C.V. asks from Houston, TX on August 26, 2008
Dont Know What to Do, Need Some Advice Please
I am 18, i will be 19 this month, and about 27 wks pregnant, and i am in a situation that i am very confused about. The thing is that i live my boyfriend (who is the father), but he hasnt had a job in months and right now im the one supporting both of us. I know that he is trying (well i like to believe he is) to get a job, its just thats its been so long. He keeps almost getting jobs and then they fall through, if his mom or me try to talk to him about it he just gets frustrated and yells at us. My parents both think i should move out my apartment and live with them (they arent together). Well my mom wants me to move with her and my stepdad, and my dad wants me to move in with my grandparents. But i cant just do that, i want to live with him, i love him, and i want my baby to have a father who is there all the time, and i wouldnt know what to do without him. It's just that i dont make that much money as it is, and im always broke because i have to support both of us, and soon i will not be able to work at all, and i am going to get some paid maternity leave, but it will definitly not be able to cover everything. I just dont know what to do, he either needs to get a job very soon, or i have to move out somehow, and with who i dont know. Another kicker is that i work for my dad and my step-mom, so they are always here to voice their opinions of how to run my life. I know i'm still young but i hate having to depend on other people, especially my family. I also hate my apartment, which i would love to move out of, but with my boyfriend. I just have so many things on my plate right now, i feel like im already 30 or something (not like thats a bad thing to be 30), when i should be more relaxed. I know its my fault for getting pregnant at a young age, but every time i turn around, theres something else i need to pay, or another fight with someone, or problem. Please i need some advice from someone else than my family and friends. (Sorry i know its a lot to read)
J.B. answers from Houston on August 26, 2008
Congratulations on your baby!! I have a boy and they are so awesome :) I think right now is a time to think about you, girlfriend. What is best for you and that little one you are carrying. Make your decision and stick with it, you are a mama now and we are tough when we need to be!;) If what you need is more stability and a place that you know will not fall through due to lack of funds after you give birth, then you must make that choice. It doesn't mean you can't still love your man, but you have to do what is best for you and baby. Sometimes a little nudge in the right direction will help a man get moving! As far as your parents go, they may be bossy, but it sounds like they love you and their grandchild. They want to feel that you are taken care of and provided for. It is ok for you to depend on them, they are your parents, it's what they signed up for. So just decide where you are going to move, and do it. Let everybody know and let you boyfriend know that you love him but this is what is best for the baby and that you look forward to being a family. It will all work out. If he is the guy for you, he will get his act together and start making some money to help with all that is on both of your plates. You are young, but you can do this and be a great mom. I think getting out of such a financially stressful situation will do wonders for your life and be a least a little less stressful! If you need a friendly ear feel free to msg me anytime. Congrats again!
2 moms found this helpful
G.M. answers from San Antonio on August 26, 2008
I think you should move in with one of your parents or grandparents and let them take care of you. You may love your boyfriend to bits, but he will need to understand that this is what is best for the both of you. Lots of couple who love each other have to seperate for a while. My husband accepted a job out of town and I couldn't go with him because we could not afford two mortages, so he went and stayed with my brother out of town for 5 months until I was able to sell our home. If I would have gone, we would have had to get a place to live and ended up defaulting on something financially. You guys can still spend time together, but you just won't sleep in the same house. After my husband left, I would talk to him more then when we lived together. I would put the kids to sleep at 9 and we'd talk till midnight. If you both are committed to each other, it will work! Good luck.
2 moms found this helpful
S.C. answers from Houston on August 27, 2008
I am so sorry that you have to be going through this now. We never know in the moment why we have these challenges only after when we have grown from our experiences. I will let you know a bit about myself...so you know I am speaking from the heart. I was 24 wks preg when my hubby left me after a 9 yr marriage. This was our first child...I had some really tough decisions to make with many telling me what to do...I didn't listen to most of them.
So back to you...I know you say you don't know what to do. but listen to your gut... not what you think others will say or think that you will be judged by them. In the end none of that matters- it is only their opinions. You know what is right... you are a mom now. You make the best choices you can and that will be the right one. As a 30 year old, divorced single mom of a wonderful two year old- I want you to know that it will be alright...yes, decisions have consequences, so protect yourself and child first and the rest will come.
Hang In There! If you need any services (WIC or Financial assistance) Dial 221 from a land line to get more info.
Look into getting a Doula for your birth (some are free) to be that unbiased person at you side during your delivery.
If you need more help please let me know!
1 mom found this helpful
T.B. answers from Houston on August 27, 2008
Congrats on your baby boy! There is no greater blessing than a child. I have a 5 1/2 year old boy and a 2 1/2 year old girl. Like you, I also got pregnant young and outside of marriage to a man with no job but 'was always looking' for one. I was always the one working and struggling to pay everything. About a month before I had my son, I got married. I thought it was the right thing to do but what a HUGE mistake!! If I would have just listened to that little voice in the back of my brain, and to my friends and family, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. I continued to support us while he bounced from job to job to job with a lot of space between each job. PLEASE, DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID!!!! Like you, I did not want to accept the help my family kept offering me and I never took their advice. I kept on thinking things would get better. THEY NEVER DID! PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE.....Move in with a family member and let them help you! Let your boyfriend know that you will not live with him if you are going to be the only bread winner! He needs to prove to you that he can get a job and HOLD DOWN A JOB before you all live together. Being a family is being a team. He needs to get off the bench and be a team player. He needs to grow up, be a man and a father, and help support you and that beautiful blessing in your belly. Accepting help from your family does not make you less of a person! I am 28 years old and my kids and I live with my mother! I divorced shortly after my daughter was born. It took SEVEN YEARS for me to accept help from anyone. PLEASE MOVE IN WITH ONE OF YOUR PARENTS UNTIL YOUR BOYFRIEND CAN PROVE THAT HE WANTS TO BE A FAMILY! DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD! You are already a great mother because you are taking the first step and evaluating your situation. You are already putting your child first. Now your boyfriend just needs to do the same.
I will keep you in my prayers.
1 mom found this helpful
C.M. answers from Houston on August 27, 2008
I'm a 33 yr. old married woman and mom to a beautiful 16 mo. old son. Some advice that I would give is....you really need to think about you and your baby now...that is number one priority. If a baby coming into the picture doesn't wake up your boyfriend to get a job of any sort to have some income coming in ( and not to mention to take some of the added stress off of you) then I think you should move out and live with which ever parent or grandparent that you feel most comfortable with. It sounds like your boyfriend is not trying as hard as he should be maybe....he definatley needs to step up to the plate and figure out a way to support his family....jobs are out there, it may not be his ideal job or dream job but any job will pay the bills. I'm sure your parents just love you and want what is best for you and your baby! My husband worked out of town from the time our son was about 6 months until almost a year. It was really hard because ultimately it was like being a single working mom. Just because you move out temporarily doesn't mean that your boyfriend will not be there for his son and you. It just means that he needs to get his life together before he can support a family. You both are very young and true while this will force both of you to grow up before your ready maybe this will be the best thing to give your boyfriend a little extra push. take care and good luck with your baby, it is a true blessing.
1 mom found this helpful
B.L. answers from Houston on August 27, 2008
Congratulations on your baby boy!! I have two little boys and they are the lights of my life-- they're so much fun! About your situation-- I really think you should move out of that apartment and go live with your mom. I really think your mom and stepdad will do everything in their power to help you with your baby, which will mean a lot to you. Since you work for their company, I'm sure you could take as much time off as you want, and you'll have that job waiting for you whenever you want to go back. In this situation, you'll have a nice place to live with supportive, loving family members, and you won't have to struggle to make rent in an apartment that you hate. Your mom and stepdad are going to fall so madly in love with this baby (as are you), and they're going to want to help you take care of him. This will help you if you want to go to school at some point, or even when you just need a break. Remember: your mom loves you more than life-- you'll understand how much once you hold your baby boy for the first time-- and she'll always have your back. Your boyfriend sounds like he's just not stepping up to the plate-- he could surely get a job somewhere. You don't want to have to support him for your whole life. He can still be a part of your son's life, but this way you aren't stuck supporting him. By the way, my sister-in-law was in your situation-- she got pregnant at 18, and her boyfriend wouldn't get his act together, so she moved in with her parents, had her son, and worked nights. She ended up meeting a really great guy that she married, and he legally adopted her son. They've since had two more children, and they couldn't be happier. Another friend of mine got pregnant at a young age, and her boyfriend wasn't on board with the program, so she lived with her parents and worked part-time. And then she and her daughter's pediatrician (a young, single guy) fell in love, and now they're married with three more children! So think of the big picture: don't get scared and think that if you don't stay with your boyfriend, you'll be all alone. You'll have the love and support of your family, and you'll meet someone else one day, someone who's worthy of you. If your boyfriend can't get motivated to get a job, I say kick him to the curb! Try not to be sad; when you hold your little boy, you'll have the new love of your life! Good luck!
C.M. answers from Houston on August 27, 2008
I can completely understand your situation as I had my first child at 18! I was in college and although I was not working I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend (now husband). I think you need to lay it out on the line for him and tell him that if he does not get a job in the next month you are going to have to move out and without him. I know you love him and you want everything for your baby but if he is really going to step up for you and your son he will make the decision when you lay it out there. The biggest struggle however, is that you have to be willing to move out if he does not get a job.
There were times I know my parents wanted to make me move back home and they did not agree with my boyfriends choices but we have come a long way and now have 2 beautiful children and are married. I gave him several deadlines and either you come or not type choices and in the end he made the right decisions.
It's going to be a tough road but keep your head high. There is no one to blame for the gifts that God has given you, you just have to take those gifts and do your best to care for them. Have a child is a blessing and will bring so much joy to your life but you will also have struggles. Prepare yourself to battle with your boyfriend but he has a choice to make, grow up and be a family or you will need to move on.
Best wishes for a happy pregnancy!
C.U. answers from Houston on August 27, 2008
My husband was 21 when he and his ex-wife found out they were expecting a little girl (my now 14 year old step daughter). Of course, he had a little bit of college, but he started out as an AB for Tidewater. You or your boyfriend could google "tidewater". He has to be a hard worker, but if he works hard he could move up with the company. My husband went back to school and finally got his degree in 2004. He is now a boat captain, and making really good money. He does work overseas, but there might also be some jobs out of the gulf of Mexico. He should check it out. I know he might be gone a lot, but he would be able to provide for your family.