There is no denying that I had a very bad pregnancy with my child. I was on bed rest for the second half of it, in terrible pain without relief, and doped up on pain killers, which did little. My husband was very angry about this. I think he saw it as me holding him back from having fun and enjoying the nice weather. It was emotionally and physically the worst experience of my life. On top of that, his family showed no interest in how I was feeling and acted almost like "vultures" when it came to the way they just couldn't seemingly wait to get their hands on my yet to be born child. I barely know my husband's family and I was deeply hurt that not only did they never once call or email to see how I was feeling, but I had a very complicated pregnancy and they still didn't ever call once to see how I was feeling, yet, they expected fully to be there the day of the birth. When I told my husband that I was not comfortable with that as I was going to be having a c section and I did not want people who I did not have a relationship with coming into my room after a major surgery, I was accused of being extremely selfish. I eventually relented. His family was unable to make it, though, as the date of the birth was changed and it was not a convenient time for them to come. That was God looking out for me because the c section went terribly and there were several complications. I was in the hospital longer than normal and because I had been on so much pain medication during the pregnancy, I did not respond to the pain meds when I needed them most. My husband stayed with me in the hospital and seemed extremely annoyed by the pain I was in. The first night, they even had to bring the crash cart in. It was so hurtful to me that when I said, "I can't ever go through this again" while I had a team of four medical staff hooking me up to all sorts of thing, frantically trying to figure out what was wrong, my husband heaved in complete annoyance and said something along the lines of, "I know!" in a tone that showed complete anger that I was not going to be giving him another child. I have never felt so alone as I did during my pregnancy and that birth. On top of that, my husband seemed to feel throughout the pregnancy that he had 100% authority on what the name of the child would be. First, middle and last all stemmed from his family. When I protested he would scream at me, slam doors, and again call me selfish.
Our daughter is now nearly a year old. My husband seems to feel some remorse for his behavior and he is definitely being nicer to me, but for me, I am in daily pain when I think back on that time. I refer to myself as a "vessel" to him and his family. I feel like my body has been completely disrespected, much less me as a human being. Because of the complications of the c section, I live in daily pain. My mother had very difficult pregnancies and almost died in childbirth twice, and perhaps my body just wasn't made to do this? Regardless, I am so happy and blessed and in love with my child. The pain starts to come up again when my husband makes casual comments (and sometimes not so casual) about having another child. I have now lived in daily pain for almost two years of my life. He says, "they say you will forget..." and maybe I will put it behind me, but I again just feel like I am nothing but a vessel. He witnessed that pain, and from it came a beautiful child. I just feel again like the theme of his feelings for me are, no respect. If he really loved me why would he want me to suffer like that again (and I am told the next time around would be worse from the doctors who have been dealing with this)? That isn't fair to me or to the child we have. I just feel deeply, deeply hurt and at times overwhelmed with anger and bitterness. Wouldn't I love another child someday too if I had a wife to bear one for me? Having another child is simply not a realistic option for me. Not only would I not be able to adequately take care of my current child during that time, but we are not talking about a painful labor and then that's it. I just think it is terribly hurtful for my husband to say anything about another child. I have told him how I feel and he seems just very....very angry and annoyed with all of it. I told him that we could maybe save for a surrogate and he said that was for "lazy" women. I just feel so disrespected. By him, by his family....I feel so uncared for. Even if he and his family showed more respect, I know that physically carrying another child is simply not an option. It isn't about bucking it up and being selfless and strong. I know my limitations. This last pregnancy and childbirth and complications from the birth have all but destroyed me. I am only 30 years old and I feel like I am living in an 85 year old's body. I know this is not "normal" and I feel so inadequate and weak. I do. But I can't help it. I am just so hurt. So very hurt.
From what I have read, I strongly feel that you need to take a good hard look, not at the possibility of having another baby to please your husband, but at whether or not you even want to remain in this marriage?? If you do, I definately see that you and your husband have some serious work to do through counseling. Adjusting to the life changes of having a new baby can be challenging on a marriage in even the best of circumstances.
Hi M., I don't want to add to your pain but your husband sounds like a dreadful man and you are just a baby making machine for him, and he has no thought for you.
If he is that angry and annoyed at you then I think you should take your child and separate from your husband for a time. Are you being verbally or mentally abused? I think not only your hard pregnancy and childbirth have all but destroyed you.....your husband's harshness has too.
You are NOT inadequate! You went through a lot to get your baby here. Your husband needs to get a clue and learn to love and respect his wife!
A previous poster's quote disturbed me. She said, "Don't be so hard on your man. He's a man after all". That is NOT how normal men act. I got pregnant on my honeymoon and had a horrible pregnancy, delivery and postpartum experience and my husband NEVER treated me with such disrespect.
Please, please, talk to a counselor. You need professional advice not opinions from moms that tell you to suck it up and think positive. This is a real problem and I hope you find peace and happiness.
It sounds to me like you are still overwhelmed from the whole experience of the difficult pregnancy and recovery and the demands of being a new mom. Instead of focusing so much energy on all of this negative stuff and on things you cannot control, like your in laws, ect. you need to figure out why your body hasn't yet recovered and get yourself some exercise and give yourself some time to get used to being a mother. I have had 2 difficult pregnancies, 2 c-sections and no help from any family members or friends. Yes it was difficult. Recovery from the first surgery seemed to take a very long time. Yoga really helped. I didn't think I would ever want to have another child after the first pregnancy. But after time to heal and time to get used to being a mother, I was longing for another baby in a very real way. Every pregnancy is different. I had completely different issues the second time. But because I knew what to expect and knew that it would tough, the whole thing was actually easier the 2nd time. The surgery was a breeze and I was home in 2 days.
No one prepares women for the demands of being a mother. It's always about the children. You'll have to just get over not having the world revolve around you anymore. And I'm not trying to sound mean at all. It's a tough fact to accept. Suddenly your entire life revolves around the child and your old life is gone. Trust me: once the shock of all of that wears off, you might feel differently about having a sibling for your child to grow up with. Don't be so hard on your husband. He's a man, after all. And his family is obviously very important to him. You too! He chose you to be the mother of his child and I'm sure he loves you deeply. Men don't understand the emotions that we go through having a child. Their lives barely change! My husbAnd still goes out drinking with his friends til all hours of the night and I had to beg him for a year to have a 2nd child! Be greatful for what you have. Don't dwell so much on what you don't.
Wow M., thank you for sharing your story. It's obvious you really needed to get this out, and I'm glad you did so. I think there is a lot broken in your relationship with your husband right now, and the last thing you should be dealing with is being pressured to have another child. I think your relationship needs a lot of work before you should even consider it, and you need time once the relationship healing has hopefully begun to heal yourself too- both physically and emotionally. I think this goes way deeper than just the physical pain and difficulties you had to deal with.
Being just a vessel might work for some women and maybe is accepted in certain cultures, but it is apparent your needs were not being met by your husband or his family and that is just really really sad to hear. Men are men, but even if they sometimes don't "get" the physical or emotional weight that comes with pregnancy and being a mom, it sounds like your husband has a complete lack of respect for your feelings or opinions and YOU- that is a HUGE problem in my opinion. I'm sorry you received no support and trying to stand up for yourself was met with anger and got you called selfish. It is far from selfish to want input in the name of your child, who can be there for the birth, and when to perhaps try for another baby.
Really, I urge you to look into counseling for you firstmost, and also your husband. You have a lot of things to work out with each other and I hope it will be a way for you to reach some sort of understanding. It is important for your relationship, and also very important for your daughter and any future babies you might have that you and your husband respect one another and are partners in life and parenting. If you can not reach a healthy place together, I do think it would be best to get you and your daughter away from the toxic relationship. As for the physical healing, I'm thinking it might come along with the emotional healing, but if not I also hope you'll look into some help to figure out how to get you back to feeling your actual age again.
I wish you a lot of luck and hope better days are ahead for you.
I think his total lack of respect for you probably added to the horrible physical pain. You don't seem to actually love this man and if you were married to some loving person you actually might have had a good experience despite the difficulties of your pregnancy and birth. I'm not sure why you are hanging on to a man who is emotionally abusive to you like that, so I can't say more than that you should empower yourself. He didn't even listen when you said you can get a surrogate. Why do women think they are allowed to be treated this way? Your daughter is beautiful to you. You definitely love her. Why will you subject her to a lifetime of a man who thinks so little of women. If you are going to stay with him it is good you do not want more children. And do not permit him to be this way. Use your strength and anger to let him know that you will no longer tolerate his abusive treatment. The man might not be hitting you but he sounds terribly abusive. And his family created this. ARe you going to want your daughter raised like this? Tell him like it is. You do not want more children, period. Let him know that you have your strength and if you are going to remain married things will change. He is the selfish one and I am feeling very angry towards him right now. God sent him a gift in you and your baby and he is throwing it away before he gets to enjoy it.grr..
I'm so sorry M.. I haven't read the other responses. I have to say from your description, it sounds like your marriage needs a little help. I think you two should go to counseling b/4 you even discuss another child. I don't blame you for not wanting another after what you've been through, especially after how poorly it sounds like your husband treated you. I think if you have another child, especially if it's as difficult of a pregnancy & delivery for you, & more especially if your husband is still so disrespectful, that you will end up resenting him. If you go down that road, I think it may end in divorce. I really recommend some marriage counseling first to resolve the issues of why he was disrespectful, then address the 2nd child issue later. Good luck!
Stay strong and know that you are blessed! At this point, you have to do what is best for you. He is being really selfish right now, and he does not understand what it is like to go through what you have been through. He did not carry a child...you did. Often times we try to follow the footsteps of others, and that can be dangerous. The best thing that I can tell you is to hold on to your faith and it will carry you through. It will keep you. I have two children and I experienced pre-term labor with both of them. I also had a miscarriage,so please trust me when I say take your time and heal. You need tender, love and care and if he cannot see that then that's on him. This is not about anger, this is about taking your health and situation seriously, otherwise you will need to really look at where you all stand. Many times people underestimate the effects of health issues, but they really can be taxing and draining on the mind, body and spirit. Please just take it easy and enjoy life! Try to talk with him and see what happens.
OUCH! I am very sorry about the very difficult experience with your first pregnancy! I agree with the suggestions about counseling.
I also recommend the resources at www.birthlink.com as providing counseling by JoAnn Lindberg (she founded birthlink to give women more choices and provide resources for women).
It is a very personal decision to figure out the size of your family and your financial and emotional resources and what you can support. It takes time to decide what is appropriate for your household.
I encourage you to take the steps to support your health with doctors appointments to understand what is appropriate for your body to continue your healing!
My sister was blessed through the adoption of a child from South Vietnam, embraced and loved by her immediate and extended family. We celebrate her birthday and her adoption day.
mom of 3
Sounds like you could use an intermediary. Maybe look into counseling? From the way you describe him, I'd guess your husband is too proud for that so you can try sitting him down and making sure he understands you're having a very real and serious conversation.
Calmly and kindly explain to him what you're feeling and why you can't have more kids. And then when he talks, listen to what he's saying. You're absolutely right to stand your ground and feel hurt, but you should also remember that he has dreams too and it's hard to let dreams go when they're out of your control. He probably feels helpless and isn't handling the situation very well.
If the talk doesn't make things better, insist on seeing a marriage counselor. It's a difficult situation and having a professional guide you can be a big help.
Pregnancy and childbirth aside, if you love being a mother, then maybe a surrogate mother might be the answer for your family. Your husband needs some sensitivity sessions, and family counseling is needed for both of you. If pregnancy is a death sentence for you, he has no right to ask if of you. What he means about 'lazy' for a surrogate is he's cheap and doesn't want to pay for it. I'm not seeing a healthy future for you in remaining in this marriage.
Does he have a hefty life insurance policy on you or something? (Kidding!)
I think you both need counseling. Especially for you. You mention your Mother had difficult pregnancies & I wonder if hearing about that all your life didn't predispose you to feeling like your pregnancy would be difficult also.
So not to be too terribly rude, but I read your post and all I can think about is what a self-centered SOB your husband is. I know that pregnancy and labor can be tough on a man too (my husband didn't handle it great, but was nothing compared to yours), but it sounds like he almost lost you and doesn't even seem to care! If I were you I would not have another child, it does not sound safe for you to have any more children. Have you tried talking to a therapist? I wish you the best of luck and I think you deserve someone who loves and supports you always.
I think the two of you should get professional help to move you past this unfortuante time. I think that it would help you to come to terms with what you feel was done to you, and it might help him realize how real your fears/feelings are. Don't rule out another baby so soon. You daughter is only one, and you have plenty of time to decide. I am sure that your second pregnancy would not be as tough, or you could look into adoption. They grow up very fast, whatever your decision is in the future, enjoy every minute with your daughter and try to let go of bad feelings. They are not good for you. Good Luck
I think you have some serious decision making to do. No woman should ever be bullied into having another child. I had a difficult first pregnacy and an even worse second. I chose to have the second one. Some women are just not made to have easy pregnancies. You must accept what your body is telling you. Do not have a second child if you think you are not able. It is not fair to you or the current child you have. Personally I would not tolerate a man who thinks of me as a "vessel" and who does not have MY best interests in mind. Your husband has no control over the bad behavior of his family but he is certainly responsible for his own actions. You have every right to feel angry. You need to stand up for yourself, your child and your health. What kind of a message is your husband sending to your daughter? What advice would you give your daughter if she came to you with the same dilemma? Please put yourself first.
I just want to cry for you. I am so sorry for your experience, but more for what you live with now. I think you need to look very hard at all aspects of your marriage and your husbands love and respect for you. Maybe you feel as if you are living in an old body because the energy around you is aging you. I know there must be a reason you married him, but from this story it is hard to tell. You are NOT LAZY to want to go through all it would take to have another woman carry your child (especially knowing how your husband and in-laws will treat you through it all) WOW! I would call that INCREDIBLY BRAVE! You have a daughter. What would you say to her if you reread your story in her voice. Imagine she wrote this story to you...what would your advice to her be? Treat yourself with the ideals and love you would want for you baby girl. Find strength and comfort and peace.
I am sorry but your husband is not a compassionate person. It seems he only cares about what his family thinks. I am older then you and have been through so much in my life and through experience people don't change. I will give you some advvice someone told me once, put some money aside for yourself and don't let him know. You may need it for a rainy day if you know what I mean. I really hope your okay I feel for you. Take care A.
I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did with your first child. It sounds to me like you may be suffering from depression. A difficult labor and a lack of a strong support network puts you at risk for postpartum depression. I think the best thing for you right now would be to see someone that specializes in this area. I went through a situation similar to you and I did need to go to therapy for almost a year after my daughters birth. Your husband and his family have been draining you of what precious little energy you may have. You need to care for yourself so that you can care for your beautiful daughter. If you need a recommendation for a therapist please let me know. I wish you well and hope that this helps.
I am writing to express to you my sympathy and support. I am so sorry you are having to suffer in this way. I think we women do a lot of work, in more ways than one, that our husbands/families never realize, and we have to just do it and not be appreciated for it or rewarded for it. It is so hard to suffer from a husband who doesn't understand the pain you are in, physically and emotionally, and makes no effort to change his ways to help you out a bit. There is the chance that he really does feel for you, and is using the "annoyance" and "disrespect" to mask his feeling of helplessness of not being able to make things better for you, etc. That doesn't make it any easier for you, but it does make it more understandable. I don't have any advice about what you should do or not, but just know that you are not the only woman suffering from these kinds of things, and you do have support, albeit via internet! I wish you the best.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through! Reading your story made me cry. I think it is important for you and your husband to see how you can work things out. It is SO important for you to feel loved and respected as a beautiful and important woman in your husband's life. He needs to treat you with respect. Maybe an outside person, like a counselor could help you both sort out your feelings. I wish you the best and I will be praying for your situation.
STOP FEELING INADEQUATE AND WEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Against all odds you produced a healthy and beautiful child. That is not from weakness! That is strength, perseverance, power, determination, LOVE. Be proud of yourself, as many others are proud of you.
You do not deserve the treatment you are getting from your husband. It is awful of him to not support you during your sacrifice for your family. He has taught you that you cannot count on him in trying times.
I had some back pain and difficulty sleeping during my second pregnancy. My doctor says I have complicated deliveries (I don't really thing so...). We decided not to have more children based on those very minor things!!! My sons were born healthy and are still thriving. SMALL POTATOES!
What your husband doesn't realize is that you may be willing to have another baby if he had been supportive and caring throughout your ordeal, but now you will never know.
I am sorry for you, and totally on your side.
I am so sorry to read your sad story. As others have said, there is much more going on here than having another child. Your husband sounds like a terrible human being - selfish and uncaring. He does not treat you in any way that a husband should treat a wife. He and his family sound absolutely toxic. I'm sure there is more to this story than what you've shared, so I probably don't have enough info to make such a pronouncement, but I think you and your daughter should get away from this man and his family. You deserve a peaceful life away from someone who does not seem to care for you at all.
I send you blessings and a wish for peace - the best of luck to you and your daughter!
Oh M., your pain comes through so clearly in your post. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I would highly recommend both couples counseling and individual counseling. Your daughter deserves a 100% happy (OK, that's a fantasy, but 80% happy?) mom. After your child, relieving your resentment and hurt should be your first priority. And if and when you would ever be ready for another child in your life, adoption is a truly amazing option. I adore my adopted daughter--she may as well have come right out of me!
Wow--your story really touches me. It sounds like you know what you need to do to take care of yourself, and you don't need to defend that decision. Just stand tall and strong in your choice to do what is best for you and your whole family, even if your husband doesn't understand. sincerely P.
I am sorry that you have to go thru this - but what your husband and his family have put you thru is considered abusive behavior. For him to say that you are being selfish - is totally self-centerd on his part. Given the fact that your first pregnancy was so difficult - I would find it hard to believe that your OB would even tell you that it's ok to go ahead with another pregnancy.
I would get counseling for myself - and seriously consider a divorce - if this man cannot step outside his own self-centered universe and see what you went thru the first time around. He doesn't care about how you feel - nor does his family. Make your mind up to stand your ground - and whenever it is brought up again - let him know that you love your daughter - however you have no intention of putting yourself, your body or your daughter thru another pregnancy of that nature. (because she would suffer thru it as well!) Don't let them bully you into it.
Seek counseling for yourself. id bet my life your husband will not go. im not going to tell you im sorry for saying that he is a basturd, because thats just what he is. DO NOT have a second child because he wants one...you clearly do not. DO NOT have a second child because of some obligation as a woman, its BS!!
let me just ask you this: If this was your daughters post, exact same words and emotions here,and she was seeking YOUR advice, what would YOU suggest SHE do?
thats your answer!
Thank God M., you lived through your difficult pregnancy. You are correct, in standing up for yourself, and explaning to your husband, that the pregnancy was extremely painful and you did not get any emotional support that you so much needed. Just think, if hubby and family didn't give any then, they won't the next time. And more importantly, it is about YOUR health. You know your limitations. Enjoy your little Angel.
you sound so hurt! my advice is to get some marriage counseling so that you two can work things out. i don't see how you can have a happy marriage when you are clearly feeling hurt and disresected. i think a certain measure of those feelings are normal, but your situation is much more intense. you owe it to yourself and your child to try to fix your marriage and i don't think you can do it alone, especially with your husband's attitude. and definitely don't let yourself get railroaded into having another child at your own expense.
best of luck to you.
I suggest you go in to some sort of Theraphy with your husband. I can not belive a loving man would act this way. It sounds like it was more his behavior then the pregnancy. If you decide to stay with this man and his fmaily perhaps adotion is a good choice? I am so sorry that you ahd to have such a terrible experiance!!
I agree with some of the other responses....divorce is what comes to my mind when reading this! No disrespect at all to you or your family. But this is just wrong. I mean aren't spouses supposed to be completely supportive and caring towards you in your time of need? You're right maybe your body just isn't meant to deal with pregnancy. Everyone's body reacts different to pregnancy. I was very sick with mine as well. But than there are some women who have absolutely no problems at all! I'm sure every woman wishes that they could be like that with no problems or complications but they can't! Your husband needs to understand that! And so do your in laws. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. But at least there's 1 blessing that came from this..your daughter!
Take care :)
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to say how sorry I was to read this. I did not have the greatest pregnancies, but nothing as bad as yours. I wish you the best in whatever choice you make. Just remember, there are tons of children in need of a parent!
Hi M. No disrespect but your husband and his family sound like a bunch of selfish jerks!!! If your doctors say it would be worse the next time, than don't risk it. And your husband should understand this. If something were to happen to you during childbirth, it would leave his child without a mother. And just the thought of his family caring for her is scary. Maybe you and your husband should seek some counseling on this matter. Having a surrogate is not a bad idea. Your husband needs to grow up and stop thinking about hiself.
My husband and I want more children (we have 3 now), and I think 6 is a good number for us. I've always wanted a big family. Pregnancy, though, is really hard! Your story affirms that.
While I'd like more than 6 kids, after age 35 I'm deciding now to have more, but I'd like to adopt at least one. That way, we can add to our family, but without the exhaustion of a pregnancy that would make it hard to care for the others.
Wow M., I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. Men have no concept of what a pregnancy does to a woman, but a good man at least tries to be understanding and empathetic. Your husband sounds like he has no interest in your emotional and physical needs. He has a right to desire another child -- especially if you two had discussed having more than one child before you married. But you are under no obligation to get pregnant again. I'd say you've more than paid your dues. You really have much bigger issues than trying to come to an agreement with your husband on whether or not to have more children. You might want to consider some kind of counseling (with our without him) to see if you really want to stay married to him. You've really been through the wringer, and it has only been a year since your daughter was born. I'd tell your husband that the discussion of having another child is off limits until you two can rationally discuss all the issues surrounding your pregnancy and the birth of your daughter. By the way, your in-laws sound dreadful. Good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace and relief soon.
You need positive support and I encourage you to get it. Call up the hospital where you delivered and ask for their social worker, they can give you references so that you can get the support you need. I am pretty sure that your husband even if suggested will not attend therapy sessions with you. Apologies for this next comment, it almost sounds like he is from the 1800's out on a farm somewhere and the woman needs to do the woman's job and just get on with it. He should have more respect for you, he should show more compassion, he should have feared for your life, comfort and happiness. He should be the solid support between you and everyone else including his family as he chose you to live his life with. I cannot suggest leaving someone, unless you feel strongly that the answer will be met with that action. I just feel that he needs to respect the life you carried and yours and not risk losing both his wife and his child's mother for the sake of another child, who may end up motherless. Please seek professional help as his behavior is abusive. Also the pain you feel may be intensified by the depression over this so please call your medical doctor and see if anti-depressants at least for a while would help.
First of all it is your body and you do not need to do anything you do not wish to do with it. That includes having another baby but let me share this with you. I did not quite go through what you went through but I said I did not want another baby after we had our son. My husband was agreeable but now that our son is 19 years old I think back and wonder why I really felt that way. Yes, i went through a little more than what I expected but I really feel that I might have been a little selfish by boldly saying I did not want another child.
My point is do you really want your daughter to be an only child or are you just needing more time to really consider both sides of the issue?
My husbands step mother is the biggest B---- you could ever meet. Very selfish and very self adsorbed but I would never let her sway my decision one way or the other. It is was my decision and I made it. My husband was very supportive but it sounds like your husband may be a little demanding and the long and short of it is, it is really up to you.
You both may want to seek out a counselor to speak to and see if you can come to a happy medium. You may see things different in a year and there is nothing wrong with 3 or 4 years between your children. Not having two in diapers is not a bad idea at all.
I dont know whatto say to you bc i cant even begin to imagine what you are going through. I do not think you are selfish. I think you would be selfish if you had another one and perhaps were left disabled to worse and your husband had to take care of 2 kids. etc. by himself. Whatever- I think he and his family need to take some classes on what is like to have a difficult pregnancy. I did but nothing like yours. We have one and I want more but my husband doesn't. We were goign to adopt but that wouldnt be good either if he really only wanted and knew his limitations- as beingthe fatehr of one. in retrospect( I am 39 now) I am glad we only had one. A happy healthy family is better then a crabby unhealthy pissed off all the time family.
From what you have written this is not about a second child it is entirely about feeling seen, loved, and respected by your husband. A second child will not bring you those things. I recommend that you find a good marital therapist and agree to stick with sessions for a year until you revisit another child.
You sound so unhappy and your marriage sounds sad.