Facebook Addiction?

I am on facebook and for the first week or two I was the one "addicted". It's exciting to find and catch up with people you haven't seen in a long time. That being said, I had to work at waiting until the kids were in bed to check my stuff and now I can wait and it's not daily anymore. We are a computer family but limit time as much as possible. My husband can be a real junkie and I have to remind him that we need time too. It will sometimes feel like you are nagging but he needs to remember he's not a bachelor. Good luck.

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Hi M.,

I don't have the same situation but it sounds like trouble to me.. especially for your marriage. I would try and sit him down and have a good talk.. there is tons of research out there on how harmful too much computer is. Nip in the bud before it gets worse. If it were my husband I wouldn't take no for an answer.

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Well I only have experience with a tv junkie but I suppose the advice would be similar. Come to some kind of agreement where he can get on facebook right when he gets home to "unwind" from the day. After dinner though is family time and he is involved with caring for the child, spending time with you, etc. Then depending on how you feel, he can go on facebook again after 8:00 pm or whenever. That's a compromise. I also have this same agreement with my teenagers. They come home from school, get on the computer and then we eat as a family, and clean up the kitchen, do something as a family....either watch a tv show, play a game, do homework, etc. About 8:00 pm everyone goes their own way again to get on the computer, etc. Then at 9:00 everyone in our house goes to their room for quiet time and lights out when they get tired.

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Have you talked to your husband? You need to communicate just how much his facebook use is bothering you. My husband and I both are on facebook, but we try not to get online until the kids are in bed. And my husband tends to gravitate to his laptop pretty easily too....but if I notice him checking out, and engrossed in his computer when I would like to spend time with him, I just ask him to get off the computer and hang out with me...more in a playful way than a demanding way. He always turns it off. Communication is key! If it is becoming between your relationship, he needs to know!

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Give it a few months, then it will wear off. I bet your husband is reading about all the people who have been in his life and where they are now. Very interesting, but after a while, you see just about everybody and it gets old. try to ask him about some of his friends and stories and be involved. But it will pass.....

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It sound like he's more addicted to the game than the site. Have you researched gaming addictions?

If he's as obsessed as you describe, I'd seek professional help.

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Hey M. - I'm a Facebook user. I avoided it for a long time, but need to organize a 10 year class reunion this year, and many classmates are on so I got an account. There are so many things you can do to waste your life away, as you've seen, however I'm not into all that. I just like to see people I know but don't talk to much - who's getting married, having babies, etc.

As far as your husband, I think you need to tell him just how you feel. Say something like, "I know that this is a relaxing and fun socializing thing for you, but when you get home and go straight to Facebook it makes me feel completely ignored, and like I don't matter to you at all. It's like you're saying to me that playing games with these acquaintances is higher on your list of priorities than spending quality time with our daughter and me."

I would expect him to argue, say it isn't that bad or otherwise deny it (which is a good thing, actually), or he might be an angel and realize what you're saying is true an apologize to you. But either way, ask him if you can compromise by having a specific computer time where you know he'll be unavailable. Then the rest of his evening he agrees to spend with his family.

Just do your best to leave it at how you feel and not accusing or argumentative. Let him make the choice for you and your daughter, don't force him into something or he might be bitter.

Blessings!

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I have a myspace, tried facebook...I got sucked into the mob wars on myspace and just recently had to remove it from my myspace. I realized how much of my time it was taking up and had to just stop. The games can get very addicting.
Facebook is a little different than myspace, but has games too. You have to limit yourself to what you want to do and have time for.

Please talk to him. He should understand.

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Part of it is a stress release, fantasy, fun, connection with friends, etc... for me it is just playful and creative. But a talk about keeping attention to when he is doing it is certainly in order. My husband is an online gamer, I like spacebook and blogging... but we both keep it to resonable levels and times and we never sacrafice family time or time with each other to do it. As long as it is a fun hobby there is no harm... but maybe you should get a page just to connect with him and see what he is up to, maybe then he could explain the fun and excitement a little better (and if nothing else you could make fun of him in front of his friends :) )

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I read a study that said that with each new web page a small endorphine release from the brain rewards us. It said that is why people tend to become addicted. I have seen people wait and wait for a new comment on their livejournal pages, so it seems that it is something similar.

Unfortunately, your husband needs to aknowledge the amount of time he's spending on this and make a decision not to check the facebook every time he sees a computer. If he doesn't see it is a problem, he can't be forced to change his behaviour. I wonder if he would want his kids to act this way with one of their toys?

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Hi M.,

My husband is also a computer junky, computer game junky, tv junky, you name it, he likes it. Several years ago he was playing on online game game and we went through similar battles you are describing. I finally used the "if you can't beat me, join em" approach and started playing it too, and it was a lot of fun that I got sucked into for a while too. Unfortunately I don't think I was a very good parent during that time, but the phase passed for both of us. But we linked several computers together, sat them right next to each other, and gamed together, and that ended the fighting about it lol. I know you probably don't feel like you have time for it, but if you include yourself in what he obviously really likes to do, maybe he will eventually tire of it and move on. We still have 2 computers right next to each other, and I now have a 3 year old daughter, and she needs more attention and demands it loudly. So sometimes, when he gets on the computer on some game, I will just get on mine, ignore her for a minute to see if he notices. She will clamor louder and louder for something, and I will tell her to "ask Daddy" or ask him to take care of it because I am in the middle of something. I have often had to tell myself a little mantra "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". You can't force them to pay attention to you, they have to want to. So sometimes you have to fight fire with fire (sorry to be using so many euphemisms) and make him realize how his family needs his attention, by withdrawing yours. Just an idea, it works for us anyhow. good luck.

That does sound like an addiction, and I know that Internet sites can be addicting. They're so easy to access, and they don't inspire guilt because it doesn't feel like the person is doing anything bad. I don't have any advice sites for facebook addictions per say, but I can recommend Focus on the Family's advice page for Internet addictions. Most of their material was developed to deal with pornography, but the ideas could be used for other computer addictions. Whatever you do, make sure you address the situation forthrightly. Don't start by making subtle hints or by complaining. Arrange a sit down conversation and explain your concerns. Back up your worries with evidence. Try to be as objective as possible about time amounts and activities, don't raise your voice or get frustrated during the conversation (I know. It's hard.) and make sure that he knows that his health and the health of your family are a major part of your concern. Help him see how much he's missing out on with this imaginary world of his.

I have a similar issue with my husband, but it is with video games (computer & Wii) rather than Facebook. He knows it annoys me to no end, but he continually looks to play especially whent he kids are in bed he jumps on while they are in the bath and will play for hours into the night. My biggest frustration is the fact I feel pushed aside and ignored. And then I thought about the fact he works full time and likes a chance to unwind in the evenings from all the "reality" of work and life in general. We sat and talked about it after I BLEW up one night yelling and carrying on about me and the conversation was productive. Talk with him about a schedule or a timeframe of useage. It sounds like we are regulating a teenager, but truly that is what it came down to with us. I promised to find other projects and time consuming activities I enjoyed while he did his gaming, but he needed to slow down with the usage. We even discussed when we were fighting over the computer picking up an inexpensive laptop for me to utilize at home for my email and websurfering since I did not need the gaming capability for my internet time. Hope this helps a little, good luck.

I use facebook to stay connected with long time friends. I can see from a few of them how it can become addicting, but I just have other priorities and don't get caught up in it. There are things to be fans of, sending songs, plants, and unimaginable time wasters.

I don't have any advise how to cope other than seeing it like any other addiction.

M.,
Just wanted to say that alot of my family plays mobsters/mobwars on myspace...I hear it is pretty fun! I am sorry I dont have any advice on how to cope...my hubby is a computer programmer and all my teenagers are on the computer all the time...so it doesnt bother me:)

K.

Maybe get a facebook to message him back..then when he wants to check his..say no..your on YOUR facebook?

Otherwise just talk to him, sometimes that's what it takes.

I hear you! I too refuse to get a facebook/myspace account. I have enough to do.
You are going to have to draw a line. Find something to compare it too. Would he care if you were online all the time? What if he came home to a messy home, crying kid, and no dinner because you have your own account now? Does he realize he is developing a better relationship with people he hardly knows rather than spending with people he loves (and helps supports)? Remind him how you feel about him and how much you miss him.
...although you might have to get your own account so you can send him a letter about the issue. <grin>
Oh, don't forbid him. Just ask him to make a time limit or what until your daughter is in bed... But whatever the compromise is, STICK TO IT.

M., I am a stay at home mother of 6 and I have a facebook account. It is much safer that myspace. I use it to keep in touch with family and friends that live far away. It is much easier to e-mail and send pictures. you can also IM on the site. Like anything it can become an addition if you let it. moderation in all things is the most important to remember. You can have some fun on there I am on it about every three days. it sounds as though your husband has maybe more of an addition than just face book.It sounds more like a gaming addition.

I do have a Facebook account, and I love seeing what my "friends" are doing at any given time, but I only log on once every few days. My husband doesn't have an account there, but he is totally addicted to his computer and the TV. Just like you said, my husband has the computer and TV on the second he gets up in the morning to the second he goes to bed at night. It is always on. In fact, he often has his laptop and desktop on while he watches TV! It drives me crazy! When he watches TV, he uses headphones, so my kids and I are completely in another "land". I'm sorry I can't give you any advice, but I do want you to know that I feel your pain. It would be very nice to have a "normal" husband who actually listens and pays attention, but I guess it's too late for that for me. Good luck to you!