Dropping off Kids at the Mall - Am I Being Unreasonable?

Oh, heck to the NO.
Last fall, when my son was 15, he wanted to go shopping with his 15 year old girlfriend at the mall. I said fine, I will take you both. LOL Yep, the three of us spent the afternoon together.

I am of the mind set that children need supervision. And 10 and 12 year old are still very much children. But, my biggest peeve here would have been my child going off to the mall without telling me and getting my permission. Oh, and I would have explained that to the Mom who dropped them off.

It is okay that your daughter is upset. Explain to her your reasons and end with, because I am the parent. LOL It is a great fall back line. She will get over it, I promise.

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My son is 13 almost 14 and I do not let him hang at the Mall. No way, its asking for trouble.

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Please tell your daughter it's not *HER* you don't trust it's the REST of the world. You love her so much it's just SOUL CRUSHING to imagine her hurt or in danger when you could've easily prevented it. You could never live with yourself.

Maybe you can go to the mall for her birthday afterall. Maybe you can NOT drop them off, but give them space? Be present, but invisible. As long as she answers your texts, or meets you at the pre-determined time, you can let them go their own way, right?

Even *I* didn't let my daughter roam the mall alone or with a friend (of any age) when she was 10. And ya'll know how modern I am. Teehehe.

:)

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I agree that 10 (especially someone who isn't even quite yet 10) is too young. I remember being dropped at the mall when I was in 8th grade, so age 13. I think 12 might be ok, but not any younger.

I also think it's very inappropriate that the other girl's mother would drop your daughter at the mall without permission from either you or your ex. Follow up and make sure he really does talk to the other parents. That's just irresponsible of the other mother.

Sounds like your ex may need to make other arrangements while he is working.

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I agree with you. 100%.

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Here's my opinion:
You have an AWESOME ex-husband to not only agree with you, but to volunteer to speak to the friend's parents! Wow. :))

No, you are NOT way off base. My daughter is 11, and I wouldn't even let her do that. I'm not even sure I would let my just turned 14 yr old son. There just isn't any good reason to have them wandering a mall without an adult handy. There just isn't. Period.
And who cares if it isn't a "high crime" area? It doesn't have to be. It could be a place that has had ZERO crime, and something could happen. One of the nicest, safest, outdoor shopping areas near us (Town Center in Jacksonville, FL) has a relatively low crime rate, too. I feel very comfortable driving there and shopping alone. Or with friends. Or just me and my kids. It is quite nice. But even there, a woman was robbed (I believe at gunpoint) within the first year the place was open for business. It hasn't happened again (to my knowledge) and I still feel safe going there. But crime is often a case of opportunity. What is more opportune than a couple of tween kids wandering around a mall with no adult?!

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Way too young. Even 12-13 is too young in my book.

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My 17yo is not allowed to go to the mall with friends on a Friday or Saturday night. It's just asking for trouble.
You're not being unreasonable.
At at local mall no more than 3 kids can be together, unless they are with an adult.

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Too young, I would not let a 10 yr old hang at the mall. My youngest is 13 and I just started allowing her to be at the mall without adults this year. Before leaving her, I made sure she knew to protect her purse, phone and herself. I warned her that "older" doesn't mean an old person...it means anyone who is obviously older than she is. Don't let a cute boys flatter you into a tricky situation...those types of tips.

I sub at a charter school for boys who have been removed from their homes by cps. Most are from areas far from here, but some have homes in the surrounding area and have weekend visitation with their families. I have seen groups of these boys trolling the mall on weekends. I'm not saying they are ALL bad kids, but these boys live and learn in an all boy environment all week, sometimes weeks at a time. When they hit the mall on a weekend visit, they aren't shopping for the latest skinny jeans. If you haven't a candid conversation with your daughter on what could potentially occur, then she isn't old enough. I'm not advocating scaring her to death, just inform her enough so she doesn't make an easy target.

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I'm with you. I don't let my 14 year old troll the mall with friends. If she's there, it's for something specific and a parent is at least in the building.

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Yep 10 is too young. I'm just now ok with my 14 yo going out with friends alone. I would be pissed that not only did the other parent let your child go to the mall alone but didn't bother even asking how you/ex husband felt about it. I would NEVER make that decision without asking the other parent first.

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Yes, 10 is waaaay to young to go to the mall alone. I used to be an assistant manager at Gadzooks (anyone remember that store?)... a high percentage of our thefts were of jewelry and panties... by preteen girls.

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I wouldn't let may daughters go to the mall alone until they were 15.

Good luck to you and yours.

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I ditto you.

My daughter is 9, and will be 10 this year.
I would not let her go to the mall by herself or with friends... even if she is a mature "smart" kid.
No way.

The human brain, is not even fully developed until 25-26 years old.

You are the parent. YOU do what you think is best.

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My ten year-old-daughter won't be at the mall alone hanging out looking at junk she can't buy with a friend and wasting time because it's lame AND dangerous. From stupid petty crime, meeting bad friends you'll never know they're texting etc, yearning for stupid material possessions when she's too young to earn them, to perverts, to abduction. I know I sound like a granny, and maybe it's just where I live, but watching the kids in our local mall (and the grody people sitting around on benches watching them) is seriously depressing. MAYBE they're just grandpas waiting for their wives to wrap it up in Sears....and it's not THEIR fault little girls dress like hookers and have no idea that they do because all their friends do too.... Or maybe it's just a sad freak show with built in spectators. I mean how many times can you walk past Pac Sun and Yankee Candle or whatever slurping on a soda and corralling with other tweens giving each other the insecure up and down looks all day from under your droopy bangs shrieking "HE JUST TEXTED ME, HE JUST TEXTED ME!!!" and jumping up and down jiggling out of a micro American Eagle lacy tank and mini skirt at age 14? yes, I was just at the mall the other day and saw the that scene. Isn't there something they could be doing outdoors or reading god forbid?

To me malls are for shopping when you need something and avoiding other than that (thank god for internet shopping). I never hung out in malls as a kid, and I never missed it. BUT, if you like malls and she likes malls, and she has nothing better to do with her young developing mind or her time, then stick to your guns about chaperoning her at ten. She won't hate you forever for caring about her. And let her do the mall for her birthday as a special junky treat (but not without you there). I mean really, little girls wanting so badly for their moms to NOT BE at the mall when they are shows you how immature and young she really is. It's not safe.

OVERREACTED?? If some mom had dropped my ten-year-old off at a mall without my permission, I'm sure what I would do would be way harsher than whatever you did.

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You are spot on, and really, it doesn't matter what any of *our* opinions are...it feels wrong to you, and that is what you go with. Period.

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10 years old is too young to go to the mall alone. Doesn't matter if her friend is 12 years old. Something can happen to them both.

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A missing college student's body was found today after she rode her bike home alone from a friend's house a few months ago in Louisiana. She's the apparent victim of an abduction by a predator. Police arrested him a month ago, but just found her. She was apparently a responsible young adult and her story still didn't end well. Need I say more? Yes, a 10 year-old is too young, and no you shouldn't feel bad about being protective whether she's 10 or older. It's not safe, plain and simple. You are her mother. You're doing the right thing.

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Not only would I NOT allow my own 9 yo (my son is 9) to go to the mall with a 12yo by themselves (and my daughter is 12), I would also not allow my kid to to to YOUR kids bday party if you were going to take them to the mall and let them walk around by themselves while you sat and waited. Not only can get they get into trouble by shoplifting and other things, but they could also get taken from a mall. There is just no way I would allow this. Good luck.

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Nope 10 is too young. Once she is in middle school, I would consider it, but I probably would want to be at the mall and let them walk around without me. Meeting up time to time in the beginning.

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I'm with you, that's way too young. You're not off-base on this one!

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You're totally right! Don't second guess yourself because of your daughter's tears. You know what can happen and you're trying to protect her. You owe no apologies. Good luck!

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We had to drop a friend this year, who has been a VERY good friend to my son for more than 5 years.

Why? He was 13 and my son was 9.

Which meant that he (my son's friend) was naturally allowed a lot more freedom than my son was, and also that he was getting interested in things that are totally normal/natural for 13 yo's, but way out of the park for 9 year olds.

They're only 3 years apart (just barely 13, and almost 10)... but that's a HUGE gap as far as responsibility and maturity goes.

If he'd been babysitting my son... no worries. They would have been great. Similar, siblings, the older child 'outranks' the younger. But since it was a PEER relationship / the expectations are PEER based... we had to back away from the friendship.

Which was sad, but necessary.

Don't get me wrong, the 13yo is a GREAT kid, and maybe in a couple years at 13/16 when they're a freshman and senior they can reconnect. But for now, the disparity in expectations is too big.

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I'm with you onn this. I agree.....too young.

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I am a pretty laid back give the kids freedom kind of mom. Even with my responsible child I didn't leave them alone at ten. At that age I let them go around the mall alone but I was there and we met up every hour or so. They were around 13 and by then she had a cell, before I did the drop off.

To me it was not a matter of high crime, it was a matter of do they know how to react to things so I wanted to be there if they became over their head.

My older daughter at 15 was questioned for shoplifting, which she didn't do! Oh my she laid into the mall cop and the idiot at the store. That is what I mean by handling what comes and she wasn't able to do that till 13.

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I went to the mall once by myself at 10 and I think I was too young. When the sks were younger, we tested the waters by telling them to go to x store and be back in 20 minutes or go to x store and we'd meet them there, but that was more like 11/12. Heck, at 10, my SD was so scatterbrained she could not be trusted at home for two hours til her dad got home so she had to stay in aftercare til she aged out. And while we kept her in aftercare, her mom was giving her a $20 (when she was 7 or 8) and letting her walk half a mile to the store and back, unsupervised. Were we popular? No. Was SD safer not doing that? Yes.

On the plus side, it sounds like you and your ex are on the same page. Further, I would not want to be "responsible" on any level for a bunch of tweens alone at the mall.

I would find something else to do for the party.

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2 words...Jaycee Dugard.

I'd rather your daughter be upset than go missing for 18 years, or worse, to never return home.

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No, you are not being way off base and do NOT EVER LET ANYONE THINK THAT YOU ARE. YES, I was yelling. That being said I will let you know that when I was growing up in the wonderful sixties my sister was playing baseball with her her friends and the friend was kidnapped. And in those days there were not as many nuts or cars that there are now. Fast forward, my sister did go to court, they had found the guy and the little girl safe and now my sister is a police officer/forensics photographer. There are lots of things that happen these days. Do not for a moment think that other people can ridicule you about being over protective. She can go to therapy someday if she doesn't like it but right now it is your job to take care of her and that means saying no. WHEW huh?

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I would be livid. Doesn't anyone watch TV? Kids get kidnapped/stolen/murdered all the time that are these kids ages. If you don't believe it google those girls missing that we've been keeping up with here on mamapedia.

Even teen girls come up missing every fall when county and state fairs are going on. I cannot imagine ever letting the kids go even with a group of friends.

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I'm with you!!!!!!!!!!!

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I agree with you and your former husband. Ten years old is way too young to simply drop off at the mall. Call me a helicopter parent on this issue, I don't care. If this is what "free range" parenting looks like, no thanks.

I like to give my children freedom and responsibility, but some things are non-negotiable and are common sense. I would say "these days it's a bad idea" but I'll tell you what: when I was 10 years old my mother, one of the original free range moms, would have cut her own arms off to avoid driving me to the mall to drop me and a friend off at that age. I didn't have that privilege until I was a freshman in high school.

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10 is too young to be dropped off. Walking around with a 12 year old if there is a parent in the mall to meet up with regularly would be different, but I wouldn't be ok a 10 year old.

My son is 16 and still hasn't wandered a mall completely alone (granted he hates shopping and the closest "mall" is over an hour away)

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My son is very mature for his age but there is no way that I would even at 13 let him and his friends walk around the mall alone. There are too many weirdos out there. And I have a 10 year old that I sure would not let go to the mall with friends. I am glad that you and your ex are on the same page with this!!! I know when I was 14 and up all I did at the mall was try to pick up guys.

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10 is WAY TOO YOUNG! In my opinion, 12 is also way too young, especially in today's society of early sexulization, skimpy clothes, and temptations that weren't necessarily around when I was that age. No way, no how, and I think I would keep my daughter away from that friend for a while AFTER talking to the mom about the situation.

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It doesn't matter how nice and quiet the area is stuff happens anywhere. I would not let my daughter go to the mall alone either at 10. Not here in Florida or any other state.

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First I wouldn't be mad at my DD, the friends mom thought nothing of it...her DD is 12 and the mom probably felt she was old enough to watch your dd. In many cases that is babysitting age.

I agree with you, but this a learning experience for your dd, and one for you. When you leave your child in the care of someone else, you have to understand that they will do things different then you will. Doesn't make them wrong, doesn't make then right. Just different.

When I have ran into issue's like this I explain to 'my' kids my expectations, and what I expect of them. Getting angry isn't going to solve the problem nor help your child find an acceptable way to solve future problems if that is how you react. that means she won't come to you in the future.

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I think you--and your husband-- are smart to take some measures like being at the mall with the girls and having the girls check in at times, even if it's just waving across the food court while on the phone. (I like a visual check-in, initially. Anyone can answer a phone and not be where they say they are.)

Giving freedom in age-appropriate increments is a good thing to do. The thing is, unlike two kids walking to the corner store for candy and back(which is usually a pretty specific activity), hanging out at the mall doesn't have a specific aim. The kids are just there and because they're just 'hanging out', they are an easier target for someone who would exploit them, just because they're more easily duped at nine than 15 or 18. There is a more likely 'getting into trouble' factor, too, just due to age.

Do have a good talk with your daughter about what to notice at the mall. Talk about theft. Most kids do encounter a friend or two stealing... do they know that if they are hanging out with kids that steal, they'll also be brought in by security? As Lisa suggested, give her practical information on encountering older kids/boys/men. Give her good information and when you and dad feel she's ready, let her fly a bit more on her own. Yep--9 is too young!

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I just started letting my 14 yo go to the mall with friends. I agree, 10 is too young.

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I remember going to the mall with my best friend when we were probably 12 or 13. One of her older sisters would drop us off and come back a few hours later to pick us up. I loved doing that. Would I let my kids do that now? NO WAY! My daughter is 14 and has only gone to the mall with me or when we've gone as a family which really doesn't happen all that often. There is no way I'd take a bunch of 10 or 11 year olds and just drop them off at the mall. That's really asking for trouble. Besides, what kind of party is that? Stick to your guns mom.

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Wow - I seriously don't see the problem. Get her a phone and have her check in every couple of hours. And no - kids do NOT get kidnapped and murdered ALL THE TIME. Stranger abduction is extremely rare.

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There was a story on the news the other day, a woman left her 10 year old at a McDonalds for two hours and was arrested for child abandonment. So yeah, 10 is definitely too young to be dropped off.

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I am one of the most lenient moms with a responsible daughter (now 17) and that would be a NO WAY for me at 10 yrs old.

Side note.... many of the malls around here and outdoor shopping centers have a rule about unattended children. If teens are at some locations, there is a rule 17 at 7pm, meaning if you are unattended and 17 then you are ok to be at the location. If not, then parents are located but I don't know what they actually do about it.

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I bet most people are saying 10 is too young, but inside a mall? I wouldn't have a problem with it.
And being arrested for shoplifting? I bet THAT'S a lesson you never forgot, what's wrong with that? I got caught stealing penny candy in a grocery store when I was 9 and all it took was a threat from the store manger. You better believe I never stole another thing again, even when some of my best high school friends were regularly lifting clothes and make up.
I honestly believe some lessons are better learned early, they make a MUCH bigger impression.

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My mom has never just "dropped us off" at the mall, and we weren't allowed to start walking around by ourselves until we were 15-16. Of course, we were brought up on a farm in the middle of nowhere (The neighboring towns were also VERY small)... And the mall that we went to was an hour and a half away from our home... And it was the Mall Of America (The biggest mall in America). So all of that may have factored into it a little bit.

However, I don't think I'll let my kids walk around the mall until they are around 15 either... I don't know if I would ever just "drop them off" there.

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I have a 10 year-old daughter who is very responsible and mature for her age. I let her do more than most of her friends are allowed to at her age. I have not yet let her go to the mall alone or with a 12 year-old friend. I might let them be alone for times, with a check in time and place, but not just dropped off. There's plenty of time for that once she's a teen.

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I'd have a chat with the friend's parents. And tell them that sorry, your 10 year is NOT allowed to be dropped at the mall without adult supervision. Watch their reaction. They really need to respect your authority. Both you and her Dad agree. No dropping at the mall. If you get a vibe they aren't going to really respect that, maybe its time DD spend more time with friends her own age, or she's just going to be trying to grow up too soon. Time to lay it on the line with DD. Her friend is older, but even still most, if not many, many 12 year olds are not allowed to "roam free" at the mall. Talk to her about your concerns about harmful people and influences. Talk about shoplifting. It is dangerous, whether she realizes it or not. She wants to go to the mall alone with friends for an 11 year old birthday party? Explain to her that almost certainly, none of her friend's parents would allow them to attend that kind of unsupervised event. The mall security officials may also shut that down quite swiftly. Propose a compromise. Do a "mall party" with reasonable supervision. Like they sit a little ways away from you at a table in the food court. or restaurant You can still keep an eye, but not be right in on their tween conversation. Last year I did not allow my 7th grader to be "dropped" at the mall. This year she will have to make baby steps towards that privilege. I also have a 10 year old. No way would I allow her at the mall without an adult.

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I would be OK with it since she was with someone who is old enough to babysit her. When I was 10 we didn't get dropped off at the mall, we had to take the bus to the mall ourselves! My 10 year old has been to the mall and the movies with my friends 14 year old son.

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I totally agree that is too young to go to the mall without an adult. I use to work and live in/around orlando and there is alot of people in and out of the area. Too easy is it for someone to do something to her or even kidnapp. Go to the child predator website and show her just home many nut jobs there is. Also, remember the shooting at the movie theatre not too long ago. Since then there has been some copy cats.

No matter what you did as a kid, I do think 10 is too young to be dropped off at a shopping mall. My GD is 10.5 and I wouldn't drop her at the mall. BUT you did say the friend is a couple of years older so that makes the friend around 12. AND you did say that a 12 - 13 you would consider it. So, look at it from the friend's parents' point of view - their child is old enough per YOUR standards. So I would have to say that perhaps you shouldn't let your NINE year old daughter hang out with kids that are that much older than her. It's not that much older in years but it is maturity-wise.

Crossing streets would concern me more. I see kids (probably 10 or so) darting about. Every now and then one gets hit and it's tragic. They should not be playing in streets (or even crossing anything remotely busy, as in cars going by now and then) in my opinion. The deaths lately have been unreal. Cars just don't expect to see kids in the road or running about, sadly. I like malls because there is no car traffic inside! Maybe they could go alone and you could be in another store/area, in case they need you, and they could check in with you. I would not worry about anything bad happening TO them, but I would worry that kids that age might get into or cause trouble. So they do need supervision.