28 answers

Etiquette Question - Second Baby Registry

Okay moms, i need to know if i am being insensitive or a bad friend. i have this friend who lives in oklahoma, and we have not been close for several years. we both lived in florida several years ago and were very close, working together and hanging out most weekends, but now, she has a three year old and i have a two year old, who have never met. it's been awhile since we've been close. so anyway, we used to call on the phone every few/couple weeks, whatever, no big deal...well the night of dec. 17th, there was a fire in our apartment complex. we ended up being okay, but it was a huge scary ordeal, and now we're fine. but regardless, even though i made several comments about it on my Myspace, which she reads, she STILL has not called me. now i know life happens, so i didn't feel it was "that" big of a deal...kinda found out who my true friends were, know what i mean? but here's the thing, she's pregnant with her second child. she is a stay at home mom, and her husband makes more money than me and my hubby combined. on her myspace she has a line about how much she hates, "having" to do her baby registry, but it "has" to be done. she doesn't even know if she's having a boy or a girl yet! i have already decided i won't be sending her a gift (we're not gifting-type of friends anyway) but should i feel bad? i don't feel like she would send me anything (considering she couldn't even pick the phone up to see how my family and i were after we'd been through a fire) but i wonder where she gets the idea she deserves another baby registry? is that done for second children anyway? i didn't think so. but i guess it's not like she's throwing herself a baby shower. maybe i'm just a little bitter and am being too hard on her?? i am sure eventually she'll pick up the phone, and i don't want to cause bad feelings between us when she does. i just don't feel like it's my place to be calling her. i kinda feel like she owes ME a phone call...i don't know. i guess i'm mostly just venting on here, because i thought i picked my friends more carefully than that. am i wrong for being disappointed?

What can I do next?

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Why on earth would someone complain about having to register for items that people are going to BUY them, let alone write it on myspace for all to see?! Sounds like a very self absorbed woman!

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Second registries and showers used to be an etiquette no-no. However, more and more lately second showers (and more) are being thrown, and it's becoming a little more accepted. Some women also do a registry because they know others might want to buy gifts even if there isn't a shower... so you might as well put together a registry so you get what you need. Also, I'm thinking about doing a registry this time around just to get the discounts later, even though I'm not having a shower (at least that I know of...I hope not). Plus, like you said, if someone else is throwing her a shower, she might not have that much control over it.

So, try to cut her some slack in that respect.

How about you just give her a call to catch up? I know you feel like she "owes" you a call after the fire, but the phone does work 2 ways. Maybe she also feels like you've grown apart, and that's why she hasn't called. Try not to get too upset about it without talking to her first.

I hope things work out.

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I agree with you. I don't think you should have a registry for baby #2. I just dealt with this same issue with my 20 yr old SIL. She is having baby #2 with daddy #2. I couldn't believe it when she told me she was having another shower!! She has everything she needs (it is another girl)! She even registered for a new high chair, stroller, crib, etc! Anyways, I do think it is tacky to ask people for more gifts when you should be set with gear. As far as her not calling you, I would be upset too. I'd say move on, my friend! Again, I have a similar experience with a "friend". It has been 5 years since SHE parted ways and it STILL bugs the tar out of me! I'm better off without her though! :o) Good luck!

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More Answers

Hi C.,

I feel you may be missing something here. Some people don't know what to say when something bad happens so they say nothing at all. Maybe this is what is going on with your friend.

I went through a similiar thing with a friend disappointing me. After I took a second look at it, I realized I did not need to be upset, that's just how the experience went. Maybe she had a good reason to not call.

Don't hold a grudge, it just builds inside and makes life sad.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

3 moms found this helpful

Good Morning C., Let it go hon, nothing will be gained by holding this against her. Some people are just into themselves more then others. Some folks would read your page and see your ok, and let it go. Rude probably since your distant friends.

Our daughter in law lost her father after being diagnosed with cancer in two weeks, last Feb. Her very Best friend never called or came by to see her. It took Lisa 6 months to let her know how sorry she was. The reason was Lisa found her own mom dead (natural causes) about 8 months before and just couldn't deal. Gen was there for Lisa constantly when that happened, but Lisa didn't know how to cope with someone elses loss.

That was a bit more dramatic prehaps then what you are going through. It just shows some people are really into themselves while others just don't know how to function in a crisis.

You don't have to call her, but post a congrats on the new addition, on her Myplace, then let it go. Or an eCard for the coming baby. Nope ya don't need to send a gift.

Don't hold a grudge, will hurt you more then Her as she just won't see it. You be the better friend.

God Bless C., walk tall and smile Big. Don't let Bitterness Rent space in your heart.
K. Nana of 5
ps Vent anytime, one day I am gonna let loose too....laughing Will need all you Mama's to tie me down. :))

3 moms found this helpful

Hi there!

I'm sorry to hear about the fire...that had to be REALLY scary!!! (One of my biggest fears!)
I didn't read the other responses yet, but here's just my 2 cents. First off, I know how you feel...I have a lot of friends who have been separated by distance and some stay strong, some whither away, and some are "lukewarm".
In this case, if I were you, I would likely send her a card when the new baby arrives congratulating her on her new arrival, and that's all. Things have gotten out of hand in general with buying buying buying (and expectations thereof). With a card and a nice note, you've acknowledged the happy event and probably put more thought into it than many do sending a gift off an internet registry.
As for her having a registry for a second or later child, personally I think it is fine, not necessary, but actually a nice thing to do for someone who does want to get a gift, but has no idea where to start knowing what is actually needed and what they already have. Now...I certainly wouldn't make an announcement about it, but if someone asked, she could say, "Well, thank you! I do have a little wish list for things we need at XYZ".
And in terms of picking your friends...there is room in our lives for all types of friends, and the hard part is realizing that someone isn't quite the person we thought they were. It doesn't mean you need to get rid of the friendship, only to adjust your expectations.
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Well I don't know the actual etiquette on a second or even third baby registry BUT I will say I did register at one store for my second child and ONLY because I knew several family members/friends were going to try to buy me things (first was a boy and second was a girl) and at least they would know what I needed. I NEVER EXPECTED anything, nor did I have a baby shower for the second child.

As for your friend...I sure wouldn't feel quilty about not sending her anything. She sure hasn't shown any concern for you, why on earth would you feel the need to send her anything. And as far as even a congratulations card when the baby comes...if she can't send out an announcement or even call then a card isn't even needed. Maybe I'm just too old school but just because we have new technology and things like My Space doesn't clear a person from actually communicating with friends and family in a more personal manner.

As for being disappointed...I've been there time and again...decide if it's a friendship worth saving or not. If it is, confront her. State your grievance and hold your ground and make your decision based on that. If it's not worth it, then stop reading her My Space page and take her number out of your cell phone...users aren't worth your time. Find someone that is.

1 mom found this helpful

Why on earth would someone complain about having to register for items that people are going to BUY them, let alone write it on myspace for all to see?! Sounds like a very self absorbed woman!

1 mom found this helpful

We all have expectations for our friends, and sometimes, they will disappoint us when they don't meet those expectations--but keeping score in relationships just means the other person loses. No matter how many times you have called her, no matter what happens in your life or hers, she doesn't "owe" you a phone call. You can't expect others to make you happy--your happiness is your OWN responsibility.

If you want to talk to her, then call her. If you don't want to make the effort, then don't. But you can't expect her to read your mind. She might be waiting on YOU to call her to see how her pregnancy is going!

She may not even know about the fire. Don't assume she reads your Myspace page often, if at all--a lot of my friends have Myspace pages or blogs, and I *rarely* get around to reading them. Even the few I do read, I often just skim recent entries--and I know I may miss important info that way, but I just don't have the time to read everything. If it's important enough, I'll eventually find out about it.

Even if she does know about the fire, she may not realize that you want her to call you about it--after all, you and your family are fine. She may have just thought, "Oh, thank goodness they're okay," and left it at that, especially if your entries about it imply that everything is fine now and things are taken care of.

About the baby registry: If you don't want to send a gift, then don't send one (personally, I'd send a card if I wanted to stay friends, but that's just me). But otherwise, the baby shower really has nothing to do with you or your friendship with her. It sounds like you're just looking for reasons to judge her unfavorably.

And I'm not sure how their income is even *remotely* related to whether they "deserve" a baby shower, so I'll assume that was just venting, too. ;-)

Honestly, it sounds like you want to have a *closer* relationship with her than you currently do--otherwise, it probably wouldn't bother you so much that she hasn't called. Maybe you should be putting in more effort to maintain the friendship, rather than finding reasons to stay angry. But that's just my opinion, and I could be way off.

If you decide the friendship is worth it and want to put the effort in to maintain it, then do so, but for the sake of the friendship and your own sanity, stop keeping score! If you decide that the friendship is not really worth it, then stop putting in the effort and just let it go.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.
--A.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with you. I don't think you should have a registry for baby #2. I just dealt with this same issue with my 20 yr old SIL. She is having baby #2 with daddy #2. I couldn't believe it when she told me she was having another shower!! She has everything she needs (it is another girl)! She even registered for a new high chair, stroller, crib, etc! Anyways, I do think it is tacky to ask people for more gifts when you should be set with gear. As far as her not calling you, I would be upset too. I'd say move on, my friend! Again, I have a similar experience with a "friend". It has been 5 years since SHE parted ways and it STILL bugs the tar out of me! I'm better off without her though! :o) Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Second registries and showers used to be an etiquette no-no. However, more and more lately second showers (and more) are being thrown, and it's becoming a little more accepted. Some women also do a registry because they know others might want to buy gifts even if there isn't a shower... so you might as well put together a registry so you get what you need. Also, I'm thinking about doing a registry this time around just to get the discounts later, even though I'm not having a shower (at least that I know of...I hope not). Plus, like you said, if someone else is throwing her a shower, she might not have that much control over it.

So, try to cut her some slack in that respect.

How about you just give her a call to catch up? I know you feel like she "owes" you a call after the fire, but the phone does work 2 ways. Maybe she also feels like you've grown apart, and that's why she hasn't called. Try not to get too upset about it without talking to her first.

I hope things work out.

1 mom found this helpful

I keep hearing that it is more and more common to have a second registry, but it seems to me that you may already know that you don't plan on a deep friendship with this woman in the future. If it was your best friend, I would say you should get her a gift, but it's clear you aren't close anymore. I've had to cut ties with a few friends over the last year because of various reasons (they were on drugs, constantly negative or just made me feel bad when I was around them). I was constantly disappointed with these women. I think you should A. Not send a gift, and B. Spend your time and energy towards friends that care about you. You will feel so much better once you are surrounded by TRUE friends. Just my opinion :)

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I think you are taking things way to personally. You expect her to call you based off of your myspace page that you think she read, but just as likely not. Has she commented on your page recently, like after the fire? If not how do you know she's read it. It sounds like she has a lot going on too. Also, why do you expect her to call you? The phone works both ways right? And why, oh why, do you care that she has a registry if you aren't going to get her a gift! How is it bothersome that her husband makes more than both of you combined? Do you want to be friends with this person or not? It doesn't sound like it to me. Just stop calling her (which you've already done) and stay off her myspace page. People drift apart.

BTW, people do have registries for second children. Especially if the child is a different sex from the first. They are usually a lot smaller and if there is a shower it is also smaller.

1 mom found this helpful

NO! Your not supposed to have two baby showers! I dont care what anyone says. Especially these days with people losing their jobs and prices on everything going up. Why do people have to buy you things twice? I just had a boy and the stuff I used for my daughter worked out just fine (besides clothes of course) everything else is pretty neutral, I did that on purpose. My daughter is almost 4, I kept all of our big items and baby toys because I knew I was going to have another child some day. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my friends and family spoiled me rotten with baby stuff, I honestly dont think I had to buy a thing. I was very grateful and appreciative to them, how could I possibly ask people to do that again? So rude but some people do. I was kinda shocked this past summer I was pregnant with my second and couple of friends texted me asking why they werent invited to my shower. I was like you dont have showers for your second baby! Some people just dont know. But she sounds pretty greedy and selfish. I would just call her and tell her that with your house fire you dont have a lot of extra money right now...lol. Its not funny, Im sorry but she doesnt seem like a great friend. Its sad but there are people I never thought I would grow apart from but I did, we are just too different. I mean I will always care about them and wish them the best but you cannot force someone to be a good friend. IM glad you and your family are ok and I dont even know you! I would be pretty hurt too!

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It does sound as though you and this woman have grown apart, and that she did not call you in a time of crisis is very telling. As you said you really do find out who your REAL friends are in these types of situations. However, I don't think it is all that strange to have a registry for a second child. I would think it MIGHT be a good thing to do with a second child to avoid "Doubling" up on things you may already have still usable from the last child. With as many people who want to gift the expecting mom it can be invaluable especailly if you have lived in many different states and have the possibility of several gifts from those people. Especially with the registries available on the internet....people can order and have shipped directly to the expecting mom! So, in as much as I would love to support the "this mom doesn't need ANOTHER baby registry" in a way it is just the best way to do things. Now that said, if she is "very well off" that probably means she might have things on there that are not very inexpensive which in my mind would "free" me of any guilt of not buying anything for this pregnancy. I don't in any way think you are wrong to be dissapointed. If I had gone through anything similar to a fire in my home I would EXPECT to have some reaction and response from my friends both close and distant. It might be time to just save that energy for someone more "worth" it and cash out on this distant friendship. I know with the internet we tend to "extend" the friendship sometimes over long with people who are probably best not a part of our lives out of the convinience of connection via the online experience, and social networking tools like Facebook and MySpace but remember there is always a reason you stop interacting in Real Life, and sometimes it is just best to let these people go. Enjoy your wonderful friends and family you CAN count on and just let her drift away! ;0)

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I would not get her a gift and I would not feel about it :)

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I have 3 children and only did a baby registry for my 1st. Most of my friends, who have more than one child did the same. We all had baby showers for the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th babies (every baby deserves a party!), but most of the gifts were clothes, books, and diapers. Nothing that needed to be registered. I think the registry is mostly for the 1st baby to help get all of the big items.

1 mom found this helpful

Sorry about the fire in your apt - I'm glad no one was injured. On the note of your friend - I have not heard of someone doing a baby registry for a second child - that is odd. Don't feel bad about not getting her anything - not based on how she hasn't responded to you but on how you would normally respond. If you two aren't really in touch anymore then you probably wouldn't be getting her anything anyway.

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I have/had a friendship that kinda turned out this way. I talk to her about once or twice a year now..it's really a shame. Anyways, I wouldn't send a gift..if only because you guys aren't really friends anymore. Then again, me and my husband aren't really the type who send gifts to distant friends etc...As for the registry, I am pretty sure she shouldn't get another shower/registry unless this one is a different sex than her first. I know I got one for my son (had another son) and I got one for my daughter.

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C. I waited to respond to this request because I needed time to think about the way to word things.

Things have changed over the years, i guess. I am 48 years old. When I got married gift registry was just becoming the thing and everyone expected me to register some where. I didnt. I dont want someone to buy me a gift that I told them I wanted. I was raised with the idea that gift giving comes from the heart. I think registries were designed to companies who found another way to get people to come and spend money at their store. I am against them one hundred percent. If someone cares about me, they will spend the time to think about a gift, not go pick up something I have already picked out for them.

So as far as getting your friend a gift or not, again it should come from the heart. If your heart is not inclined to do so, then follow it.

The fire is another issue all together. A good friend would have inquired and shown some kind of concern. As you said though, the two of you have grown apart. That does not excuse her but certainly does not tell us what was on her mind either.

There are times in our lives when we need to step back and re-evaluate our lives and our friends. I have had to so more than once. Friends are people you can count on. Myspace is about people who are connected by so many varying degrees that you can not count on all of them. If the myspace account did not exist the two of you may have already lost contact with each other.

You have choices in life. I have a saying that I made up just for occasions like this one. The past meets the future where choices begin. Your past may have included her as a friend. Your future may or may not, that will be determined by the choices you make. Hurt feelings can make people do things that they later regret. right now you are under a lot of stress, and emotional upheaval. Think it through, she let you down, but do you know why??? Until you know why, you can not be upset with her.

There is something in my life that I am afraid of, due to a bad experience. If someone I care about has a similar experience I am unable to talk to the about it, I dont know how. My fears and my own issues get in the way. For most people it could be seen as me not caring about them. It isnt, it about me not being able to move in that direction. You may have been friends, but I am sure you dont know everything there is to know about her. If she had a good reason, one that seemed good to her, would you be willing to forgive her non action. If the answer is yes, then dont act on hurt. Dont act on the feelings you have right now, because you do not know what she felt.

Being a friend is about caring enough to seek the inner person, when the outward person is not making sense. Another one of my sayings

1 mom found this helpful

I understand you were quite shaken up by the fire that took place and it's nice to have friends check on you but why is it so important to you that this girl call you? You yourself said that you haven't had very close contact with her for a few years. That in itself should be an indication to you that this girl probably isn't one of your closest friends any more (times do change friendships). Are you expecting every single one of your friends to call to check on you (though, in theory, that would be wonderful), or just this one? That said, try to place yourself in her shoes. Perhaps she has a really, really good reason for not calling (being pregnant and having a toddler can certainly be a good reason).
As far as the baby shower goes, you are under no obligation to send her anything for her baby (though it would be very polite and grown-up of you to call and congratulate her) since she obviously is not one of your closest friends. When she does call,that's all you have to say and then politely tell her you have to go.
If you feel, however, that she really is a close friend, call her and let her know how you felt about her not calling to check on you after your traumatic event. If she really is a true friend, she'll understand. If, however, she is really only interested in herself and what she can get for her baby, then you're better off not stressing yourself out with her "friendship."

It seems like you are mixing issues a bit. You are upset with a "friend" for not seeming to care about things in your life and now she expects you to care about something in hers. But your question about etiqutte is interesting. I guess some of this how people were raised/culture. I'm sure there are etiquette experts out there, but I don't think one has a shower or anything for second children. I have given sentimental type gifts for nieces and nephews, etc.

I know lots of people who have second baby showers! I did I had one of each but I know you can also just have a diaper/wipes shower instead of a regular baby shower!

Maybe your friend didn't call because she didn't know what to say to you. Some people are just not good at that. And the second registry, well, it isn't usually what is done unless your kids are so far apart and you don't have anything anymore. But I guess in some areas it is the thing to do. Different cultures, so to speak. Good luck and God Bless.

I don't like the idea of having multiple babyshowers the 1st baby is great but after that it's like expecting to get gifts for your other children if it is thrown for you great but I wouldn't buy anything expensive even if it was the 1st shower I never put anything that was needed like carseat bed bassinent etc on the registry thats for the parents to buy not others.I'm on my 3rd baby and with my 1st I had a shower my second everyone just gave me things much needed and was greatful and it was out of love even my husbands family i'm talking aunts and cousins all of them bought something for our daughter but i'm not expecting them to buy for this baby too.

Are you certain she's reading YOUR Myspace page? I have friends whom I love dearly and even get to see every once in a while (you know when you both have kids how hard it is to get together), but I don't read their pages on a regular basis at all.

As for the second baby registry, I registered for my second child even though we were having another girl. There were things we had with our first daughter that had broken or that didn't work well and things that seemed like they would be really helpful but weren't available when we had our first. The people I work with wanted to give me a shower (many of them were not working there when I had my first) and so did a friend that I had come back into contact with. I certainly hope I did not come off as greedy-- these showers were not thrown by me or my family.

I think the most important point to consider is that even though your friend probably still cares about you, she probably doesn't read your myspace page on a regular basis (especially considering it's only been a month since your scare-- and you have major holidays in that time frame too!). Why don't you just comment on her page "Hi, how's it going?", let her respond and ask YOU how it's going and then you can tell her! I can almost guarantee that you also have friends on myspace whose pages you don't look at very often.

C., are you sure she's even read your MySpace page? What if she has no clue you've had this incident to deal with? The holidays are a busy time. Perhaps she's not even read it? Also, gifting or no gifting, it's very appropriate to have a "second" shower...or third even. If someone wants to throw you a shower, then so be it. There are really not steadfast "rules" about it. I would say...be done with it. Don't spend another moment wasting your precious time on something you cannot change, smile and move on and be grateful for the blessings in your life. Happy New Year!

It sounds like there are two issues here. 1: You are hurt because she didn't call you to check on you after the fire. 2: You are frustrated and confused about her choice to register for gifts for a second baby shower.

Issue one: Let her know how hurt you are. She may think you need your space. She may have no idea what to say or how to address it. And she may not know that it happened. Yes, you may feel like she owes you a phone call, but do you want to carry this hurt around? It can get very heavy very fast.

Issue two: There may be friends, co-workers, or others planning a baby shower for her. My church decided to throw a baby shower for my second one (whose sex we chose not to find out). I did not want to have one, but they insisted. To better provide for the things that we needed, they asked for a list. It was diapers, wipes, and a crib mattress (maybe a few people wanted to go together and get something big). We needed a mattress because my older son was now in a toddler bed, and our crib had no mattress. The shower was not asked for, not expected, and I tried to say no, but the church members insisted. So I did a list. She may be in the same situation: just register for things you know you will use or get "stuck" with "well-intentioned" gifts.
I would recommend sending a nice card, no matter how issue one turns out, because the baby shower is not related to the fire. And she and her husband, no matter how much more money they make, need to know that their baby is welcome in this world.

C....I am sorry that your friend didn't respond in the way you felt like would have been appropriate after your awful experience with the fire...but...do you KNOW for sure that she has read your facebook...Has she made comments on it that let you know that she has been there?? Maybe she has set up her email contacts so she doesn't receive an email every time one of her friends posts something on their site.
I just feel like your best move...is to let this go...life is not static...all of us grow and change...people come and go in our lives. Send your friend a lovely card when her baby is born...if you were to receive an invitation from her for the 2nd baby shower...reply with regrets.
The fact that you are bitter or upset about the 2nd shower, or the fact that she didnt contact you after the fire, or anything else is hurting YOU...not her.
You can limit your contact to annual Christmas Cards, and an occassional comment on each others face book.
R. Ann

C.,

I think you have 2 seperate issues that you want to make into one from what I read. I would say call her - tell her about the fire. You are expecting her to read it on myspace, but did you send her a personal note? If not she may not know about it at all. You said she is in Oklahoma and you are in the Kansas City area, so chances are she doesn't know about the fire.

As far as a second child, I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but the birth of a baby should be a time of joy and if her family want to give her a baby shower then that is great. If people don't want to buy a gift they don't have to, they don't even have to go to the shower! But think about it, would you be unhappy if you had another baby and no one bothered to give you a shower? If you don't want to send a gift then fine, you don't have to!

My advice would be don't worry about it, if you want to call her then do so, if not that is your choice. But don't put your friend down because she isn't aware of something that happened. Sometimes we lose track of people who were important to us because of moving and not keeping in touch, but if you really want this friendship then let her know that too!

All the best to you in your decisions!
L.

I'm sorry to hear about the fire. I'm sure it was scary and the main thing everyone is ok. It's ok to feel the way you do. It's hard not to feel that way. She may busy or something major in her life has prevented her from contacting you. Yes, we all get busy. She may be having difficulties with her pregnancy or something with her parents/husband. I'm sure she is not that insensitive if you've been friends for a long time. Maybe she is unsure how to contact you or feels she doesn't need to bother you because you have a lot on your plate at this time. We are all human and we are not perfect in others expectations. If you care for one another its ok to call her and clear the air. As far as the gift, traditionally it is only for the first baby. Depending on you - how deep your relationship is - you can give or not. Good Luck!

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