Moms, please excuse me for bringing such a private topic, but besides my mother I don't have who to ask for advise. As my mother in in her mid 50s and obviously cannot remain objective, I am asking you.
My dh seldom initiates intimacy. He expects me to make the first move. Very moody, angry when I refuse him. And yes, I am working full time, take care of our son, clean the house, cook...so I am very tired in the evenings. We get intimate about 1-2 times a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. I cannot say I like anal or oral, but I started doing them because I wanted to make him happy. But lately he has become obsessed with it. Refuses normal sex and only wants one or another. I tried to talked to him, to tell him that I also need normal sex. He told me that I am to blame, I wanted it in the first place, and he now enjoys anal and oral more than sex. We use condoms, I gained a lot of weight from the pills so we are using condoms. He hates them, and uses them as an excuse to get his other "stuff".
Don't know what should I do..Don't want to get pregnant again. I got pregnant with my son, after one, single unprotected contact lol.
So or condoms or pills.
What really worries me is that he becomes really insistent with getting what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants it. I lost almost all the joy and satisfaction. I am lucky because I don't need a lot of foreplay. He only needs to be tender which obviously he isn't. Even after a fight he wants it, can you imagine? And if I refuse him he gets angry....angry like not talking with me for days or yelling, picking up fights until I initiate intimacy with him ( and believe me sex is the last thing I want after being neglected, screamed at, but I do it because I want to have peace in our home.)
What do you think?
Thank you!!!
Ps please excuse my spelling errors, as you probably have noticed, English is not my mother language..
M., your husband gives me the creeps.
I read a quote that made me think of you, I don't know who said it.
"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves just by standing up."
You are better than this. You MUST be better than this, you're a MOTHER now.
:(
Let's get to the real issues. Your husband is a narcissistic, control freak gambling addict, who has anger issues, and thinks you are just some holes to stick his junk in.
That's no way to live a life, M.. You are his s** t** and verbal punching bag. Do you really think you deserve so little?
oh, sweetie. this just makes me so, so sad. the problem isn't what he wants, it's how he treats you overall.
you deserve SO much better than this.
this is not normal or typical or how it ought to be. it's definitely not the model of what your kids should experience (they don't see the sex, but they definitely participate in the anger, blame and utter dismissal of their mother.)
i suggest you rethink what you're willing to put up with, and how you're going to allow yourself to be treated.
this is not okay.
:( khairete
S.
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
Call them.
Sweetie, first of all, your spelling is fine and I never would have guessed that you're not a native English speaker. That's the kind of thing that I notice so if I didn't notice it, your writing is just fine. No need to apologize for that.
There is a lot that is off in this aspect of your relationship. While I wouldn't necessarily call his behavior abusive, it is certainly manipulative and controlling and is not loving and nurturing, the way our most intimate relationship should be. Sex, especially between a husband and wife, should be something where partners connect and make each other feel great. Where you can be your truest self and connect in a way that you don't connect with anyone else. It breaks my heart to read that he is misusing what should be wonderful and fun an affirming and turning it into something that objectifies you and become all about you being an outlet for his pleasure while he is doing nothing to make you feel loved and cherished. That's just wrong. I would feel terribly hurt and used if I were in your position, and the last thing I would do is initiate any kind of intimacy under those conditions. You should initiate sex because you want it, not because you fear his mood if you don't initiate often enough. And of course he should make you feel wanted and desired too.
Honestly if I were you, I would do a couple of things immediately. First, schedule an appointment with your OB-GYN to talk about other options for reliable birth control. The Mirena IUD contains a tiny fraction of the amount of hormone in the pill and it can be a great choice for some women. The copper IUD has no hormones in it at all. There are other formulations of the pill that might not have the side effects that you don't desire. Or if you and your husband don't want more children, ever, he can have a vasectomy. If you address this issue so that you don't have to use condoms, you've eliminated one of the "reasons" that he prefers non-vaginal sex.
Second, I would schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor. If he won't go, then you go alone. You need to talk to someone so that you don't stay in a position where your husband continues to manipulate and control you. You need to see if he can change his ways and see that his behavior is wrong. You need to understand why you allow him to treat you this way. If he doesn't see anything wrong with this, then you really are better off alone. From what you write, it doesn't sound as if he cherishes you and respects you the way a husband should. It doesn't seem that he treats you as an equal partner and someone he wants to please. He sounds selfish, controlling and manipulative. You deserve better than to be treated that way, you really do.
Best wishes to you.
It's time to either get help, or leave. I feel concerned about your safety.
Based on your description of him, I doubt he'd go to counseling. What you have does not sound like a marriage or a partnership, it sounds like a one way street, his street. You deserve more.
First of all, if you don't want to get pregnant get an IUD. No hormones, no side effects, you can't even tell it's there. And it's very effective.
Second, no one, woman or man, should feel forced to do anything sexually they are not comfortable with. If he refuses to accept your boundaries then offer to set up an appointment with a couples counselor, so you can work through this issue together. If he refuses, show him the door. A marriage without love and respect is not a marriage at all.
Regardless of having a child with him, I think you should leave this man. It sounds like you aren't using a condom during anal sex. What's going to happen if he steps out on you? You might not get pregnant, but you could get an STD.
If you keep giving in to this sexual bullying, he will ratchet it up. I cannot for the life of me imagine going through this for the rest of your life. I would rather NOT have peace in my home than allow someone to do this to me.
That's what I think. I don't know if it helps you, but I have no other answer because I would NOT live like this.
Call a domestic violence shelter or hotline and get advice. Open your own bank account start putting your paychecks in that account only, when you have enough money leave.
This man is an abuser and it's not going to get any better.
Serious marriage counseling. Yesterday.
He has anger issues, control issues, and a gambling problem. You are passively hoping this will all go away if you give in and are not asserting your needs. Sorry to be blunt.
"Screamed at"??? Get to a counselor or get out.
You are being abused by your husband - emotionally and physically. This is not normal. You both need counseling, and you need to start by talking to your Gynecologist and tell her what is going on. You need to protect yourself in some way from an unplanned pregnancy with this man. He is not treating you with respect, which he should. You are his wife, not a sex slave. Please, please please reach out for some counseling for yourself and then for your husband. He needs a reality check.
This is starting to sound abusive and a lot like irreconcilable differences.
You don't want to get pregnant again - ever?
If you're done having kids, he can get a vasectomy and/or you can have your tubes tied - then you'll have little fear of pregnancy from vaginal sex.
If you're not done having kids, maybe you could try an IUD.
Talk to your ob/gyn about birth control options.
There are a lot more choices than there use to be.
If Hubby won't help with house work, hire a maid to come in every week or maybe every other week to help take some of the housework off your back.
It also sounds like your marriage could use some marriage counseling and Hubby could really really use some anger management.
It's not right that you are always appeasing and he is always angry and it's always your fault.
If it's impossible for him to be happy, nothing you do will change anything, and then the only thing left to do is to make yourself happy.
Some of this is his fault too and he needs to be on board with working toward a solution because if he's not I don't see how you can go on living with him and raising your child under these conditions.
Sometimes being alone is better than wishing you were.
I urge you to one get help. I also discourage you from being uncomfortable with making a support system of friends and family. Don't get isolated in that house and situation alone. I also would recommend that you either go on the pill, or get an IUD or the shot or some form of birth control. That is your body and it yours to control. Having another baby in this situation will not help any. It will only serve to make you feel more trapped in it. You can get the Mirana put in for five years and it has no hormones. It takes about two minutes to put in.
Isolation is something you want to avoid. It is important to become a part of something outside of your relationship. Don't let him push away your friends and family.
I want to imagine something. Imagine your child being in this situation.What advice would you give them? Now I want you to give yourself that same advice. You health and well being is important to your child. Also, you are showing your child that is okay to be in a demeaning and unhealthy relationship.
I really sucks that you cannot say anything to your husband without him getting angry. I would tell him to f-off as long as he would not hurt you. Otherwise, when he is at work grab your stuff/kids and go to a women's shelter. No one deserve to be treated the way you are being treated.
Oh my goodness, how awful for you. This is not normal or okay at all- what you describe is abusive.
You need to really do some soul searching and gather all of your strength. Please get some counseling or meet with a pastor, you will need a lot of support. I would not tell anyone to leave their marriage, only you know if that is right for you. But I will tell you that you need to really look at what is going on and decide if this is what you want your son to see. If nothing else, you must be strong for him now.
Good luck, I hope you are able to find the strength to make this better.
Please find a counselor.
If he won't go--go yourself.
Good luck!
His behavior towards you is super unhealthy and not ok. I applaud you for being, as Dan Savage would say, GGG (good, giving, and game), but he's NOT doing the same for you which makes this an unbalanced relationship. I understand your desire to keep the peace, but you're doing yourself a disservice. I don't think I would put up with it.
Get some counseling and try an IUD.
I think your husband is wrong. He doesn't take care of your needs, wants or feelings, but then gets angry at you for not satisfying his demands. I have no experience with a relationship like that, so I can't really help. If he won't think about you or how you feel, I don't know how you can make things better. But I don't think you are wrong to want more than he is giving you.
