Extreeme Trouble with My 4 3/4 Old

Have you tried seeing a developmental pediatrician? My 4-1/2 year old daughter has had similar behavior for at least the last 3-1/2 years. Discipline of various kinds have NEVER worked for her either. Finally her developmental pediatrician diagnosed her with sensory integration dysfunction and emotional dysregulation and referred us to occupational therapy. Basically, her nervous system becomes overloaded with sensory stimulation that she can't organize (and determine which input to ignore, like the sound of rain). She becomes overwhelmed and acts out. Often I have no idea what set her off. Her socks are twisted in her shoes? The dog bumped her and she wasn't expecting it? The sound of the hairdryer? A smell she doesn't like? I had pleaded for help from this doc before as well as her regular pediatrician, etc., but until she witnessed one of my daughter's "episodes," the problem had been mine - a problem of my expectations, experience, consistency, ability to discipline, etc. My daughter now sees and occupational therapist twice a week and has made remarkable progress. The OTs also work with Asperger's kids, which someone else mentioned. Email me if you are interested in the doc (Worcester) or OT (Westboro) my daughter sees. You could also read "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz as this book has excellent descriptions of what sensory issues "look" like.

Good luck! Whether the ideas I suggested are at the root of the problem or not, I know how exhausted, frustrated, and embarassed you are.

hello,

I could be wrong, but i would look into Asperger Syndrome. Last year I worked as an assistant in a home based daycare, my bosses daughter, at times, acted very similiar, and she had all the "symptoms" of Aspergers, however her father refused to have it looked into, poor thing! Well, anyway as I said, i am not a doctor, but do a little research online on Aspergers, knowing the root of the problem could make things much easier for all!

Best of luck!

Jenn

Trying all kinds of methods is not sticking to one. Children need for you to stick to something, or you are saying that they can continue with their behaviour. Choose something and stick to it. Also, choose the consequences to each action and stick to it.

Consistency is key. *Always* be consistent. It is tiring sometimes, but critical. Also, do not baby him. It is his own fault that he is getting into trouble.

One of my nephews was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD about 5 years ago. I was consisitent as the professionals said, his mother was not. He has extreme behavioural problems with everyone but me. I babysit him 6 days a week.

His brother, now 12, had issues as well, but the doctor just said he was jealous back then becuase of the extra attention his brother was getting. Not true, as his behavioural problems actually began before his mother was pregnant with his brother. But she went with the doctors diagnosis because it was easy to believe.

Now he is violent, destructive, rude and shows absolutely no respect for anyone. He has no remorse, empathy. And he will not take responsibilty for his actions, or even admit to them. He is too much for me to handle. If your boy shows no sense of remorse or empathy, please be sure that his counselor and psychiatrist know this.

My 12 year old nephew just began seeing a pschologist. I hope it is not too late for him.

Hi K.,

I am a 45 yo single woman waiting to adopt a baby giril from Vietnam. I work in mental health. I would recommend finding a child therapist (either ask the psychiatrist for a name or call your insurance company). Or you could ask if your insurance company authorizes Family Stabalization therapy (in home counseling to help parents and kids develop new strategies to manage difficult dynamics)If things get too out of control or dangreous, you can always go to the ER. Is he going to daycare or school? Good luck. M.

I definitely think you should keep him in therapy and maybe after his appointment he can have some one on one time with you or your husband. His behaviors are attention seeking and some kids are willing to take whatever kind of attention they get...whether its positive or negative. Keep up with a reward chart maybe the reward can be a movie with you that weekend or some time away from his siblings. At first be sure to keep the rewards easily reached for him to achieve success and he'll start to like to positive attention more so than the negative attention. But stick with it, it may take a couple of weeks.

Hi K., 1st of all God love you with all of these children, you are a stronger person than I. 2nd, are you and/or your husband spending any quality time alone with just you and your 5 yr. old? This is very important and necessary. It sounds like to me that he's very angry. Try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. I'm not saying what he's doing is ok, I'm just trying to make sense of his behavior. He was your one and only for what almost 3 yrs. then came your 2nd, then your 3rd. That is a lot of people taking "his place" in his mind. Have you tried just talking to him about how he feels, when your alone with him is best, take away all of the distractions. Maybe I'm wrong and you should try another Psychiatrist, they are human and sometimes get "it" wrong, I'm been a victim of that myself. A little info on myself, I was a Preschool teacher for over 15 yrs. and spent time with A LOT of 5 yr. olds with younger siblings. Good luck.

first and foremost: try seeing another doctor! if this doc is saying "oh hes just being a kid" and you clearly, in your heart, dont agree with her, then why settle for that answer?? i know from personal experience that a good psychiatrist is very hard to come by, so DO NOT just see one, especially when it comes to you childrens' safety. you have the lucky advantage of "mothers intuition" so if you feel there is something else going on with you child, then don't stop digging till you find it! good luck!

have you tried setting a certain time of day just for him and you with no interruptions from the siblings. He is obviously looking for attention and being so young that is the only way he knows to get it. Maybe if you when your husband gets home you can spend even a half hour everyday might help. Good luck

I would seek another opinion. I am a child psychiatric clinical nurse specialist, so I understand and work with kids with issues like those you are dealing with all the time. As you seem worried about the safty of you other children, it is an important issue to deal with. I am part of a great practice in West Boylston (Pediatric Behavioral Health)that has many people who could help you out. You can check out the website at www.pbhealth.org

Hi K....

Watch the TV show SuperNanny. I know that sounds kinda quirky, but I'm serious. She has some amazing ideas. If watching her isn't enough, maybe apply (and I hope you don't take that the wrong way, but she has helped many families in your situation).

I've been on mamasource for a while now and whenever anyone comes on here asking for discipline help, one of the most common responses is to watch that show. What she does really works.

Hope this helps....

R.
:)

Hi There,

I'm the Father of a Three year old liitle girl that can be a MONSTER!! When she starts being a BRAT, she gets a good Spanking. The child needs to know you mean business, so you are probably not giving hard enough spankings. My brother is a religious man and his kids get HARD spankings and that works on his 4 year old. I would try giving "HARD" spankings, the child should cry and feel both physical and mental pain. I think that would work. Think of it this way, if your child touched a red hot oven it would burn his hand and hurt right? and I bet you he would learn and really wouldn't want to do it again!!! So harden up your spankings and really let him know that you are seriuos and I think you will see a change in him. If he's bad in public, just let him know that he's going to get a spanking when he gets home and that will get him thinkning about what he's doing. I hope you try this, you shouldn't be ruled by a four year old child, remember you are the boss and what you say goes!! Oh by the way, I'm on my wifes computer, I just thought I would give you my insite on this perticular problem!! Good luck OK, remember, when your son is Bad you should give him a spanking when you say you are going to, don't tell him he's getting one and not give it to him OK Try this for a few days and it WILL WORK!! again good Luck...... Shaun

call a new therapist.. he may have bigger issues than sibling jealousy. Call your local school and speak with the adjustment councelors with your concerns so they can test him for behavioral issues. He sounds extreme and may need therapies or something more. Plus they will teach you how to deal with him at home too. good luck.

I know what you're going through. My children are the same age as yours, only six months ahead. When my oldest(five), was three, she was so crazy and really hard to control. We got the book 1-2-3 Magic and it really did help. If you read it and really stick to it, it does work. It sounds like it is a really bad case of jealousy. To make matters worse, you are really busy with the baby, and disciplining while exhausted like that is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. I can tell you from experience that spanking does not work, and is a giant waste of time. Using the time out the right way is the best thing you can do. Even if it means you have to find a way to give time outs that he can not get away. Maybe even keep a stroller in your house, that way you can buckle him in and make this the "time out" chair. We always use the same bottom step for time outs, and we always use a minute a year. So you buckle him in, set the timer for two minutes, and walk away. Taking the emotion out of discipline is so important. Usually by the end of a time out, the kid forgets why they are in there in the first place. So after a time out,you just remind them, give them a little hug, and then let it go. I have been through the whole thing, having screaming matches with a small child is exhausting and awful for everyone. You have to find a way to make the time out work for you, and then always do that. He can never win, or it will just get worse. Sorry you are going through this, but all I can tell you is hang in there, and rely on friends and family for help. Maybe you could have someone you trust watch the other two for a day or two so that you could really focus on the other one. Good luck.
I just realized I read your question wrong. I thought it was your middle child giving you trouble. My daughter went through exactly what your son is doing. She was so upset that we had more babies and less time. I ended up being so tired and so upset that I thought I was losing it. Get 1-2-3 magic, it saved us. It will get better, just hang in there.

have you tried spending time with just him, doing something fun? his behavior is ultimately a means of getting your attention, good or bad doesn't matter just so long as it's attention, try planning a time every week where someone takes your younger ones and you and your husband and Zach do something special together, he was an only child once and probably feels at a loss now, try this special time with him and let him know that he's still loved just as much as he always was, and that if he treats his siblings he will receive love back from them as well, also remember, he can not "reason" until he is about 8, so he can't really control or do anything about his feelings good or bad, just let him know you understand why he may feel like he does and show him in affection why he shouldn't feel bad feelings, be patient.

Best wishes :)

Hi K.-
Julie B's advice was very good, and I was thinking the same thing. The book she recomended is excellent. I have a friend whose son has Sensory Processing Disorder and behaved in a very similar way. In addition to the developmental pediatrician, call your local school system right away and ask them to set up a preschool screening session and mention SPD specifically. They will do a complete evaluation (no cost, paid for by school system in any town for kids over 3) and even if it is not SPD, they will look for other developmental issues that could be causing the problem. Recently went through this process with my 4yr old son for a communication disorder, and found the preschool screening team to be fabulous. An OT (occupational therapist), PT (physical therapist), lanuage therapist and preschool teacher will do a profile looking for specific issues. Based on the results, they may set up an IEP (individual education plan) for your son to get any services he may need (no cost, through school system!). Now is a great time to do this, before he enters school. My friend whose son had SPD noticed a huge improvement once he began getting the occupational therapy. He's quite bright, and much better behaved now. So good luck to you, hope all works out

Hi K.,
Love and Logic might be worth checking out. www.loveandlogic.com They have several books out and offer seminars and parent teaching. I learned a lot from taking a class when we lived in Colorado. Much of what they teach is about giving your child choices (which you really determine) and then establishing consequences (favorable and unfavorable)for behavior. Their methods work with older childen as well. Also, I love the book Between Parent and Child, by Haim Ginot, a classic parenting book that goes far beyong any "how to" book.
Take care,
L.