Explaining Why There Is No Dad

Hi A.,

I am not in your situation at all...but I guess, as I would tell anyone, be honest with your child...as age appropriate as possible, of course...

It's completely obvious your daughter is not lacking any love in her life - you sound like an amazing mom.

Best wishes to you and keep putting your daughter first - she will always have that gift with her.

J.

1 mom found this helpful

I am also a single mother trying to raise a set of 4 1/2 year old twins so I completely understand what you're going through. There are children's books available which show that families come in different shapes and sizes. However, I think its very important to introduce a father figure into her life whether that be your dad, an uncle or just a friend. My father has taken on that role and it has made such a difference in their lives. I think it would help tremendously. They don't ask about their dad because my father (their grandfather) has filled that void. As long as there is a father figure present, I think she will be fine. I wish you the best of luck with everything!!!

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
I think it is important to let her know that "everyone has a Dad." Seriously, Dads come in all shapes and sizes, and she might have gotten one that is not a great fit, or not to your liking, but really, EVERYONE HAS A DAD.

Pre-K is a great time for figuring out which thing goes where, red round peg into red round hole, tall guy on the left, woman on the right, kids in front with dog and cat. If your picture looks different, or you manage to get the round peg in the square hole, you will have to explain yourself and why you are different. (Welcome to pre-K).

While you are at it, you might want to let her know that some kids have a mom, some have 2 moms, some have only a dad, and some have 2 dads, then there are the traditional one mom one dad kids, as well as those who have an additional addult in the house. There are plenty of these people raising kids wherever you are, and even if you happen to see a couple of women with a baby, you can alsways act out the scenario of how that baby feels to have 2 mommies with her.

If there is some way for you to have him be a part of her life in some small way, even a photograph and a bit about why you did like him, once.

I got divorced when my son was in pre K, and my daughter in K. She was never phased, but Tomy's mom said he could not play with Sam because "Sam has no dad". The reality was that Sam had a dad. In New York. But Tommy could not play because Sam's Dad did not live with us. (We did some role playing and talking about family structures, and sold the house and moved to a more urban area.)

I'm not saying you should move, but it's going to take some patience to get through this, because people are small and petty and even if they don't say it to your face, they'll be thinking **as we all know, this would not be happening if there was a father in the house**, while they do little to help your daughter understand where she is in the world. Just remain calm and let your daughter see that there is not "one right way to be a family".

my 2 cents, anyway.
S.

Just say he lives very far away too far to visit and call, its much nicer than saying daddy doesn't want to see you. And If later on he comes around or she asks, atleast you don't have to explain why her "DEAD" father came to life and her grand pappa can't .

My mother used to just say we didn't have a father yet.
we were still looking for a good one. LOL

I liked that idea but there were sometimes when a teacher WOULD insist EVERYONE HAD A FATHER. which was worse than if they said nothing,

For fathers day I would just make something extra for my mommy.

you could also look into asking a relative, or long time friend to spend time with her, as a father figure. Make sure she understandsthat they are NOT her actuall father but they love her like she was their Daughter.

the truth is always the best way to go.

LAst resort, If its something you really want to do, you cold always call him ad explain to him that she is having trouble understanding,could he please just say something nice to her to make her feel better. If you think he wouldn't then don't bother,

M

Explain to her that there are many different types of families. There's a very good line in the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" that says something like, "all families are different, some families only have a mommy, some have two mommies, others have a grandma and a grandpa".

Although I can't think of any at the moment continue to look for books that illustrate differences family dynamics.

When it becomes absolutly necessary you'll need to explain (keeping it as simple as possible) that she does not have a daddy.

Hi A.,

Please go to your school guidance counselor and seek help. They are experienced and see everything possible. Your daughter will also be able to express all kinds of emotions to them as well. They will be very supportive in all sorts of ways.

Good luck,
D.

Hi Amy, I have been where you are with your daughter, only my daughter is now 17. I found that the best way to handle the situation was to be as honest as you can without bashing the other party. That sounds very difficult I know, but for us it ended up working out best. I would allways answer her questions truthfully and kept it on her level of thinking.
For instance now she will probably process something like, you have a dad, but he lives far far away. If she askes you where, tell her you dont have that information. As she gets older you will be able to add to that depending on her age and eventually she will come to know that you have done your best to be honest. I think the worst mistake you can make is to lie and have her find out years later what the truth really is. You will end up the villan not him, and you never know when they will decide they want to be a part of the childs life, they seem to show up out of nowhere.
So protect yourself and your relationship with your daughter and be honest, its ok, and much healthier for both of you.
hope this helped.

Dear A. V,

Just tell you daughter the truth. Keeping the truth from her will only make things much more difficult for your daughter to understand later on in life. I think at five years old your daughter understands a lot of things, as you so explained in your request for directives from other single parent. It is not difficult to tell the truth.

Your little daughter will appreciate you much more as she developes in this life. God has blessed you for mother-hood. Best of luck as you thank God for the gift of your daughter.

A.

Hi A.,
My first thought is that the outbursts that you are noticing might not even be due to your daughter noticing that a man ( aka a dad) is not coming to pick her up. I don't have a concrete answer - however at some point- an age appropriate explanation
that builds a picture of your loving family- without a dad is
what's in your future. Something like the man who was in your life at the time- helped create you ( your daughter) and
that's great and that was his purpose- to help create her.
That's it- keep it simple.
hope this helps a little.
J.

Hi A.,

If the preschool has a social worker or psychologist, I would make an appointment to talk to this person, who can give you advice on discussing lack of dad, and point you to resources such as books. Her teachers may have some resources as well.

Is there a male relative, an uncle or grandpa, who can spend some more time with her, and maybe pick her up at school or volunteer in her class one day? While it's not her dad, I bet it would make her feel special and that she'd enjoy showing off her important guy to the class

Good luck!

You might want to tell her that you and her Dad parted a long time ago because you didn't get along very well...shortly after, his job took him far away and you don't know where he is. You don't know why he doesn't call or come to visit but don't bad mouth him. Answer all her questions as honestly as possible but try to keep it simple and be sure to let her know you love her very much and that this isn't her fault....

Also ask her about what is going on at school and listen closely...maybe some of the children are teasing her...?? You also might want to let her teacher know what is going on at home and hear what the teacher has to say about her behavior in school.

It might be helpful to find and join a local single parent group....Take her to all their children events so she can play with others who also only have one parent. That way she will learn that she's not the only child in the world with one parent.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry for your daughter. I can only hope that she will grow up without an empty space of confusion for a lack of understanding. Do your best. If you like, I can recommend someone to speak with. Maybe you can go on a one on one appointment and explain the situation to get an idea of the best way to approach the situation. You might also be able to take your daughter to that same person who would already have an idea of what's going on so she can speak her heart. Sometimes children do not want to speak to their parents. Especially if you are the only one that is there. There is nothing that you can ever tell her that will make her feel ok about her father not being around. All you can do is continue to be the outstanding mother that you are. Always be there for her and don't talk bad about the father. She will hopefully grow up to be a wonderful young lady who doesn't lack for any love because she got enough from you while she was growing up. I hope I helped. Let me know if you would like that contact information. Best of luck to you from one mother in the same situation to another.

Hi you should tell her that God gives only some kids a mommy and a daddy but the really really special kids get just a Mommy because God knew that you would love her so much that it wouldn't make a difference.Also tell her that God is looking for a really special Daddy for her because she is so special! Tell her that God deciedes these things and when he finds the right one he will come its just taking him a little longer because you are so wonderful that he wants to make sure that he picks the best! :)I really don't think you should get too deep yet shes only 5. You will have plently of time to explain it later. The idea now is just to keep her happy and motivated and too make sure she knows that she is loved very much! Explaning that familes come in all shapes and sizes is a good idea too, let her know she is not the only kid in the world w/o a Dad. I'll be honest I really don't know the best way to approch your situation but keep it simple. Shes 5 there will be time. Fairy Tales is a good way too. The truth will come in time. Do it how you feel best what your heart tells you. Only you know what is best for your baby girl. Goodluck sweetie and take care hope I was of some help :) God Bless, K.

All families are different, some kids have a mommy and a daddy, some have 2 mommies and no daddy, somekids live with aunts and uncles...it's the same as some people have lots of brothers and sisters and some don't...point out differences when you see them, Look that mommy has 3 kids but I just have you...they drive a big car but we have a small one, some people live in cities and some on farms and so on...she's feeling left out and there is really nothing you can do about those feelings except for helping her to understand that everyone is different and hopefully that will help her not feel so isolated...plus on "father's day" at school let her take Grandpa or skip it all together and do something fun together. My best advice is don't feel bad for her and treat her like something's wrong or she will feel that way. Some kids don't have any parents and she's lucky to have one great one. (you could always show her pictures of adopted kids there is so much media attention on it, it wouldn't be hard to find)...Good luck!

I don't have any personal experience with this but I know that a friend of mine who adopted (she's a single mom) found some good tips on an adoption website.
Good luck!
With adoption they have always told us that the truth is the best way to go, as long as it's age-appropriate. She will probably be sad and angry but those are OK feelings to have, I think as long as she feels she can express her feelings to you that's a good thing. She may need some words for her feelings as they are new to her and these feelings may scare her.
Good luck

Hi A., I know there is no easy way. If your daughter is asking she needs to know the truth on her level. You could say "Your dad left before you were born. He does not know what he is missing" I don't know how you feel about this but you could say the some day we will look for a new daddy together. Pray for an answer,the Lord will hear you. My best wishes, Grandma Mary

Dear A.,
it is very difficult what to say to a 5 year old but my advice to you is just sit her down and tell her that you love her very much and will always love her then tell her " yes, other children in your class have mommies and daddies but there are others who do not. Just because your daddy is not in your life you are still very special. Your daddy is not able to be here with you, i know if he could he would be." tell her that she must be a nice little girl so her friends at school will like her and will play with her. I think that's all she needs to know right now. When she gets older and can handle it then tell her more. If i was you i'd check the boy's and girls club or your church and see if anyone would be interested in being a mentor for her. Just having a man in her life to share her life with will make a whole lot of difference. I raised 3 boys all by myself too so i know how hard it is. God bless you