September 10, 2011,
J.K. asks from Kalamazoo, MI on September 05, 2011
So my husband decided to have a few too many tonight and act like a real jerk. I knew he had too much since he was getting louder and louder and repeating himself, so I decided to go to bed and read a book, he repeated starts asking me what movie i want to watch, I say I dont care Im reading... So then he starts saying things like 'what the hell is wrong with you', what is your problem, ect. I keep anwsering Im tired I just want to go to sleep, finally I said I dont want to talk to you now bc you are raising your voice and will wake our dd. His behavior continued to escalate until he was standing over me yelling and using profanity. This went on for about 1/2 hr. I didnt respond to him except to keep asking him to calm down and lower his voice, and to tell him go to sleep please. He has a problem with alcohol, and in the 3 yrs we have been married there have been 2 similar instances to this. I am 7 months preg. and dont have a full time job, so Im not in a position to leave him, any advice?
So What Happened?™
C.O. answers from Washington DC on September 06, 2011
I agree with J. W...if you want to leave him - leave. However, when a man has too much to drink, walking away from him and telling him "I don't care" - that will only piss him off more - and like J. W - I don't have to have a drink to get pissed for someone pulling that with me.
You've been with him for 13 years...married for 3....so you knew about his drinking - I would suggest that he go back to AA and you attend Al-anon groups so that you can learn how to deal with him when he falls off the wagon.
More advice? Don't keep alcohol in the house...it's only begging an alcoholic to drink it and in my opinion - that's cruel. You know someone has a problem with alcohol you don't keep alcohol where they have EASY access to it...
2 moms found this helpful
R.D. answers from Richmond on September 06, 2011
Go read my posts from when I was pregnant/had a newborn, dealing with the same thing... I got great feedback :)
Hang in there honey!
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B.Z. answers from Detroit on September 07, 2011
I really think there is no way he doesn't act like a jerk (at least sometimes) when he is not drinking. "Very passive/sensitive", "apparently he was very upset about something I did last week that he never talked to me about" = he cannot communicate until he is drunk? My husband does not have the drinking issues but will nitpick at what I say, my clothes, etc. becuase he is mad about something else. I think this is something you need to address with the counselor as well.
N.P. answers from San Francisco on September 05, 2011
Put a camera in your room or whatever room most of the confrontations occur in. Let him get shitfaced and come home ranting. Later that week when he's in his right mind and sober, play the video for him and don't say a word. Let his talking do the talking. Then when it's over ask him if this is the way he wants his children to see him.
8 moms found this helpful
D.P. answers from Pittsburgh on September 06, 2011
Go to Alanon. It will help.
IF your husband is an alcoholic, he needs to realize it and get into a recovery program. There is NO way you can force this it has to be his decision. Many can talk the the talk but he needs to walk the walk, not just pay lip service. IF he is an alcoholic, don't fall for the lies about "I can do this myself" "my family is my support group", etc.
It sounds as if your husband's behavior is abusive as well.
ETA: Marriage counseling is not the answer. addressing the addiction IS the answer. A recovering addict should not be drinking and if his rehab was worth it's weight in salt, HE would know that. No. None. Never. That's the idea behind recovery. Rehab doesn't "fix" addicts, it teaches them how to stay clean & sober.
Marriage counseling is like putting a butterfly on a gun shot wound.
ETA after your update: An addict who is NOT active in a recovery program is just a ticking time bomb. Without AA/NA he has NO accountability. Addiction is forever. So is recovery. He needs a sponsor yesterday. And he needs to be going to meetings every day for 30 days right now.
6 moms found this helpful
R.K. answers from Appleton on September 05, 2011
Contact his AA sponser and ask if he can help you with this situation. He needs to get back into AA and go to meetings and follow the steps.
For yourself and your children get you into Al-Anon, it's for the families of substance abusers. You will learn how to handle his behaviors.
Now for some harsh realities. This man is an abusive alcoholic and it will only get worse. He has you convinced that you need him because you only work a part-time job. He has to keep you convinced that you are too inept or stupid or unskilled or any of his other brainwashing techniques he has used on you--for his sake he needs you the only time he feels good about himself is when he is putting you down.
You can leave there are shelters you can go to, even with a part-time job you can get a low income apartment, you only pay about 25% of your income for rent and utilties. You can get day care assistance, food stamps and medical asistance to help you become independent. After the baby is born you can look into financial aid to go back to school and get a degree so you can get a good job with good benefits so you can take care of your children. You can not now or ever depend on him to support you or the kids. He is a drunk and drunks are unreliable.
When he acts up again CALL THE POLICE. You will end up in a custody battle with this man. DOCUMENT -- DOCUMENT -- DOCUMENT all of his bad behaviors. When you get to court it is not about what you know it is about what you can PROVE.
Get out ASAP you are teaching your children that women deserve to be treated this way. Is this what you want for them?
5 moms found this helpful
J.W. answers from St. Louis on September 06, 2011
I am just wondering was this all him? I can't help but see the signs of the I am going to my room to pout technique. Any woman with half a brain knows that sets off men who have not been drinking, drunk guys have no chance of being rational.
So then after he realizes you have left the room he comes to check on you. He gets the I don't care I am reading with the cold shoulder. So yes he gets angry. I would get angry with someone pulling passive aggressive nonsense and I don't have to have one drink to do it.
If you want to leave him then leave him but don't pick fights with him when he is drunk to prove you are right.
Although I agree with everyone about a drinking problem there actually isn't anything in your post that would suggest he has a problem. Once a year? That does not sound like a drinking problem despite his past.
5 moms found this helpful
L.A. answers from Austin on September 05, 2011
Go to Ala-non.
It is free and there will be a lot of other people in your position. They will teach you some techniques. It helps to know you are not alone or losing your mind.
4 moms found this helpful
D.F. answers from San Antonio on September 06, 2011
I am sorry you had a rough night!! I can't TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. I can tell you that your love for him will NOT make him get sober. I thought LOVE would fix anything. But it doesn't.
After 11 yrs I am leaving my husband. He is an alcoholic. Not mean but sloppy, falling down, slurring, sleeping on the porch can't keep a job.
I am at my wits end. I can't cry any more. I can't yell any more. I can't FIX HIM!!
Telling you to leave is not the answer. You LOVE HIM! If you really want help, go to Al Anon. Until you are 100% done, you will continue to stay with him putting up with his behavior BUT if he EVER hurts you or the kids YOU MUST LEAVE. Drunken yelling is one thing, putting his hands on you is another.
Good luck Erika!! I will pray for your husband to get the help he needs and for your family to be ok!!
4 moms found this helpful
J.C. answers from Rockford on September 05, 2011
Standing over you, 7 months pregnant, yelling and swearing is absolutely absurd. He calls for counseling tomorrow. His problem with alcohol is unacceptable. If he refuses to get help, go yourself (which you should do anyway to learn how to handle this), and begin preparing yourself and your children to live without him until he agrees to get help for this and sticks to it.
3 moms found this helpful
D.B. answers from Charlotte on September 06, 2011
Added - Allison P - Wow. Through thick and thin? Just because you are an enabler when your husband has been drinking, and he has actually stopped drinking, doesn't mean that Erika's husband is going to quit. Telling a woman to stay when her husband is standing over her screaming profanities when she is 7 months pregnant and he's drunk off his nut is iresponsible. This is NOT the time to enable his drinking. Erika, the ladies are telling you the truth. Til death do us part is wrong when your children watch their dad be abusive, and learn that it's normal. It isn't normal and what your selfish husband is doing is wrong.
It sounds like you need to have a safe place to go with your children when he starts this. You shouldn't stay in the house when he gets to this point.
If you leave with the kids, it might speak to him when he sobers up. Especially if you don't come back right away. I'm sure there are some women's shelters in your area that you could go to. Pack a bag that is ready to go, and get out of there. You have NO idea when he might start hitting - standing over you yelling because you didn't want to watch TV but read a book instead is just an accident waiting to happen.
I agree with the idea of going to Al-Anon. They can give you a lot of good information.
I'm sorry you are going through this, Erika.
3 moms found this helpful