I have a very close friend who has 2 girls the same ages as my girls. The 2 youngest went to preschool together for 3 years. Now they're all in elementary school, but different schools. We don't spend a ton of time with them during the school year, but see other every single day for 2 months in the summer b/c we belong to the same pool and do swim team together. The 4 girls have always had fun together and have been good friends.
Fast forward to this summer. My friend's girls seemed to have "moved on" from mine. They've become better friends with different kids at the pool. I'll admit I feel bad about it (and it bugs my girls too) but I understand it. Friendships change, I get that. My friend and I are still as close as ever. So here is the problem. My friend works part time and I have been watching her kids every Wednesday all summer. She is not paying me (I never expected that). I assumed it would work well for both of us - her kids would keep mine occupied and she could get some work done. However, it is becoming more and more obvious that her kids don't really want to hang out with mine. It's embarrassing actually. They act completely bored if we're at my house, and if we decide to be at the pool they completely ignore my kids and play with others. I guess what it comes down to is, her kids can do as they please, but I HATE being in charge of them once a week and I don't want to do it anymore! It has become so uncomfortable.
So today we stayed at the pool after swim practice which ended at 10am. My friend needed me to watch them until 3pm. I ordered pizza for everyone and all the kids (including a few others - 2 other mom friends of mine met us there and ordered lunch with us). All the kids sat down at a table far from the adults. I watched as my friend's 2 girls sat with mine for a few minutes, but when their new friends (2 other girls) came over they picked up their plates and went to a different table. The 2 new girls could have just sat down at the picnic table that everyone was already sitting at. Both of my friend's girls sat at the new table, turned their backs on my kids and ate. It was painfully obvious to me what was going on. I don't think my girls noticed too much, since there were about 4 other kids eating with them. Anyway, I was annoyed. We got back to my house at 2pm. At 3pm my friend came to get her kids and the minute she walked in she asked if there was any drama. I hadn't planned on saying anything (what good would it do?!) but when she mentioned drama I spilled it (not in front of any kids).
Now I'm regretting saying anything. I think she feels like I was attacking her kids. All I wanted to get across was that our girls don't seem to enjoy each other as much as they used to, and we need to stop the organized playdates. It came out all wrong. I feel terrible because I know I could've gone about it in a better way. I already sent her an email telling her that I'm sorry about how I worded everything. I told her how the kids were actually the least of my worries - I'm more worried about my friendship with her and not losing it. Did I do the right thing saying something??? I had to eventually, right? Otherwise I'd have to keep watching her kids every week. UGH. I feel like I'm the one about to start middle school. Any words of advice or comfort? I'm so upset about this stupid thing. Thanks :)
Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read my long question and respond! My friend did send me a reply email which was nice and made me feel better. We also swim together on Wednesday nights so we talked about it before getting in the pool last night. She was still a little defensive about her older daughter (saying things such as "well your daughter had a friend at the pool and my daughter felt left out", which is total BS because her daughter was playing - happily - with her new friends.) But I figured it was time to drop it. Beating a dead horse was not going to solve anything and it could damage our friendship. I appreciate all of your words. You made me feel better about what happened and I truly needed that!
Your priority is your girls, not your friend. If her daughters don't want to be around your kids, that's fine, but why should you keep watching them for free. Obviously, they have said something to the mom, or she at least suspects they don't want to come over, otherwise why would she have asked if there was any drama? Let it go, see how she responds, and move on.
Hi K., I think you did the right thing. I only have boys, but I have been in your situation too. It is annoying and hurtful. And since you are still such good friends with the mom, I don't see any reason why you should not have said anything. Maybe a follow up phone call would be good too. Sometimes email is so impersonal, and speaking directly to her would help. Express to her that you still value your friendship and don't want to hurt it but the kids seem to have grown apart and are bored with each other. Try not to be so upset because I'm sure with girls there will be a bunch of drama through the years. Good luck!!
Ugh, altogether now - "AWKWARD!!" I feel for ya!
I think it's weird that she would walk in, already with the expectation of drama. I think maybe your timing & place was off, but it's good that you said something. If she is a good friend, she'll understand. If she doesn't, then maybe it's just to move on. I don't blame you being hurt for your kids.
This is exactly why I have my own friends that are separate of my DD's friends. Things can get weird very quickly when you mix like that.
Oh, you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing saying something and probably should have done it when this monkey business all started and nipped it in the bud. Please don't back out of this now.....you said what had to be said. Stand firm because it is not at all fair to your girls if you do not. Your friend needs to stop being so defensinve and have a talk with her girls. SO I think you should circle back and make sure that your friend realizes that while you are apologizing for how you put it the fact of the matter is that unacceptable behavior is happening.
And as the caretaker of these children it falls on you as well to discipline this behavior. HAve a talk with the girls and let them know they will not be able to get away with it anymore.
When it comes down to it I know you have a great friendship with this woman but PLEASE make your children your priority.
I think something definitely had to be said. Your follow up e-mail showed you weren't trying to be rude about it just factual. I'm sure she understands. The fact that the first question she asked was if there was any drama IMHO suggests that she was expecting some and maybe her kids have been telling her things too but she just wanted to hear it from someone else. Try not to worry about it. Though I've been in your exact shoes so I know you won't be able to not worry about it.
I just wanted to say I feel for you. I would NOT want to watch my friend's girls if I were in your shoes. What's wrong with asking your friend to have a talk with her girls or leveling with you. Do her kids not care for yours any longer? If so, you understand that kids often grow apart. If she is oblivious, she may need to have a little chat with her girls. But it sounds like she sees it, or has heard something from her own kids because she asked YOU if there was any drama. Once you get your friend to admit, the girls aren't connecting as well as they used to, she is going to have to understand you ending your babysitting arrangement. It just isn't fair to YOUR girls who are forced into that hurtful situation. If your friendship is strong, and you emphasize, "kids growing apart" not her kids being mean, she should understand.
You were in an impossible situation in a way so don't worry about it. I'm sure your friend, if she's really a friend, totally understands. I am so happy that so far my friends who have kids my kids are friends with are open about whether or not our kids are still best buddies. I know it's jsut how things go so i don't blame the mom and hopefully they don't blame me if these thigns come up. All you can do really is be open about it and you started that dialogue now. Unless she's not a nice person, she'll be fine with this. She must understand how this is for you watching her kids all day who don't want to hang out with yours... If she doesn't, then this is her problem.
Never a good idea to spill it like ya did but you didn't do anything wrong.
With any luck she will get mad, stew on your words and during the stewing realize you didn't mean anything bad you were just trying to explain that all the girls, your and hers, seem like they don't like the current arrangement.
Thing is if she needs the Wednesdays to continue then she needs to explain to her daughters that she needs this and they need to get on board.
You did the right thing and emailing her with an apology if you think things came out wrong was also a good move. If she is your true friend, she will forgive you and recognize that you can't make your kids be friends. She's the one that asked about "drama" so clearly she knew something was up! I think it will be okay if you both recognize that you cannot make your kids be friends. My mom's best friend had a daughter 2 months older than me and she was a spoiled brat! We had nothing in common and did not like each other at all but our parents spent years forcing us together and it was always a problem. Thankfully, we finally moved away and it was no longer an issue.
You said "middle school". That's the answer. Girls in particular are rotten in middle school and the less you get involved, the better. You might simply tell your friend that it appears that the girls are no longer as close as they once were. If your kids say anything encourage them to find other girls to play with and say that you will be hanging out with them once a week because you are watching them for their mom, whether or not they get along. Tween girls...ugh. It happens sometimes, too, that our friends' kids reach a point where they just don't have anything in common except that their parents are friends. My SS went through that when a friend's son just got on his nerves and when he was 12 or 13 he asked to not have to hang out with the boy so much.
If she still needs childcare, try to make the best of it for your friend's sake for the summer and expect that they won't see much of each other after that. At least at the pool there are other kids.
Typically I try to stay out of my children's friendship dramas and let them work it out on their own. If they ask for advice I'll offer it. It kills me when they're upset that a particular friend said or did something, or starts to distance themselves, but it's natural. The children do have to learn to cope with these things on their own, though, and figure out how to manage friendships and endings of friendships.
What bothers me in this instance is the rudeness and attitude these girls seem to be giving. And they're brazen enough to do it in your home in front of you while in your care and out in public with you while in your care. That's a problem. Regarding the outright rudeness, I would have addressed it as the attitudes started without being accusatory but more in an Auntie way. The fact that you do spend significant amounts of time with them means you get to interact with them and expect certain behaviors with them. It also means that when they act rude when you're in charge of them, you can call them on it.
That said, that's how I would have handled it but that's not what happened. :-)
I do think that you did the right thing in saying something to your friend although at the age the girls are it's better to address the girls directly. But since it came out in a way that you think may have been hurtful to your friend you gave a preemptive apology on your wording and let her know that her friendship is meaningful. That will go a long way, I believe.
I'm going through similar drama myself, but with a woman who has turned on me several times -- kind of funny since I have supported her through all sorts of times when she believed her daughter was being bullied by other girls, but I have since found out that her daughter has actually been bullying my daughter for years and my daughter was too ashamed and scared to say anything to me. The mom is unstable and has alienated quite a few of us in our social circle. The point of my story is that she is no longer a good friend I could approach with a problem.
However, it sounds like you and your friend are, in fact, still close. The post you wrote above says it all. I think you need to copy it and share it with her. Good luck.
What an awkward situation (what has been happening). I sympathize with the exploding. Unfortunately, that's what happens when there is build up of frustration.
For now, I'd meet with her face to face to apologize for unloading on her like that and check in and make sure she's OK.
Yeah, you would have had to talk to her about it, but it just came out like an avalanche.
On another note, if your girls are OK with how they are, then can you just let it slide? At least for the rest of this summer. Especially since your friend might be in a bind? And if you explain this to your girls, they might be OK with it too.
And as far as them acting bored. Oh well. That's on them. Don't internalize it. You can suggest activities and let them be.
On your friend's end, she'll have to talk to them about being polite, but that's on her.
Don't worry about it-maybe she'll teach her children not to be so rude and hurtful
Hi, K.:
I understand your dilemma. Give the mother some time to clear her own feelings. Then you too can restore your friendship, if she is a compassionate person.
When you get the girls next time, call a circle dialogue and ask these questions to the visiting girls whose behavior is upsetting to you.
They need to learn that their behavior is affecting you and others. What ever occurs, follow the same procedure.
For example:
In the circle, you start of by saying that you were upset about witnessing them going over to anothe table and turning their back on your girls.
Ask each of the offending parties these questions
1. What happened?
2. What were yoou thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In wat way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?
You and the other girls, you answer these questions to them yourself, and then you ask these questions to the other girls.
1. What did you think when you realized what had hapened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
The last thing you need to teach all the girls and yourself is how to apologize.
For Example:
........, May I apologize?
yes,
May I apologize for:............? (Name what it is.)
(If apology is accepted Yes, I accept your apology, or no, depends on sincerity.)
The offender Asks: Do you need anything?
The offended one: Reiterates what was said in the agreement or adds soemtthing else needed.
The session is ended with a handshake or hug.
Good luck.
D.
Resource guide: www.iirp.edu
Updated
Hi, K.:
I understand your dilemma. Give the mother some time to clear her own feelings. Then you too can restore your friendship, if she is a compassionate person.
When you get the girls next time, call a circle dialogue and ask these questions to the visiting girls whose behavior is upsetting to you.
They need to learn that their behavior is affecting you and others. What ever occurs, follow the same procedure.
For example:
In the circle, you start of by saying that you were upset about witnessing them going over to anothe table and turning their back on your girls.
Ask each of the offending parties these questions
1. What happened?
2. What were yoou thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In wat way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?
You and the other girls, you answer these questions to them yourself, and then you ask these questions to the other girls.
1. What did you think when you realized what had hapened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
The last thing you need to teach all the girls and yourself is how to apologize.
For Example:
........, May I apologize?
yes,
May I apologize for:............? (Name what it is.)
(If apology is accepted Yes, I accept your apology, or no, depends on sincerity.)
The offender Asks: Do you need anything?
The offended one: Reiterates what was said in the agreement or adds soemtthing else needed.
The session is ended with a handshake or hug.
Good luck.
D.
Resource guide: www.iirp.edu
no advice, just that i feel for you, and it's tough,
If your kids aren't complaining and letting you know that they are noticing, then no one on here should make you feel like you are picking your friend over your kids. It maybe that your kids are growing apart from these friends too. that does happen.
it's always hard after a long day, and while it does sort of seem like your friend had an inkling you probably did blindside her a bit, but it will probably come down to her being worried about the child care part. so you need to decide how to handle that.
Is there a compromise to that part of it??
wouldyou be willing to still do it if the girls shaped up??
i guess those are the things i'm thinking of as i try to put myself in her shoes.
