Facebook Drama - Hamilton,OH

Delete your facebook account. Facebook makes SOO MUCH drama now-adays! (I don't have an account with them nor myspace nor twitter nor any of that mumbo-jumbo).

Next holiday, give her a framed picture of your son and say "I noticed that you had a picture of all the other kiddos but not Joey. So here you go Aunt W!" with a big grin on your face. Maybe let your son give her the gift and he can write that in a note.

W needs to get over herself if indeed she is being selective. But if she doesn't, then I wouldn't worry. Y'all are 20 years apart, so if you haven't had a bonding moment yet, it may not happen or not happen for a while. Not growing up as kids together, there may always be that separation between y'all. Sorry.

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I can understand why this would cause hurt feelings. I however, can't help but wonder this...with so many years apart between you and this sister, what is *your* relationship like with her?

I ask this because if you both are really removed, perhaps, even if it's hurtful to you and your son, she's oblivious to the situation because she just has no feelings of "connection" to you. You know, a generational gap type thing (if that makes any sense at all).

I suggest this as a possibility based on the relationship my husband has with his older brothers. He's the baby of the family and there's 8 years difference between he and his youngest brother, and 12 years difference between he and his oldest brother.

If I were to describe his relationship with his youngest brother, it's somewhat distant, but they do relate with each other and hang out sometimes. The middle bros barely talk at all. His oldest brother and he might as well be aquaintances from something removed and inpersonal like an online fantasy football league. They can barely hold a conversation with each other when they are together, barely have any shared childhood memories, and definitely have no shared interests (too big of a generation gap). If it weren't for his oldest brother's wife being on top of things, his brother would forget to send birthday cards and would probably never call on the holidays (they live in another country, but I think the relationship would be the same if they lived near us too).

My mother and her youngest brother are the same. Like you, they are 20 years apart. While they talk often on the phone they never visit or send each other pictures of kids etc, they're more like a distant auntie and nephew than sister and brother.

As for the not so nice information via another sister, do you believe your older sister would say such a thing, or is your other sister perhaps mistaken? How sad and petty if so. Where do you think this comes from if it is even true?

I guess only you know that answer. If you don't, I'd certainly want to talk to her myself directly if I were in your shoes, instead of going through others who could possibly misconstrue or make up stuff. Hopefully you can get some clarification and make peace!

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So I guess your sister thinks if you as a kid has financially less you get more love from her. There will always be favorites in a large family. This is in no way an excuse. Why can't you just ask her? You can also say one of your sibs mentioned she feels your son is spoiled, can she explain what she means by that. Also tell "auntie" that she may be unaware that your son is noticing her lack of affection and how does she feel about that? You can't make people like or love someone else but you can make them aware of their bad attitude.

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I'm not sure what your question is, but if you're wondering whether to talk to your sister, I would do it this positive way:

"W, my son is noticing that you never comment upon his existence, and he's let me know he feels puzzled and hurt. So I'm wondering if you'll do him the kindness of acknowledging his pics on facebook like you do the rest of the family. Thanks for considering this."

I would NOT do it this way, which could drive her into a more defensive position:

"W, my son and I are hurt about you ignoring him on facebook and at family gatherings. What are your issues? Don't you know how mean that seems to us?"

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I think you need to personally hand her a picture of your son, already in a beautiful frame that fits her taste & decor so she won't have an excuse not to display it. :)

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M., I am so sorry. I understand what you are saying. Sometimes, in the long run, it changes and your family members are more accepting. And sometimes they aren't.

I would tell my sister out of earshot of your son next time you are over at her house that he asked you why his aunt doesn't have a picture of him in the photo area like she has of the other kids. Look at her in the eyes and wait for her answer. Regardless of what her excuse is, tell her that he is a little child and doesn't need to feel like his aunt doesn't love him. If you aren't blunt, then she will pretend not to understand.

If she continues to outwardly show him such a difference in love from the others, you have to decide if you want to limit his time with her. You might want to invite the family to your place and when she has a function, not attend.

Really and truly, it is wrong of her to treat a little child like this, when really she just wants to hurt you. You shouldn't let her do it to him.

D.

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I'm in a similar situation with my sister. Even though she came to the hospital when my son was born, and we had plenty of family gatherings for the first couple of years, she didn't even touch my son until he was almost 2. She still has never held him at all [he is 2.5 now]. But she and my other sister get together all of the time with their kids [she has never asked me], and I've seen pictures of her playing with and holding other children. I just try to ignore it. She is the one missing out, because my son is a wonderful little boy with a great personality. I know my son has plenty of other people who love him and he will be okay either way.

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That sounds so childish of her. I can understand you feelings. I have 2 7.5 years apart and my sister has 3 close in age. She's divorced 2 times. All 3 by hubby number 2. I have the same hubby I started with. Our problem is my mother to hear her talk she has 4 wonderful grand kids but never says much ands nothing good about my youngest. All I can say is it never gets any better. My 2 see a big difference in how she treats them. My sister's 3 are saints and while she likes my oldest she hates his wife and refused to have her over or go to their home. They live 5 houses apart and accross the street. She refuses to say the great grandkid's names correctly. She has always been that way to the point my kids won't go over there. There are pics all over the fridge of Siss's kids and old ones of mine. BTW they are all adults.

Wow,sounds alot like my mother-in-law! She thinks because my kids have another grandma that they dont need anything from her..This is NOT true! Kids notice this stuff,if you havent said anything to her yet Do it now! Before the situation gets way worse and he really starts to notice all of it.If she just blows you off or says o i will try and still acts this way,i would cut her out of his life.Let her see what it is like to not have anything to do with him for real since it is the way she is acting anyway.I am sorry your son is going through this,it is not fair to him.Good luck with it all

This seems to be good old jealousy on your sisters part. You cannot make her put up pics. Its her decision. Don't say anything then she will think it doesn't bother you and she may possibly start being nicer. Its just SO petty and high school to me.

You should have just answered, "I don't know", to his question rather than lie. Then, ASK her! Make sure to let her know HE noticed. Good communication can solve/resolve MANY MANY issues that otherwise are left stewing over and over about UNNECESSARILY.

She sounds petty to me. I wouldn't mention the facebook thing, but the pictures in her house can be easily and politely addressed with a gift of a couple of frames with a couple of your favorite pictures of your son. If she wants to be petty and judgemental of how you are raising your son, that is her bad. In a way it is a complement to your parenting. She sees you are doing so much for your son he doesn't need any additional from her. She's right. Not a great sister or aunt, but she is right.

Next time you go to her house, sneak a framed picture of your son in and put it on a table, when nobody is looking. It will be interesting to see if it is still there, the next time you come over. :)

I have a SIL just like this, and I guess they think, that they are doing a good job of hiding their jealousy and insecurities, but they really aren't!

It really isn't Facebook drama, it's just drama. I wouldn't cancel my FB account because you probably enjoy sharing pictures with the others, and enjoy seeing their photos. Our family is on FB and there is no drama, but we sure like sharing pictures since we don't live close.

You aren't going to change your sister so give it up. Your son has a bunch of other aunts. Almost every family has some sort of issue and it isn't worth getting all upset over. When your son is older he can ask where his pictures are. My kids have done that with my MIL, who totally favors her other grandchildren. After 24 years of dealing with it, I realize no matter what you say or do you can't change people. Focus on the good people in your and your son's life. Life's too short to focus on one negative.

Ha! we had a similar incident and situation, but it was my MIL to our child..

I suggest you mention it to this Aunt. Then listen to her answer. Then you can decide how to handle it..

Here is what MIL did to piss me off..
She did not have any photos of our child on display, but a ton of the other grandchildren.. Mind you I was a buyer for a large store and one of the things I bought were frames. I always gave a photo with a beautiful frame to the grandparents.
She would replace the photo of our child for the other grandchildren..

I mentioned this to my husband.. (clueless) and he mentioned it in a joking way with his mom. The next time we visited, the one photo she did display, was a photo of our daughter, but of my SIL holding our daughter in a PLASTIC frame!

They finally went to therapy together (after other slights towards us) and she made a lot of excuses about moms being closer to their daughters... .. The Therapist finally said to her.." All of this behavior is YOUR choice."

She has never changed. I tried to cover for her all of these years to our daughter, but our daughter said she always noticed it on her own..

I post pics on FB nearly every day and the kids don't notice one way or the other. I think if you have other friends and family that do comment then I would point out them. You can bring out the positive and not this one relative that doesn't have a clue that she is hurting this precious person's heart.

Ok...so I've been the "Kid" in this situation, but the "aunt" was my grandma. My Aunts were not as well off as we were. Although we had everything the extras sometimes made me jealous. I didn't always get what I wanted but I got what I needed. My cousins on the other hand didn't always have what they needed. As a kid you don't see that. For example, on Christmas, we were about 10,11 and 12, my grandma got us all matching outfits (three girls). My sister and I were the 10 and 12 year olds. That's all we got, the outfit. My grandma brought out and made a big to do about another gift for my cousin. It was a brand new beautiful winter coat of an 11 year old's dream. As a kid, I didn't think this was fair. I couldn't see her NEED for the coat, only the fact that I got a stinking matching outfit...AGAIN....and she got more. It's hard. I found out a lot that Christmas b/c I asked questions. I learned a lot and began to understand.
Now, fast forward, I do the same thing. I think last Christmas I spent just as much on my niece as I did my own child. Why? Because my child has everything he could dream of...he doesn't even come up with a Christmas list because he can't think of anything. And he likes big things like vacuum cleaners and rider mowers. Things he simply can't get for Christmas and he knows it. This year for his birthday we asked for donations to an animal shelter instead of gifts! It was awesome to teach him to give instead of recieving and to stand up for something he loves!
My niece on the other hand, rarely has clothes that fit her. They make the same amount as me but spend money on themselves rather than their child. :( Sad, I know. So I spend it on her. If my brothers had a kid, I'm not sure I would spend money on them as I do on her. They are better off.
I'm not sure what I'd say about the pictures though. The only pics I have of other kids in my house are my sons half brother (his dads other child). But my sons in all of them. On facebook I'm not limited to who is in the pics...there are equal number of my sons half brother and my niece. I don't know. I can say my grandma had more pics of my cousin than me and my sister but she took care of my cousin more, so had more opportunities to take pics.
I would say go to HER and talk about it. She is probably mature enough to brush it off as hormones. Maybe start the conversation that way...maybe it's just hormones but lately I've noticed that.....and it makes me feel.... It's worth a shot!

My 2 cents - yes I would be upset. Next time you post pics of your son, maybe shoot her a note, saying that you added pics and hoped she liked them, you were waiting to see what comments she had to make. Regarding no pics of your son..... next time you are there, have him ask her...if he says, why are there no pics of me - tell him to ask his aunt - she will then see it is hurting him, plus you want to teach him to be open with people.... I think it is perfectly okay to do this..
Whether he is spoiled or not is not the issue, she is playing favorites and it is hurting your son....that's not fair to him, should have nothing to do with how you raise him....