Easing the Change in a Little One's World

This is one of the hardest talks to have with kids. So many times there are hard feelings attached to break ups and it is hard to be objective and not put your own feelings into it. But the best answer is stay to the facts.....

Dad and I weren't a good fit. Sometimes that happens. It is sad but it is what it is. Our feelings towards each other have nothing to do with you, we both love you and you are the best thing to have come out of our union. All kids of divorce wish their moms and dads would get back together but it is not realistic and won't ever be happening with dad and I. Dad is getting remarried and I really hope that this time he finds the partner in life. Do your best to be kind to your new stepmother. Hopefully in time you will develop a good relationship with her too. Dad and I love you and that is what is really important.

As for your "right" to know the new wife? Unfortunately you don't have any choice as to what kind of woman he picks and whether she is in your child's life or not...unless she has a criminal record but that will mean a long, drawn out battle in court. I suggest you take a realllllly DEEP breath, give her a call, ask her to meet you for coffee and get to know her. If that seems too much then try to talk to her on the phone or via email. Believe me, she is just as nervous about taking on your daughter as a new step child as you are letting your daughter go. Get to know her, be willing to keep the doors of communication open. Your daughter will benefit and you might too.

As a stepmom with an angry ex-wife of 8 eight years I can tell you that you have the ability to make life hell for your ex-husband and hurt your child with that anger. I would not chose that if I were you.
I am also the ex-wife and my kids have a step mom. Instead of being angry and evil I swallowed my pride and put out my hand. Oddly enough she and I are now great friends! Since I was with her husband for 20 years I know some things that she doesn't (they have been together 5). I have encouraged her, counseled her about my children and am very happy that she is a co-parent. My children know how we feel about each other and know that they have 3 parents that love and support them.
A lot of it is choice....yours. Your daughter lost her bio family but she has the opportunity to have more. Help her through it.

What happened between you and Daddy is between you and Daddy. It just didn't work out. No blame, just didn't work. She will find out when she is older, but now she is still to young to understand.
I too would extend a friendly hand to the new stepmom, and just be honest with her. She will be spending time with your child and it will go so much better for everyone if the two of you can communicate and work together.

Dear M.G.,

This is a tough situation, and I feel for you. I am also a single mom, and it's not easy to sail through the waters of friendship with my son's father and figure out how to do what is best. Also, as an early childhood educator, I get frequent questions from children in my school about marriage/partnership/etc. So, speaking from my experience, I would say that there are a few things you might want to keep in mind:

1. Not sure of your daughter's exact age, but preschoolers/kindergartners are aware of family structure and dynamics, and crave a sense of regularity, safety, and being "normal." One child in my class talks about her father coming to pick her up at school, but in reality, he has not seen her since she was a baby. When I mention a mother in a story I tell to the children, they will inevitably ask about the father, if he is not in the story.

I think Amalthea A gave some really good advice, and being honest is good, but I would add that because children crave love and knowing they are loved, I would emphasize to your child that she is loved by both mommy and daddy, and even if you don't live together anymore, you will both always love her so much. It's in the best interests of your child to try to maintain an amicable relationship with your ex, but if that is not possible (which is completely understandable in some situations), then it is still important not to bash your ex in front of your child, because she feels like she is a part of this person (which she is). One little girl asked me about this issue so much, and I later found out her parents were going through a painful divorce. I told her every time she asked, that a mommy and daddy can love each other very much, and that is why they have their baby together. But sometimes they fight too much, and so they need to be apart, and that sometimes people can love each other very much, but that does not mean they should stay married. She seemed to like this explanation, and when her parents finalized their divorce, she told me all about it and how she liked having two houses, her dad's house and her mom's house.

2. This is, indeed, a big change for your daughter, and I am not sure how much time she spends with her father, but you absolutely have a right, and a responsibility, to know about his new wife-to-be. If your daughter will spend a significant amount of time with them, you need to trust that she will have your daughter's best interests at heart.

3. I would talk to your ex to let him know some of your daughter's feelings, and to try to work with him on a plan to help your daughter get through this time, so that she feels secure in both the love of her mom and her dad. And, if he wants no part in this, then just be the strongest and best mommy you can be to your daughter, who does look to you for answers, and for the best example of how to be a strong woman, too. Don't lose heart - I imagine it can be a difficult time for both you and your daughter. Just be there for her, be honest with her (you can even say you wish things were different, too) and create wonderful memories, so she will know that life is good, just the two of you.

best,

Nessa

I am like your daughter. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my dad remarried a few years later. Whatever you do please don't give any details or back hand remarks. All you have to say is sometimes daddies and mommies don't live together, but we still love you. Trust me when she is older she will figure it out for herself. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to have an amicable relationship with her father, NO fighting in front of her or asking her to get the child support from her dad. Yes, her father is responsible for all his choices but don't put that burden on your daughter, if he is a good father to her that is all that matters right now. I was forced to grow up too soon by my divorced, fighting parents.

You should def. get to know the woman that will be her stepmom. The more comfortable you are with her the more comfortable she will be with her. It will be hard but your daughter will thank you in the end.

I am now 30 and finally my parents are ok in the room together. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to have that, just wish it had been sooner. Best of luck to you!

What you can tell your daughter is that she is lucky because now she will have a step mom who is just another parent to love her and take care of her. You should definitely meet the fiance and, if possible, have a cordial relationship with her that your daughter sees. It will be very important for her to know that you two know each other and like each other (hopefully) so that she doesn't have to feel torn between you or like she is being disloyal to you if she likes the fiance.

I strongly believe you have the right to know what kind of woman your ex is going to marry. You have the right to ask questions of the woman your ex is going to marry. Since this person will now be part of your child's life, you have a right to know her background to give you some idea of how she will be treating your daughter. I don't know how old your daughter is but she will probably tell you what she did on her visit to see her father. She will probably talk to you about her stepmother, wheather or not she likes her depending on how she treats your child. As a responsible parent, you have a right to know if she has a criminal record, if she has kids of her own, if she likes children, if she has a drinking or drug problem, if she has an emotional problem,etc. You certainly have a right to know all these facts because they will affect the way she treats your children and they will affect how your children will react to her.

M.G.

I am confused just a little by your post. Is your child's father a part of her life? The only way that it would be appropriate for you to say that he "left us" is if he abandoned his legal and emotional responsiblities as her father. Those things do not automatically end when the primary relationship between Mom and Dad end, not that some Dads don't do that very thing, but that you also have the ambigous statement that your daughter will "appearntly" have contact with the new spouse seems like he is not compltely astrainged.

Your custody and support order should deal with this issue, and if you do not have one, then get one. You should meet this person and know that she is an appropriate person to be invloved in your child's life, and if not, you need to speak to your lawyer about adjusting the order.

It seems to me that this would not be a "major" change for your daughter unless Dad is a major part of her life, so I would suggest that you examine the vibe you send her by saying that he "left us." He left you, and he may have treated you very badly, but if he is stepping up as a Dad and treating her right, all she needs to know is that her Dad loves her and nothing between you and him (or anybody else) can changed that. It is not candy coating to refrain from bashing him, no matter how true it is or how good it would feel to let her know all about what he did to you. It will serve you in the long run to keep your mouth shut about it while she is a kid. If he does not treat her well, then this issue will resolve all on it's own by the way she feels about him in the future, and you should see to it that the legal orders protect her and support her fully, which is your responsibility.

M.

I agree in being honest from the beginning and filling in the details as she gets older. There will be a lot of "Why's?", but you can't go wrong with honesty.

As others have said, the hardest part is going to be remaining factual and not interjecting emotion into it.

Yes, you certainly have the right to know what the new wife is like as she'll be a step mother to your daughter - I'm actually a little surprised you haven't met her yet as it's a really important thing to introduce to your daughter.

Good luck with the transition - I think it will be just as important for you as it will be for her.

As I have not been through a break up of this kind myself, I can only give you some observations I have made of my sister's children during and after her divorce.

Regardless of what went on with you and your ex, he is still her daddy. My children hate their father because my sister did not hold much back and she still says mean things about him in their presence. This is now hurting her because they are playing the ends against the middle. They also are angry at one or the other all the time and have even run away (to the others home) just to hurt the parent they are mad at.

As for your ex's new partner, I say make the best of it. My sister did not when her ex remarried. She started saying mean things about her as well and starting rumors in the family so that she could make all of us think her way.

They will not be in the same room together, even for the sake of the children. They are not courteous when speaking to or about one another. This hurts us all.

For your daughter's sake, please take the high road. She does not need to be in the middle and if he is really a jerk, she will find out on her own.

Good luck.

I was in a similar quandry. Not wanting to lie to my son but also not wanting to provide details he was not able to comprehend, I told him that we weren't together any more because "Daddy did some things that hurt you and I." That was sufficient until my son got to middle school. When he pressed for details at that time I told my son a bit more. I did not tell my son the entire story until he was nearing graduation from high school. His father had done terrible things to us but I did not want him to know the details until he was old enough and mature enough to formulate his own opinions about his father and what happened. I am glad I took this approach. Good luck.

It would probably be much better if you and her father are on friendly enough terms that you could get together with him and both of you explain the circumstances to your daughter. I think you do have a right to meet the other woman who will be in your daughter's life too. You don't mention your daughter's age, nor the amount of animosity that may be existing between you and her father. The less animosity you can manage to feel, the better it will be for your daughter. I know that isn't always easy and that it takes two, so you may not have complete control of that factor.
Thankfully, this is a situation I've never had to personally face, and am just giving you my opinion based on observation of others I'm close to going through similar situations. But, I think what I would try to do in your shoes is to contact her father, explain your concerns to him and see if the two of you can't arrange to work together on helping her with her feelings. If you keep it at a level of both of you doing what's best for your daughter, whom you both love, he should be willing to work with you.