42 answers

Don't Want Another Child, Husband Does

There is no denying that I had a very bad pregnancy with my child. I was on bed rest for the second half of it, in terrible pain without relief, and doped up on pain killers, which did little. My husband was very angry about this. I think he saw it as me holding him back from having fun and enjoying the nice weather. It was emotionally and physically the worst experience of my life. On top of that, his family showed no interest in how I was feeling and acted almost like "vultures" when it came to the way they just couldn't seemingly wait to get their hands on my yet to be born child. I barely know my husband's family and I was deeply hurt that not only did they never once call or email to see how I was feeling, but I had a very complicated pregnancy and they still didn't ever call once to see how I was feeling, yet, they expected fully to be there the day of the birth. When I told my husband that I was not comfortable with that as I was going to be having a c section and I did not want people who I did not have a relationship with coming into my room after a major surgery, I was accused of being extremely selfish. I eventually relented. His family was unable to make it, though, as the date of the birth was changed and it was not a convenient time for them to come. That was God looking out for me because the c section went terribly and there were several complications. I was in the hospital longer than normal and because I had been on so much pain medication during the pregnancy, I did not respond to the pain meds when I needed them most. My husband stayed with me in the hospital and seemed extremely annoyed by the pain I was in. The first night, they even had to bring the crash cart in. It was so hurtful to me that when I said, "I can't ever go through this again" while I had a team of four medical staff hooking me up to all sorts of thing, frantically trying to figure out what was wrong, my husband heaved in complete annoyance and said something along the lines of, "I know!" in a tone that showed complete anger that I was not going to be giving him another child. I have never felt so alone as I did during my pregnancy and that birth. On top of that, my husband seemed to feel throughout the pregnancy that he had 100% authority on what the name of the child would be. First, middle and last all stemmed from his family. When I protested he would scream at me, slam doors, and again call me selfish.

Our daughter is now nearly a year old. My husband seems to feel some remorse for his behavior and he is definitely being nicer to me, but for me, I am in daily pain when I think back on that time. I refer to myself as a "vessel" to him and his family. I feel like my body has been completely disrespected, much less me as a human being. Because of the complications of the c section, I live in daily pain. My mother had very difficult pregnancies and almost died in childbirth twice, and perhaps my body just wasn't made to do this? Regardless, I am so happy and blessed and in love with my child. The pain starts to come up again when my husband makes casual comments (and sometimes not so casual) about having another child. I have now lived in daily pain for almost two years of my life. He says, "they say you will forget..." and maybe I will put it behind me, but I again just feel like I am nothing but a vessel. He witnessed that pain, and from it came a beautiful child. I just feel again like the theme of his feelings for me are, no respect. If he really loved me why would he want me to suffer like that again (and I am told the next time around would be worse from the doctors who have been dealing with this)? That isn't fair to me or to the child we have. I just feel deeply, deeply hurt and at times overwhelmed with anger and bitterness. Wouldn't I love another child someday too if I had a wife to bear one for me? Having another child is simply not a realistic option for me. Not only would I not be able to adequately take care of my current child during that time, but we are not talking about a painful labor and then that's it. I just think it is terribly hurtful for my husband to say anything about another child. I have told him how I feel and he seems just very....very angry and annoyed with all of it. I told him that we could maybe save for a surrogate and he said that was for "lazy" women. I just feel so disrespected. By him, by his family....I feel so uncared for. Even if he and his family showed more respect, I know that physically carrying another child is simply not an option. It isn't about bucking it up and being selfless and strong. I know my limitations. This last pregnancy and childbirth and complications from the birth have all but destroyed me. I am only 30 years old and I feel like I am living in an 85 year old's body. I know this is not "normal" and I feel so inadequate and weak. I do. But I can't help it. I am just so hurt. So very hurt.

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From what I have read, I strongly feel that you need to take a good hard look, not at the possibility of having another baby to please your husband, but at whether or not you even want to remain in this marriage?? If you do, I definately see that you and your husband have some serious work to do through counseling. Adjusting to the life changes of having a new baby can be challenging on a marriage in even the best of circumstances.

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Hi M., I don't want to add to your pain but your husband sounds like a dreadful man and you are just a baby making machine for him, and he has no thought for you.

If he is that angry and annoyed at you then I think you should take your child and separate from your husband for a time. Are you being verbally or mentally abused? I think not only your hard pregnancy and childbirth have all but destroyed you.....your husband's harshness has too.

You are NOT inadequate! You went through a lot to get your baby here. Your husband needs to get a clue and learn to love and respect his wife!
A previous poster's quote disturbed me. She said, "Don't be so hard on your man. He's a man after all". That is NOT how normal men act. I got pregnant on my honeymoon and had a horrible pregnancy, delivery and postpartum experience and my husband NEVER treated me with such disrespect.

Please, please, talk to a counselor. You need professional advice not opinions from moms that tell you to suck it up and think positive. This is a real problem and I hope you find peace and happiness.

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Hi M.,
Stay strong and know that you are blessed! At this point, you have to do what is best for you. He is being really selfish right now, and he does not understand what it is like to go through what you have been through. He did not carry a child...you did. Often times we try to follow the footsteps of others, and that can be dangerous. The best thing that I can tell you is to hold on to your faith and it will carry you through. It will keep you. I have two children and I experienced pre-term labor with both of them. I also had a miscarriage,so please trust me when I say take your time and heal. You need tender, love and care and if he cannot see that then that's on him. This is not about anger, this is about taking your health and situation seriously, otherwise you will need to really look at where you all stand. Many times people underestimate the effects of health issues, but they really can be taxing and draining on the mind, body and spirit. Please just take it easy and enjoy life! Try to talk with him and see what happens.

Happy Holidays!

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I'm so sorry M.. I haven't read the other responses. I have to say from your description, it sounds like your marriage needs a little help. I think you two should go to counseling b/4 you even discuss another child. I don't blame you for not wanting another after what you've been through, especially after how poorly it sounds like your husband treated you. I think if you have another child, especially if it's as difficult of a pregnancy & delivery for you, & more especially if your husband is still so disrespectful, that you will end up resenting him. If you go down that road, I think it may end in divorce. I really recommend some marriage counseling first to resolve the issues of why he was disrespectful, then address the 2nd child issue later. Good luck!

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I think his total lack of respect for you probably added to the horrible physical pain. You don't seem to actually love this man and if you were married to some loving person you actually might have had a good experience despite the difficulties of your pregnancy and birth. I'm not sure why you are hanging on to a man who is emotionally abusive to you like that, so I can't say more than that you should empower yourself. He didn't even listen when you said you can get a surrogate. Why do women think they are allowed to be treated this way? Your daughter is beautiful to you. You definitely love her. Why will you subject her to a lifetime of a man who thinks so little of women. If you are going to stay with him it is good you do not want more children. And do not permit him to be this way. Use your strength and anger to let him know that you will no longer tolerate his abusive treatment. The man might not be hitting you but he sounds terribly abusive. And his family created this. ARe you going to want your daughter raised like this? Tell him like it is. You do not want more children, period. Let him know that you have your strength and if you are going to remain married things will change. He is the selfish one and I am feeling very angry towards him right now. God sent him a gift in you and your baby and he is throwing it away before he gets to enjoy it.grr..

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Wow M., thank you for sharing your story. It's obvious you really needed to get this out, and I'm glad you did so. I think there is a lot broken in your relationship with your husband right now, and the last thing you should be dealing with is being pressured to have another child. I think your relationship needs a lot of work before you should even consider it, and you need time once the relationship healing has hopefully begun to heal yourself too- both physically and emotionally. I think this goes way deeper than just the physical pain and difficulties you had to deal with.

Being just a vessel might work for some women and maybe is accepted in certain cultures, but it is apparent your needs were not being met by your husband or his family and that is just really really sad to hear. Men are men, but even if they sometimes don't "get" the physical or emotional weight that comes with pregnancy and being a mom, it sounds like your husband has a complete lack of respect for your feelings or opinions and YOU- that is a HUGE problem in my opinion. I'm sorry you received no support and trying to stand up for yourself was met with anger and got you called selfish. It is far from selfish to want input in the name of your child, who can be there for the birth, and when to perhaps try for another baby.

Really, I urge you to look into counseling for you firstmost, and also your husband. You have a lot of things to work out with each other and I hope it will be a way for you to reach some sort of understanding. It is important for your relationship, and also very important for your daughter and any future babies you might have that you and your husband respect one another and are partners in life and parenting. If you can not reach a healthy place together, I do think it would be best to get you and your daughter away from the toxic relationship. As for the physical healing, I'm thinking it might come along with the emotional healing, but if not I also hope you'll look into some help to figure out how to get you back to feeling your actual age again.

I wish you a lot of luck and hope better days are ahead for you.

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Dear M.,
It sounds to me like you are still overwhelmed from the whole experience of the difficult pregnancy and recovery and the demands of being a new mom. Instead of focusing so much energy on all of this negative stuff and on things you cannot control, like your in laws, ect. you need to figure out why your body hasn't yet recovered and get yourself some exercise and give yourself some time to get used to being a mother. I have had 2 difficult pregnancies, 2 c-sections and no help from any family members or friends. Yes it was difficult. Recovery from the first surgery seemed to take a very long time. Yoga really helped. I didn't think I would ever want to have another child after the first pregnancy. But after time to heal and time to get used to being a mother, I was longing for another baby in a very real way. Every pregnancy is different. I had completely different issues the second time. But because I knew what to expect and knew that it would tough, the whole thing was actually easier the 2nd time. The surgery was a breeze and I was home in 2 days.
No one prepares women for the demands of being a mother. It's always about the children. You'll have to just get over not having the world revolve around you anymore. And I'm not trying to sound mean at all. It's a tough fact to accept. Suddenly your entire life revolves around the child and your old life is gone. Trust me: once the shock of all of that wears off, you might feel differently about having a sibling for your child to grow up with. Don't be so hard on your husband. He's a man, after all. And his family is obviously very important to him. You too! He chose you to be the mother of his child and I'm sure he loves you deeply. Men don't understand the emotions that we go through having a child. Their lives barely change! My husbAnd still goes out drinking with his friends til all hours of the night and I had to beg him for a year to have a 2nd child! Be greatful for what you have. Don't dwell so much on what you don't.

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From what you have written this is not about a second child it is entirely about feeling seen, loved, and respected by your husband. A second child will not bring you those things. I recommend that you find a good marital therapist and agree to stick with sessions for a year until you revisit another child.
You sound so unhappy and your marriage sounds sad.

We've been there and it works!

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