lay low and count down the days until she got home. Once I got her home I would try - kindly but persuasively - to make her see why even mildly provocative pics in the digital age are a bad idea.
You somehow have to convince her that you really care about her, and that you want what's best for her long-term. She's caught up in the heady power of being a blossoming young woman. Unfortunately she's playing with fire.
It's a fine line because you don't want to push her away. I would pray like crazy, and really work with her this next school year. Don't give up but don't nag either.
I wish her dad would wake up. :(
Sounds like dad doesn't understand the repercussions of this exploitation or doesn't care. I don't know what your visitation policies are or if you can ask a lawyer to take a look at the face book pics and give their opinion on if stopping this kind of behavior or visitation will be detrimental to her and could mean less visitation for him and your daughter.
Maybe you don't want this but at least get an opinion so you know where to start and if this is were you want to go.
N.
Oh my! Sounds like my daughter a little. You absolutely should be able to call her and discuss anything you want. Especially if it involves her safety and her character. I agree with you about the posing thing. And I know how teenagers can over-react. Just be calm. Keep stating your position. Talk to her dad and make him back you up. After all, it's kind of his ball. She is there not with you. Make him see that this is not good conduct. Good luck!
She should not have facebook....IF you are the custodial parent, get her off as soon as possible. If you and dad have shared custody, she can only use facebook when she is with dad....even if this means NO unsupervised computer use.
One thing I haven't even seen mentioned here is the fact that the girl is at her fathers house. His house his rules, that's how my ex an I did it with our daughter. If there's an issue with the rules, they should be taken up with DAD, not daughter! That's very disrespectful to the father, puts the daughter in the middle, and gives her the opportunity to pit one against the other. It's a controll issue on the mothers side.
