Enforcing Rent with Older Children

When I was younger my parents told me that I needed to pay 75. a week while I was under their roof. If I couldn't pay it would get taken out somewhere else (gym membership, extra clothing money, ect) My mom sat with me saw how much I made divided it up for my savings, bills, rent and then spending money. She took care of most of the ckeck writing for a while until I got used to being on a budget and then I took over. It has been real simple for me even now that I am a adult.
When I was first moved into my first apartment she gave me a account that had the rent that I gave her not all of it but about 25 a week. I was so thankful and I never even knew. She said that she was putting in away just in case for a emergency a, but nowe that I was getting my own place I could have it.
As far as the driving I understand how she feels about driving. I applad her for not wanting to risk her life as well as someones elses by accident. Maybe you can look into alternate transportation for her. Maybe a friend at the gym can take her there so it is one less place for u to go.
Well I hope this helps
N.

Hello,
I would ask for gas money, that is only fair. And why doesn't she drive? I have children the ages 18 and 20 and used to cart them around also. If they were disrespectful, they did not get that ride they needed. And just so I didnt have to listen to them complain I would go get my nails done!! You enforce her paying you this way...you want a ride on payday. You pay then. YOU are the parent. Stop spoiling her, it will only make her a better adult.
And I know an 18 year old girl she must like her special shampoo, tampons, shavers, clothes! Instead of rent...have her buy all her own products. My kids did not like that when I did that, but they do it now.
Good luck!

H.,
Keep strong and strict if she does not pay. You will find it very difficult to enforce, but if you do not then she will not learn important boundaries and responsibilities.

I have a friend who heavily relied on her parents due to general anxiety disorder and OCD. When she left to go to college full time her parents did way too much for her and she never learned to be independent. She is now 25 and on disability because she "cannot" (will not) work. Although she was a dear friend of mine I am very dissapointed in her childish behavior and have had a lot of boundary issues with her (I am your friend NOT your mother...).

My parents were the different extreme. They had me start paying rent at the age of 18 even though I didn't graduate until I was 19. I also had to start giving them a percentage of my salary, pay for my own car & gas & insurance at the age of 16 when I got a job. I am now a responsible individual but am struggling to pay off college debts (college tuition & books are very expensive!). Even though I worked 60 or more hours every week while I was in college and paid as much of my tuition as I could out of pocket, I still came out with a lot of debt.

The trick is to strike a balance. From 18 to 23 young adults are maturing in a way that stays with them for the rest of their life. The college they choose, the friends they choose and the responsibilities they have shapes them. I currently plan to be strict in what I require of my children, but I also plan to reward them for responsible behavior. If they keep their grades up and behave responsibly then I would like to reward them and help them as much as I am financially able to with their education.

I hope this information is helpful to you :).

I used to pay my mother rent. She charged me $50 a month. And with being charged I still had "chores" to do. Once I started working at the age of 14 I had to pay rent. It increased every year. I didn't like it, but it taught me some responsiblity. I moved out at 18 after graduating high school and had a good FT job. She shouldn't be given the choice of whether or not to pay. Just make it known that when she's 18 this is how it's going to be. Hope this helps!

I think because she rely's on you so much, that is the way to enforce it. Being the extremely stubborn child that I was you are going to have to put your foot down and not BUDGE one tiny bit! Do not take her to a single place until she pays. My parents even changed the locks on me. It was really hard for them but they had to do it and I'm a better person today for it. I am 150% serious! Make the rule, do not budge, and what you say goes! If it comes down to it find a family friend who maybe able to take her in if it gets to that point and they insist rent. That is what happened with me and it actually brought me to my husband and the healing I needed due to my issues.

Maybe you should sit down and explain why she needs to pay rent (learning resposibility, how to handle money, etc). Also going over some of the monthy expenses with her and letting her know why you need the money might make her feel like she is helping (and don't give her the impression that is an option, she must pay!).
I was out of high school when I was 17 and started paying rent
as soon as I got a full time job. I also had to contribute to the car insurance bill and replace any gas in order for the priveledge of using my parents cars. I feel I am a more responsible adult because of this and hope I can teach my children the same.

Hi H.,
Reading your letter a couple of flags went up for me. Please don't be offend. Personally, collecting rent?? that bothered me and it would bother me more if I was your daughter being raised in your home.
More important than collecting rent is the issue of the stubbornness and the disrespectfulness. You did not mention what kind of relationship you have with your daughter.
It sounds to me like the relationship needs attention.
Also why is she in fear. The root of panic attacks is fear.
Why is she fearful. What is truly bothering her deep inside.

She needs your love,understanding and a listening ear. I am
taking into consideration her age and other issues that may be going on with her, like peer pressure, low self-esteem, etc. However she needs you Mom more than even.

Of course they is a price to pay here. You said you are a full time Mom raising 4 daughters. Wow. That is a challenge. However, you have one daughter that is screaming for your help and understanding. Though she may not be coming straight out and telling you.

What kind of relationship does she have with her dad. A young lady needs her dad's love, affection and attention or she will look for it in the wrong places.

Seriously, I would make time, find time to spend more time with her. Heal and mend whatever is going on there and remember 3 others are watching, There going to be following someone's footsteps.

Once again i hope I did not hurt or offend you in anyway. God knows that was not my intention. I'll keep you in and your family in prayer.

Hope this helps a little.

debbie

ok, my question would be, why cant she be kicked out? im sorry, but it almost seems like you want her there. she is 18, and needs to learn how to get to places on her own. there is public transportation, friends, and if it is medical issues, the state(depending where you live and your income) will pick her up and bring her back from appointments.... the only way you can help her is tough love, choices and consequences, etc. tell her you can kick her out, but you choose not too, or if you dont pay rent, we will not give you transportation to where you need to go...etc. hope this helps..

I don't think you're out of line for asking for room & board. I paid my parents weekly after I graduated too. I didn't complain, because I knew I was getting a sweeter deal than if I just moved out into an apartment. With the money I saved, I started purchasing household items for the day I did eventually move out.
She's disrespectful?! Step outside the mommy role and ask yourself if you are enabling at this point.

So she is a part-time college student, works part-time, and has several health issues that require her to get to the doctor.

It doesn't sound to me that by working 20 hours a week and being a part-time college student she is being lazy. Seems to me that schedule is probably a lot more demanding than being a full time student and not working.

I'm not saying that asking for rent is wrong, but I would be careful about how you approach it. Who is paying for college, you or her? If she is paying for college, and you ask her to pay rent on top of that, she may very well decide it makes more sense for her to drop out of school, get a full time job and live in an apartment.

Why doesn't she drive? If it's due to her health issues, I would see about getting medical transportation covered by her health insurance. If it's another reason, I would pay for a driving course, and help her to purchase a used car, which would of course leave her responsible for payments, upkeep, insurance and gas.

That right there would take a huge load off your financial burden. Add to that a small weekly stipend for the family grocery bill, and I think it's a more than fair compromise. Then you could revisit it when she is say, 20, or 21.

My grandmother made me give her 10% of whatever i made after i graduated high school and started working more hours. I figured she needed this for rent but in actuality she saved the money for me and gave it back to me when i was out on my own.

I hope this works out for you.

after school when I lived at home I did my own laundy prepared supper 3-4 nights a week and paid rent to my parents. It was expained to me in advance and wasn't an issue i guess because it was sprung on me. I lived home till I got married. (I married at 21). Just wanted to know paying rent at home is not unusual. I really don't know what to do if she doesn't pay except maybe hand her the classifieds and get her to look at appartments and help her figure out a budget for her own place, then maybe she will see paying at home is better than rent,phone,electric,heat,food,clothes and so on.

When I was younger, my parents made me pay $50 a week which was not difficult to pay even though I only worked part time and paid for my car and car insurance, etc. They explained to me what it was being used for ie: electricity for the tv that I left on all night and groceries for the things "I just had to have", etc.

Its like everything else with teenagers - you have to nag to get it done. Maybe explain to her since she will not be in school she needs a drivers license or she will have to find alternate transportation for all those times you cant give her a ride - find reasons why you cant give her a ride. It stinks to do it but might kick her butt in gear.

Good Luck.

After my 18 yo son stopped going to community college (partway through a semester!!), we collected rent. The deal was, if he was in school full time (12 credits or more) then he did not hae to pay rent. I had to badger him every Friday (what a pain!!), but he paid the next day. Since your daughter does not drive, that means you need to drive her to the bank when she cashes her check. Stand in line with her. If there is still a problem, what can you take away? Driving her to something fun?
I think the amount you collect, really depends on her current job situation. I took the money he gave us and put it aside for future education needs or maybe a future wedding or some other unforeseen expense.
I hope this as helpful.
M.

Wow, I know what you are going through. With my boys I feel like I remind them alot but it does get paid. We do end up with it at the end of the month.

As for not being able to evict her, well, yes you can. I would sit her down for a talk about her being an adult now and how you plan to treat her as one. Rent being paid on time with minimum fuss is one of the ways you intend to show her respect as an adult. Adhering to consecquences will go a long way toward treating her as an adult.

We have told our oldest that if he doesn't pay we will disconnect his internet, after all he is an adult and we don't have to provide it with his rent. This seems to get his attention.

Blessings on this endeavor!

L.

Yes you can evict her. I know this sounds harsh but she is 18 and she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. I had panic attacks when I was younger and didn't drive till I was 28 years old; mine were from being in a very bad car accident when I was very young. My parents never ever drove me anywhere. I finally got my license when I moved to a city that I couldn't get around without one - no public transportation. I wish I had done that sooner because my life was so much easier when I got my license. If she is is disrespectful that is because you allow her to be. My oldest son who is now 28 had to pay rent because he was only going to school part-time. He didn't get a car till his was 19 so he rode his bike and roller skated to work (he had worked since he was 14). On rainy or cold days I would drive him; but he knew he has to be responsible for himself. When he got his car he had that added expense and always said he couldn't pay me the rent- it was only $30 a week which included everything including food. Then he started staying out late and not calling to tell me he was going to be late - so I couldn't sleep. After 6 months of this I told him he had to move out. Find a friend to live with because he was not following my rules and he was to old for me to make him do anything except move out. He did and he was a little mad at me. I helped with giving him old furniture, his bedroom set and got him some odds and ends to help him settle in with his roommate. He learned very quickly how much I had done for him his entire life and how much I did to help him settle in to his new home. He got a full time job; started going to school at night. He did have to move home a couple of times over the next years but only for short periods of time when he lost his roommate. But he knew that if he didn't follow my rules it was out the door again. My son is now 28 married and owns his own business - he is very successful. I truly believe that being tough on him when he was younger helped him out later in life. Believe me it was very hard to tell him to leave;but it was the best thing for our relationship as I was starting to resent him and our relationship was starting to be based on anger and not love. You still have 3 other girls to raise and they will learn from their sisters example. My younger son 15 will be able to start driving on June 9th (yes he told me that) and he knows if he wants to drive my car it a required that he have a B average or better and he has to pay for his own insurance. Good luck you have a tough road ahead of you. But tough love does work and it works well.... even though it is hard. Your daughter is very lucky she has you for a mom -