Expecting Mom Looking for a Book for Expecting Other Half

Hi D.,
Reading your request made me angry. I had to remind myself that you are pregnant and therefore more prone to being emotional and unreasonable. Your "other half" was trying to help and you discouraged him. Your baby is not due for 3 more months and the bleach which is very disinfecting will be dissipated before you put your baby into the bassinet. Your behavior runs the risk of making him resentful of the baby before it even gets here. Have you given any thought to what he is feeling? How this baby is going to change his life forever? Maybe he's afraid it's going to affect whatever relationship you two have. You are showing him that it is definitley going to affect it in a negative way. Yeah, you're carrying the baby, but you are both pregnant, and both going through stuff. Get a grip before you end up raising this child alone. Apologize for your inconsideration and let him participate in ways he feels comfortable.

I just went back and read your first entry about wanting to do this by yourself and with your mom and friends, and felt like he was intruding and what a pain his mom is because she's already bought $400 worth of clothes for the baby. D., I would strongly suggest you get some counseling before you alienate some really important people in your childs life.

I know I run the risk of offending you, and that is truely not my intention, but as a mother of 4 grown children, a grandmother, and a woman who has recently lost her first born son in a motorcycle accident I know that the most important things in life are people, and your baby will need a daddy who is 1. Loved and honored by it's mommy. 2.Allowed to participate and raise the child. 3. Not treated like his family is second rate and not important. This isn't about you and what you want, it's about what's best for your baby.
I wish you and your new family the best.

4 moms found this helpful

Dear D.,
Congratulations on your first baby!
I was pregnant with my first baby exactly 23 years ago.
Oh, how the time goes by so quickly.
I'm wondering if you were a more relaxed and carefree type of person before your pregnancy or if being pregnant has really exaggerated perfectionistic tendencies.
You really should be enjoying this time of your life.
It seems as though you've taken it upon yourself to drive yourself to exhaustion over everything being just exactly in it's place according to what you've read and what this information says and that information says.
You are overloading your own circuits. It's no wonder that you blow a fuse.
I know it's your first baby and you want everything to be just right. But, take a deep breath and realize that women have been having babies since the dawn of time. They didn't have Lamaze classes or breast pumps or disposable diapers (or washing machines), electricity or how-to books...the human race didn't die off.
I honestly think that once your baby is born, you are going to realize that all the time you spent researching and worrying and obsessing about everything being perfect was such a waste of time. There's nothing wrong with being informed, but not one thing you read will most likely apply when your separate little human being arrives and isn't with the program because they weren't reading the same manual for 9 months while you were slaving in the "outside" world to be prepared.
Honey, your kid is going to eat dirt, poop in the bathtub, pee on the floor, get scraped up....
I hate to tell you this, but bleach in certain situations will become your best friend.
It's just all part of it. Embrace it all.
I personally think that you should be glad to have a husband who is more low-key than yourself. If both of you were having conniptions every 5 minutes, I don't know how you would get through any of what lies ahead of you. Taking a more calm approach is not the same thing as not caring, being lazy, or being "clueless". It really isn't. I promise.
I have a friend who is a very "Type A" personality. I love her, respect her. We've been friends for ages.
But let me tell you....I would not be married to her if it was the only way to save my own life. In fact, I'd just cut to the chase and jump off a bridge.
Her husband doesn't sweat the small stuff and she can't stand that about him. Case in point...she went on a tear about how she had to do everything and never got any help and she wasn't appreciated. Her husband cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher, swept and mopped the floor....
For whatever reason, instead of relaxing and letting him do it, she felt the need to go into the kitchen, open up the dishwasher and have a complete melt-down over the way he had loaded the dishes. She didn't close the door and let them finish washing anyway, she made a huge fuss over HAVING to take all the dishes out and HAVING to reload everything herself, the RIGHT way, and telling him if he can't do it right, then it's not really HELPING her.
She couldn't say thank you and she couldn't just let the dishes get washed as they were.
He's never tried again since, and she still doesn't understand why he won't just do everything exactly the way she wants it.
He's not a child. As long as the dishes are clean....
She's not even pregnant so that's why I asked if you tend to be that type of person in the first place.
Don't alienate your husband. You're going to really need him. See the beauty in not worrying so much about little things. Don't waste your precious time on things that 23 years later will not have mattered one single bit.
Get a massage. Calm down. Thank God for your husband.
Let go a little bit and let him help you. If you are a high strung person, take a chance on letting him be the one who can kind of level you out to a happy place in the middle.
I wish you the very best. I really do.
You will be a great mom!
Just relax and let it happen.....

Find your way as you go.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear D.,

It is so easy to get caught up in doing the perfect thing that we lose sight of the love and relationships around us. I have re-read and edited this twice to try not to sound harsh- and I hope that I have mostly succeeded. It is hard, in writing, to convey gentleness and empathy.

That said, it sounds like you are trying to control the situation (and your husband) a little more than is possible! Really can't help you with any advice books, but I would make the recommendation that you stop reading EVERYTHING and then resenting your husband for not! Some behavior can be chalked up to hormones, but some is just personality differences. I am sure your husband doesn't care about every little detail the way you do, and I am sure he doesn't fully understand how much your body and you are changing- that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or your new family together. The best you can do is explain to him what you want for the baby (like the no chemicals, no bleach thing) and how overwhelmed you are feeling. And the best he can do is support your reasonable wishes and reassure you that he still loves you no matter what. I hope that you are reconciled to the fact that he will do things differently than you as a parent; he may put the baby in clothes that don't match, swaddle the baby in a big blanket instead of a receiving blanket, put the baby down when you think he should hold the baby, and let the baby cry a little more or less than you think he should. For your sanity, you will need to give up some of your controlling nature or you will end up with a husband so worried about making you angry that he will not help!

So, eat healthy foods, take your vitamins, make sure you have a comfy place for the baby to sleep when he/she comes home, plus diapers, and try to relax! The other stuff is not worth the anxiety. You don't need to spend hours agonizing over the perfect stroller, for instance. Ask around, read a review or two, and make a choice. If you are cleaning stuff, then make clear to your husband that you only want to use x to clean the things because you are worried about the chemicals, and then only have x handy. (by the way- if you are still worried about the bleach, you can set the bleached piece in the sun and it'll help dispel the chlorine).

You will not know, until your baby is actually born, how much that little life will pour all your plans and expectations out the window! I am not saying give up your expectations, but rather, pick you battles and don't stress about everything and ask for your husband's help and understanding rather than demanding it. He loves you and is exited about the new baby, too. It is a tough time for a guy precisely because he doesn't understand all the weird feelings hormones and pregnancy give you. Try to talk with him instead of to him...

Best wishes to your new family!

2 moms found this helpful

Dads bond with a child does not begin until after the baby is born. Something to remember.

I went through a lot of what you are describing with my first son, I am now 8 months along with boy#3. i felt my husband should have been more involved, read to the baby inside of me, read books and research like I was doing, but he did none of that, and I often found myself saying to him "do you even want this baby". But when our son came and my husband cried at the delivery and was very emotional, got up with me every two hours so I could nurse the baby, on weekends I would wake up and find my husband and son asleep on the recliner together. And that's when I knew that I was just being a first-time pregnant mom, I was emotional, paraniod and wanted everything to be so perfect.

Things I did to encourage my husband to become more involved during the pregnancies:

1. Instead of giving him a whole book to read, which I knew wasn't going to get read and then only frustrate me more. I would talk about what I was reading and ask his opinion. I had newsletters and flyers on the babies development and I would read them at bedtime and show him the pictures and this would attract his attention and he would start asking more questions.

2. I would say things things like "did you know that the baby now has fingernails, he can open and close his eyes, or he can know hear you if you talk to him, and he would then start talking to my belly, and telling the belly who he was and how he couldn't wait to see him. (With the first two boys I had to encourage these conversations, by now I don't have to say anything and he does it.Is it everyday, NO, but that fact that he does it without me saying something is gratifying enough) Something NEW I learned with this pregnancy, was that sometimes you could hear the babies heartbeat after 7 months along, I told my husband this and everyonce in a while he sticks his ear to my belly hoping to hear the babies heartbeat.

3. My husband did the baby registry with me on our first son and I was so frustrated with him because he attempted to talk me out of everything that I wanted. After that I either go by myself or take a friend which is so much more FUN. If it is something you want to do together with your husband then set a time where you both go and have him hold the scanner while you pick the products, that is what I did with #1 and it worked for us.

4. He walks with me. I still like to take walks and he will also encourage me to walk as well when I don't feel up to it. And just knowing that he is involved in my helath is important.

5. My husband has no idea when my docotrs appointments are. With babies #1 and 2 and he went to the first appoinments and ultrasounds and that was it. Baby #3 he went to the unlatrasound. But I call him at work after every appointment. I make the effort and he will stop what he is doing and take the time to listen about the doctor's appointment. Does he ever ask about them, NO, becasue he never remembers when I have one, but does that mean he doesn't love this child or not involved NO. I don't really give him the option to not be involved. I tell him how the appointment went and he says great or will ask a question or two and that's it. 5 min. tops covnversation and I feel happy because he took the time to listen.

Men don't fully understand what we our going through, they have no emotional connection to the babies inside us until they come out and begin to develop their bond with our children then. I learned this the hard way and had a very frustrating and emotional first pregancy and once I realized that when the baby is here and how our husbands react to them then is what really counts. Not what they do while we are pregnant. My husabnd is a wonderful father and loves his children deeply, and even now from time to time he wll bring up how hard I was on him with our first son and I will say I know, I didn't really understand that he was going through emotions as well, different from ours, but they are changing too. And we need to remind ourselves of that.

It doesn't mean that our husbands love us any less or our baby's they just approach preganacy different, and once the baby gets here you will see a change, he will bond with your child and you will wonder whatever you were fighting over. It's not worth your frustration. Enjoy this time and enjoy becoming a mother.

Congratulations on your frist child and best of luck.

Take Care.

2 moms found this helpful

The bottom line......MEN DON'T GET IT!!! Unless there is a TV wrapped around it or whatever they're into, they don't put effort into things like we do. That's just the way they are. I went into pregnancy knowing that my husband wasn't going to be reading books or picking out crib bedding with me. I DRUG him to Babies R Us and ended up going back again and again and changing stuff online. Don't think that he DOESN'T care......guaranteed, he's got ALOT going on in his head about the fact the he is going to be a first-time dad (my husband shared that with me when I bitched him out one time when I was pregnant with our first). So, don't think he doesn't care and isn't going through this with you.....he's just doing it differently because they are 'wired' different then us!!
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

You have got a lot that you are dealing with and it seems that maybe you alone and then you and your other half should get some counseling. You are trying to be the best mom possible, but the best thing you can do for your unborn child is not stress out about so much. The baby is not going to care about any of the research that you are doing, she will need and thrive on your love. I know what it is like to be pregnant and have turmoil in your life, I got pregnant with twins when we were having major marital problems. I had to really try and not stress out about pointless things, because I had other stresses coming at me that had to be dealt with. All the stuff that people obsess over is really unnecessary. You cannot change who he is, you can only work on yourself. Men are just differant than women and even me as a woman and a mother of 5 kids sees that you are putting some unnecessary stress on yourself. Try and really stop doing research and trying to change who he is. This unborn baby inside you feels all of your feelings, it really is not good for her to feel so much of your stress. Ok, so I also have another piece of advice. I don't know what your religious background is, but the one thing that has gotten me through the hardest times in my life is God and a personal relationship with Christ. How I see this, is God has brought you and this man together and He has created this blessing for the two of you. It was no accident. I really hope and pray that you will not give up, relationships and marriages are alot of work. Feel free to email me if you would like

1 mom found this helpful

I don't want to be harsh, but after reading this post I feel sorry for your husband/boyfriend. Maybe you're just having a bad day and need to vent (?) but you sure don't sound very joyful about your pregnancy. It's one thing to read a few books and be informed but I think you need to relax...a LOT.
My first was born 16 years ago. I read two pregnancy/child development books and one breastfeeding book. I made my husband go to a childbirth prep class with me (he mostly just sat there being uncomfortable.) I didn't have the internet and its "wealth" of information. I never had a baby registry, I bought what was needed when I realized I needed it.
I guess my advice is to stop trying to figure out everything now, you haven't had the baby yet so you really don't know how your life is about to change. And as frustrating as it is, your partner cannot possibly understand what you're going through. Don't push him away by being controlling and critical. If he is looking forward to this baby as much as you are then you two should be laughing and sharing and dreaming right now...not arguing over the use of bleach!
Best of luck to you, I hope once the baby arrives you are able to enjoy being a mom. It is the best thing in the world if you let it be :)

1 mom found this helpful

D.-

Congrats on your first baby! I just wanted to say that husbands cannot be expected to know or understand what we are going through.

But don't treat him like he doesn't care or like an idiot. Come to terms with the fact that you cannot control every little issue that comes up, give him credit for still hanging around and apologize.

Your marriage is very important and if you want to give your child the best life, then love and respect your husband.

I agree that you need to chill out, communicate your frustrations/anxieties to him without accusing him, just talk about how you feel.

When watching a show with my husband while I was pregnant with our twins (we have 5 girls), the host of the show was talking about Llama's reproducing, the host said that if the female llama was pregnant then she would hiss and spit at the male if he tried to mount her. My husband looked at me and asked if I was part llama! We cracked up together and realized that I could have my moods, but to not take it out on him.

We're very happily married. It isn't perfect, but I've let go of so much control of things I am really happy now.

Good luck to all 3 of you. Life is not about your circumstances, but how you respond to them.

Take care,

D.

1 mom found this helpful

D., I agree with all the other posts - you need to calm down and relax. As a Mom of twin 3 yr old girls, one with major health issues, please believe me when I say you will never feel fully prepared. Reading books or the internet can get obsessive and will prevent you from being an active Mom. Also, men do NOT understand anything about pregnancy. It sounds as though you are not including your partner in the pregnancy, but instead dictating to him what to do, how to do it and when. Back off!! Once the baby arrives, if you continue to exclude him from being involved with the baby, he will eventually step away and allow you to do all the work since you have basically told him that you think he is incompetant. So he used bleach - BIG DEAl!! I highly recommend that you start communicating and involving him in all aspects of the pregnancy such as doctor appointments, discussions about vaccinations and schedules. Pick your battles and let him be involved. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I know how you feel - I had a small stack of books for my husband to read before our little ones arrival and he put off reading them - then when I was in labor and we were packing for the hospital, he started throwing them in his bag! I almost killed him - but now we laugh at it and it is our family joke. Most guys just don't get it until the baby arrives. Enjoy this time now with your sweetie! I agree - go to the movies, go out to dinner, go see some music, spend time the two of you. Once your little arrives it is harder to have a night out with your sweetie.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi D.,

Although this is not specifically to show him how you are feeling during pregnancy. I think this would be the PERFECT gift to present to him, right after the baby is born. It's called "GODS little Lessons on Life For DAD" by Honor Books.
It has a section in the front for the date and to whom it was presented to and why. (you can even say it is a gift from the baby). Each new page has an emotion listed at the top, followed by biblical verses to show us how we should respond to that emotion, and then a very touching short story on the facing page to support it. For example, Anger is page one and two. Some Bible verses are " A soft answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger", "How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire, and the tounge is a fire" , "Good sense makes a man slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense". The short story is about how the father lashes out at the daughter because she happened to "be there". He apologised, and she said she accepted it, even though she might not want to. She told her father he was teaching her patience. The final words: "Our families have a way of nailing us with their honesty. Rather than being defensive, we should accept what they say and let it help us to grow into the image of Christ" . other pages deal with burdens, comfort, conflict, courage, dissapointment, encouragement, gratitiude, guidance, integrity,love, marriage, mercy, patience, perservereance, self control, suffering, truth, and many more.

Also, I want to suggest THREE MORE books for you guys to read. For YOU to read: " Sacred Influence; What a Man Needs From His Wife to be the Husband She Wants" by Gary Thomas. For HIM to read , I suggest, "If He Only Knew; What No Woman Can Resist" by Gary Smalley.

D., your disagreements are a heart issue, and they won't go away with the end of the pregnancy. In fact, they will be amplified once the baby comes. I think BOTH of you have needs that are not being met by the other and that is a dangerous place to be. Instead of a pregnancy book, I would work on your needs as a person, separate of the pregnancy fact. "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS" is another excellent book. In fact, all three of these books can help you address the core issues you have going on.

My husband and I were on the verge of a divorce. These books helped us see clearly how we could change the others behavior by changing ourselves. It's amazing. It's the only way to get real change. You can't force someone esle to change, but miraculuously, if you change , you will see a paradigm shift in their behavior.
ps...As far as being able to get your better half to read another book, when my husband saw me reading a book about being a better wife, he was very willing to read the book about being a better husband!

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds a bit like a movie I've seen---can't remember the title!

You do sound exhausted...I respect your dedication to doing what you think is best.
But try to get some rest, and realize that although you are doing wonderful things (trying to be informed and make the best possible decisions) your S.O. also has a point---Even though he hasn't researched the latest products and theories, he knows that babies can be just fine without so much fuss. For example, one of my sisters (who was a single mom in her late twenties, doing it alone) brought her baby daughter home in a clothes basket, and also used the clothes basket as a bassinet. it doesn't matter to a baby if you have the "best" or the "right" stuff, just that there is love and food and the basics. Obviously you want to avoid lead, haha---but an occasional cleaning product here and there will be ok.
The specific book you are looking for may not exist...but try to give your S.O. a little credit for at least trying to help with something, even if he didn't remember your preferences for the task. I'm sure he wasn't trying to be inappropriate, and I suspect he feels your resentment and disapproval... He's going through changes in his life, also, though not as many as you.
Maybe he can help with other types of things, or maybe you can both try discussing the logistics of what to do when the baby comes---he might be more drawn into the practical considerations of how handle feeding, cleaning, holding a baby, etc. (rather than discussing your feelings, which are surely more difficult for him to relate to). You said he thinks you've changed---I'm guessing he thinks you are more tense and impatient (stress, exhaustion, hormonal changes, frustration) and maybe a little more materialistic (baby registry, concern for the baby's needs). But maybe what he's also feeling is that you just don't seem to LIKE him as much as you used to, and you seem unhappy or critical of him---meaning, maybe he feels rejected, and if he seems distant or closed off..maybe that's part of the reason. Maybe he's scared of how many other things will change---I'm sure you have some of this same---I think all expectant parents do.
Just remember, you are a team. You need his support, but he needs to feel supported too, or at least feel useful.
Best of luck, I hope your delivery is easy!

1 mom found this helpful

Get used to your husband not getting "it!" For some reason..they just can't. I married the greatest guy who is the greatest father and I still want to scratch his eyeballs out sometimes for not washing our daughter's hands before mealtime, leaving the house without snacks, etc..and our little one is 15 months old! He'll be better once the baby comes, promise!
Have you heard of the book "Daddy Needs a Drink?"--it's got some good stuff...
congratulations!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi D.,
I agree with some of the responses that said that men come to terms with the pregnancy in ways that are different to women. I think something that helped my husband was that I realized that I needed to have no-baby time with him which meant having a romantic meal and not talking about the baby, pregnancy, etc. I think no-baby time is essential and may help your fiance feel less like "everything is changing".

Another thing that seems to make an impression on my husband is that when the baby is kicking up a storm and he puts a hand on my belly, the baby seems to calm down. I've told him that he must have a calming influence on the baby and we're so lucky about that! I think that makes him feel like he has a special bond with the baby already.

But don't forget that many dads don't feel the bond until the baby is in their arms!

Finally, I think it was helpful to my relationship with my husband when I admitted to him that I have worries and concerns, too, and that I know it's going to be hard and that I hope we still have a good relationship after the baby comes, etc. I think that made him feel better, like he wasn't alone in his feelings.

Just some thoughts. I know every relationship is different, so take these ideas with a pinch of salt!

I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy and a wonderful birth!

1 mom found this helpful

I just read all the responses and we all seem to be in agreement, although I do remember how it feels to be in your shoes (hard place to be when you can't even see your shoes) and I know you are looking for help but are probably feeling a little attacked right now, try not to let what we say hurt your feeling because you will be a great mom, we can see that do to the fact that you care so much for this little peanut already!
My advise however is for you to find a book for expecting fathers and YOU READ IT. I say this because men get freaked out when their wife gets pregnant. Not only are you changing (you look different, feel different, act different) but also he use to be the most important thing in your life and now he is not. The min you saw that little pink line he jumped from 1st to 2nd, although he might not think he cares he is insecure about that.
Also men think about starting a family in a different way than women do. He is probably concerned about how he will provide for his new family, send his child to collage, afford life insurance. The male roll in our society is to be the bread winner (I know women are equal in this area now, but in a mans mind it is his job, while your job is to raise the babies) and he is probably feeling insecure about his new responsibility. On top of that you now seem angry and judgmental of him, which you can't help because in your mind he is being uninterested and unsupported. I think many men tend to stand back a little at this point because they are at a loss of how to please you and feel rejected.
Talk calmly about how you are feeling, but keep it short and sweet. Don't place blame on him, just let him know that you are going through ______ and that makes you feel _______. (I am always tired and hormonal I feel upset and frustrated when I don't feel appreciated and heard) Parenting is hard, and you wont always see eye to eye. Appreciate what he does do, realize that your husband is much more helpful, caring and supportive than lots of other men and forgive, forget and move past what you can't change. In most cases women do a lot more then men as far as house chores and baby, just the way it is.
You are both in this together, but he can't yet imagine the love you already feel. Once the baby is here he will understand a little more what a big deal this really is and will understand that he is changing also.
Best of luck, congrats, and remember that this is the easy part!

1 mom found this helpful

Many husbands will never know or appreciate all the things we do. My husband hates it when I tell him, "If I suddenly die, you must remarry immediately. Otherwise the kids will never have another dentist appointment or attend another birthday party." (I don't say it anymore. But I think it.)

One word of advice, though. If you want him to be involved and to help, don't criticize him when he does help. That is guaranteed to push him farther away. Yes, you've made an informed decision about the bleach, and yes you told him about it. If you can think of a way to gently remind him without making him feel like he's wrong, go for it. But you're better off letting it go and praising him for his contributions. There will be a lot of things he will do differently than you after the child is born... diapering, bathing, disciplining. Some battles are worth fighting, like discipline styles. But in a way that that you're listening too, and not saying "I'm right and you're wrong." If you can't find a way to communicate the important differences in a positive way and to not inflict your perfectionism on him, you will be doing everything yourself, because he will feel he can't meet your standards.

Good luck!

I think you need to understand that your husband is not going to read more books, he hasn't read the ones you bought him already. He is probably worrying about other things like how you are going to pay for a child in the long run, maintaining a household. Men worry about other things during pregnancy than women. Have you asked him what he worries about?

Share what you have read with him. This is what I did and we had conversations about chemicals and organic baby food etc and how these were important to me. My husband was ambivalent but happy to go a long with what I wanted to do because he was ambivalent. These are your first parenting conversations do you really expect to have all future parenting conversations by handing him a book to read?

I would strongly recommend that if you want him to be more involved that you take the Bradley method birthing classes. They are centered on the mans role in supporting the woman and he may find them very empowering. He may be absolutely petrified and not able to tell you that and having you keep on at him may actually be making him more scared.

I have a good friend who is a midwife and she maintains that the men are always at least 3 months behind the women in the process. When I was about 7 months I was done with birth and had moved on to vaccines. I had a conversation about this with my husband who admitted he was still just starting to consider the realities of the birth and could not contemplate vaccines. I was way ahead of him. This isn't just a transition for you it is a transition for him to and try to be sympathetic of him even when he doesn't seem to be sympathetic to you. If you don't think he will be able to support you during the birth I would suggest you look into hiring a doula who can give you both the support you need. Research has shown that couples who have a doula start out with stronger initial family ties.

Good luck, and I'm sorry if this sounded harsh.
C.

Hang in there D.! I don't know what you can do about him, but you can get yourself some help. Labor support! Men don't know what to do in the labor room anyway. Check out; http://www.renaissancemidwifery.com/BirthinHospital.html and get some real assistance if you can.

Hi D.,
I hope these other responses haven't brought you to tears yet. I congratulate you on your pregnancy and on reaching out to this awesome resource when you needed help.
I'm not going to harass you but I just want to recommend couples counseling to you as a wonderful way to create a communication tool box with your husband.
My husband and I have gone to the same therapist since our engagement. At first we went every two weeks, now we go about every six months or when we need help making a big decision or getting through a rough spot. It has been INVALUABLE and I encourage you to see it as a way to build a skill set, not as a some kind of bitter pill for an ailing marriage. What we've learned has enhanced our marriage and strengthened us as a team. If you'd like a recommendation for my therapist, she's in Mountain View, and I'm happy to send contact info.
Again, don't listen to those who say that couple's counseling is what you do just before you break up or what you do when there's nothing left to try. Do it now so you can strengthen your foundation together now.
On a personal note, it did get harder for me after the baby was born. I still have days when I HATE him for not doing the dishes or for leaving his sandwich crumbs on the counter or his old socks lying around. I try to keep my mouth shut until something less poisonous appears in my mind but even with all the counseling and love in the world there are still hard days. That's when I eat chocolate!!!
Hang in there, you'll be just fine.
A.

I recommend the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (for you, not him). Seriously. It is a great book and should be required reading for all wives.

I kind of have to agree with your husband that being pregnant is just an excuse if you are letting that be the reason you are being so fussy and persnickety about some things. Yes hormones affect you, control them! Your baby is going to be worse than your husband at aggravating you and being stupid and not "getting it" a few years down the road. Are you going to give yourself permission to act this way to them too?

Let him help, and let him help in his own way. He is a person, not any less because you now have a new person growing into your family.

Congratulations! What an exciting and overwhelming time in your life.

I think you are right to want to do the very best for your baby. I agree that all of those little things some Mommy's do count. You are prudent and right.

As for getting him to read a book (another)...good luck. Mine wouldn't read one! It's just not him. So...I had to meet him on his turf. I would subtly 'educate' him as we went along. "Honey, did you know that bleach_________?!? Can you believe it? I had no idea until I read this article". And then leave it at that. Asking him to read it may be too much. Also think about this; Men feel very insecure about things they do not know about and cannot control. They are doers and fixers. He's totally on unfamiliar turf and he's not comfortable with it. Plus, he has little control, and he's probably very uncomfortable with that too even if he's not conscious of it.

Finally, my husband is not a reader, but getting him to watch a 20 minute video is no problem. This one is from Environmental Working Group. Very well respected and they work hard on passing bills to protect our babies, children and earth. You might want to watch it by yourself first.

http://www.ewg.org/kidsafe?key=20154491&message=Succe...

You are doing so much for your baby already. What a loving way to start off! Unfair as it is, yes, it's all on you right now (what you put into your body, getting enough sleep, etc.). Maybe if you have not done so already you can lovingly tell him why you're doing all this--to give the baby that the two of you made the best start in life that you can!

We can not change our husbands, we can only change how we react to them. Even after 42 years of marriage. I feel for you, I really do. By the age of 26 years old I had four children and the oldest was six years. He would not be with me when giving birth to our two youngest. It was not allowed with our oldest two. I do hope your husband will read a book. Does he have a mother or sister that could talk to him? I also think a man's concern is how the relationship with his wife will change as she will be busy with the baby. With shared caring of the baby there is more time for each other too. Husband finally realized that a little after baby 4. I wish I could benefit from all your research as my daughter in law is expecting their first also and she has so many questions on what is the best for their baby. It is fun but alot of work too. I used to buy used baby clothes and to get the stains out I would soak them and use bleach but then rinse them twice.
I thought two rinse them twice; I hope that was good enough so baby would not have any bleach smell etc. Being pg is alot of changes and try to be patienct with him and hopefully he will be more patient to you too.
Congratulations!
F.

You might want to check out Babyproofing your Marriage but you'll want to both read it (alternating chapters) or the Expectant Father. Good luck!

D., try to take this with the good intention which it is being sent. I think you may need to relax a little bit and stop reading and researching so much. You are so busy trying to figure everything and know everything that it sounds like you are really missing the joy and fun out of being pregnant. No matter what books you find for your husband to read, he will NEVER fully understand what you and your baby are going through. You need to take the time to enjoy this amazing connection with your child or you will just start to resent being pregnant because of how much you feel you are doing. IF your husband didn't try to help, you would have complained about that. I had to learn(and not through any book) that we all have different ways of doing things and no one way is the best. You say you have done tons of research, but it doesn't sound as though you have shared any of the information with your husband or at the very least involved him in any of the decisions that you have made regarding YOUR child. This is a child you both have made and will both have the responsibility for. The change he's seeing in you is something that most men usually see/feel AFTER the baby is born. You need to involve him more now. Perhaps he will then be more on board with some of the things you want to do. Good luck and God bless.

PS. ENJOY your pregnancy. It's the best gift ever.

You know, men spend their whole lives being taught to "be cool," "don't show your emotions," etc. It's hard for them to get as excited as you feel he should. He may be trying to put the brakes on you, for fear that you are going to ask him to put as much time and effort into the pregnancy as you have! He may also have no experience with someone getting excited about a pregnancy. He may have seen his mother, or his sister, or whoever, just treating the pregnancy like a fact of life, and not studying or investigating, or wanting to check out every aspect of it. And that's a valid way to be, too. Lots of kids are born and raised successfully by moms who just do what comes naturally.

If I were you I would start prepping him for the "raising the child" part of the deal. Give him some books you like, and start asking about his approach to child rearing. He may not even know that he has an "approach," and you can get him thinking about the differences the two of you may have in raising the child. Good luck, and have fun!

Oh my gosh. I found the BEST book for my husband when I was pregnant(I see others have recommended the same book in previous responses). I have three kids and I couldn't even put this book down - and it REALLY helped him get it! It tells the dad many things including what the mom is going through by month - appts., mood swings, etc. You can actually view the book "Look Inside" on-line. You can see the table of contents and the first few pages. I highly recommend this. You can get it for $10 too. Good luck!! All of us Moms know what your going through.

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If you are having these issues and feeling this way now during pregnancy, just wait until you have your baby! The conflict between you and your husband could potentially get a LOT worse when the hard work actually begins - eg, when you are nursing 8 times a day and waking up 4 times a night and feeling resentful about all the work you're doing, etc. I hope that you can find a way to communicate with your husband soon -- maybe therapy would help? That may sound extreme, but once the baby comes, problems have the potential to be magnified, and there's not as much time to address them. I had a lot of anxiety about similar issues when I had my first baby and that anxiety caused a lot of conflict with my husband.

Honestly, they will never undrstand, they are men. However, one of the books I read during the birth of our first child and made my hubby read was Pregnancy is a Bitch, it's written through the eyes of a mother and realy focuses on mood, etc. It's also a very comical read, check it out, he'll really gain a bit ofan idea what you are going through. Ifound the other books were just too boring for my hubby. Good luck,it gets better, we know have two girls and I literally chucked that book at him during our second preg when he complained!

He will come around once the baby comes. Shoot for just having him in the delivery room so he can gain a greater appreciation for the whole process. Some guys cant fathom that these months are so important.

Hi, D.!
Congratulations on your upcoming new arrival! how exciting! Some of my sentiments echo the other comments, so I won't bother posting those. What I did want to say was, instead of spending so much time researching, maybe you and your husband can sit quietly on the bed with your hands touching the baby and feeling it move every evening. You can both share in the miracle that is the life living within you. It would be a way for him to also feel closer to the baby that will soon be here. You can talk and dream together about how life might be like as the baby arrives. ENJOY this time in your life. Enjoy the baby moving and sleeping and being in you. BE with your husband. Don't pressure him to try to understand everything you are going through. Take walks together, hold hands, walk silently, if talking creates too much stress. This is the last two months of your LIFE with your husband when you will not have children! Go see a movie. Once the baby comes, kiss your romantic life away except for those far and few in-between date nights! Enjoy these last couple of months together uninterrupted by the cries of a baby, the demands of breastfeeding, the endless baby chores. Life will get a lot more complicated once the baby arrives and although it is WONDERFUL to have a baby, the stress of everything can cause more conflict. I have 2 little boys and that is what I found in my relationship. I also found that to be true with most of my friends' marriages, too. The stronger and better your communication is with your husband, the easier it will be once the baby arrives. You will both be sleep-deprived (but YOU especially) and you will more than likely feel like you are doing all the work even then! Be compassionate with your husband. He will learn much more slowly than you will like. It took my husband until my second son for his fathering instincts with a baby to kick in. With the second baby, he was much more attentive, holds him and plays with him and puts him to sleep and changes his clothes and diapers MUCH MUCH more than the first time around. I did most of that with our first son. So, please think about enjoying the baby together and enjoying each other together. Try to let go of any resentment. Your husband may be feeling adrift at sea, not knowing what to do, how to feel about a being that he cannot feel or see. It is your job to include him on this miraculous thing called life inside of you.

Good luck.

D.,

Weddings, pregnancies...all things that husband and wife do together before children, are just the tip of the ice when it comes to parenting and raising a child together. There are many books and sites on coaching your wife during labor, some others on understanding your wife and I think you can find them on Amazon, FATHERING FROM the START, THE EXPECTANT FATHER, DR. SEARS... Also remember that each child is unique and that you are both need to be prepared for a variety of temperments and needs in your children, not just what you envision.

I encourage short term or long if you find it useful, marriage counseling and developing a communication style that supports you both. Men often feel left out of the experience and including them, checking in on how they are doing (even though of course you are carrying baby and doing so much and waddling soon) will take your farther than comparing who is doing more. I say this because parenting will always feel like you are doing more. Even the most well intentioned husbands are not mommies and even incredible daddies are human. In this very hard times, we need to give each other a lot of praise and appreciation, wiggle room and appreciation. You need that too. Your children will need that as well. I know because I have gone down the road of feeling under appreciated and that is a trap...not fun to be in. Better for me to find ways and small things to be thankful for..That is not saying..lists and some good shares from other dads would not help...google dad websites

I applaud you both for trying to recycle some one's loaners and trying to use healthy products and for him trying to get it clean as possible. Really cute when you think of it.
When we are having hormone changes, everything is more.. and the smell of bleach was probably stronger for you than him. I go back and forth swearing off bleach, using vinegar and organic green and then some bleach now and then with ventilation.

I did not like the uncaring and judgmental comment toward you although I think you would benefit from trying to see you two from a bird's eye view and help you see the efforts in both of you..I know this is a bit off topic but I think I also think you could write to him reasons why you married him, love him and build him up..care for him.
It may seem like other husbands are more together and that is part myth developed by media and some of us women..They are human, they leave socks, seats up, forget details, say "what, ok, ahah, calm down, no big deal, realax, chill" sometimes and then when you are not expecting it...something sweet..

I suffer from much of what you describe as well. I'm about 7 weeks pregnant. Keep in mind that the hormones and progesterone specifically can make you crazy, over obsessed, worried alot, etc. Add that to the responsibility of growing a new life inside your body. It's a recipe for a mental breakdown if you ask me. I totally relate about the "no bleach" thing... but realistically - you can't blame your husband. All he knew is that you wanted it cleaned, and in his mind, that's the best way to clean it. I came into pregnancy wanting absolute perfection - no medications, lots of rest, eat all the right things, find the absolute perfect pre-natal vitamin (which as far as I'm concerned doesn't exist), etc. And now the reality is, I'm either so nauseated, so hungry, or so full that my tummy always hurts and it's hard to plan out my food, I'm so tired all the time that I don't have energy to go buy that chemical-free European Sleepworks bed that I promised myself I would get the second I found out I was pregnant, I've suffered some major breathing issues and panic attacks (not sure if one caused the other or the other was around or what) and have had to take medications to control it that I REALLY didn't want to take. In fact I spent a year and a half getting off all of my medications to get pregnant. Only to find that pregnancy makes any issues you have worse (anxiety, acid reflux, etc.) and what I could do w/o meds before when I wasn't pregnant I really can't do w/o meds as 39 year old pregnant woman. I obsess about taking a class B drug to control the acid reflux or even a class D drug once or twice with the approval of my OB even when I REALLY need it. I hear you. It is hard. At some point though, we have to realize that we can't control everything - especially in pregnancy. I have a friend who had a complication-free pregnancy and was bragging about that, was taking care of a 3 year old while her husband traveled (and she was 7.5 months pregnant) etc. and then her water broke like 7 weeks early. Just days before her OB said every thing looked great. Gotta roll with the punches - especially in marriage and parenthood.

My husband really enjoyed the Expectant Father and the New Father by Armin Brott. They both had sections for "what your baby is doing" and "what your partner may be experiencing".

Wow, maybe you should share your letter with your husband. You did a very good job expressing yourself. I would also suggest that you take your husband to your next OBGYN appt. and let your doctor explain the physical and emotional (hormonal) implications that come with pregnancy.
Also, try to look for things that he is doing right (there has got to some) and thank him. Often husbands feel "out of the loop" and retreat because they feel the can't do anything to help. Try to be more positive and let him know how much he can do for you.
I experienced your frustrations during my pregnancy, you are not alone. Really try to work this out before the baby is born. Pregnancy is the easy part, you and your hubby need to be a united front when the baby arrives. Together you will face so many challenges and blessings.
Start fresh today and look for ONE nice thing he did for you, and celebrate that. Take it one day at a time and enjoy this time. Good luck!

I didn't read all the responses but I have to say, "welcome to being pregnant!". Unfortunately the only other people who are going to feel you right now are other people who have been pregnant. You cannot explain the level of commitment you have to your baby or how important it is to you that he also do baby research. I think you just have to remember that you are doing this for your baby and it's your choice to do it. You cannot expect him to find research as important as you do and you might find you like being the one with all the "expert knowledge" when the baby comes. Nothing worse than fighting over how to bath or change a baby or how often it should be picked up etc.

Because you are in the early stages of your relationship the emotional ups and downs are even more straining. HE doesn't know that you aren't just using this as an excuse and you are usually pretty cool and level headed. I know it's hard but remember that he is probably excited and scared to death about becoming a daddy. Men express differently...

Hang in there - you are almost at the finish line.

p.s.
expect to receive a lot of snide remarks about your choice to be chemical free (or as close to is as you can). Many people say it's ridiculous but I'm right there with you! Totally worth it...