End of Playdate Chaos

I have a friend who had the awesome idea to offer a small 'parting gift' at the end of playdates (a sucker or sticker or something) that can only be opened once the departing child is home. Works like a charm! The other thing I occasionally have to do, when it comes to park playdates or other outings is the basic 'if you leave nicely we can come again another day, otherwise next time I will say no.' I do have to follow through on this one about once a year and make my kids miss a playdate or park outing or something, and it helps them remember for quite a while.

I think it is VERY important to do the countdown. When I babysit I tell the children we are leaving in 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes and then I tell them o.k. time is up say goodbye and get your coats. It has worked with kids of MANY different temperments. I dont like offering rewards for behavior that is simply expected of them but I would give a treat for exceptional listening or behavior.

OK, this is a 2008 post, but many people still read it. Since 2008, there has been a lot of technological advances, and when it comes to kids, I know it is controversial, but there's been the introduction of the iPhone. When I want to leave a play date, I tell my 3-year-old (started when she was around 2) that she gets to play with my iPhone when we leave. I give a 10-minute warning, then 5, then 2, then 10 seconds and say she'll get to play with my iPhone. She comes willingly most of the time, except when there are a lot of other kids who are still out, then she will often want to stay out, so I say "OK then, no iPhone and no iPad today". I give her the iPhone or iPad for 20-30 minutes while I prepare dinner when we arrive home. I remember when we were kids, we'd watch TV during dinner prep time, but my kid prefers the iPad. So if we're outside and she resists coming back after all the 10/5/2 minute warnings and the offer of the iPhone on the way back in addition to the 20-30 minutes at home, then she gets nothing. There may be a bit of a tantrum then, but it's really not frequent because she remembers how she really did not get the iPhone nor iPad the last time she did that; it's important not to give in, otherwise the iPhone/iPad time as a treat won't be as effective.

Does he pitch fits like that about other stuff and get away with it? a 5 year old shouldn't be allowed to behave like that if they don't get their way. I would start by establishing what is expected and then discipline if he acts out like that. You will probably have to be consistent, because he's been accustom to acting out and getting away with it already. Draw the line and don't let him cross it with out consequences.

I always have to set an alarm either on my cell phone on from the stove. I'll tell my son that he has so much time and that we will leave when the alarm goes off. This almost always helps my son leave when we need to get going. Hope this helps;-)

The advice you've received is spot on. I suspect that by now your son and the other kids also throw these fits out of habit, so it may take something additional to break the habit.

First I would make it crystal clear what acceptable leaving behavior looks like and what unacceptable leaving behavior looks like (a T chart works great). In fact, you could begin the playdate by making the chart together, with the other friend and parent. Make it fun! Let the kids make lots of suggestions and be silly and dramatic in a fun way. Next, you could let the kids know that there will be 2-3 practice goodbyes. Announce after 15 minutes, "Okay, we're going to pretend to leave! Show me what a naughty goodbye looks like!" Let the ham it up, but keep it short. Then do again, immediately, this time showing what kids look like who have good manners when it's time to go. Repeat the whole process 30-45 minutes later.

Another option is to have them play-act it with stuffed animals. Kids really get into that and it takes the spotlight off of themselves, which seems to help.

I would include in your T chart what the consequences are for kids who have good manners when it's time to go: they get to continue to have regular playdates. Kids who do not show good manners? Perhaps the next playdate is only 15 minutes (I know- a tough one because the playdate is often a much needed break for the parent!). As behavior improves, so does the length of the playdate.

Good luck! One final suggestion: my daughter responds beautifully to reverse psychology. When it's time to begin the goodbye process, I whine to her, "Please throw a big fit! Please please please! Throw some toys and stomp your feet! Pleeease!" She vehemently says she won't, at which point I pretend to cry dramatically. It sends the kids into hysterical laughter and seems to work. How textbook psychology can you get? : )

J.

Hi, C.!

My name is M. and I am a "nana" of six, having raised my five children. My kids are 27, 25, 24, 22, and 21.

The way that I dealt with the issue of leaving when the kids wanted to stay was as follows: I always started by giving them a ten minute warning. I would call them over and tell them, "We have to go in about ten minutes, so go and do all the things you want before we leave." I would repeat the process at five minutes and two minutes. Then I would call them over when it was time to go and tell them to go do their most favorite thing one last time, and that then we had to go. It was a HUGE help, I think just because they knew what to expect. I think a lot of the tantrums I saw on the playground were created by a mom just saying, "Let's go" when the kids didn't have time to adjust to the idea.

I'm way oversimplifying, I'm sure. There were definitely times when they still cried when we left places, but I saw a huge improvement when I started doing this. I tried to make it very positive - not like warning them, but just saying, "I want you to get to do what you love to do, so hurry and do it before we have to go!" That way it wasn't adversarial, but like I was on their side!

Hope this helps. I'd love to hear how it goes if you try it.

Best wishes,
M.

I too had that problem. I would get so frustrated, that it made me not want to schedule play dates. Lately, I have been using some transitional time techniques, which seems to be working. I try to stay very calm and say "Okay we have 15 more minutes." Them I continue the count down every 5 minutes until we get to the remaining 5 minutes. When I begin to put my shoes and coat on and begin gathering up my things. I try to get my sons attention with a smile on my face (which is hard sometimes because I am anticipating a power struggle), I tell my son that our playtime is up and I am headed to the car and try not to say much more. I begin walking to the car and try to, in ear shot of my child, say to the other mom okay we will play again on ____. So that he knows there will be more play time later. And then I open the door and get down to his eye level, look at my child (with a smile) and say car. Now this was the hardest part, don't engage in talking it out any more. Just keep your smile on, keep positive eye contact and occasionally I have given loving touch on the arm/elbow as it to shuttle them off to the car. I have done this the last three times and been remarkably calm and we have pretty much eliminated that struggle. Hope that this helps in some way, because I truly understand the frustration. JL

End each playdate by sitting down with a calendar and let the kids help pick which day to plan the next play date and maybe one fun thing they are going to do on that day. Even if it is a month out, the kids will still leave the playdate anticipating the next one. It turns the "good bye" into "see you next time". If you don't want to plan another play date, then help them plan something for the next day that they will see eachother at school. Maybe they will plan to both bring the same things for lunch, or that they will both wear a red shirt, or that they are each going to bring a treat in their lunch to exchange.

You could also take the disciplined aproach and give them 15, 10, and 5 minute warnings that the play date is coming to an end. Calmly remind them that if they cannot cooperate and say good bye nicely, then they will not be allowed to have any more play dates until they are old enough to handle them properly. Try again in a week or two, and tell them that you think they have grown up a lot in the last couple weeks, and you think they can handle it now. Basically, they are acting this way because they are sad, and their actions are like dominos. If you allow one action (whining), then it will lead to another (begging), and another (hanging) until you stop it. Be firm and make your expectations clear.

Hi C.,

You may already be doing this, but here are my suggestions. Before you go on the play date, reinforce your expectations about how it will end (ie "when I say it is time to go then I expect you to help clean up, collect our things, say thank you and we will leave. If you choose to fuss and whine, then the consequences will be...)". Then, give your son a 10 minute warning before you intend this process to start ("Josh, we will need to start cleaning up in 10 minutes). Give another warning in 5 minutes ("Finish what you are doing because we will be cleaning up in 5 minutes"). Then follow through. The hard part in my experience is that us moms talk about going and then keep chatting and chatting, so the whole leaving becomes drawn out. If your child knows it's coming and then sees you focusing on the leaving routine (per say), they will know you mean it. If they cooperate and it goes smoothly, be sure and let them know how pleased you are. If they don't, then be sure to follow through with the consequences you told them about. As always, consistency is key. Good luck!

Mom of 2 year old and 11 year old.

Yes, we do a countdown too. When it is time to leave I always make sure all of my things are together and I have said my thank-yous and good-byes so we are ready for a speedy exit. We sometimes do a mini-race to see who can get to the car the fastest. The longer it takes to exit a playdate the harder it becomes for my 4-year-old son. I also tell him that I know it is hard to leave a friends house (or to have a friend leave) and we will have a chance to have another playdate on a different day. I have also noticed that the longer the playdate the harder it is to leave. On a school day (my son goes to preschool everyday for 4 hours) I try to limit his afterschool playdates to 2 hours. I am remembering a day when he had a 4-hour playdate afterschool and when it was time to leave he was so tired; things went down-hill fast. I will also sometimes have a snack in the car and will say, ok let's say goodbye and go munch on my stash of cheddar bunnies in the car. My last suggestion would be to talk to him about what is happening. And maybe outline for him exactly what to expect next time you have a playdate. He might also have some ideas about how to make it easier for himself. Hope this helps:)