28 answers

Etiquette Question - Second Baby Registry

Okay moms, i need to know if i am being insensitive or a bad friend. i have this friend who lives in oklahoma, and we have not been close for several years. we both lived in florida several years ago and were very close, working together and hanging out most weekends, but now, she has a three year old and i have a two year old, who have never met. it's been awhile since we've been close. so anyway, we used to call on the phone every few/couple weeks, whatever, no big deal...well the night of dec. 17th, there was a fire in our apartment complex. we ended up being okay, but it was a huge scary ordeal, and now we're fine. but regardless, even though i made several comments about it on my Myspace, which she reads, she STILL has not called me. now i know life happens, so i didn't feel it was "that" big of a deal...kinda found out who my true friends were, know what i mean? but here's the thing, she's pregnant with her second child. she is a stay at home mom, and her husband makes more money than me and my hubby combined. on her myspace she has a line about how much she hates, "having" to do her baby registry, but it "has" to be done. she doesn't even know if she's having a boy or a girl yet! i have already decided i won't be sending her a gift (we're not gifting-type of friends anyway) but should i feel bad? i don't feel like she would send me anything (considering she couldn't even pick the phone up to see how my family and i were after we'd been through a fire) but i wonder where she gets the idea she deserves another baby registry? is that done for second children anyway? i didn't think so. but i guess it's not like she's throwing herself a baby shower. maybe i'm just a little bitter and am being too hard on her?? i am sure eventually she'll pick up the phone, and i don't want to cause bad feelings between us when she does. i just don't feel like it's my place to be calling her. i kinda feel like she owes ME a phone call...i don't know. i guess i'm mostly just venting on here, because i thought i picked my friends more carefully than that. am i wrong for being disappointed?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Why on earth would someone complain about having to register for items that people are going to BUY them, let alone write it on myspace for all to see?! Sounds like a very self absorbed woman!

1 mom found this helpful

Second registries and showers used to be an etiquette no-no. However, more and more lately second showers (and more) are being thrown, and it's becoming a little more accepted. Some women also do a registry because they know others might want to buy gifts even if there isn't a shower... so you might as well put together a registry so you get what you need. Also, I'm thinking about doing a registry this time around just to get the discounts later, even though I'm not having a shower (at least that I know of...I hope not). Plus, like you said, if someone else is throwing her a shower, she might not have that much control over it.

So, try to cut her some slack in that respect.

How about you just give her a call to catch up? I know you feel like she "owes" you a call after the fire, but the phone does work 2 ways. Maybe she also feels like you've grown apart, and that's why she hasn't called. Try not to get too upset about it without talking to her first.

I hope things work out.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with you. I don't think you should have a registry for baby #2. I just dealt with this same issue with my 20 yr old SIL. She is having baby #2 with daddy #2. I couldn't believe it when she told me she was having another shower!! She has everything she needs (it is another girl)! She even registered for a new high chair, stroller, crib, etc! Anyways, I do think it is tacky to ask people for more gifts when you should be set with gear. As far as her not calling you, I would be upset too. I'd say move on, my friend! Again, I have a similar experience with a "friend". It has been 5 years since SHE parted ways and it STILL bugs the tar out of me! I'm better off without her though! :o) Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Hi C.,

I feel you may be missing something here. Some people don't know what to say when something bad happens so they say nothing at all. Maybe this is what is going on with your friend.

I went through a similiar thing with a friend disappointing me. After I took a second look at it, I realized I did not need to be upset, that's just how the experience went. Maybe she had a good reason to not call.

Don't hold a grudge, it just builds inside and makes life sad.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

3 moms found this helpful

Good Morning C., Let it go hon, nothing will be gained by holding this against her. Some people are just into themselves more then others. Some folks would read your page and see your ok, and let it go. Rude probably since your distant friends.

Our daughter in law lost her father after being diagnosed with cancer in two weeks, last Feb. Her very Best friend never called or came by to see her. It took Lisa 6 months to let her know how sorry she was. The reason was Lisa found her own mom dead (natural causes) about 8 months before and just couldn't deal. Gen was there for Lisa constantly when that happened, but Lisa didn't know how to cope with someone elses loss.

That was a bit more dramatic prehaps then what you are going through. It just shows some people are really into themselves while others just don't know how to function in a crisis.

You don't have to call her, but post a congrats on the new addition, on her Myplace, then let it go. Or an eCard for the coming baby. Nope ya don't need to send a gift.

Don't hold a grudge, will hurt you more then Her as she just won't see it. You be the better friend.

God Bless C., walk tall and smile Big. Don't let Bitterness Rent space in your heart.
K. Nana of 5
ps Vent anytime, one day I am gonna let loose too....laughing Will need all you Mama's to tie me down. :))

3 moms found this helpful

Hi there!

I'm sorry to hear about the fire...that had to be REALLY scary!!! (One of my biggest fears!)
I didn't read the other responses yet, but here's just my 2 cents. First off, I know how you feel...I have a lot of friends who have been separated by distance and some stay strong, some whither away, and some are "lukewarm".
In this case, if I were you, I would likely send her a card when the new baby arrives congratulating her on her new arrival, and that's all. Things have gotten out of hand in general with buying buying buying (and expectations thereof). With a card and a nice note, you've acknowledged the happy event and probably put more thought into it than many do sending a gift off an internet registry.
As for her having a registry for a second or later child, personally I think it is fine, not necessary, but actually a nice thing to do for someone who does want to get a gift, but has no idea where to start knowing what is actually needed and what they already have. Now...I certainly wouldn't make an announcement about it, but if someone asked, she could say, "Well, thank you! I do have a little wish list for things we need at XYZ".
And in terms of picking your friends...there is room in our lives for all types of friends, and the hard part is realizing that someone isn't quite the person we thought they were. It doesn't mean you need to get rid of the friendship, only to adjust your expectations.
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Well I don't know the actual etiquette on a second or even third baby registry BUT I will say I did register at one store for my second child and ONLY because I knew several family members/friends were going to try to buy me things (first was a boy and second was a girl) and at least they would know what I needed. I NEVER EXPECTED anything, nor did I have a baby shower for the second child.

As for your friend...I sure wouldn't feel quilty about not sending her anything. She sure hasn't shown any concern for you, why on earth would you feel the need to send her anything. And as far as even a congratulations card when the baby comes...if she can't send out an announcement or even call then a card isn't even needed. Maybe I'm just too old school but just because we have new technology and things like My Space doesn't clear a person from actually communicating with friends and family in a more personal manner.

As for being disappointed...I've been there time and again...decide if it's a friendship worth saving or not. If it is, confront her. State your grievance and hold your ground and make your decision based on that. If it's not worth it, then stop reading her My Space page and take her number out of your cell phone...users aren't worth your time. Find someone that is.

1 mom found this helpful

Why on earth would someone complain about having to register for items that people are going to BUY them, let alone write it on myspace for all to see?! Sounds like a very self absorbed woman!

1 mom found this helpful

We all have expectations for our friends, and sometimes, they will disappoint us when they don't meet those expectations--but keeping score in relationships just means the other person loses. No matter how many times you have called her, no matter what happens in your life or hers, she doesn't "owe" you a phone call. You can't expect others to make you happy--your happiness is your OWN responsibility.

If you want to talk to her, then call her. If you don't want to make the effort, then don't. But you can't expect her to read your mind. She might be waiting on YOU to call her to see how her pregnancy is going!

She may not even know about the fire. Don't assume she reads your Myspace page often, if at all--a lot of my friends have Myspace pages or blogs, and I *rarely* get around to reading them. Even the few I do read, I often just skim recent entries--and I know I may miss important info that way, but I just don't have the time to read everything. If it's important enough, I'll eventually find out about it.

Even if she does know about the fire, she may not realize that you want her to call you about it--after all, you and your family are fine. She may have just thought, "Oh, thank goodness they're okay," and left it at that, especially if your entries about it imply that everything is fine now and things are taken care of.

About the baby registry: If you don't want to send a gift, then don't send one (personally, I'd send a card if I wanted to stay friends, but that's just me). But otherwise, the baby shower really has nothing to do with you or your friendship with her. It sounds like you're just looking for reasons to judge her unfavorably.

And I'm not sure how their income is even *remotely* related to whether they "deserve" a baby shower, so I'll assume that was just venting, too. ;-)

Honestly, it sounds like you want to have a *closer* relationship with her than you currently do--otherwise, it probably wouldn't bother you so much that she hasn't called. Maybe you should be putting in more effort to maintain the friendship, rather than finding reasons to stay angry. But that's just my opinion, and I could be way off.

If you decide the friendship is worth it and want to put the effort in to maintain it, then do so, but for the sake of the friendship and your own sanity, stop keeping score! If you decide that the friendship is not really worth it, then stop putting in the effort and just let it go.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.
--A.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with you. I don't think you should have a registry for baby #2. I just dealt with this same issue with my 20 yr old SIL. She is having baby #2 with daddy #2. I couldn't believe it when she told me she was having another shower!! She has everything she needs (it is another girl)! She even registered for a new high chair, stroller, crib, etc! Anyways, I do think it is tacky to ask people for more gifts when you should be set with gear. As far as her not calling you, I would be upset too. I'd say move on, my friend! Again, I have a similar experience with a "friend". It has been 5 years since SHE parted ways and it STILL bugs the tar out of me! I'm better off without her though! :o) Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Second registries and showers used to be an etiquette no-no. However, more and more lately second showers (and more) are being thrown, and it's becoming a little more accepted. Some women also do a registry because they know others might want to buy gifts even if there isn't a shower... so you might as well put together a registry so you get what you need. Also, I'm thinking about doing a registry this time around just to get the discounts later, even though I'm not having a shower (at least that I know of...I hope not). Plus, like you said, if someone else is throwing her a shower, she might not have that much control over it.

So, try to cut her some slack in that respect.

How about you just give her a call to catch up? I know you feel like she "owes" you a call after the fire, but the phone does work 2 ways. Maybe she also feels like you've grown apart, and that's why she hasn't called. Try not to get too upset about it without talking to her first.

I hope things work out.

1 mom found this helpful

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