Our boy is in a class of 7, of whom 6 are girls. He seems to get on with them fine, and perhaps under their influence says his favorite color is purple and wants to be like Elsa and Ana, etc. At home, he is into Blaze, Jake and likes tools, trains and dinosaurs too.
Most kids his age have started to separate play so when he is on church grounds during a social, at the playground etc and he tries to play with girls they shun him, because he is a boy. He tells me he isn't interested in playing with the boys because he only likes girls.
I expect that with time and experience he will sort this out. Any ideas on what we might do to make this easier on him in the meantime?
Thanks in advance.
F. B.
My only advice is that when he says he only likes girls, you should gently remind him that there are nice people of all kinds in the world, and he shouldn't decide based on what someone looks like. He should get to know each person first, then decide if it's someone he wants to be friends with. It's a good life lesson in general.
i don't think this is a thing for you. other than 'mm hmm' and asking the occasional leading question like 'why do you like playing more with girls?' and 'maybe try playing with the boys' this really isn't anything you 'teach'. it's a very typical learning experience for most kids.
you can't talk everything through. some things need to be lived. sounds like this is one of them. i'm betting that if you let him work through it, he'll do surprisingly quickly.
ETA i'm completely opposed to those who suggest you change schools, or have the church intervene to force the kids to play with him. there may be reasons other than gender that he's being 'shunned', and shunning is a hardwired and effective tactic for kids to socialize each other. we all yawp about socialization and then interfere with how it actually works. almost every child has been (or should be) shunned at some point by their peers. it's how the wolfpacks work. unless there is violence going on, we don't have to micromanage every interaction. friendships can't be forced.
khairete
S.
I don't get this - my kids have always played with both genders form the time they were small. My daughter didn't shun boys because they were boys and my boys didn't shun girls because they were girls. If a boy wanted to do what my daughter was doing, he was simply a playmate. Same for the boys, the girl friends were simply play mates.
I would encourage him to seek friends with similar interests but be kind to everyone.
I wouldn't change preschools, as others have suggested, just to get more boys - assuming you are happy with everything else about the school. There's no reason to disrupt everything about him because of pressure to have him play more with his own gender.
What's interesting to me is that, at a church program of all places, kids are not being directed by parents to be more welcoming and open. That seems opposite to what any church's teachings are.
I think you just talk to him about being friends with people because of who they are and how they act, not what they are. If a certain group isn't playing nicely, it's not because they are girls - it's because they are THOSE girls.
I think there's a problem when we assign certain characteristics to toys - these toys are boy-toys, those over there are girl toys. There is a huge movement - with some stores responding - to de-genderize toys, stop with the pink and blue designations, and display toys by subject rather than by girl aisles and boy aisles. A lot of very brave little girls and their families stood up to the gender stereotyping (so they can have action figures and dinosaurs and Legos), and a lot of boys are going to benefit by getting the freedom to dress up in boas and tiaras. Manufacturers are changing packaging too, and catalogs are shifting the child models they use. There's also some movement in the clothing area, with character shirts for girls having more than princesses and unicorns.
So I'd say to keep encouraging him to play with kids he likes and with toys/activities that he enjoys, and help him through the rough patches where kids are already socialized to be exclusionary. It's about them and their pressures (from parents, TV and the toy industry), and not about anything wrong with him. So the girls at church shouldn't shun him, but he shouldn't be excluding an entire gender by saying he "only likes girls" - he just needs to meet some nicer and more flexible boys in the neighborhood or other activities (in terms of their play choices), and some less rigid girls at church.
I don't think there's much you can do besides telling him not to narrow his friend choices by gender alone.
He's more likely to find boys that like the same things he does (tools, dinosaurs, trains, etc) than girls.
It'll sort itself out on it's own eventually.
As girls get older your son will get tired of girls social cliques and boys will become more appealing.
Purple is a royal color - it's not pink or blue but there's nothing gender specific about it - and I don't see why anyone can't like any color they want - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple or any other.
Grandson #2 is in a class with only 1 other boy. Small town so that's how it worked out. He's been out numbered by girls since k. At times he's played with the girls and sometimes he'll only hang out with the older boys at recess. It sorts itself out. Your son will figure it out without your help. Maybe for the next social have him bring a toy or two and maybe another child will see it and take interest in it. At this age friendship is pretty superficial so really he's just learning social skills.
That's how my son was at that age. He liked playing with the girls better and he liked to invite over girls for playdates. He also enjoyed pretending he was cute, girly characters from movies he saw...basically he liked the characters that were sweet and cute. There were girls at school who were his good buddies so they did not shun him. I did invite over other little boys to come play at our house...he would tell me which boy to invite. This really helped a lot. I tried to do a weekly playdate. Are there any sweet, sensitive boys around you can invite over? Later when my son got older (say 3rd grade-ish) he told me, Mom, why is it I am the only boy who likes playing with girls and thinks they are cool? They other boys all think they have cooties. I told him he is just very mature and that it's true you can have best friends who are both boys and girls. I told him the other boys will definitely agree with him by high school. He is in 6th grade now and is very popular and gets along great with both boys and girls.
Kids play what their friends are playing. No biggie.
Suz T is right on many, many levels. Move schools? What, would we move a boy from their family because he only has sisters? That's pretty odd thinking.
I'd point out what other kids are 'doing' instead of what sex they are. Have him bring something he likes to do to the socials. It will sort itself out. If the other kids are interested in what he's doing, that is the start of connection.
My daughter's best friend in 3 and 4 yo preschool was a boy. I'm really surprised your son is being shunned because he is a boy at this age.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would look for a preschool that had a more even distribution of girls and boys though.
My son preferred the company of girls around this age, too. His playing style was more imaginative and story-based, and he did not appreciate the rough-and-tumble play of boys his age. For him, that came a little later. I wouldn't sweat this one.
One reason he may be getting shunned by the group of girls at church is precisely because they are already a social group, and are not being encouraged by the adults in charge to open up their group. Girls tend to go tribal early. Also, the girls may be being raised to believe that they don't play with boys. If you need to explain it to him, frame it as their loss, not his.
I wouldn't be concerned about liking the color purple or playing with dolls at school, it sounds like he has made friends with his classmates and that's whats important. As he gets older there will be more boys in the class and he will make new friends.
I would look into what is happening at the church, are the other kids older? Just remind him to choose friends by what kind of person they are (kind, caring, etc.) and not because they are a boy or a girl.
My daughter is 9 and has male and female friends, they play together most of the time but sometimes they will split into groups (boys & girls) and do their own things. No matter what they always get along together.
He plays with who he plays with. And he might not be an "extreme" rough and tumble boy. My kid will play with everyone, but when they're too rough, he's not a fan.
Dig a little deeper into the church situation. What are the ages of the kids? Perhaps the boys are older and it's not a good fit. It's possible, at church, he doesn't like playing with THOSE boys because they are too rough too him. Regardless, I'd have a chat with the church because the whole shunning thing is ridiculous. My son is 8, and though SOME girls are all "don't play with boys", I don't recall that being an actual issue.
Can you get him in a class with a more equal ratio of boys and girls?
I recall most preschools will not accept a certain child based on gender. They like having an equal amount of girls and boys. A friend of mine can not get into a desirable school because her son is 4 (well behaved and a great fit) and was told they have enough 4 year old boys. Yet they do have spots open for 3 year old boys.
Public schools seem to be equal boy to girl ratio as well for the most part. As for college I recall you could look up the ratio and decide if it is a good fit for yourself.
Is your son verbally advanced for his age? Both my sons were and both enjoyed playing with girls when younger. I think it really was that girls talked more and a lot of their play was imaginative and creative. They both also loved boy play that was creative...think Star Wars and light sabers....
My youngest eventually shifted and began to really focus on what the boys tended to do, but he still is very close to some of those girls...he is in 7th grade and is very sensitive. My oldest never really "got" boy behavior. He really disliked rough play and did not understand the fascination with team sports like football. He was and still is a natural leader and a very trusted friend to those he felt comfortable with, in part I think because of his verbal skills and listening abilities. He is also very caring. He did struggle with folks who wanted him to "fit" into a certain identity and when he was older there was bullying. We found out he was gay when he was 13 and then the bullying got worse. My younger son is not gay. I am only mentioning this because based on my experiences, there is really not much a parent can do to make things better because your instinct is absolutely correct. He will sort this out on his own, meaning who he is, what kind of friends he wants to have, what kind of friend he wants to be, all of it.
It sounds like you are doing a great job so far because you are talking with him about it. It would probably be a good idea for you to help him come up with a way to respond to the "shunning" and any mean comments that might come up. This is especially true if he is an especially sensitive child, as boys are often not "allowed" to be as sensitive as girls, which is of course silly. Interestingly enough, it is my straight son who is super sensitive. My gay son is very, very rational and measured with his emotions. So, there goes that stereotype.
