Ex-Mother-in-Law Struggles...

If the child is living with you, then the dicision of whether or not to send him to a preschool/day care is up to you, not your ex, and certainly not his mother.
Simply refuse to discuss it with them. When they bring it up, tell them that you're not having this conversation, and change the subject. If they persist, hang up.

Oh S., when my ex & I split I went thru something similar & it drove me crazy. It's all about controll & you have to come to terms that you are the one in controll now. It sounds like you have custody so what you do with your child when he is with you is your choice. This is what I did. No. 1 - I quit taking calls & texts from my ex in laws. If they want to see or have an opinion about my son, do it on their daddy's time & not mine. No. 2. - I informed my ex that I would no longer take any calls from his parents he could tell them or not I really didn't care. No. 3 - When my ex calls and is trying to controll like he usually did, I simply say this call is over. We have nothing to discuss.

Please don't get me wrong, I do inform my ex on important matters & if my son asks to talk to his dad or grandparents I allow him to call them. I also do not say anything negetive about any of them around my son. They are a part of his life & that is the way it is.

STOP this today though & don't allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Just be a good mom & enjoy that baby of yours.

My first response is "Isn't he your ex? And why is his mother calling the shots?
These decisions should be made by you and your ex not his mother. As far as sending your child to daycare, I own a childcare center and at 28 months it is not necessary. If it is a daycare with a good program then your child will benefit most at around 3. Preschool benefits mostly come from social issues, as long as you keep your child social and you want him to stay with you then I see not problem. The biggest problem you have in my opinion is your ex mother in law. I respect that you want to keep the peace, however some people will take total advantage of you giving in and will begin to dictate other aspects of your life. I say set boundaries and kindly (or unkindly ) tell ex MIL that although you appreciate her input you and her son will make the decisions regarding your child. I have found that people will respect you more when you command respect. You do not have to be nasty just firm and stick by what you want for your child, if she doesn't like it then too bad!! Remember most times the only good thing in divorce is getting away from a MIL like yours. LOL!! Good luck!!

If you don't want to drop him off at MMO, try something like Gymboree. It's like $70/month and you go with him to class. It enriches his social skills and it ensures you have time together. I have been taking my daughter (2.5 yrs) since she was 18 months and we love it.

"Thank you for being so considerate - but now that I am home, I really enjoy spending my time with him." That is what I would say, and I would just keep repeating it until she stops asking.
Keep your tone nice and upbeat, and you can even say that now you have tried it and don't see the benefit.
If she is paying for it, suggest to her to invest that money in something else, for example a savings account for your son...
Just be the broken record .... if you don't stand firm there will be a million other things she will come up with down the road. Make sure you notify your ex husband of your plans to quit "playschool" first and let him know your reasons in a very nice way.

Aren't you glad they are ex's! If it were me, I wouldn't respond to her texts and I wouldn't answer her calls. Just delete and that's done. If the ex-husband calls, tell him you are taking care of the baby in an excellent manner and he's doing great / had a wonderful day. Tell them you feel confident that your care is better than a stranger can offer in any setting and he is a fortunate boy to be able to stay home with mom. If they are really an expert on childcare, they should do a little better research and find out the benefits of staying with their mother during the earlier years is best. I think a year before entering school (3 or 4 yrs. old) is a great time to get them used to being away from home and in the more structured learning environment in a MDO type of program. Until then, enjoy the time with him and try hard to ignore the ex's.

Some people really think it's important. Maybe there's some other reason they are bugging you about, but maybe not. Personally, I don't really get why it's a big deal. It works great for some kids and some parents but unless you are keeping him at home and avoiding public places then he's being socialized. Some people also act weird about boys...like they have to be pushed to be independent asap, or they'll be wusses if they hang out with mom too much, blah blah blah.
My older son is on his 3rd year of 2 day/wk preschool. He has fun, I get a break--those have been harder to come by since having boy #2. :-) I know he would have been fine without it, too.
If I were you, I think i'd just be very vague. "oh, no he didn't go today...maybe next week/month." or "I was thinking about it, and I want to just do some classes with him for now and wait to enroll him in the summer/fall."
I haven't been thru a divorce, so I imagine it complicates things considerably when you have to deal with someone you no longer want to be with but you have to deal with them about one of the most important things in your life.
Although, if your ex-husband has an issue then he should be dealing with it--not his mom (tell him he's the one that seems to need socialization..j/k!).

The choice is yours. I was a SAHM who chose to take my son to an MDO program at that age. It gave me a chance to do a few things by myself. If you aren't to the point where you just need a break, then you don't really need the MMO program. Mine is an only child, and I think the interaction with other kids was good for him, but it wasn't critical. The programs are for the mothers/fathers who need a break.

I just read the best book that I think will help me a lot when it comes to situations like yours. It's called "When I say no, I feel Guilty". It teaches you to be assertive without blasting those pesky people who won't take no for an answer. Now having said that, use that one morning a week to do something to pamper yourself, even if it is an at home pedi that you gave yourself. If you skip a week taking your child occasionally, then that is ok too. Your ex MIL does not have the right to grill you. Stand up for yourself & don't feel guilty. Maybe you shouldn't answer all those phone calls & texts...

Good luck & God Bless!

i think it is good for their social development, but you don't have to pay for that. if you don't really want him in "school" ( i did at about 3 not just for social, but to give me a little time to clean, shop, and just have a small break) I would just take him to the library for storytime. They usually have storytime once a week and sing songs, read books, and maybe do a craft. Also, you can find a moms group in your area that meets one morning a week. that way the kids get to play and you get adult socialization (which i'm sure you'll love). I took my to a mommy and me gymnastics class and that was fun! After you got into a few things, you could just let them know you guys do story time on Mondays, and playgroup on Wednesdays where he gets plenty of socialization! If you wanted the little break, maybe you could do those two things plus put him in the mothers day out just one day/wk. good luck!

First it sounds like you are some what afraid of your ex husband. Your ex MIL telling on you to your ex and then he starts calling and texting. He should be the one you have this discussion with not her. Sounds like to many games are being played by your ex and his mother. She should not be calling or texting you. If she wants to spend time with her Grandson then that time should be when your ex has him, not you. It would be nice if you could be civil toward each other, it would easier for you and your son, but some people don't understand boundaries. You need to set down ground rules with you ex husband and let him know that his mother is over stepping the lines. If you have to go back to court over custody specifications, I really don't think any judge will agree with your ex or his mother. Actually they would not even hear from your ex MIL. this is not her child and she has no say in what you do or don't do. Tell her if she has concerns that she needs to speak with her son and not you. If you don't stop this now, it will never stop. Good luck and enjoy your little one. He will have plenty of time to socialize when it's the right time. Going to a Mommy and me group is always an option then he can "socialize" and you are still there for him.

I guess you could lie. How would she know if you took him to MMO or not unless you tell her. Does she have spies? You have weekly contact with your ex-MIL? I mean, sure she's your children's Grandma, but sheesh - the woman needs a new hobby. If I were you, I'd get some new phone numbers and maybe write her a letter a few times a year. Your youngest will be in pre-school and kindergarten soon enough. If you don't want to change numbers, next time she calls to badger you, tell her you've found some lovely old folks homes you are considering for her. When she blows up, tell her you have as much right to dictate to her as she has to dictate to you (which is no right at all). There is no being polite to some people. She needs to get a life of her own. And you need to take your life back - you got it in the divorce settlement. You are entitled to it.

If you want to be nice (will she respond if you are?) then I would just say please don't call every week. He is not your child and you don't need to worry about him going to MMO. Thank you for your concern, but it isn't necessary. There's nothing rude or wrong about that. Good luck!

Wow. I agree with you. I wouldn't be taking my child somewhere to be dropped off. He's still really little, and he's probably not really playing with other kids anyway. At that age, they mostly keep to themselves. I would simply tell her, and him, that he is your child, and you are doing what is best for your child by staying home. I'm sure he gets enough social interaction with other babies and people without being dropped off. I go to church at least three times a week, so my kids get plenty of interaction with other kids there. I also have a playgroup that I go to once a week. But my kids are with me, they don't get dropped off. Your ex-mother-in-law and ex-husband are being too pushy and controlling. They really do need to back off. If they want to take your child somewhere on his visitation weekends for social interaction, that's their choice. But since he's with you most of the time, you have control. Just ignore their texts, and don't bother telling them whether or not you took him to MMO. It's really none of their business what you do with your child. He is YOUR child. (I'm sorry about ranting. Mother-in-law problems just really strike a chord with me.) Hope this helped.

S., I hope this doesn't post twice as I don't use this site very often. I faced a similar situation when I quit work to stay home with my young children. I'd moved back to my hometown and I felt a lot of pressure to place my young 4 tear old in pre-school. I desperately wanted to spend time with her as I'd worked full time up to that point. I enrolled her but knew it wasn't right. I needed and wanted that time with her. I thought I was being selfish to feel that way, and that maybe everyone else was right. They all just wanted what was best for my daughter. The local school had a very aggressive curriculum; the children learned sooo much, and they all felt she'd be behind if she didn't go. I wish very much that I'd had that time with her. You are the Mom and you know what's best for you and for her. A new stay at home Mom should not be denied the very thing she decided to stay at home for - to nourish her child, especially a 2 year old. In the end, my daughter ended up doing kiindergarten again anyway as she was the youngest in her class. I wish I had been strong enough to do what was right at that time.

Let go of your animosity. Obviously you and your ex have different expectations for what is best for your son. It is what it is and you will be dealing with this for the rest of your son's life with you. Fighting with your ex will only get worse over time.

Would you rather be right or be happy? This is a question I ask myself every time I find myself in a fight. You say that going is not bad for him so take him. Not going to prove a point is bad for both your health and your son's well-being.

I suggest that if you were to just agree with your ex and his mother they will have no reason to bug you. Life will go on in peace. This is a good issue with which you can learn how to parent your child along with input from your ex. As his father he has the right to being involved in deciding what is best for the son you share with him. Just accept that as a given and go from there.

Do not assume that they are being critical of your parenting. Also do not think of two mornings a week at a Mother's Morning Out as daycare. It is an enrichment program designed to give mothers an opportunity to do things on their own. I suspect that if you'd been a stay-at-home mother for longer than 2 months you would welcome this opportunity.

You have turned a reasonable request into a power struggle. Have you considered the possibility that they made the suggestion believing that this would be helpful for you? If you voluntarily left your job you're not job hunting but do you not have any activities in which you'd like to participate as an adult without having to first consider the needs of your child?

You can change this into a positive for both yourself and your child or you can continue to fight which will cause harm to everyone involved but especially for your son. Your son needs two parents who get along even tho they don't live together. You and your ex have many more years during which you'll have to relate with each other. Wouldn't you rather those years be happy than contentious. You have the ability to make a very positive contribution to a healthy relationship that will be good for your son as well as yourself.

An added thought. It is true that you are not required to listen to your mil or do what she asks. If she were the only one asking I'd literally not listen to her. And I definitely would not let her upset me. But you say that your ex also wants him to go. Even if you do not share custody he still has the legal right to be involved in parenting his son. Visitation is no longer called visitation. It's called parenting time.

It sounds immature for your ex to fight his battles thru his mother. However, you can't change him. Perhaps this is at least part of the reason he is your ex. So accept what is and work with it instead of against it. If you can, in a mature manner, tell your mil to not call you because you will only respond to your ex's requests tell her to stop calling. Then calmly tell her you're hanging up when she calls.

You can choose to not co-operate with your ex. Unless he files for a change in custody arrangements you will not suffer legal consequences. But you will make your life and the life of your son miserable. Consider what you can do that will be best for your son and his relationship with his father. For him to grow up emotionally healthy he NEEDS a good relationship with both parents. How can that happen when those parents are constantly fighting with each other?

Hi S.,

You're a better woman than me because I would tell her NO and it was none of her business. My seventeen year old has been nicknamed the social director and never seen a day of morning out, daycare or public or private school. Why would she want her grandchild to get social instruction from other 2 year olds? If she wants social instruction from the adults, then why aren't you good enough? It's one thing to be polite, it's another thing to get coerced into doing something you don't want to do.

Do you have joint custody with your ex? Does she have some hold over him? I personally think you as his Mom can do more for his well being at home than at a place where they are giving mothers the morning out....tell your EX-MIL you don't want to go out. You're happy at home :)

You're son is a fortunate little man to have you! Stand firm! God bless you!

M.

She is thinking perhaps that you also need the time yourself. It also give the child a chance to be around other children. But, with all the bugs going around right now and kids pickup so much at daycare I would be incline to keep him home if nothing else but for that reason. He is at the age everything goes in the mouth.They are not the ones to deal with a sick child through the nights. Just let them know that you are capable of making your own decisions when and where he needs to go!! Otherwise tell them to bug off.
Good Luck

Why would u want to quit a job and then send him to a nursery

Sounds idiotic to me

If u hv custoday of the child call your lawyer and ask him to send
a letter the husband and ex m i l telling them to bud out

I assume your son was in daycare while you worked, right? So I think it's great that you are able to stay home with him now if that is what you want to do.
Since you agreed to do the one morning per week, you should probably follow through on it if it is important to your ex. Tell your ex you will do it if he makes sure his mom leaves you alone. Then enjoy your "me" time.
Victoria

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keep being firm and clear is all i can suggest. Maybe throw in an..thank you for your opinion, but I dont agree with you that its important and if you cant drop it then we're going to have a problem. If they're going to make this a big issue and resort to trash talking you in front of him for wanting to raise your own child not farm him out to daycare you can call the lawyer and limit contact.
You're right, its not necessary, there is nothing better than mommy...social development?? hes going to start dating at 2? lol kids that age arent social anyway, they parallel play at best if they even tolerate each other at all.

My son is 2 1/2 yrs old & I do not take him to daycare by choice & my husband & in-laws support me totally! I personally do not think it is necessary as long as your child is getting some kind of social development. My son goes to the church nursery on Sunday mornings & I take him on playdates w/ peers as much as I can. He also spends 2-3 hrs some afternoons w/ his mimi & papa while I work ( I own my own business). My son is very social & has learned colors & numbers by us teaching him ourselves. I did not go to preschool & I graduated college. I see no need to send your child to preschool unless they are not developing socially/academically or if you just feel like you both need the break. This is your decision as his mother & the father & ex-mother in-law should respect your choices as long as it is not hindering the child's development. Good Luck!!!

I feel for you , I agree with you 110%, follow your Mom's instinct, you know what is good for your child, you said it when you said ex mom in law and ex husband. How your child turns out will be basically up to you, I glory in your s**** for being a hands on Mom, don't stop for anyone, maybe in a year or longer depending on your son, he will be ready for social skills, don't make him grow up too fast, follow your childs clock. He will let ya know when he is ready to be away from you. Good luck and God bless and keep you and yours,