Extended Family Expects Me to Help Them Financially

That sounds really hard. People that have never had to earn their own money have no concept of what it means to be "loaded." We have an uncle in our family who is the same what. He even sued his own mom's trust for money to buy a $50k truck! So sad! Anyway, be as generous as you can for birthdays etc. but sending them money outright is not good. Unless they are willing to provide childcare, housekeeping or cooking for you, I would not pay them. They need to earn it if they want to be included. Of course, that is just my opinion. Good luck and take care!

Bounderies protect you and your family ( which is your husband & your children). What a giving heart & thoughtful gift for your grandfather> That is a choice you & your spouse made out of love & respect (perfectly w/ in bounderies). Great responses for your Aunts would simply be to rephrase their requests 3 x while clearly stating no in 3 different ways.
For example...If I hear you correctly I am hearing that you would like my husband and myself to kick in finacially for extended family.However , While I love my extended family My husband and myself agree that our finacial responsibility is to our children.As grown adults , we are carefully budgeting our money for their future. So forth
"Guilters" are skilled in appealing toward your loving heart. I have a older grown brother who is one.It took me years to get clear boundries w/ him.
Last time I told him..We are both grown adults & able bodied..I have a bank account ( for my family )& yours is closed how is that working for you?What are you willing to do to change that.needless to say he hasn't called for a while,but when he does /he knows it is just to be siblings like we are suppose to be.( not the softie I used to be)

I think that we all have people in our family who think everyone owes them.

It is not crazy to ask everyone to pithc in $140.00 for an 80th birthday because it is a special occassion. But, if your fmaily is over lower income it would seem a lot and to them because you can spend it and they can not you are loaded in there mind.

I know a lot of wealthy people and thet are always being asked them for money. Just because someone asks or thinks you should help does not mean you have to.

If you are eating steak and they are not eating at all I would consider that to be selfish of you. We are suppose to help take care of our family and help provide them the neccessities in life. If they are expecting the luxuries that's another thing.

You have to do what is in your heart. If you are doing it because you think you have to then you are not gaining any point with God.

Dear A.,
I was in the same situation--as I know a lot of people are. The requests came from siblings mostly--them wanting me to help them or their kids. I'm #5 out of 6--so they were usually older--a little intimidating for me. Finally, I did a financial study and it taught me how to say "no" politely--but firmly. You say, "--------(husband's name) and I have a family policy that we don't give out or loan money to family and friends" That's the end of it. Blame the policy. Always refer to the policy. They do stop after a while. Also, the going in on gifts is never a good idea b/c people are always at different financial stages. It's best to give what you want/can and not ask others to go in on any gifts. You don't always know what's going on in their financial lives.
Stay strong!
K.

let me ask you to look at this from aunties point of view, you (your immediate family) is flying out there (how much is that trip costing?), and want to give him a big dinner (even home made is expensive - how is that being paid for?) and huge gift via contributions. where are your aunts? in NC already? do they have the expense of travel? can you gauge from a far whether you think $140 is too much for them to handle (really - remember what it was like, regardless where their money comes from) or are they just being cheap?
i have issues like this in my family as well, and i have just accepted that some people just dont 'get it' so you plan to make up the difference financially with or without the rest of the families help or dont do it/offer a grand idea. your options may be leave them out of the cash pool(and they dont get the credit of the gift being from them too), have them give 20 bucks or 40 each for the 80, decide to downsize the gift, or suck up their part and do what you want.
have they asked you for money since this situation?
how does the rest of your family view the situation? that should give you some insight on how to feel or proceed.

the big thing in our family is when we all (10+ or any number really) get together to go out to dinner, they always nickle and dime the check and put in just their amounts. it always comes up short and my tendancy is just to put in my share and cover the balance rather than make a big deal out of it because it is SO annoying and i hate that situtuation. if you cant afford it - dont come! and if you can, pay and get on with it (and not that i always can, it is credit).

am i making sense? i guess ultimately it is accepting the peeps for the way they are and moving forward to not perpetuate all the stress involved, since it wont change anything anyway.

It may be a little too much to ask them to contribute that much if they struggle finanicially. However, DO NOT be an enabler and support them! Enabling = Crippling! You will regret it1! Unfortunately, it sounds like they have been crippled. I would not want to be accountable for crippling anyone! It's important people learn how to work for themself!
Good luck!