Elderly Grandpa & Bad Attitude

Your grandfather could be suffering from the beginning stages of dementia/Alzheimers. Often this manifests as general nastiness, inappropriate comments, etc.

It IS his house. True, he must be "safe" and "cared for" but he might resent everyone trying to change everything. I probably would too.

4 moms found this helpful

If you're that unhappy with the situation, move out. You said you moved in to help him, but I would assume that your Mom could do that. Does he really need your Mom, you, your husband, and your son all there for help?

You are, after all, living in HIS house. If someone tried to move into my house and change everything I'd be pissed too.

He's a crochety old man. It happens. Give him some space, he's lived his life, he deserves at least that. I tend to think that elderly people can pretty much do whatever they want because they've earned it, lol. I mean, be realistic, if he's 84, he's certainly not going to change just because you want him to.

If he's disrespecting you then maybe you should just move out.

4 moms found this helpful

My Dad went through a serious personality change with the oncome of Alzheimers. He is getting seriously grumpy, angry abusive.... Dementia can cause personality changes, as well as depression or other health issues.
He could still be grieving his spouse and this new life he has been forced into.
Some of these changes may be tied in with memories he had with your grandmother. The more things change, the more he loses of his past.
He may not want to feel indebted to the changes you want to make on HIS house. Doesn't matter that you want to pay for it - that is a lot of money and work.
Did he want you to move in? Could not he have received outside help like meals on wheels, housekeeper, home health care?
I am slowly losing function and now in a wheelchair. (and BTW that makes me very grumpy at times) I have someone hired to clean my house, against my mom's wishes that she wanted to do it. I don't like having to be cared for. It is a true loss of self. By having someone that is not family I feel I have more control. All decisions are mine.
My dad will turn off his hearing aides to get away from excess noise of grandchildren at dinners. Hearing aides can make "play noise" very uncomfortable for wearers.
More than likely, Grandma did all the remembering of birthdays and such. Usually such chores fall upon the wife. Do I understand that if he forgets your birthday, which is not real surprising just with his advanced age, you choose to ignore his? I find that very disrespectful and selfish.
I never cared if my grandfather, (or now my dad), forgot my birthday and I have never failed to remember his. I loved him and didn't want anything from him but a little more time with him before he was gone. I wanted to hear the stories of his youth just one more time, discuss the happenings of the day, and just enjoy his company.
Your grandfather was probable living a very quiet serene life with your grandmother. Then his life was turned upside down and he has to adjust to a full house and mulyi-generations. I wouldn't want that and I am a new empty nester!
Some people are natural caretakers. You are not. I checked your profile to see your age. You are in an unhappy marriage, with an "entergetic" son who seems to be more than you can handle at times. You have your own self esteem issues. Please take your family and move on. Grandpa deserves a little peace and quiet at this stage in his life and he has the right to be as grumpy as he wants in his house.

2 moms found this helpful

As others noted -- Personality change in the elderly can easily be a sign of early dementia/Alzheimers; it can also indicate depression or even just hearing loss -- some older people get very angry and defensive because they just can't hear what you're saying. Please take him in for a fulll checkup and before you do, see the doctor separately, without granddad there, and tell the doctor your're concerned.

If grandad has not always been this grumpy and self-centered, then there is a change to his personality, and that signals a possible mental or emotional problem.

Dementia or deafness or depression aside, he may be angry and resentful at having other people care for him. Older people who were always able to cope on their own can be very angry at the change in their lives that makes them dependent on others. His anger may be with his own circumstances and weaknesses, not really with you, but he may view you and your family as interlopers in his home and as telling him "You're no longer capable." I know you haven't used those words, I know you're there to help and not interfere, but try to put your own feelings to the side and look at how he might view things after decades of being able to cope and thrive on his own.

If you meet that with your own anger, he will not get the help he needs and you will miss out on what could be the last years you may have to know him. (Again, assuming he once was an OK guy and this is all at least something of a change, or an exaggeration of what previously were unpleasant but better controlled traits.)

See a counselor or therapist who specializes in geriatric patients. Again, see this person first without granddad and then see if you can get grandad to go.

Also, does he have interests he no longer pursues? Did he once go to card games or golfing or church or volunteering or anything, and no longer goes, or says all his old buddies are dead or moved away? He may be bored and lonely for company from his contemporaries. See if you can get him to some kind of activity that would appeal to him. He may grumble but could end up shedding some of his anger if he has an interesting place to be that's not his home.

As for his home -- again, try to put your own anger aside and see things his way, even if you disagree with him. He lived there with his wife, and he misses her, and this was their space together. Now he has his daughter, granddaughter, grandson-in-law and a small child living there -- instant large family, all at once, with no chance for him to get used to having them in his space. I'm not judging here -- I'm just saying, see it from his perspective. Does he have places in the house where he can go to be alone? Does he have times when he can do as he pleases with no one around supervising, or at least with another person out of the room so he doesn't feel hovered over all the time?

He sees you wanting to change the home he's used to. You say, the carpet needs replacing, but he hears, "This carpet isn't good enough." You say, the siding needs replacing, but he hears, "The house that was good enough for you and your wife who's gone isn't good enough for us." Of course that is not what you mean, but that may be what he thinks your motives are. Is he wrong? Yes, but it's up to you to set it right. You can start by picking your battles -- I'd work on his anger and resentment before worrying further about the carpet and the siding. He is from a generation that did not articulate its feelings much -- especially not men. So he's not going to sit down and say, "I feel you are intruding, I feel you are telling me things aren't good enough, when you say X I feel Y...." You have to read that behind the lines.

Finally, think about whether he would do better and be happier if he lived in his home but had daily help coming in, and you moved out. It's not clear to me if he needs actual nursing help, but if not, there are services that provide people who "look in" on the elderly. If he needs someone there at night, there are services that provide people who spend the night. It costs but might be better than your family living with this tension.

If he is really in need of medical attention and a lot of oversight (as in, he should not be using a stove, he might forget a cigar is lit, he is very unsteady on his feet etc.), then he may need to move to an assisted living home. But if that is the case, be prepared for his anger and resentment to be greatly increased, because he may see the very suggestion as "Now you're trying to take my home from me." Again, not your intent, but that's how HE might see it. If you can hear that and not explode you've made progress.

2 moms found this helpful

My grandpa is 86 and he is EXACTLY the same way. The only saving grace is our family got him an apartment in an "old folks" apartment complex. They have weekly coffee socials, a bus that takes them on outings or to run errands, etc. The apartments are managed by a really really nice man who our family all gets along great with. There is NO WAY any of us could handle living with him long term - my grandpa is just terrible. That said we have wonderful visits and he has lots of friends there and now has a social life.

No one should judge you or think you are being harsh. I KNOW first hand how hard someone like this is. No one wants to live with someone who is awful and mean and so hard. It's not that your (or my) grandpa are bad people...they just are not getting older with grace and yes, their personality has changed drastically. They are truly impossible to deal with and can be VERY mean. My grandpa has alienated almost all other family members bc he can be so mean. Anyway, good luck with this. I really think you should consider having him move into an assisted living apartment. It has been a great thing for my grandpa and for the rest of the family.

2 moms found this helpful

If you want to maintain a positive relationship with him, I would move out. It's his home and he's entitled to have things the way he wants them, so you're never going to win the battles, no matter how valid your concerns are.

If your mom can't handle him alone, look into home healthcare and housekeeping services. If he's in really bad shape, it may be time to consider assisted-living. Not all assisted-living places are dreadful. The one my grandma was at until her dementia worsened was quite nice.

2 moms found this helpful

I just wanted to tell you hang in there, it is difficult to deal with a grumpy elderly person and maintain your patience, especially if he used to have a good disposition. If possible take the advice given to your post, get him to a doctor, get yourselves to an eldercare doctor or counselor, call the Council on Aging and ask for help. You do need to keep in mind all these changes at his age are frustrating and scarey for him. He likely feels he has control over nothing. My dad had dementia and he went from being a kind, considerate, caring man to selfish, self-absorbed, and argumentative - because he was afraid. You and the rest of your family are doing him a great service by taking care of him. Stay strong and good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Has he always been crabby etc? That would factor into my decision for what to do going forward. I'm not in the camp of "oh, he/she is old and has to now be treated nicely no matter how they lived their life." If he was really nice etc before, I'd say he probably is starting to suffer from dementia or some form and I'd take that into account. But if he's always been really tough, I'd move out and tell him to get a home aid worker or sell the house and move into assisted living. I would try to not let guilt make me turn my life upside down and unpleasant. If he's not failing physically, he could live another 5-10 years and this is no way for you and your family to live. How can your husband stand it? It seems like you had good intentions but it's not going to work out this way.

2 moms found this helpful

You have to allow grief to manifest itself. However it does, whether being cranky or what. Your granddad needs to grieve. I did go through something similar with my dad at the end of '03. I live an hour away, and we still collected him and my mom to go to my sister's wedding. At the reception he was getting antsy and rude and wanting to leave and making a spectacle of himself. I told my mom that if he was going to be rude like that at Christmas, I would not be showing up.
But if there are health issues, the unseen kind, that could be part of the problem. Has he been evaluated, maybe,by a geriatric specialist? Might be worth it, just in case it isn't something more serious. Painting the house might be a problem because he recognizes his own house as it is. The carpeting...if he's having problems (hygienic) then it might be wiser to just maintain what's there with cleaning and vacuuming.
And lastly, maybe he was like this on a regular basis. I know my dad could be cantankerous and he and my mom could be like cat and dog. It hurts, yes, but at this age understanding is needed big time.
Hope it gets better. Just love him.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I have been where you are at with your grandpa except I took care of both my dad and mom, so I know what you are going through. I did not see this mentioned in any other posts: is your grandpa on any medications? Some medications create side effects like agitation OR he may need to be on some meds. My mother who is 84 and living in an assisted living facility was very crabby and easily agitated. I tried caring for her at one time, but I couldn't do it. She has dementia. She's been on antidepressants for about 3 years now and she is much happier and more agreeable. About 2 years ago, I placed her at American House--and she loves it. She has many friends, activities, and great care. My mother was the type of personality that I didn't think would like assisted living, but it was the best thing for her (she said so herself). I think that you are in for a long, stressful haul if you continue to live with grandpa. For your own sanity and the health of your family, I encourage you to contact the Area Agency on Aging at ###-###-#### or ###-###-#### to see if they can give you some information or assistance.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time with grandpa. You may have been better served by getting him some help through the week or just checking in on him several times a week or at least once a week instead of living with him. He is 84 years old and set in his ways. That is his house so you should really be asking permission to make changes instead of just assuming he will want the changes you are trying to incorporate to the home.

The way to live your life without so much negativity is to work on your thoughts processes. Imagine you have lived in your home and now these young people have invaded your space and want to do things to your home you don't want and don't appreciate. Perhaps there are loads of memories and attachments to the things in his home. Some how you need to find a happy medium or be prepared to move out and have someone else take care of him.

Men of his generation are very proud. Perhaps he put alot of hours and work into his home and doesn't want your charity. To him your "help" is charity. He may just be a very proud man and now the people you know won't let you just live your days out in peace.

To get rid of the smell, open the windows and Febreeze like crazy. Vacume, dust and get some plugs ins or try scented candles which need monitoring.

Not everyone ages with grace and dignity but try to make the most of it and try to make his last days pleasant inspite of how he may be treating you.

1 mom found this helpful

Caring for an elderly relative can be tough. I should know.
Before you lose all respect for him, has his doctor evaluated him?
He may be showing signs of dementia or alzheimer's.
My father in law was a pretty great guy, but his mind really started going, sadly, at a fairly early age. He became very grumpy, especially to his wife. He would yell at her and when she was talking, he would turn the TV up as high as it would go to drown her out.
He was a stickler about getting his regular hair cuts, but he began to refuse to shower.
By the time my mother in law passed away, he required 24 hour care because he would try to sneak off or want to build a fire when it was 110 outside. And he would get mad if we tried to explain it was too hot for a fire in the house.
He adored the kids. They were the only things he had endless patience for. He had his good days and his bad days. But his bad days were pretty rough. It's no consolation, but it is easier to get through things when you know that they really can't help it. If that's the case.
They do have medications that can help with these things and I don't mean doping grandpa up so he can't function. Many elderly people need something for anxiety. My grandmother who was the sweetest woman in the world had to take anxiety medication because she worried herself almost sick over the slightest thing. She lived to be 94 and lived at home alone until she passed away.
I would run some of these things past your grandpa's doctor. He might be able to help. Many areas have senior centers where you can have elderly people involved in playing cards, having lunch together, different activities.
It's called respite care.
It's in place to help keep families from getting burned out.
He might be happier if he could get out a little more and socialize on his own terms.
Just a suggestion.

Hang in there. I know it's tough. I don't regret the time we had Grandpa with us. He passed away at 84 when my son was very little but because of all the photos and videos we have, he does have memories of him. And he doesn't remember any of the bad days.

Best wishes.

****I also want to add that often elderly people do not like feeling as though their freedoms and decisions are being taken away.
My father in law couldn't remember why he started heading down the hallway (to the bathroom), but he sure as heck thought he needed the keys to a car so he could drive himself somewhere. He had moments of lucidity, but then he'd be searching for his hat....which was on his head.
Even still, he saw himself as a grown man, a decorated veteran, someone who had been very much the head of the family and now there was a lock on the wood stove. Now there was a safe he couldn't get into that had the car keys. Now there was somebody telling him he had to take pills with this meal or that. Now there was someone standing there to help him wash his hair in the shower. There were days he was very aware he'd lost control of his life.
I do know what you mean about feeling hurt sometimes. I adored my mother in law and was devastated when she passed away.
He behaved as though he didn't even notice. They had been marred for 50 years and he never mentioned her ever again. Nothing. Zero. Nada.
Like I said, I think you should get him evaluated and a good physical.

1 mom found this helpful

Did he ok all of you moving in? The reason I ask is that we have lots of elderly relatives who continue to live in their own homes, but the main caregiver goes over each day to help them and or have hired helpers actually live there. It can be very stressful for so many independent adults to live together.

Your grandfather sounds depressed. this is not unusual. Depression can show up as being angry and frustrated, not a weepy mess.. He may not be able ot control part of this behavior it is a chemical imbalance. Speak with his physician about the attitude. They can adjust his meds or add meds to help him deal with it..

The old man smell can be from him not bathing himself as well as he used to.. They become stiff and it is difficult to reach all of the places not close to their hands. He may need a long handled scrubber. I also discovered that smell in my husbands grandfathers closet.. It was a group of clothes that had not been washed in who knows how long. Go through his dress of drawers when he is out and about and see if there are undershirts and things in there, that also need a good washing. His favorite chair? may need a good cleaning and some febreeze.

My husbands grandfather lived to be 103. He was still really physically active until about 98. I feel like it helped his attitude a lot being able to be outside, working on his own projects and being around more people. There were many times, he said he enjoyed, just having some quiet and alone time.

We honored this, we called before we went over. Maybe GD needs some privacy? See if you all can work that out. Maybe agree to let him come out of his room for meals when he wants. Let him know when you are all going to eat, but maybe he wants to eat earlier or later, maybe even by himself. Let him know a plate will be in the fridge, if he does not eat with all of you, Maybe make plans to go somewhere and leave him alone multiple times a week or once a day.

Get him a calendar with ALL of the celebrations. Could be he is not used to keeping up with all of them.

Hearing aides can really be a pain in the butt. They squeal and shriek with high toned voices (women, children, tv) and sounds. As he looses weight they may not fit as well. And if he cannot see as well and has fine motor skill problems they are hard to adjust.

Changes really are hard on older people. Once again this is not unusual.
Wanting to fix up his house, takes negotiation and the understanding that he does not like change. Change in everything going on, is the one thing he can control. It is frightening, confusing, and can cause all sorts of stress. Maybe change everything but his room and another room that he likes to spend time in.

If you all are willing to pay for the changes yourselves.. Tell him you are fixing up the house "as a gift to him". And then do it.. FYI, Our homeowners insurance does a review of our home and if it needs to be painted, they will say it needs to be done by a certain date or they will not renew the coverage . I wonder about the same for siding. Keep all of the receipts so that you can be reimbursed through his trust.

I know you are all there so you can help him, but a grown man who has not had to have his children live with him in decades, is going to have problems adjusting to a group of people moving into his home even if they are family. Some people kind of look forward to the alone time. Make sure you all try to keep an open dialogue about what he wants. Keeping his safety and health as the main goal.

I am sending you all strength.

1 mom found this helpful