Double Standard - Hoffman Estates,IL

Joe and his fiance are probably thinking, "Whew, I'm glad my cousin Lucky doesn't put us in uncomfortable situations like Ali and Sarah!"

I would still attend the wedding with the satisfaction that I let the day be about the bride and groom and not about me. Double standards will always exist, but I don't feel like this is one fighting over.

I would go and play by the original rules and not bring my kids. I think they will look silly being there with their kids when the invitation specifically asked for adults only.

You know, I would just play by the original rules and go without the kids. It will be cheaper for you to just travel by yourself, and you can enjoy the reception without having to listen to your own kids whine.

Just because Ali threw a fit doesn't mean you should. She is probably already on your cousin's sh*t list. And I'll bet your cousin's bride-to-be is none too pleased with her.

If you don't think you can go to the wedding and enjoy yourself without your kids, then by all means, just send your regrets and get them a nice wedding gift. But I wouldn't make an issue about the kids not being invited. That will cause hard feelings.

OMG, I love it when an invite says not kids... my excuse to tell them I just can't take them. I wouldn't give a gosh darn if others take their kids and ignoring the wishes of the bride and groom. Some people are selfish like that. I would bask in the chance to fly somewhere and have a mini vacation. Even so, if you really want to pay the extra money to take the family as well, take them and let your husband take the kids out while you do the wedding. Sometimes if the family is really close (or really bratty, concessions will be made). Go to the wedding if you really want and ignore what others decide to do. You could always shake your head at them in disapproval of not caring about the wishes of the bride and groom.

It's their wedding...that is their right! May not be fair, just or nice or the proper thing to do...but it is what it is.

ETA: I get it now...yeah no the cousins or at least the one who threw a fit...no right at all.

This is so not owrth a family feud! Your cousins are being rude, but there's nothing you can do about it. The bride and groom are probably not thrilled about the whole children thing - but they probably also feel trapped. WEddings are expensive and unless you can truly afford a gift that would cover the cost of your kids at the reception just leave it alone. Honestly, you can have a much better time not having to look after your kids - so consdier it a small get-away and don't allow it to raise your blood pressure. Take satisifacation that you are being appropriate and not-rude while this other branch is. The bride & groom are silently thanking all of the other guests like you.

What gives them the right? It is their wedding. They can invite whomever they wish.

You should just go to the wedding without your children and enjoy yourself. Your cousins are being rude by insisting that they be allowed to bring their children. You don't need to be rude as well by refusing to attend just because they forced the issue.

Why would you want to stoop to Ali's tantrum-throwing level and have your own fit about how you're going to stay home if you don't get the same deal as she did? Why deny yourself an adult party because she's denying herself one, just to prove that you can be on an equal footing with her? This is one case where I wouldn't want to be treated the same as special Ali!

Have a ball without kids there and shake your head pityingly as Ali chases her children around and has her good time ruined by having to corral and shush her kids at an adults-only event. But don't offer to help with the kids during the reception. Maybe it's mean of me, but I find myself thinking that if she was that insistent on bringing them she will have to cope with them.

One other thought: Are you absolutely sure the kids will be at the reception? Sometimes arrangements get made for younger kids to be cared for in a hotel room at the same hotel as a reception, or in another room at a party facility, etc. Maybe that's what's happening -- IF Ali and Sarah are smart enough to think about it in advance and arrange it.

It sounds like your anger is over deeper and bigger things than this one reception. You mention that their side of the family is treated better than -- well, better than you are, and this has happened before. So isn't that really the larger issue, not this one event? Do you really crave having your own kids there so much because it would be a special event for the kids and you'd adore having them along, or is this about "Ali and Sarah get their way yet again"? Let it go. You can have that extra drink if you want while they get the cold stares from the other guests and have to take the kids out of the room because they're acting up.

If they are hell-bent on doing something inappropriate, let them. It will come back on them, not on you.

There's a reason people don't want little kids at wedding receptions. They get tired, overstimulated, they cry, run around like maniacs, spill things....often there is alcohol at receptions, which is fine. For ADULTS.

I simply can't imagine taking my kids to a reception in which it was specifically stated that it was for adults only. I think that if you're of the mind that you won't go anywhere that your kids can't go, you should gracefully decline the invitation. I don't mean "YOU", I mean people in general.

By the same token, you have every right not to attend because you think others bringing their kids isn't proper. You could have a boycott, of sorts, but I think you should go, as planned, have a great time, and let the others deal with the consequences of their actions.

Just my opinion.

My niece went through this with a "friend" - threats about "I'm bringing my kids no matter what you say, I don't want your sitter, my kids go everywhere with me." It was a nightmare. The bride and groom have every right to have an adults-only reception, and to expect them to pay a babysitter and order a bunch of children's meals for kids in another room is really ridiculous. I think the arrogance of telling people what kind of a party we think (or insist) that they have is unacceptable.

That said, a hospitable host will often find out how many people might want babysitting at the hotel, or provide a list of babysitters for those who want to bring their kids and leave them at the hotel. All hotels have sitters they have worked with, but unless it's a destination wedding, the bride's family may have people they can recommend.

The fact is, most kids ABSOLUTELY HATE the stuff going on at the reception, and parents would rather not be policing their kids to make sure they aren't in the way on the dance floor, getting into people's unattended drinks, and so on.

In your case, I think the family is not firm in their decision and a lot of people are putting their foot down (feet down?) on stuff. It's now a big mess.

We ran into this same problem a few months ago. What furthered our upset was the fact that the bride & groom went out of their way to hire a babysitter for all the kids of the attendees.
My husband is very close to his cousin who was the one getting married and she was very upset that her request was not met by their other cousins. It was disrespectful to the bride & groom.
We actually had dinner with the bride & groom a month before the wedding and the issue was already being discussed and getting back to her. They were very unhappy with their cousins reactions.
Their cousins were complaining about kids not being able to go and were threatening not to attend because of it. One of the cousins who's young daughter was the flower girl was saying she does not leave her kids with just anyone and felt that it was unfair to make such a request when the family is so large and full of kids.
What gives them the right!? You are absolutely right! What gives them the right?
We just took a deep breath, found a sitter ourselves, and attended the wedding. Why punish the bride & groom.

Does it really matter their motives? It is infuriating, but you can't control what other people do or how they act. If they want to act like children and pitch a fit, that's their problem. And, if Joe is making concessions for them for acting that way, that's his problem to deal with.

You need to decide what's best for you and stay out of the drama. If it were me, I'd follow the "rules" and go by myself, as planned. I usually enjoy a wedding (or any adult-based event, for that matter) a lot more if I don't have to worry about my kids running around, anyway. If people ask why your kids aren't there, you tell them the truth - that you understood the invitation to read "adults only". Take pictures of them along so you can show them off.

It looks like they are adapting to avoid stress. If you want to bring your kids ask if it is okay.

I had this happen at a big formal party that was thrown by family...the rule was NO KIDS...period...none were invited across the board. It was an adult only event. It was made very very clear to everyone and I mean everyone that was invited. One cousin was determined that HIS son would be attending, no matter what he was told over and over by the hosts that he and his wife were invited and wanted at the party...his child was not invited along with the 30 other great nieces and nephews and great cousins, etc.

Know what, he and his wife showed up with their son in tow. Me being the snarky person I am...when I got around to visiting with his wife...I whispered in her ear in a horrified tone..."Oh my goodness, did your babysitter cancel?? How horrible for you to have to bring him when the hosts specifically said no children!!" Then it was her chance to look at me with a horrified look in her eyes and whisper back, "what do you mean no children were invited, my husband told me that (insert her child's name) WAS invited"....I whispered back, "no, he was told specifically that there were no children, we were all told not to bring our children, didn't you see the invitation??"

I got great glee out of watching her shoot daggers at her husband all night and look mortified that she was there following her child around when there were no other children there...and watch her toddler make scene after scene all evening...and watch her husband leave her to deal with him...and finally for her to leave said child with her husband and disappear, then HE had to deal with is own acting out child...while the rest of us partied like it was 1999, with no children. I had an extra drink after watching him get dagger looks from the host and hostess while his child wailed on the floor and he had to carry him off under one arm like a football to parts unknown to deal with...

Basically, it wasn't a wedding but a large formal family gathering...I played by the rules and had a wonderful time, without my kids there, to visit and have a few drinks with family and friends, eat a bit too much, dance a bit too much, and enjoy the event in the good graces of my host and hostess. I also got the side benefit of a floor show watching my disrespectful cousin deal with his child and his angry wife...he didn't have a very good time and was left in the bad graces of our hosts.

GO and follow the rules set out by the bride and groom...have a wonderful kid free (and husband free) time. The rest will work itself out in the wash and you might just get a the benefit of a free floor show like I did...;-)

Family drama. Got to love it or NOT.

I think since it is not your wedding it is not your problem. I would spend my energy and time thinking of other things and not give this situation another thought.

I have been to a wedding were some uncultured family guests thought it was a great idea to bring their kids anyway and they were asked to leave and their kids were not permitted inside the reception and that was that. Yes there was a feud over this for years to come but the invitation was very clear and if they didn't want the drama they should have not come if they couldn't find care for the kids.

You go and have a great time but keep above the family drama and out of the whirlwind that comes with it.

if you want your kids with you, bring them. bring your husband too. then, if confronted, say,oh i heard so and so are bringing their kids and i though that has changed. huh. it hasn't? aww sorry, didn't know.
:)

They don't have the right, but it's not your problem. I can see being annoyed, but there's nothing you can do to stop them, and it's not your event, and you won't have to cough up the extra money for their presence....just make sure you're not trapped into babysitting the little angels and it should be a wash. :)

I can kind of understand the one who's standing in the wedding, because she can't "not" show up and she may have extenuating circumstances or whatever. I do not condone, but can see, how the other decided "well if she's bringing her kids, I'll bring mine". What people don't get is that kids don't LIKE weddings. Not many children enjoy being dressed in stuffy formal clothes, sitting still, being quiet, being bored while adults do adult stuff, and then staying up past their bedtime or missing nap but expected to act like little angels. So why NOT just make arrangements? There's a few options that I would take if in this situation (not just for you, but for the other women involved as well):
#1 would be that my whole family takes the road trip (you said it's driving distance), and we do our own thing. When it's time for me to get ready for the wedding, husband can take the kids to the park, Chuck E Cheese, a movie, "whatever" there is to do around there. The invention of the internet, combined with the wonder of mapquest and gps, make this so doable. While family is in town for the wedding, if there's someone your family would like to spend time with (a grandma, aunt, whatever), take advantage of being in the same town and do something with them as a family before or after the wedding hoopla.
#2 would be that even though the bride/groom are busy, there must be someone there that can give you a reference for a good babysitter (or sittercity.com) and you could even SHARE a sitter with the other wedding kids. I have done this before, through sittercity.com, so that you could know that the sitter was prescreened, had the background checks, you could read their references, read their little blurb about themselves, talk to them on the phone. Then all can go to the wedding (the weddings I have attended in the past were just a few hours, max...not much different than going on date night or whatever).
#3 What you're doing: father stays home and watches the kids and you just go up there alone.

THIS kind of b.s. is why we semi-eloped and only took mom, dad, brother, 1 aunt, and BEST friend to our wedding. Blech. Don't just assume that the bride/groom are ok with the way these other 2 are acting. They could be aggravated, stressed out, concerned about how these kids will change the "vibe" of the reception, you don't necessarily have any idea how they are feeling about this. They may be giving in, grudgingly, because they feel that noone will listen to them anyway, or they can't control the situation without a family feud, but that doesn't make them happy with it or mean it's a double standard. It just means you have the class to go with what was requested of you for this party.

Its rude for them to think they are intitled and I would be so embarassed if I received an invite that said no kids and they brought there kids! I have only ever been to one wedding where they asked no kids. I was embarassed for the woman who brought her infant baby to the wedding while no one seemed to mind and it had nothing to do with the budget (no seating, no need to feed) it was requested by the bride and groom this is how there special day was suppose to be. I would just think they had poor judgement and thought they felt entitled some what spoiled to think the rules did not apply to them. I am sure under the pressure you just want your day to go smoothly and you get tried of fighting with guests that dont agree this is the way you wanted things. Just be embarassed for there poor manners and lack of judgemnt and respect for the bride and groom.

"If you are trying to be fair why not be equal across the board?"
They aren't trying to be fair...they are trying to get the cry baby sisters and their families off their backs. Stay out of it, be the bigger and better person and respect the wishes of the B&G. They will be forever grateful if you let this go without causing any further headaches for them :) Going to a wedding and being able to let your hair down and have some adult fun without the kids sounds like fun...have a great time!

I was in this situation too. I thought if I was an out of town guest, and I can't find a baby-sitter, I should have been able to bring my two kids. I refused to go to a wedding alone, because that is no fun when everyone else is coupled up. My cousin got to bring her kids, but I ended up not going to the wedding. I didn't care and they were shocked that I didn't go. My mom told my aunt what happened, and she said that I could have brought the kids to the wedding. Now they tell me. But that's what I did...I didn't go.

Let them be the talk of the wedding. I don't get people who act like they can't be away from their kids for anything. Leave the damn kids at home, enjoy the time away with other adults and watch the fallout when your cousins show up with their kids. This will be the topic of conversation for years to come if you bring your kids. It's not fair, but when it's not your wedding, you don't get to decide what's fair. Let the bride and groom deal with these wedding crashes.

They do NOT have the right. They are being rude and inconsiderate to the bride and groom, and the bride/groom have decided to be "bigger people" and make the best of their ignored wishes.
That's it.
I can't speak to any other issues with "that side of the family" being treated differently because you haven't given any examples. And frankly, even if you did, what is is what is, and you can't dictate how other people behave. Only how YOU behave. It sounds like you are behaving like a respectful, considerate guest. Your cousin (Ali) however, is not.

Don't take it personally, because it isn't about you, at all. This is solely about your cousin (Joe) deciding it is less stressful for him/his bride, to not insist on their wishes in this case. Even though, they shouldn't HAVE to insist---Ali should follow the invitations and be happy. She apparently chose to throw a fit and make EVERYONE uncomfortable. So Joe is trying to calm it down and enjoy his wedding. His bride is now privy to exactly how selfish and inconsiderate cousin Ali is.
Welcome to the family. ;)

I was just recently in a wedding that was an 8 hour drive away. I was the only person in the wedding party that lived out of state, so I think I was left out of the lop on a lot of communication. The bride hadnt intended on sending invites to the wedding party, I had to ask her for one. Two weeks before the wedding I got the invite and noticed the "adult only reception" part. When I asked her why she didnt tell me that, she said she didnt think I was bringing my kids. I too felt an exception should have been made for people traveling from out of state, especially if you are close family or in the wedding party. It definetly would have been a factor in my decision to make the trip at the great expense. I think you should clarify with the bride.