Don't like Daughter's Friend

I think you have a wonderful opportunity here. Our children sometimes choose children for their friends who we wouldn't necessarily choose, but remember, they are six! There is learning possible for both the girls, and for you. I recently attended a high school graduation party for a young man who was quite wild as a little guy. When he visited I always had to put away toys that I didn't want damaged, and we had some really interesting chats about how to ask for things, and some of the words coming out of his mouth. He's grown up to be a lovely young man, off to college soon, very polite and engaging, and still quite a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

At the age of 6 they are so open to learning. Don't let the friend put you on the defensive. She is just trying to understand the differences between her family and yours. You can patiently explain why you love your house, why you enjoy the shows you enjoy. Don't put her choices down, just explain that people feel differently about these sorts of things. Have a sense of humor, "I know, I'm just a silly old mom who prefers Dora to Lady Gaga." It also sounds like she might have some attentional issues, so I wouldn't take her calling other friends or having a hard time finishing an activity personally. Let her know what your expectations are, "please don't run in the house," "let's try to finish playing this game before we start another," "your mother is coming at 3 so we don't have to call her now, let's do this until she comes." I think if she sees you as being on her side, she is more likely to learn some things from you.

I think I'd also consider what your daughter is getting out of this friendship. Your daughter might be letting you know that she is interested in more grown up things, and while Lady Ga Ga might not be the answer, maybe there are other teenage girls who she would be interested in watching that you would be more comfortable with. Little girls are always attracted to pretending to be grown-up, but help them both see that "grown-up" has many varieties.

Sometimes shy children are attracted to more outgoing kids. If this girl is truly mean to your daughter, you can help your daughter think about whether she really wants to pursue this friendship, but in the meantime, she could be experiencing this girl as alot of fun, as someone who is more comfortable acting in the world and there are good things about that. The friend might also really like your daughter even if she doesn't show it in the way that you think she should. Your daughter's sweetness and calm could be appealing to the friend. She might even be wanting the sort of limits there are in your home, even if she questions them. Girls like that are also sometimes good friends to have in order to meet other friends, especially if she reaches out to other children when they are together.

Hi D., listen cut her off now. If you daughter is shy and a follower, you do not want her hanging around this girl. At this age, this is a recipe for disaster. Are you a member of a church, get you daughter involved in groups at the church. Look for some free activities in your area, put her in dance. Look for things that will help her self esteem. This six year old sounds like a pistol and I would not want my daughter around a loaded gun!

I let my child have playdates with many children and I am pretty liberal with who comes over. However when the child arrives with the parent I let them know of house rules and that if rules are broken that I will need a cell number where they can be reached if the child needs to be picked up early. If a child doesn't want to obey the rules of our house, be respectful to adults and each other, no swearing, no inappropriate use of things and this includes age, share, be polite when asking, thankful when receiving, and understand that it will be 30 days before they can come again if they need to be sent home early. I do alot of interactive things with the kids while playdates are over so things don't usually get out of control. Most kids like coming because they know what to expect, have struture and get to do some fun things that many parents don't take time for these days. We cook, we do a treasure hunt, we build forts, we have "theater day", we read a book and then find dress up clothes or pieces of material and make costumes to go along with the story. I only have one child that couldn't live with the rules and her Mom and I agreed to disagree and see each other at school only. It's your house, don't worry about the social part, you want your daughter to have great friends who treat her well and she treats well not ones just to consume the time until something better comes along.

Start learning how now to JUST SAY NO!! Remember you are the parent, for a reason, at 6 she does not have the judgment abilities needed to make these oh so very important decisions, that's why God gave her parents, don't be afraid to be the parent! (I know it's hard!!) Here is some encouraging reading on the subject... http://www.bookschristian.com/se/product/books/Kendra_Smi...

Have a discussion with your daughter about what it means to be a good friend (and a good person). You don't have to name names at this point, just talk about the positive things a good friend with good manners does and says.

I have always done that, and now when I meet a new girl I don't like, I ask my daughter "why am I not thilled with Emily?". She'll think about it and say "she is disrespectful to adults" or "she lied to another friend".

Give them the skills to be selective, and they'll figure it out by themselves.

Your situation sounds SO much like my own. My daughter's six too, and has a friend that sounds a bit like this girl. The difference is, my daughter and this girl truly are two peas in a pod, they have a lot in common and can be great playmates. They just have to be steered in the right direction and not left to their own devices, and then it's mostly good. This friend has a cell phone, an ipod, a DS, ears pierced, wears bikinis, is all around more "worldly" and "exposed" to things my daughter is not, and I want very much to preserve my daughter's childhood and let her just be a child and innocent. But she is not mean to my daughter, she does not ignore her, she is not a fairweather friend, like you say this girl is with your daughter. They absolutely love each other. To me, it sounds like your problem here is fairly uncomplicated. Seek out friends that you want your daughter to be around and that will be good to your daughter.....don't invite this other girl over. If the mom asks, you could be truthful: they don't seem to be good playmates for each other. They've grown apart. You could just be direct and it doesn't have to be insulting to this other mother. The fact is, your daughter stands to be hurt in many ways by remaining buddies with this girl....you can prevent that. She deserves better friends.

I have the same problem. My little girl is 5 and beyond sweet and always giving in to everyone's ways (letting them take a couple of turns before her, letting them pick which toys they want to play with and yet they are hers, etc). Her little friend has gone from bad to worse in the last year but I have only let her see her maybe 5 times since last fall (we are "busy" or simply cannot make it) because I cannot tolerate this kid. Once was in our home but the other time was a bday party and a couple times at the park. I like to have play dates at the park because there u can usually find other kids to play with which means more of a chance of finding a nice one if the play date is a bad one. I like to get to know parents and kind of scope out for children that she may play and relate to comfortably. My little girl hardly watches TV (she just doesn't have much interest because I don't do it either), she's very innocent and naive as a 5 yr old should be (wouldn't know a bad word was a bad word if she heard it-I don't use those words) and is very tall (over 4 feet) so often at times the kids that are more interested in playing with her are much older which causes some awkwardness.

Just today we were at the park, and it was a bit later than we're used to so there weren't any other children there. As we were ready to leave, a family arrived with about 4 children and you could just see the joy in her face that she was going to "make a friend(s)" as she always says. She was in the sand box and so she put down her little bucket and headed over to the area where these children were and just kind of kept hanging out near them looking straight at them with a huge, friendly smile and the most adorable little pig tails (if I must say so myself) but these children (older, not so friendly) never even spoke to her. They didn't look like a very friendly bunch. My heart was broken as I watched so I suggested we get back on the swinging tire as we had played earlier and did say to her that it wasn't a good idea to follow strangers around if they weren't interested in playing with her. I also then just talked about what a great idea it would be to set up a fun play date for her to have a friend to play with some time soon. She was fine but later as we walked home she was just so quiet and sad and we talked about it some more.

One last note, I like to have play dates at the park and prefer that the other parent be present so that I don't have to feel responsible for this child that doesn't understand my rules per say. When something starts going bad, I remind my baby girl of our rules and limits (which she mostly follows) and or voice to the parent that whatever may be going on at the time (tantrum, inappropriate behavior) probably isn't a good idea (if it involves my child of course) and the parents often see it as a queue to maybe say something to their child out of embarrassment-hey whatever works!

Hi D.,
I wanted to add my tw cents. Everybody gave you a great advice on how to handle peers/friendship, etc. I just wanted to add that there is nothing wrong with a kid who has no friends for a while. My son can go months at times without a friend, we, adults/family are his best friends. Sometimes there are no "right" kids in the classroom or in the neighborhood to be friends with. I never worry about him not having a friend. We come to this world alone and leave it alone and it is our job by ourselves to learn to navigate it even if there is no one around to call friend. Tell your daughter to be picky about her friends. Not everyone deserves to be a friend. 6 years old is too young anyway to have any kind of meaningfull friendly relationship. Good luck!

At 6, you have more to say about who your daughter plays with than if she were 12. This is a perfect teaching opportunity. Make the decision now that you won't let your daughter play with this little girl anymore. Explain to your daughter that it is your job to protect from things that you feel may harm her body or emotions. Tell her that you have seen the other little girl say and do things that you feel aren't good for her which is why you won't let her come over anymore. Your 6 year old isn't old enough to have an adult conversation about the issue she only needs to be reminded that you love her and will protect her in anyway necessary. Do it now and be consistent with it so that your daughter can learn how to treat and be treated by a friend. When she's older she'll be strong enough to make good decisions on her own.

You don't mention how old your daughter is, but I am guessing she is young enough to have to listen to your rules. Tell her to dump the girl, she is not a real friend! I can tell by what you wrote that you probably have a hard time saying no to people and people take advantage of you. Your daughter will follow in your footsteps unless you teach her now, that true friends treat you with respect and thoughtfulness. Girls can be very cruel, it is important for your daughter to know that she can find other friends and should start looking for them. I always taught my children to be kind to everyone, but if you don't like the way someone is treating you it is ok to walk away from the friendship. You don't have to do it in a mean way, just stop inviting the girl over and invite someone else instead. C. M.

Well, she is only 6. I'd tell the little girl - and her parents - that if the little girl can't abide by your rules when she visits that she can no longer visit. I'd tell you your daughter that a real friend respects your house when they are there. Ask her if she has a friend and she is by her friends house and they don't want you to draw on the walls if she would do it anyway. She probably will say no and that will help her understand. Teaching her about boundaries in life will serve her well. I wish you the best.

D., Your going to have to step up and say something. I would start with your daughter. Talk to her first and say something along the lines of "these are the rules....." if your friend wants to come over then she has to follow the rules" the second talk needs to happen with the little girl. the next time she comes over there needs to be some rules laid down. first and foremost needs to be that your house is not a playground. you are not a peer but an adult and that in your house kids address you as mrs. that children do not question adults and that if she is not comfortable with the rules then don't have her back over. It is probably not really all her fault. if the parents in her home are allowing her to run the show then thats all she knows. But kids do adapt to the environment. If you lay down the law she will either follow or will be gone. and if she is gone the problem is gone. I personally would not allow lady gaga etc that kind of thing is how mini brittany spears happen. we didn't allow our kids to watch a lot of the "popular" things. but they all turned out ok. in fact our youngest is 14 this summer. he being allowed for the first time to rent "T" video games. Could be she will turn out to be a good kid once she knows your rules.
S.
ps: forgot something a rule we have had since my oldest (27 girl) was in grade school. Any question ever asked with a friend standing and staring up at me was an automatic no. they were not allowed to ask for anything with another kid either hanging on the phone or standing in the yard. My husband and I refused to be put on the spot. just a really good rule of thumb that another parent gave us when our daughter was little. saves a lot of arguments and headaches all the way around.

I highly recommend you stand firm with your values and household rules when your daughter's friend comes over - for example, "Because we don't. End of discussion,", "It's impolite to say that to your friend. How would you feel if she said something like that to you?" "You are not allowed to speak to me in that tone". I am telling you this from experience, because I was not exactly the best houseguest when I was a kid. Guess what happened? The moms told my moms about my conduct. They also corrected and reprimanded me when I crossed boundaries in their house. Ultimately, the girls with whom I wanted to be friends stopped inviting me over. It was a tough -- and embarrassing, considering I wasn't shown the right way at home - a situation I strongly suspect is happening with your daughter's friend -- way to learn how to act.

Rather than telling your daughter this kid is bad news, is there any way you can provide an environment in which her interests are shared? Are there church groups, Scouts, hobbies and activities through the Park District, private classes, those sorts of things? Most kids I know who are busy with gymnastics or dance or "green gardening" are pretty creative and respectful of their peers, parents and teachers. I know my daughter gets along best with other kids through "doing" physical structured activities.

Just a few suggestions. Best of luck to you!

The more you try to push them apart, the more you become the bad guy. When your daughter wants to arrange a play date, suggest a fun activity and say she can call her afterward. Delay, delay, delay... If she's having fun, she won't want to stop her activity to call. You could keep easy crafts on hand for these occasions. If the other girl calls, tell her your daughter is busy and that she will call her back later. In the meantime, you need to be proactive in finding new friends. Maybe dance classes, tumbling, or music classes will provide new friends. Get her involved in activities where she can find other kids with similar interests.

1. What I realize as my daughter gets older is that I project. I think my daughter needs more social acceptance than she does. I want her to make friends everytime we are at the park and when other little kids don't always play with her, I feel badly for her. Even though she doesn't feel anything at all. This is something I need to work through for myself. She is developing independence and she is always accepted at home - unconditionally. That is what I can do for her - unconditional love.

2. You can just stop inviting that friend over. Find other things to do. Join a group through meetup, sign her up for more activities with a local park district. Church groups often have youth activities. And when you find a parent that you enjoy, a parent that seems to have the same values as you then get together with your friend - kids will follow.

3. After time, with friends that encourage or play well with your daughter being in your lives more, your daughter won't miss that friend and eventually (whether she can communicate it or not) will realize that she is happier playing with other kids.

4. Most important, behaviors like this in children can sometimes alleviate. It might be a behavior they are "going through" BUT if you notice that the parents have some characteristics similar to these behaviors - it probably won't go away. It might become something else, but those values stand. What I have found is that personality, value, things that you admire in other parents are going to come across in their children. The same holds true for bad behavior.

Good Luck.

You got some really great advice here. I would only say that you don't want your daughter to learn/think/accept this is how "friendship" looks. If it was my child, I would't want her to play with a child like that.
Sounds like you have good intuition about this family and I would listen to what your gut is telling you and stay away from them.

Keep them away from each other. Find new friends, find other things to do. You should always be busy when that girl or her parents call. Make excuses and then if need be leave the house for a while. I hate confrontation too!

If she does come over, make her play by your rules, no running in the house or telling you what she wants to do. If she's bored call her parents and tell them she wants to go home because she's bored. They don't want her around either. They created her, let them deal with her!

Their values won't change, don't let them change your's and your child's values. I was in the same boat a couple of years ago. After a few months of saying no, too busy or just not today they got the hint (they live two houses away from us). My daughter is WAY better off without that one in her life and so am I. There are always those out there, put your foot down now, it is much easier now than when she's 7,8,9,16...

Your child will blossom without that one, she will find others that are more like her and if she doesn't find them right off the bat, seek those parents out that have similar values to yours or ask your daughter's teacher who she plays well with in class or seems similar to your daughter (teachers get it right away!) and then ask those girls over for a play date.

At this age, she is still listening to you, so help her find her way, away from the bad influences, EVEN AT 6!

Wow, this is a tough one. I'd suggest a good age appropriate heart-to-heart with your daughter. You can start off explining that sometimes parents' jobs are tough because they have to make difficult decisions with their kids' best interests at heart. Tell her how special she is to you, how you wnat the best for her....so on. Make your way to explaining to her that sometimes every person who happens to be in our life isn't always good for us.

I'm sure you get what I'm saying. You are her parent. You know what's best for her. Trust your instinct and feelings. Like you said, they are only 6, and at that age protecting her is still high on the list of priorities. You should end the friendship and make her understand why. Meanwhile, try a little extra "loving" on her. As best you can, do confidense boosting activities with her. Make sure you often and sincerely verbalize how great of a kid she is, and that anyone would be lucky to have her as a friend.

Good luck. Keep looking out for your little one!

Please let her know now while she is young. I used to think let them figure it out or let them little hurts until my youngest ended up in the hospital. We knew someone was very bad for him and although we couldn't totally stop it we tried to but let it go on until there was no turning back.And that person urged him to do negative things. She may be only six but this way you will continue to reinforce the values and the things that create a great friend. And while you are great parents now you will become greater and stronger for this.

Your daughter is only 6 therefore, I think it is up to the parent to make decisions about friends. Explain to her that you don't like how her friend talks and behaves. Maybe you could help your daughter meet some new girls that you approve of by having some "playdates".

Since she is only 6 I think you have every right to steer her towards other girls to play with. Are there other children she can have play date with? If so, you can turn down the one girl and explain to you daughter that she might have a better time with someone else.

Hi D. Have to talk with this little girl's parents and if they choose to let her behave this way, then don't let your daughter play with her.

Hello,
The only thing to really do is try to have your daughter meet other girls who are nicer.
Once she is around more "normal" girls, she will realize on her own, that her "friend"
is not that great. Are there any other girls in the neighborhood you could invite over?
Do you know any moms with girls your daughter's age. Have a mom & daughter play date,so your daughter doesn't have to worry about being so shy.
But, don't try to keep your daughter away or tell her how bad her friend is. Just make sure she has other options for friends. When your daughter finds someone more like herself, who likes her for herself, she will dump her "friend" or at least start to demand that she be treated better by her.
As far as how the girl treats you and your house. You have a right to lay down the law with her on how she is to act when she is over at your house.

Remember, you and I have had years of experience at making friends. At 6 yrs, you don't. Just like you try on different outfits to see what you like best, your daughter, is trying on different friends. Eventually she'll find the right "fit". Good Luck! : )