Etiquette....what Are You Teaching Your Kids???

Hi A.,

I am 31 yrs old, my husband is 37. We have 6 boys (2 nephews included that spend more time at our house than theirs) ages 17,14,13,9,5,3 and a 1 yr old girl.

Thank you phone call for grandparents that send gifts and an in person "Thank you" for everyone else when gift is recieved.

We always RSVP!

Always open doors for others, not just girls, and always get the doors for elders(including strangers).

My boys and family in general always get out and help people push their broken down car out of any intersection or onto the shoulder or help when someone gets stuck in the snow. I have sent my 3 oldest out of the car to help a stranded bystander in the middle of a busy intersection, it made them feel good to help and they talk about it to this day. *I know this wasnt on your list but I think this is a sad over looked show of kindness/how to treat your neighbor...so to speak.

We do the "Please and Thank you" as well as "please pass the salad..and thank you"...we have sunday family breakfast as well as Friday night family dinner with EVERYONE..all other nights are just imediate family dinners at the table (occasionally for fun we have a dinner in the living room on a blanket and watch a movie together).
We teach the kids to set the table and ask what everyone would like to drink. The oldest 2 will help clear the table without even having to be asked because thats just what we do to help eachother out.

We also have a "cinderella type cleaning day" but we dont call it that...we call it a "quick 10 minute tidy" that we do every Saturday...everyone does something and the house gets picked up...granted it lasts a bit longer but doesnt take that long when everone does something at the same time. I think this works great and everyone feels like it is fair. I confess when we started it nobody liked it and I would always say "C'mon...it'll be fun!" and to this day the kids know that if I say that, IT WONT BE FUN, but everyone will be working together and when its over it is always relax time or family fun time either all together, a few of us or some with friends!!!

I teach my kids not to be rude to any one, especially adults.
Not to stare at others that are different, it is rude.
NEVER to litter.
This one shouldnt even have to be on the list but we teach it...never hit a girl.
When company or elders come to sit down, offer your seat. In public and at home (A phrase I still use that I heard as a child was "sit up like you have a family"...if I was ever laying sprawled out on the couch.

I also teach all my kids to be respectful and quiet when around company...I dont like it when adults are trying to have a conversation and there are kids running around being all crazy!!

I cant think of too many that arent used anymore other than No Elbows on the table...sadly we dont use or teach that one, not sure why...I was taught that as a kid.

Oh yeah...never chew with your mouth open and never talk with your mouth full.

We put napkins in our lap when in public but I dont stress that one at home, but I always stress using it!

Hope this is the type of things you were looking for!

K.

5 moms found this helpful

My child is not yet born, but my husband and I have spend alot of time talking about this issue (I am 24 and he is 23). We feel that manners are extremely important and our generation seems to ignore them more than the previous generations. We plan on teaching and inforcing rules regarding table manners, please/thank you, Sir/madam, RSVPs are always a must, unless the invite specifically request that you only respond in the positive or negative, thank you notes are also always a must. Phone manners are important as is proper english (including all these stupid internet abbreviations).

I will also say that my husband was not taught manners as a child, and is highly embarassed that he is unaware of many politeness rules. I was raised in the south with pretty strict parents, and an ill mannered child is still a serious issue there (other people will get after your children if you allow them to act like small animals in public). So we come from very different backgrounds and both feel pretty strongly on this one.

This is actually one reason I dislike living in this area of the country. Common curtisy is not so common and kids seem to do what ever they like in many instances. It is gross.

In regards to the whole girls go first and opening doors and what not, this is one area in which I differ from my parents. I think persons of both genders need to open doors for eachother. I open doors for my husband all the time. Who ever gets to the door first opens it and holds it open for the group. Sex has nothing to do with treating your fellow humans with respect. However, when a gentleman does open a door for me, I thanks him and walk through (many women of my generation seem to see this as insulting rather than a kind gesture)

Find a balence and remember that if your children know what good manners are, they can choose to use them or not. But if they never learn, then they won't even understand why they are offending people.

3 moms found this helpful

I took them to the then downtown Fredrick and Nelsons fancy (very) restaurant to practice eating correctly and quietly from 3 years old.

By 5 they were picking up their toys and dirty toys. Taking off their shoes when they came into the house. And occasionally helping either their dad or me inside or outside the house.

At six my son was setting the table and unsetting the table, sharing the chore with his sister, learning where the dishes, etc. go. We used cloth napkins.

By eight their room became their own. I knocked on their door before entering. They also became responsible for making their own bed and cleaning it up.

I think proper phone "etiquette" is more important than thank you notes now. People are so far away that hearing a voice and talking to them about everyday stuff is a real delight.

I am 59. I came from a very quiet house of two girls. My mother could not stand rough housing as she called it, or the site of blood. (she literally fainted) So we never got hurt.

My house was normal with lots of life. I raised two kids, one a minister in Illinois, a naturally gentle boy, with beautiful dreams about how to live live, and the other a daughter--a avid outdoors woman, strong, beautiful and brave.

Just some ideas.

2 moms found this helpful

Old fashioned etiquette never goes out of style. It's commone courtisy and is appreciated by all.

2 moms found this helpful

GREAT question-- Thanks, A. for letting me sound off ( briefly, I promise) I'm 63-- mother and grandmother - and there is a super book called ''Miss Manners guide to raising Perfect Children'''. Some of the advice is a bit old-fashioned but the heart of it-- oft repeated is this:
'''Good manners are what makes people around you feel safe, comfortable and appreciated''''.

And when you get right down to it- that's the deal- rsvp so the Mom will know how many are or are not coming to the party ---- thank people who do nice things --- do nice things for people--- make the world nicer ---by being nice--
( do I sound like a preschool teacher??? guilty and proud of it)

Blessings,
J.
aka Old Mom

2 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,
I am the same age as you and grew up in a family that stressed polite manners, sending Thank You cards etc. I still live by those rules and think they are important to pass on to my son. I enjoy receiving hand written cards very much...an e-mail is ok, but not getting any kind of thank you seems rude. I think children who are taught good manners can move more confidently and gracefully through the world. I'd say pass along the manners/etiquette that you respect and appreciate receiving. I've seen a few cute children's books about manners and speaking politely. Have fun with it!
L.

1 mom found this helpful

Here's what's important to us...

We are modeling with our toddler to say please and thank you. We coach him when he asks us for something, but are not "what's the magic word" kind of people. This is a habit that children take a long time to learn, and denying them what they are needing doesn't help. But we do use it when we ask him for his cooperation in a task. (Tone of voice when asking for something is a bit more important... no one likes to have orders shouted at them.:))

RSVP- You know, as someone who plans gatherings, it's great to hear from people regardless of if they can make it. I'm sure moms planning parties feel the same way. To me, it's standard courtesy. If you care enough to come, RSVP. If you care enough to be invited again, RSVP if you can't. RSVP is French --Repondez-vous, s'il vous plait--- which translates to Please get back to us in a timely manner whether you are coming or not.

Thank You's- as the auntie of two sets of nephews, I have certain feelings about this. When I take the time to send a package/present, I like some sort of acknowledgement. One of my nephews (and his mom) don't "do" thank you's, and I'm always a bit less excited about gifting them than I am my other set of nephews.Their "thank yous" are often a card that has pictures and stickers from the kids to us, which is age-appropriate for little ones. A note is nice too, and teaches children how to compose a thoughtful correspondence to another person, which can be a lost art in the days of email and texting. Thank you cards are good for two reasons: the giver's genorosity and effort is brought to the attention of the child (so they don't take it for granted) and it's a lifelong skill that is very useful in maintaining adult professional relationships later on. As adults, sending a thank you note to a friend for their help, or another professional for their advice, insight or time is a great way to cement relationships. (I could go on and on in regard to this one!)

Opening doors: First person to the door holds it open for others, regardless of gender. People passing through should return the courtesy and be sure to say "thank you". The other day my husband held a door open for a woman and her younger son, who ignored him completely. "That's a great way to teach your son how to be an entitled jerk" he muttered as soon as we were out of earshot. Which leads me to...

Teaching our kids: it's not what we teach our kids to do, it's what we do ourselves that our kids will learn from. Saying "excuse me" when cutting in front of someone at the store, saying "thank you" for small kindnesses and courtesies, these are important. Saying "please" to servers and other people we interact with. Holding doors open for people with their hands full or pushing strollers, or giving someone on the bus a seat because they need it more than we do...children know kindness and respect when they see it.

You didn't mention table manners, but those are important too. Elbows on the table aren't the biggest deal in our house, but sitting down while one is eating, chewing with one's mouth closed, and not speaking with a mouth full of food are good habits. Being a pleasant dinner mate has it's priviledges later in life.

For what it's worth, I'm 38 and hated writing thank you notes... and I'm so glad my mother made me do it!

1 mom found this helpful

I have three children ages 10 (boy), 7 (girl) and 5 (girl). Since the age of 5 they have written their own thank you notes for birhtday and Christmas gifts even if they gave verbal thanks at the party. Also, I too write thank you notes for any gift given to me even at the age of 33. I hope to keep this continuing in my children all the way into adulthood. I think this is a dying art and it should continue. My parents always made me write thank you notes as a child and I didn't like doing it, but now I am so thankful that they taught me this etiquette. Please and thank you are a requirement for my kids and they usually always remember to say them. If I am present and they do occasionally slip and forget all I have to do is raise my eyebrows or say "what?" and they immediately know what I am referring to and say the proper words.

As for RSVPing I always do this regarless if we are attending or not. As somebody who had been on the other end I think it is rude not to. When I am planning one of my kids' parties or a gathering of adults at our house I expect an RSVP whether you are attedning or not. However, this hardly ever happends. Especially for the kids' parties I need to know how many plates, cups, goody bags etc... to have on hand. I always worry I am not going to have enough because somebody may show up that didn't RSVP. For those parties outside of the home that have a limit of the amount of kids that can attend and then have to pay extra for each child over their limit RSVP is a MUST!! This is one of my biggest pet peeves in life.:)

As for my son, he is very respectful of girls and women. He always holds the door open for them (although not car doors, we'll work on that as he gets older). I think growing up with two sisters has something to do with this as well. He is a sensitive boy and cares about others feelings be it females or males.

We do have a family night although it is not the same night every week due to my husbands work schedule. It is either a Friday or a Saturday though, we are too busy during the week with the kids' activities to do it then.

These are great questions that you posted. I think in this day and age there is always room for etiquette. I see way too many teenagers who have zero respect for their parents and other adults including teachers and it is very sad. I am teaching my children to respect everybody and the importance of it. I have a book called I Refuse To Raise A Brat and it has great suggestions! Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Please, please, please keep it up!!! We need more parents teaching etiquette, it is severely lacking out there in the world! I'm 35, my husband is 34 and we have two daughters 9 and 2. We teach them to say please and thank you, to RSVP to a party whether you are going or not, to send thank you notes for a gift they receive (whether in person or not), to open doors for anyone, to show respect for adults, to look people in the eye when they talk, to say "excuse me" when passing people in stores, to say "may I" when they want something......and I'm sure I'm forgetting some. I'm shocked at the lack of respect people show to each other. I've had many a door slam in my face when walking into a store behind someone. Also, kids running around stores and malls drives me crazy and who are these parents that let their kids go in public places with their "wheelies" (the most annoying footwear ever made) and watch as they crash into people and things! Phew, I feel better!:)
As for family nights, we eat dinner together every night, we say grace and talk about each others day. Also, we try to do family movie/game night every Friday night. So I guess you can tell I'm all about this idea and above all make sure to lead by example.
God Bless!
-B.

1 mom found this helpful

I believe we need to get back to basics when it comes to etiquette. I'll do thank you cards to certain people and definitely when they're old enough to write them themselves. A call is the least you should do if the gift isn't received in person. I would definitely teach my sons to open doors for anyone not just girls. I always RSVP especially if I'm coming so they know how many people to expect.

Our family night is usually dinner and a movie or board games. We also do "Cinderella Sundays" where everyone chips in on chores. We then make that special too with ice cream or something fun when we finish!

P.S. I'm 32, my husband is 37. I was raised by my grandparents though so I think I tend to hold more of an old-fashioned sense of values and etiquette.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello A.:

We always RSVP and send Thank you's. I cannot imagine just leaving people in the wind on a head count for a party, that takes planning and money. Also, if someone takes the time to do something nice for me or my child, we must always send a Thank you. I feel it is a great lesson for children and keeps them feeling grateful for what they recv.

Have a great day.

1 mom found this helpful

I've taught my boys the "old Fashioned" etiquette. It never goes wrong! There are companies sending their employees to school to learn etiquette.
How many times have you called somewhere and listened to the receptionist of customer service person use slang and not say thank you or please? Does it bother you?
Have you been in a restaurant and had kids running around screaming and yelling or push you out of the way to get out the door?
I'm constantly getting compliments from people at how well behaved my boys are, and elderly people are shocked that they wait for them and hold doors open. Why are they shocked, because it is such a rare thing to see.
I would definately teach them the old fashioned way of doing things, then they will know.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I'm 39 - hubby is 40. My 4-year old and 2-year old daughters already say "please" and "thank you" habitually - people comment on it all the time.

I sent thank-you notes on behalf of my daughters until they could hold crayons. For my daughter's 4th birthday, I printed out pages with the words "Thank you" in outline so she could color them in. She carefully chose different colors for each recipient.

For the rest, it's the "Golden Rule" - "do unto others as you would have others do unto you." My girls are already learning that some people aren't nice and polite for whatever reason... and that it isn't okay to be rude in return.

We eat dinner together every night, and we have a weekly "popcorn and movie night" on Friday nights (I grew up with that one myself!). The youngest is a bit too young for games yet, but we do cuddle and read together as a family every night before bed.

Chores - again, they're a bit on the young side to do more than put away their toys and books. We have a nightly tidy-up after dinner. Oh, and they clean up their own spills.

GREAT question!

1 mom found this helpful

A. - Hi there. I am just going to answer the questions you asked. But first of all, 32 year old mother of two boys (ages 6 and 3) and full time nanny to one little girl (2 1/2).
We do thank you cards for gifts to certain people. We don't ever get gifts without the person being in front of us, except for my grandmother who is in Florida. She gets thank you cards. Everyone else gets a big thanks! and a hug.
We ALWAYS rsvp. It is rude not to. Whoever is throwing the party needs to know how many people are going to be there. I HATE IT when people just show up to my house.
I have not really touched on opening doors, but when my son does it for me I thank him and let him know it is very helpful and if someone holds the door for me I always thank them. He also sees me hold the door open for people.
We do not have family night. We have a sit down dinner together every night (which I know wont happen for long, but it's good now!). My sons play board games, soccer with their dad, and read (spanish and english) stories almost every night.
Children learn their etiquette by watching their parents. If you are thankful and polite your children will learn to be like that as well.
(little example - Yesterday some idiot driver ran a red light right in front of me and we almost had an accident. I slammed on the breaks and honked as I skidded to a stop. My 3 year old pipes up from the back seat, "You forgot to say "stupid driver!!" Ugh. Out of the mouths of babes.)
L.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
We always always RSVP.. b/c it helps the people planing the party..
Also we do thank you notes for birthday gifts.. I do them together with my kids and it is a great way to prepare them for when they get older to write a hand written thank you.. I think if the person takes the time and the money to buy a gift a whole made card or a store bought one is good.. Nothing fancy.. the kids put stickers ect.. on them.. We do a family night.. nothing fancy.. just imprompt.. soemtimes we watch a movie.. make cookies... color/arts and crafts.. or dance around the living room.
I have 2 girls ages 3 and 6.
L.

1 mom found this helpful

Good question! I think etiquette is important. At least the basics. My kids write thank you notes for everything (which right now means I mostly do for 2 of them, but they always color on them or sign their name or whatever they are capable of at their age). I also notice that all of my 5 year olds friends write thank you notes when they have a birthday party. People go to special efforts to get nice gifts - everyone (not just the kids) should show their appreciation.

You should respond to everything that asks for an RSVP. I am always stunned when people don't RSVP. It is so rude. It doesn't matter what kind of event it is - the host is planning food, perhaps party favors, how to set the table, etc. RSVPs are not optional in my book.

As for the other things, we have not really formall taught that boys hold the door for girls, but my 13 year old is very polite and holds the door.

I think it is important for kids to learn how to greet people (look them in the eye, speak clearly, shake hands when appropriate) and how to thank a hostess when they leave. My youngest two certainly haven't mastered this, but we try every time.

I see so many inconsiderate kids and adults (and lots who are wonderful, too). Good manners, being polite, etiquette may seem over the top, but it is because not enough people do these things that we have so many disrespectful, inconsiderate kids.

I'm 43 with 3 boys - 13, 5 and 2.
C.

1 mom found this helpful

I have two girls, ages 5 and 3. We are big into teaching them etiquette. We say please and thank you, as well as 'yes please' and 'no thank you'. We RSVP both a yes and no response. We send handwritten thank you cards for everything, even if the person was present when the gift was received. My husband and I also send hand written thank you notes. We send notes for everything received, including help, cards, small and large gifts, etc. We teach "excuse me" when accidentally running into someone, needing to step in front of them (like at the store) or when wanting to interject into a conversation. We hold the door open for others and let people go in before us. And, if someone holds the door for us, we say Thank You...and we expect our kids to do it as well.

I agree that it appears not many parents worry about teaching these things anymore, but I wish more parents would! Imagine how much nicer our world would be if we teach this next generation a little respect, and some basic manners!!

WE also eat dinner together as a family most nights and say grace before we eat. During dinner, we chat about our days. WE like to spend family time together either reading or watching movies. We also like to go out to movies or bowling, or to the park when the weather permits. We spend a lot of time outside together hiking and riding bikes.

Since you asked for age, I am just about 30 and my husband is in his (late)30s.

And, one more thing...these behaviors are expected...we do not reward our children for showing good manners. It is just something we do in this family. We treat others the way we want to be treated...with courtesy and respect!

We taught our children manners as they were growing up like, opening the door for others, helping people, say "May I be excused" to leave the table at meals, we had them write thank you letters to relatives, what is polite & of course the basic thank you's. We didn't know if they always were getting it or would grow up and be polite to others. They weren't always polite to their own parents.

They are now 18 & 21 and the feedback I get from others is what nice young people they are, offering to carry a heavy package for a neighbor, opening doors for others, and that they have become caring people. They so far haven't written thank you notes on their own, but there is hope.

In our small world the more manners we teach our children the nicer world.

P.S. I think R.S.V.P. is always the right thing to do. The hosts need to know how many are attending, so Call in both cases.

We do all of the above and we also have taught our children that if a guest comes over they get to choose what they want to do.

Hi A.,

Here is my opinion:

I am 37 yr. old mom to 4 boys (step mom to a 23 yr old, mom to a 6 yr. old & 2 - 22 month old twins) & I am a firm believer in RSVP-ing always it is such a big help when planning parties! It also takes very little time. As for Thank You cards, I try to always do that too & will put gifts away so they can't be played with until the notes have been sent. As for the door thing I think that is only necessary when you encounter an elderly person or a small child that might get smooshed in the door if someone doesn't hold it for them & that is a lesson for both boys & girls.

As for the family night we have a movie night for our 6 year old every friday if he has been good all week & hasn't had the privilege revoked, he picks it out & gets to stay up 1/2 hr to 1 hr later than usual. We are also starting to have a game night with him once a week, but find that sometimes the evening isn't the best time, since he is more tired & his attention span can be shorter then, he can't sit still, so the weekend during his brothers nap time is better for that.

Hope this helps.

C.

To keep it short...

I'm 38, DH 40, DS 4.5, one in the oven! :-)

RSVP - Always for either yes or no, with a thank-you for the invite, usually by phone or email

THANK-YOUs - Absolutely always! Verbal if person present. Written on a note card if not present. This is a personal BIG pet peeve of mine. I have been sending gifts, gift cards, etc., to neices and nephews for years and getting no response to know whether or not they even received them! I finally told my sister and sisters-in-law, "If they can't be bothered to thank us for the gifts, then we won't be bothered to send any more of them." Suddenly we were getting thank-you calls. I am stringently teaching my son that we have to do this, same as others with writing the card and letting him sign.

DOORS - just polite for any age or gender

SERVICE WORKERS - In the spirit of teaching respect for anyone that does anything for you, even if you're paying for it, we are teaching our son first to acknowledge people, i.e. greet the supermarket checker w/ a "hello" and then "thank you." Second, that could be you one day, so be nice to that person. Third, you get more flies w/ honey than vinegar. Sort of the Golden Rule mixed with How to Win Friends and Influence People. LOL

CHORES - my son has been doing chores since he could walk w/o falling down. We add/update his chore list on each birthday. He fills the dog dish, clears dishes from the table, helps set table, fills our reuseable water bottles from the big water cooler, pick up his toys. On his 5th b-day we'll add in emptying garbage, at least the bathroom-size cans. This is how he earns TV/DVD time. He gets one "chore tile" per chore completed every day the week before. If he didn't fill the dog bowl one day and I had to do it, no tile for the week. Each tile = 1/2 TV or 1 hr of a movie, 2-hr movie is 2 tiles.

FAMILY NIGHT - our schedules are very hectic, so we don't have anything planned. But bedtime is family time. Everyone brushes teeth and gets ready for bed together. If there's time, which there usually is, he reads a book at his level and then we'll read him a bonus book.

Thanks for the question! :-) Imagine, that was the short answer! LOL

My husband and I are both 36. He was raised in an ultra polite household and I in a more casual atmosphere but where we were taught to treat people with respect. He and I differ in our opinions on the topic of politeness. For example, I think it's a little ridiculous to force a child to apologize to an inanimate object! I teach my almost 5 year old daughter that different situations require different types of communication. For example, it is not very important to me if she uses the word please with me as long as she uses a nice tone of voice. With her dad and his parents, it is important to use please all the time and of course also a nice tone of voice. I've heard too many people insisting on "the magic word" only to have "PLEASE!" said in a rude tone of voice. I think it's a very important lesson to learn to communicate in a way that is fitting to the setting. Saying, "excuse me but would you mind getting that ball for me?" is probably a tad too formal for the playground. It might not hurt but it might be a cause for social isolation if you're speaking too formally. By the way, people often compliment even my two-year-olds for their politeness so I don't think I've been too lax (sp?) by not insisting that please be used all the time. My friend used a really nice way of prompting her kids to say thank you. She would just silently use the sign for thank you and then they would remember to use it (without a potentially embarrassing public reprimand). I also don't force my kids to say sorry but do talk to them about how the other person might feel and ask if there is something they want to say. They ALWAYS choose to say, "sorry" or "I didn't mean to hurt you" or "are you ok?" or "how can I make it up to you?" or they give a hug and ask if the person feels better now. I'm going for authentic communication. I'm trying to guide them to interact considerately but not have it be rote and meaningless. We always write thank yous, even if the person was there when we opened the gift and I have all three kids help in that process in whatever way they can. We also do Family Meetings once a week or every other week, depending on how busy we are. We all LOVE those and I think they are really going to pay off when the kids are older. We will have already put this practice in place so it will be there to help us through hard times like adolesence (or whatever else comes up). It brings a sense of family unity and gives us a forum for discussing basics like plans for the week, dinner ideas and to solve problems. I read about Family Meetings in a teaching book (I think it was called "Positive Discipline")and then learned more about it from Mormon friends in our neighborhood. (It doesn't have to be a religious thing though as we are not religious at all - Humanists). It's not everyone's style but it works really well for us. Let me know if you have other questions about what I do with the kids. I just kind of rambled on as things came to my head. I hope that's helpful. I think you're question was great - an important thing for us to be pondering. ( :
B.

We sent our older kids to a class on etiquette offered by Overlake Hospital in the Bellevue area. It was WONDERFUL! And the kids actually loved it too, surprisingly.

We have taught on the old-fashioned side of things. Never can err too much in the name of etiquette, is my theory!

The only thing I think we have differed on is names. We do not have a lot of friends who are comfortable being called Mr. and Mrs. (as I was taught to do as a child). Therefore, we assess each situation individually. A lot of times we call them "Mama Sue" or "Papa John". This may have to change as my children grow older, but for now it is sufficient.

I am 40, was raised in the 70s with old-fashioned parents.

We do have family nights, we will watch a movie together (which is not so interactive) and also play games a lot. You can play old-fashioned games like charades which require no board game - and are very interactive and funny! And good for lots of ages. The games are a big hit if we make it like a "the lights went out" type of night (candles, fireplace, popcorn). My husband has even gone so far as to pop popcorn on the grill! We also go on walks and moon-watching, particularly if the moon is full.

Hi, I believe there isn't enough etiquette taught these days. All the items you mention are still pertinent. I feel like the more you teach the better. We have kids over all the time that have little if any clue about table manners. We are constantly have to remind my kids friends that I don't want to "hear" them eat. I am probably a bit older than most so this might be "old fashioned", I am 47. In this case more is better.

Good luck.

L.

Hello ~

These are great questions. I can tell you my opinion, and the opinion of the Mamas I hang with. Every group is different, but here is what I think is important:

Always RSVP. Always. If they wrote it on the invite then they really do want to know.

Always send a traditional Thank You card for gifts that came through the mail. A call when you receive it is nice too, just so they know it got there.

When we have birthday parties for the kids, I have the kids sit in a circle on the floor. The party kid sits a chair in the circle, with an empty chair next to him/her. The giver of the gift being openned gets to sit in the chair next to the honoree. This way I can get a pic of the two of them and the gift. This goes to the giver in an email thank you. Thank you cards aren't really required if the giver was present when you openned, but the kids love to get an email thank you and a pic. If there are children/others who sent gifts but didn't come, send them a written thank you.

I encourage kids (not just boys) to hold the door for others and let others go first.

Good questions! I'm sure others have even better answers, so I will be reading!

We are teaching our boys to open doors for others (not just girls...including those near the door you are already opening, elders...etc). We are not in the stage of thank you cards yet since they are so young...we use a phone call so they can talk to the relative and have that connection (I admit to not being up on thank you cards myself...anyone have suggestions on how to change this??). We RSVP to party invites no matter if we are attending or not. Please and Thank you are a must for most cases. We are also having our boys address the other adults in their lives as Mr or Miss so-an-so (unless we feel that first names are not acceptable then it is MR or MRS...).

Hope this helps.
T.
Mom of 2.5yr old twin boys.

A.,

Great question and awesome responses! I love this board.

I was brought up with strict parents when it came to manners and etiquette and I can clearly remember coming to the realization how lucky I was when I was only in Junior High School.

I could see how treating others with respect, knowing the correct response in certain social situations, knowing how to behave in a nice restaurant, saying please and thank you, opening doors for others or offering to help, if appropriate, made life so much easier for me. It was startling for me the day I got it, but I have been deeply grateful to my parents ever since.

They drilled it into our heads from day one and it has benefited me enormously throughout my adult life - I believe it can be very hard for some people to grasp these things on their own as adults.

Keep it up!! Blessings. M.

Hi A.,
It is very encouraging to hear your thoughts.
Thank you cards, yes
RSVP, yes
RSVP, especially if you will not be attending
Thank you for teaching your son to open doors for girls!
It is not old fashion, it is polite.(It is what my dad INSISTED we girls expect in everyday life)
I have a family day with my daughter.
I am 31 and a single parent. I am trying to teach my daughter these exact things.
R.

A.,
Hello, I am 34 & my husband is 46. Our daughter is 7 & we stress a lot of etiquette with her, table manners, phone etiquette, she must call all her elder family by their title before there first name(Uncle Kirk, Aunt Tracy)& all our friends are Mr. Ethan or Miss Jeannette. A person can never have too good of manners, but they can have bad manners people will notice. I RSVP eve if I am not going to a party so people are not left wondering. They get a verbal thank you from her if they are present & so do the parents & a written one if they are not. Her dad leads by example on how a man should treat a woman, even after 14 years he still opens all my doors for me and for her as well and closes the car door after I have gotten in the car. We have a family night the only night everyone is home Sunday, we used to have a whole family day before his work forced him back onto nights. Generally it is a day to unplug leterally, no tv, computer or games we read the paper , books & play games that are not eletronic. I believe social skills must be cultivated along with relationships. I am remodeling the house currently when it's finished we will be entertaining & I consider it an opportunity to show her the etiquette of entertaining. We have also typed up & posted rules for her room and our house rules for her friends to read because we have ran into etiquette problems with guests, now they know what is expected in my house. If they can't follow the rules they are asked to leave until they can, then they may ask permission to come back with a reminder of how they will act in our house. Right now my daughter is only allowed to play over at two other kids houses because of the whole etiquette problem.
Our hope is that if we teach her to be respectful it will be returned & she will feel good about herself and have confidence in herself. It is a way of life, you get more bees with honey than vinegar.
My husband & I are always pleased to get compliments from other parents for our daughter's good behavior. It is a source of pride for us.

I am 35 and my grandmother was very big on Etiquette. She didn't live near me so she sent cards,money and gifts and expected a Thank you back which I learned very early on to do. I continue that with my kids even though my firends and family say I don't have to! I think it's the nicest thing to do when someone took the time and money to send a gift. Who doesn't like a piece of happy mail? It should be a dying art that should live on. It will only do that if we keep instilling it in our kids.
I think you should teach it all! I think not giving an RSVP is just plain RUDE! I have heard so many complaints from moms about this. Is it really that hard to do? What example are showing your children by not telling the person nice enough to host a party that you will be there or not be there so they can plan on having enough food or treats for everyone. I am outraged that people think that is OKAY! I am not there yet for my kids they are still too young. But, believe me if I have to call out some moms I will!

Don't let Chivarly die either! I think it teaches respect to women that the media, movies and video games do not do. There is too much disrespect taught in this world we should at least as parents try our hardest to combat it with teaching our children simple and easy etiquette that is really just respect for others in turn they will respect themselves, others and their things and the earth!

Please and thank you are a must. I also have my kids write thank you notes, especially to grandparents, but really to everyone including their friends. I always RSVP because the host needs to know whether or not you're coming. It doesn't matter if it is a child's party or adult's. As far as opening the door, I'm more whoever gets there first holds it for the people behind them.

We have a family date night on Fridays. We go out to dinner. Other families I know, will have a movie night at home, pizza night, and/or game night. It seems to take place on Fridays for most families.

I am a 40 year old mother of a girl, 8, and a boy, 6.

Hi A.,

I am 28, my husband 26. We are huge fans of manners and polite behavior. Sadly, please and thank you are not the most common things anymore, but we stress them hugely (for all little people in our lives, including our 1-year-old). We send thank you notes for almost everything and err on the side of overnoting than undernoting. We both write on our thank you notes, so it's not just the woman's responsibility. :) (People love that, by the way. We actually get complimented on our thank you notes.) RSVP always. It's so necessary for planning, and I always get discouraged when people don't do it. I think that kids should be involved in thank yous as soon as they're old enough to hold a pen to draw a picture. Then they can sign their name. Then they can write the note. Calls are nice too, but few people take the time to send a hand-written note, and everyone loves it. This may seem silly, but saying hi and goodbye to people (greeting them) is something we believe in teaching too. We also tip well; this may not be etiquette, but it involves treating people well. In general, all of this is about being a kind and empathetic person.

Interesting question!
L.

I agree with most of the posters, good manners are important and should be taught. I always RSVP, regardless of the answer. According to the Emily Posts of the world, if you open a gift and the person is there with you, a verbal thank you is sufficient. If the gift is opened when you are not with the person, than a card is required. I always make the girls send the grandparents a note, they love to get those!

My daughters are required to say "please" and "thank you", but if it is said in a snotty way they have to ask again to get what they want. Kindness is required and you have to teach compassion, these things also lead to good manners because they allow your children to put themselves in the shoes of others.

My husband and I are 40 and our girls are 7 & 5. I was a 7th & 8th grade teacher and manners were required in my classroom as well. It's all about treating people the way you want to be treated.

A.,

I'm 27 and didn't have the best examples of etiquette. My hubby and I did teach please and thank you to our 5 year old and 2 year old. We started with sign language, then went from there.

Yes, we try to RSVP either way, whether we can or cannot make the event. We (sadly) almost never send thank you cards or notes of any kind. My 5 year old son loves to wrestle with the doors everywhere we go and will hold them for people that are nowhere near the doors.

M.

I'm 23 with one 19 month old son and nanny to three: 6, 11, and almost 13.

I try to do Thank You cards - though I wish I was better about doing so - I did them for my bridal shower but didn't have time for my baby shower, and by the time I did, it was too late to send them. I am, in no way, offended if I don't receive a thank you card for a gift I have given or sent, however.

I always RSVP. ALWAYS. Especially if I will be there. It's awful to not know how many people are expected.

As my son get's older, he will be taught to open doors for his elders and his dates (and everybody else, I'm sure). As my husband does this, I don't think we'll have trouble teaching him such. The kids that I watch are great about opening doors.

Please and Thank you are big for us - at this point we sign please and smile for thank you, as the sign for thank you confuses him... too much like blowing kisses!

As someone else mentioned, elbows on the table really bother me - my husband's a huge offender, so I don't know that I'll be able to teach my son not to do it. However, when in public restaurants (especially nice ones... it bugs me when we're out in a nice place on a date, and everyone around me doesn't seem to respect the environment), there are no elbows on the table. At home, I don't stress it.

We don't have a family night in stone yet. Each week I try to have Friday or Saturday night be family (with pizza... it's a prerequisite... and a movie) and date nights - doesn't matter which is which - so we have to time to bond together as a family and take the time as a couple to strengthen and renew our marriage. I feel that both are equally important, and time needs to be made for both. Saturday tends to be Family Fun Day, though. It's the day we take drives to exciting places, and do exciting things.

I am 40, my husband 42 and our boys are 11 and 7. To me etiquette is not old fashioned, it is a way of life. Our kids use please and thank you, open doors for others (I was taught to open/hold door for elders), RSVP whether coming or not and call if plans change. I was raised to send a thank you if the person was not there when the gift was opened. I have been lacking in that department with my kids. I even keep thank you cards in my desk but seem to get behind on using them. Sigh. We don't have a set family night but do spontaneous things such as go to the beach, go out to eat, etc.