Excessive Gifts

I'm in the same boat!!! We just went home to visit my mother this weekend with my 4 year old daughter and when my mother mentioned something about getting some new things I flat out said - "we are not bringing home anything new this time. Period." It was a little awkward but the point was taken. Instead of taking home a whole bag of new toys we brought home a new dress and a new Barbie. I've also started telling her that things she buys my daughter she should keep at HER house, so my daughter can play when we visit (instead of bringing toys with us!). It's a tough fight and I don't see an end. It seems to be a fine balance.

I don't have an answer unfortunately, but know that you are not alone!

~Liza
29 year old single mother of 4.5 year old daughter.

Sugest to any one if they chose to spend money on her to give gift certificates or savings bonds or even start a savings account for her.

You need to find a way to tell her nicely...if she continues to disrespect your wishes, you and your husband can just take the gifts to Goodwill for children who really need them. Your child is only 6 mos old, too many toys will overwhelm them, tell her that. You are the parent if she cannot respect your wishes then take matters into your own hands.

You cannot teach a mother-in-law new tricks. If she insists on giving your daughter new stuff all the time consider re gifting the items or donating them to charities. I learned long ago that you cannot win an argument with MILs. I objected to the same thing when my kids were small but saw the light when someone pointed out that it may be the only way the woman can express love for the child. sad but true.
Enjoy your baby ! Don't stress the small stuff.

We seem to have similar problem in our house. Ours is with MY mother and our 2 year old son. She lives far away so she has told me that it is her way of making up for the time she does not see him. There is no way to completly get rid of the gifting because after all that is the joy of being a Grandparent right? (at least that is what I have been told) SO what helps in our house is if I give specifics. Such as " WOW it's great Grandma wants to be so generous (it helps if the child is in the room at the time and you make it like it is coming from her) what "I" really really NEED is some clothes for next season cause after all I am growing SO fast! OR "As you know it is SO expensive to have a child these days, how about we all go to lunch/ zoo/ whatever and it's Grandma's treat!"
It helps the most with MY mom if she still feels like she is taking care of something but it is more along the limes of something NEEDED or WANTED.
Hope that helps.

Mother in laws are tricky. If I were you, I would hold my tongue, take what given, but keep a box in the closet to store the old ones in, when it fills up you can donate them to a battered womens shelter or drop them of to the salvation army.

My partner and I agreed a long time ago that each of us should handle any problems or concerns that come up with our own family members (ie. my mother-in-law sending religious Christmas cards to my Jewish mother and grandfather). So far (16 years) it's worked out well. Hearing about an issue from your own child rather than your child-in-law is often easier to deal with.

J. (-:

Hi E. - This is what worked for our family. We told everyone that we really have enough (we too, were overflowing with gift from grandparents), but love and appreciate their willingness to give. When they would like to spend on my daughter, would they please make a donation to someone that really needs it?

We have done this as well, giving up the craziness and commercialization of Christmas in order to make a sizable donation to our church for a family that has nothing. I cannot tell you the blessings that has brought on us, but that's another story...

I don't know how this might be taken in your family, but it worked for us! If it doesn't work and it continues, the gifts are yours to do with what you wish, so you can go ahead and donate them yourself.

It's a great way to teach your child to bless others with her overflow.

Good luck. Be blessed -

Hi E.
Tell your inlaws you love the fact that they want to give your daughter every thing,but that the money could be put into a bank account or trust for your daughter when she gets older to help pay for her first car, insurance, college or to help set up a dorm etc. We had the same issue with my parents now my daughter is six and has a nice little stash in her bank account.I take all of the money she gets and add it to the account on a regular basis with just one child it's difficult for them to not end up with everything. GOOD LUCK
D. D

my mother in law is very similar and attempts to gently suggest not to buy so many things is in vain. my husband and i are on the same page, which seems important. i don't think that ignoring the issue so as to avoid the "trickiness of MILs" is the best idea, as you will come across other issues like this when your daughter is old enough to notice and, say, be attached to the toys that get given that you are not excited about. also, sacrificing your values so as to avoid conflict/please others isnt a good excuse to not raise your child how you want to. i'm reading people responding to not address the issue or wait for some years, but all that happens in my opinion is that more patterns get established. grandmothers in particular often do have a very difficult time understanding that the baby is NOT their child, they are NOT mother again, etc.. While that may be an issue you don't want to touch on, it also might be unaviodable, and this is YOUR child and YOUR family. So it is my best suggestion to act with that confidence in you, and to act with the thought of establishing patterns that you and your spouse want to live with. after all, the more the pattern gets set, the harder to change (also the more your MIL has grounds to say, "well its been fine for so long! why do you have a problem now?!)

if we are given gifts when we are at my in-laws, we just leave them in the trunk and go right by the salvation army donation bins. we have one wicker basket that, which i have stated multiple times, is the capacity of the toys that our house will have. i stick by that and have realized that I do not have to be ashamed or feel like i am being disrespectful for throwing out the toys. what is disrespectful is not listening to that we do not want the toys!
the amazing thing is that my in-laws have never made any statement about that all the toys are nowhere to be seen. if they do, i will reiterate our value. the lack of commenting combined with the consistent behavior makes me think that the compulsive giving is what matters to my MIL, not what we do with the things. also, the suggestion that the money go elsewhere has not tailored the gift giving, as there seems to be an inherent self-gratification that goes with the buying of the things.
while we hope that someday they will "get it" and respect us, or atleast notice that our house is NOT getting more cluttered, we are unwilling to live with the day-to-day consequences of the buying.

we are considering not attending christmas with either side of our families because of this consumerism. we are thinking of going on an immediate-family vacation, as our kids are going to start becoming attached to the toys soon, and we will be the "bad guys" for taking them away. as with all things, we figure that even with communication, we cannot change others' behavior, but we can determine ours and stand by our boundaries/values.

Also, if there are ever any noisy toys, we leave them at my in-laws. then when the kids are playing with them and we can't hardly talk, i can hope that they will someday get why we do not want the noise in our home!

again, it is NOT disrespectful if you consistently are getting rid of toys bought for your child; what IS disrespectful is continuing to not listen to you or allow you the freedom to raise your child how you would like. soon your daughter will become attached to the toys, and it is a good idea to have your pattern established now.

E.... You should know that I am a grandmother and that my daughter in law introduced me to the Mamasource site, something that she refers to often.. I come to the site maybe once or twice a week, and find it very interesting to see what "new"mothers are facing, which in many ways are issues that I dealt with ( many !!) years ago...If space is really an issue, I think mentioning this to your mother in law is fine.. I can only imagine that her "showering" you daughter with toys is truly out of love and good will.. I have to be careful not to do the same with my children who have limited space and just don't like to have too much "stuff" around the house.. but be gentle, and honest and maybe even tell her you would love to be able to "ask" for things when such occasions arise ( clothes, toys, books).. why not start a Book of the Month "club" with your mother in law.. maybe she could have the shelf at her house and a few toys as well, so that when you visit, she can watch your daughter enjoy these things.. Good luck .. SJM

Your daughter is only 6 months old but as she gets older maybe you can use this as a learning tool for her. Everytime she gets a new toy from your mother in law the 2 of you should then go home and pick out which toy she's had for a little while and donate it to a shelter for women and children or something along those lines.

You could suggest that the gifts stay at gandma's house so that she can enjoy them when you visit her there. As her house gets more cluttered with toys, she'll probably pull back. Remember,she want to see how happy the baby is when she gives her something new to play with. They dont get to see her all the time, so they are goign to gush over her. At 6 months the baby doesnt know she has too many toys. As your daughter gets older you can suggest she limit the toys she buys her.

B.
mother of 3 year old daughter with too many toys too.

Have her keep them at her house! It is so much fun to buy for little ones that you might not want to discourage her to much. I had my parents buy savings bonds!!

My first thought is, "Where's her son on this?" HE should take the initiative to harness her loving gestures. Your MIL is excited and thinks she's helping.
Yes, try to visit HER and leave the toys behind. Tell her you want her house to be a special place for your daughter.
Personally, I do not buy my little guy (7) any toys - I buy him clothes, boots, gloves, underwear, socks and he acts like I'm the best gift-giver ever! And I know I am helping them out financially - which is my goal. I had my fun being Santa with my kids - now I can just enjoy shopping for bargains for my lil guy.
This too shall pass........hugs!

We had this problem with my parents and we cheerfully enacted the rule of limiting to one or two toys, but unlimited books. So the grandparents still have the joy of buying for and giving to the grandchild, but it isn't over whemling with stuff, and you just can't have too many books!
Take care,
M.

We have a rule of thumb, one in, one out. Donate either one that is older, or new in box. Freecycle.org is a great way, or a local women's shelter. Some children have nothing, so you feel great about giving it. Or, try leaving it there, so they have something to play with next time, then she can see how they are accumulating, and be reminded of her grandchild. We have a toy box at nana's.
D.

E.,
I know exactly what you mean. My daughter is also showered with gifts from both my mom and mother in law. I started separating toys and picked a few things to say at my house and a few things to stay at their homes. I see my mother and mother in law frequently because they watch my daughter while I work part time so it works out for me…and my house. You can also donate any old toys your daughter out grows. Your mother in law seems like she means well and probably misses her granddaughter. I would just say thank you and watch your daughter and mom in law have a little fun with the new toy or toys. If your home is any thing like mine - Even when the gifts stop coming your home will still be cluttered with laundry, mail, dirty dishes and toys you bought too.

Have you considered asking your mother in law to keep the toys for your daughter to play with at her home? If that is not possible perhaps you could tell her that a play date at a gym or a park would be nice. As time goes on and she likes to look at pictures perhaps a kids magazine would be nice too.

I hope this helps. I know that mother in law issues are not usually easy ones!

L.

I would ask your mother-in-law to please not buy new toys except for birthdays or holidays but if she wants to buy your child something, clothes are a good option since babies outgrow clothes so quickly. Since your daughter is only 6 months old, she won't miss any toys that aren't there anymore so you could donate some to a local daycare or Goodwill store. Once grandma realizes that the toys are no longer there, she may get the hint. Either way, you'll rid your child of an overabundance of material possessions and as she grows, teach her that giving is a rewarding feeling, too.

Has your Hubby spoken to them about this? it shoudl be united and he should be saying this to them tho..but if they contine ask them to keep the toys at their house so when she visits she has something to play with??

Also, find a good childrens consigment store (local ones, The Childrens Orchard is a chain) and start consigning the older items in exchange for $$ towards clothes for her. Or take them to a womens shelter and see if they will accept them for the homeless kids.

They say it is the Gransparents job to spoil the kids..

I recently had some advice on this subject. Another mother recommended telling the family member that your new plan is to donate a toy for every new toy that your daughter receives from anyone. This may give her a clue, discreetly, about your space issues. Plus, it allows for you to keep only the toys that she plays with and not allow your home to become overrun. Hope this advice helps you as much as it helped me.

We had that same problem. Don't talk to your MIL about it. Buy a medium-sized plastic bucket to leave at their house, take the rest home with you. When you reach capacity, donate the older ones to a shelter for domestic violence or store them for another baby later. If you manage to get them home without opening them, put them in a box in your basement and regift them. We managed to do quite a bit of our Christmas "shopping" in this box in our basement. Grandparents are a different breed. We love ours and wouldn't dream of hurting her feelings. When your child is older, you can talk to your MIL about values and such in a non-confrontational way.

hi E.,my mom inlaw does the same thing!!but i put some things away,and then bring it out when my son(8months old)gets bored w/his old stuff,i figured i would rather have her around and if it makes her happy to buy him things so be it,and it makes him happy too.i lost my mom to cancer so i try to be thankful for his mom,(sometimes its hard but she means well!!)and maybe b/c of the clutter you could give her old toys to good will??anyway,im not sure if there is an easy way to approach that one but good luck!!

E.,
I can FULLY understand this dilemma... both my parents and my husband's mom like to spoil my girls... well mostly just my oldest. It started with my Mother in law right from the start when my first daughter was born. We didn't say anything for the first year since it was mostly clothing... but then when we found out we were having baby #2 I started realizing how much clutter there was in our house so we decided to breach the subject with my husband's mother. She acted like she agreed with us but did not stop buying new things. My parents didn't start the excessive buying until we had a house fire... then in came the flood of items from BOTH sides (and my family is not local so they had to drive the items 7 hours and cross the Canadian border to get to us). Our temporary housing after the fire is TINY so no room for anything "extra" (we even have most of our things in a storage unit).

So how to deal with it...? Well it could be that its the joy of a new child entering the family and it will be resolved on its own. OR it could be that you'll need to sit down and discuss it with your mother in law. Basically approach it by telling her how much you appreciate that she gets items for your daughter but state your concerns (housing too small, don't want your child to be spoiled etc). Explain that you'd much prefer if she saves items for special events and not get too many items given your space constraints.

If that doesn't work... then start going through toys after each visit and either start leaving items there (Mom, I'm thankful you got this item for her but it will need to stay here for her to play with it at your home when we visit since we have too many items in our home) or start sorting through them each month and give away items to charities or friends and family members. If you give items away because you don't have enough space, let her know that every few months you have to give away excess toys/clothing/material items because you just do not have enough space for everything in your home.

I've had to do a combination of giving items away (both with her knowing and not knowing) and assigning items to stay at my mother in laws place to get the idea accross.

My parents were a bit easier. They understood that it wasn't that we didn't want the items but that we were trying to teach our children values and that we just didn't have the space. Now they get a few items at Christmas and birthdays and a few special events. If it won't fit in our home ~ it stays in theres :). This has had a side effect of them only purchasing toys that will come home with us ... now both sets of parents ask what we NEED/WANT our children to have and we have a lot less clutter.

I hope it goes smoothly for you! If this is the first grand child then there are a lot of new roles being learned. Hang in there, it gets easier :)

A.