Explaining Death to a 3 Year Old - Tampa,FL

Hey T.,

Children have a way of making us face our own beliefs. Best thing is to explain your belief and why you believe as you do in child like terms. Not knowing your belief it is hard for me to advise, only to say that your sincerity and honesty will be noticed by your son. It's ok to remind him also when he asks about the dog that Buzzy has a new home now (for me I'd say with the Lord). For me I'd explain how Buzzy was such a special dog that God needed Him in a special place and that Buzzy is happy and enjoying this new home and that one day later in life we get to visit other people's special places, but we have to do things in this place first before we can go. Buzzy can't come back because he is busy in his new home doing wonderful things for the Lord and others. (Now, this is the example of how I present my belief in kid terms :) ) This would lay the foundation for future death. But you need to ask yourself what you belief, because children do want to know.

Hugs,
H.

1 mom found this helpful

T., First, I'm so sorry about your dog. My dogs are family members. 'Pet' just has never been a good enough word.
Now, about explaining death to your son. In my humble opinion, I believe that children only understand the concrete. Black and white. Alive and dead. "Heaven," while a lovely concept, really has no actual meaning to a small child. There is alive, which we are. There is dead, which is what Buzzy is. Harsh, yet understandable. Simple, yet says it all. When you die, you do not come back. This does, admitedly, take all religious belief out of the picture, but I just do not believe it's something that makes any sense to kids. And like your son has already wondered, if Heaven is so great, why can't I go too?
My kids are 3 and 5. We have dealt with the deaths of pets, lizards in the yard, family members, and friends. While our explanation of "He's dead, which means you won't see him anymore. He will not be here tomorrow or the next day" may seem cold and unfeeling, it's also always been 'good enough' for them to understand. It only has ever taken maybe one gentle reminder that, for example, cousin Larry will not be at dinner Sunday, honey, because he died remember? Oh, yes, mommy, I forgot. We won't see him anymore because he died. Simple. Not pretty, not elegant, not even poignant. But concrete and 'good enough.'
I am sorry about your Buzzy. I've been there, done that, and will be there again soon with our two family dogs. And my hope is that, when the time comes, that my boys will understand that Putter and/or Micky is 'dead' and we will miss her because we will not see her again. We can deal with the sadness of the loss, but there hopefully won't be any confusion to make the situation even sadder.
Good luck to you, and I do hope one day your family finds their hearts filled with the joy of a new furry playmate for your son.

1 mom found this helpful

My cat passsed away when my son was three. We had a "funeral" for her and I let my son pick flowers and say something nice about the cat. Several months later my brother passed away and I had to really explain to him what happened. I was hard but he was a very bright and intuitive little boy. He also would ask when he was coming back and why he couldn't go to "heaven" and visit. It was all normal questioning, and I just answered his questions without getting too deep. We keep picures of my brother up now and we celebrate his birthday every year. I think being honest and explaining things to them where it isn't fearful is the best way to handle it. Death shouldn't be scary. It is something ALL of us with go through and have to deal with whether 3 or 90. Give him a hug and tell him you will all miss Buzzy, but that you can always smile when you think of how much fun she brought into your life. And when the time is right, maybe you can get a new puppy. R.

Our family dog was hit by a car. My kids are 2 & 5, and my husband explained that she didn't look both ways. Now she is with angels. I knew my kids would keep asking questions, so we had to tell them the truth.

Hi T., We have a 4-1/2 year old that is very inquisitive like your son. He lost his geat grandmother last year and asked lots of questions. We explained that she was in heaven with God, Jesus and all our other family members. We also explained (so he wouldn't fear death) that one day in the far future we would all be together, but it wasn't something to worry or think about now. He still asks questions, in fact he asked me if I would be taking my purse to heaven with me. Since my purse goes with us everywhere I said probably. He then asked how he would give me hugs, kisses and and get the gum he likes (which is always a staple in my purse). I suggest answering his questions as honestly as possible without all the scarry stuff. Where if you are a Christian isn't scarry.

Your son is normal. As a very general rule, we don't understand the permanence of death until around four. Now if only no one loved by a child under four ever died --but life isn't that convenient. Books can help, if not make death make sense at least let your son know that your pet's not coming back. I remember 'Then Tenth Good Thing About Barney' being a useful one when we had to explain this to my daughter. Your veternarian or pediatrician may have some suggestions, or your librarian. This too shall pass. Condolences on your pet.

Hi T.,

My father died the day before my daughter's fourth birthday. We never considered telling her anything but the whole truth, and she handled it well. She was appropriately sad and asked a lot of questions, which we answered to the best of our ability. Grandpa got sick and his body couldn't go on living - we are so happy to have had him with us for so many years. She saw me and my mom and sisters crying, and laughing, and crying some more, and just dealing with it. In retrospect, I think she saw a lot that week, but it was a healthy process that is a fact of life.

We have found that it never fails to be honest with the kids on a level they can understand.

Good luck,
J.

I just read an article last night about this in the spring 2008 issue of Toddler magazine-the artice was really about pets and the benefits they provide to our cjildren, but there was a section devoted to death w/pets. That "they will feel sad in regards to the death of their pet but typically aren't scared by death." explain that your dog has passed away/died whatever terminology you feel most comfortable with, then together figure out a way to honor your beloved pet (funeral, memorial, parade, etc)together-to keep your child from developing fear about death 2 simple reasons are that the pet was very old or that he/she got a disease DO NOT say the pet is going/went to sleep...............I would look for the article online, or if you would like, I could try to scan it and email it to you.......GOOD LUCK! L.

Being honest is important, but very hard to do. It can be beneficial for both of you to have some materials available to help your child understand what you're explaining to him.

There are books specifically for young children that deal with death. Some are specific to pets, while others might focus on human family members. A children's librarian at the local library can help you find one to best suits your child's needs.

The movie Charlotte's Web handles the subject of death in a gentle way.

Hospice has written materials available that can be used with children (see first link below). They are generally very willing to help, even if the loss is a pet. In addition, they offer a special camp for children who have experienced a loss. Second link shows various Hospice services geared to children.

http://www.thehospice.org/resources_support/downloadable_...

http://www.thehospice.org/resources_support/child_family_...

This is a rough one but you are right. You need to set the ground work for his inderstanding of death.
First question that I have is when he wants you to let her in does he "know" that she is out there? He could be a sensitive and that makes what you say all thew more important.
I would think that being truthful is the best. If it were me I would tell him that this earth is a place where we come to visit and have friends, pets and family but we all stay only for awhile. Then we go back to the home that we left so that we could visit here. When we leave it does not mean that we are parted from friends and family forever because we still love them. When they go back home we will all be together again.
Tell him that Buzzy is with (a loved one who has gone on that loved animals). This person is taking care of him/her intil he can go take care of her.
This is pretty heavy for a 3 yr old but he needs to begin to have a friendly idea of the afterlife. He needs to know that death is only a "until we meet again". Just answer his questions w/ love and on the level that he can understand.
Best of luck!!

S.

Go to Parents magazine website or babycenter.com. I have seen articles on this issue both places. It is where I read not to use the "sleeping" explanation as well. You do need to explain this, a 3 year old can understand. Her body stopped working so she went to heaven. Even though you miss her, you are happy because she is somewhere she has lots of dogs to play with. This is so hard, I hope he handles this well.

It is wrong of you not to have told him the truth from the start. My daughters were 3 and 5 when they had to say goodbye to their Great Grandmother. I am glad I took them to the Funeral home for visitation. Hiding things from children hurt them more than telling them the truth. That is what is wrong with a lot of kids today. Their parents don't tell them the facts of life and leave it up to them to learn from others. Sit him down and tell him the truth. There are lots of good childrens books at the Library on death. I know there are at least two on the death of their pet. Learn from this mistake, tell him the truth when he asks, don't hold things back from him.

Our dog just died a couple months ago when our dd just turned 3. We took her with us to the euthanasia, which at first seemed like too much, but ended up being the right choice for us. Since her level of understanding is not fully developed, it wasn't traumatic or stressful. We were upset but kept our cool, so she saw that it was sad, but that we were all together and there for each other...and talked about how much we loved her and cared for her. We used truthful terms like her dying and that she was very old and too sick for the Dr to make feel better. During the next month she would ask if Cocoa was coming home (she thought she was just boarding, which she had gone with us to drop her off before) and I would say no. She would say that she is dead and that she missed her....then in the same breath she would do or say something totally unrelated...her thought process is still ever changing! We still talk about her occassionally and how great she was. We also keep pictures out. I think it's important not to hide anything, especially your feelings. Kids learn from example and expressing sadness and grief is normal (of course to an extent, and not overbearing) and they learn it is ok to cry and have loved ones near for support. All of these examples will build the way they handle stress and/or loss later in life when they really feel it and understand it.... Being open, honest and seek support and love of God and family are great ways to teach children about coping and loss. Best wishes and I am so sorry for your family's loss....

We've had four of our pets die since the kids were born, and from about when my kids were aged two and up we've explained that they pets had gotten old and had gotten too sick for the doggie and kitty doctor to make them better, so they'd had to go up to heaven. And that of course we were going to miss them so much, and they would miss us, but that heaven was a beautiful place and up there they wouldn't be sick anymore and they could spend the whole day running around playing, or sleeping if they wanted to, and that they would watch over us and our other pets to make sure we were doing okay. My dad died not long after one of the dogs, and we told the kids that the animals were so excited to have grampy up there with them because now they had someone who loved them to pet them and hang out with. The kids still will sometimes say how they miss grampy, or Calvin, Spike, Milo or Sammy, but they get it, and they know that we've got our other pets at home to love and care for, and we've got the four that are gone in four little urns on the bookcase because they will always be treasured members of our family.

I wish I had the answer to this one myself. My son is 8 and is visiting my parents for the summer, our dog of 6 years died this week. We don't know how he's going to take it, we are waiting until he is home to tell him. If you get any good advise, please pass it on

My 3 and 6 year old girls had just dealt with death. My grandma passed away while visiting my parents this summer. We knew her time was limited and planned for the worst. My 6 year old spent more time with great grandma, while my 3 year old didn't get to see her in the hospital. When we had to go to the funeral home my 6 year old kind of understood what I told her. My 3 year old was asking a lot of questions but I answered every one on her level. She asked if Great grandma was in heaven, was she going to be buried in the ground in her jewelry box (coffin). Can I touch her hands or give her a last kiss. Things like that throughout the viewing. My mom, aunts and uncles thought my girls did well (I did too). I was opened and honest to their questions. They both went to another funeral when my oldest was 3 and the baby was a few months. They didn't remember that of course. But the passing of my grandma they should remember. Other then close family my girls would not be at the funeral home but they wanted to see Great Grandma one last time. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. We've also flushed many fish down the toilet and they again know they went to fish heaven.

T.,

At the age of 3 the child does not understand death.

There is a great Children's book "Dog Heaven" I boughtt it long before I had kids. There is a 'Cat Heaven" as well. Colorful & well written. I cry everytime I read them.

There are some good grief websites that address grief in children of all ages.

The Hillsborough Animal Health Foundation has links to them.

www.HAHF.org

Pet Loss webist & Rainbow bridge may be helpful as well.

The literature for human loss directed toward children is helpful as well.

I actually haven't had the death yet, but I have been reading a daily prayer book to my son (who is now almost 5) for a few years now. When he turned 4, he started saying he wanted to go see God and stay there with him. This was very hard to deal with, but we got passed it. There were a few books at the library that talked about heven that were meant for kids - I cannot for the life of me remember the names of the books. But, you could call the library and ask them to look them up for you. They were for children and it helped him out tremendously.

We have a 12 year old dog that is going down hill fast, so I do not envy your situation at the moment. It isn't easy and I am not looking forward to my time, but the books did help him understand what heven was all about. I had to show him pictures of my grandparents (none of which he had ever met) and go through the motions of where they are and why he had never met them. I think that may have helped as well. He is very curious about everything and is very sensitive in being careful with animals and insects. He is all about preserving life and letting thigs go, etc.

Good luck!