Doing the Right Thing

If there is no legal issue, the child doesn't have the father's name, etc. I would think he/she could wait to get to know him when old enough to find him. Why would you put the child in that environment with a man you no longer care about who doesn't seem to really be fighting to see the child?

I agree with another poster about getting his rights terminated. If you don't want to deal with his life and his drama, I highly recommend getting the rights terminated. And, you should really do it now while the baby is still in utero and he feels no need/connection to see the baby. If you are not wanting him in her life and you are not wanting child support, definitely go the termination route!

Good luck!
L.

It is a legal issue, honey.

If I were you, I'd get the paperwork ready for the father to terminate his parental rights. That way, you don't have to worry about any of this visitation nonsense with the other baby mamma beating on your child. Plus, you're not going for child support, so who needs the drama?

You need to get your legal ducks in a row for your sake and for your child's sake.

Good luck.

This is a time you can't afford to NOT have a very savvy, pit bull attorney for your child's rights.

There are way too many variables of what can happen and you can't just choose.

**I am usually a huge anti-attorney, pro father's rights but A., this is absolutely a legal issue. What if HE wants to see the baby and petitions paternity and custody??? You are one DNA test away from possibly not having your baby 50% of the time! This is not something you can brush under the rug and I wouldn't want the possibility of that hanging over me every day.

Lawyer.

As in, you need to consult with one. There are MANY many many things you can and cannot do... and your lawyer will be able to guide you through that process.

_____

ADDED: Did you know... UNTIL you make this a legal issue your ex can waltz into your home, daycare, wherever... pick your child up, take them, and never come back? NO ONE WILL STOP HIM. He has 100% access UNTIL you create a custody arrangement through the courts. You cannot kidnap your own child. Unless this becomes a legal issue, you can call the cops, and the cops will shrug and say "Sorry. We can't do anything."

You say you want to "Do the right thing", well then despite your SWH, this IS a legal issue. And contrary to what other posters are suggesting,you cannot just have him sign over parental rights. It has to go through the courts and there has to be a reason for it. I know I did it, and the process took over a year, and my daughters father WANTED to sign the papers. It would not have been allowed at all if he had fought it. You may or may not want "daddy" to be there, or pay child support today, but you have almost 2 decades in front of you to change your mind. The responsible thing for you to do is to find an attorney RIGHT NOW, before you have that baby. Your child has a legal right to financial support from both parents and who gets custody and what kind of visitations and all of the other responsibility's of parenting need to be determined eventually. You are better off doing that with a clear head and not after the child is born and can be used as a pawn in a nasty custody dispute. So if you really you want to do the right thing, you need and attorney and you need one now.

The best thing you can do is to get this jerk to sign away ALL parental rights (by telling him he will have no financial responsibility), and find a way to support your child. You have made one big mistake and becoming pregnant under the circumstances you describe this far from "the best thing that has ever happened". However, I commend you for not wanting to abort your baby. You do have a lot of time before you give birth, so please give every consideration about what is best for your unborn child.

Blessings.....

First and foremost CONGRATULATIONS A.. It is incredible to feel their tiny body flutter within, no? When I became pregnant (unplanned) I was 22 years old. I feel blessed every day to have been given my daughter. She is 3 years old now, and an incredible spirit. There are actually no words to describe love I feel for her.

Eighteen months ago, my four year old niece began living with us as well. Tonight she was awoken by a far off firework and called for me. When I went in to her room I found her, bushy strait hair hanging in eyes, lip quivering, sitting up in bed. We talked about fear and love, about loss and courage. I sat next to her and she drooped into my arms and I was reminded of the miracle of love. When my daughter was born I was sure it wasn't possible to love another human as much. But love isn't quantifiable, nor does it dissipate as it is spread. It intensifies and is the most beautiful miracle of life. Indeed, I find I love my niece like she came from my own body.

They say a mother knows this love upon pregnancy and I think this is true for many. We find courage like we may have never known, clarity, purpose, strength, and often we feel a drive to give our children all that they deserve. A., there are many different ways a (close and healthy) family can look. Only one of those ways looks like Mom-Dad-2.5 kids. You do not have to be a mother and a father both to give your child a wonderful life, nor does a child need both biological parents to know she is loved and to be whole.

Sometimes, the substitute is more damaging than not having something at all. If you sense your child may not be safe in his/her bio father's care, I would suggest you follow your intuition. After all, an abusive father can be more damaging than not having a father in the picture at all. Many very well rounded people were raised primarily by a woman they love.

Information is a powerful tool. I was able to see a (reputable) family law attorney for a consult visit for free. I have, since, seen her for pay, but the initial visit helped me to know my *options* and make an informed *choice*. I hear your dedication from here, and it brings joy to my heart. Big hugs.

I agree with Riley...you need a lawyer. If you can't afford one...find a Law School somewhere nearby and see if they don't have a student run law clinic...they will see you based upon your ability to pay. They are supervised by their professors so it is all very good advice that you will be receiving.
Keep track of what support or contact your ex boyfriend shows during your pregnancy...that may have a lot to do with how his visitation privileges are viewed by the court when the time comes.
Good luck to you and I think you are right to be thinking of this now instead of putting it off until after the baby is born.

If he drinks, is irresponsible, and his situation could be dangerous, you have to protect yourselves. Would he sign away his rights as a parent? If yes, it may be the best way to go. A two parent household is only the best when both of the parents are good parents.

BIOLOGY does NOT make a parent. Love and responsibility do. I do not know my biological father. I have seen a picture of him. I heard from many people he was not a good person. My father is the man who raised me. Yes, I went through a period where I was curious. But, honestly, I would rather have a healthy, happy family with one parent, than a freak out crazy "traditional" family. Children have a right to have a danger/drama free childhood.

I would keep my baby away from him. If he doesnt' want to be responsible, then your child will be better off not knowing him.

Don't let that man be a part of your babies life. Or, don't let that baby go to the house where is girlfriend is. Supervised visits would need to come through the courts - don't hesitate to get the ball rolling. Protect your baby. Your Mom did fine without a man; you can too.

I'm glad you are happy and looking forward to this baby, and I hope you have a very supportive family!
But you must know that of course this IS a legal issue. Even if you are not asking for/wanting anything he IS the father and could at anytime demand partial custody, visitation, etc.
You really need to get your child's paternity, custody and support agreements legally documented as soon as possible. I realize right now you are caught up the the nervousness and excitement of the pregnancy but more than anything else you need to focus on your child's future. Instead of worrying about the girlfriend (who knows how long that will last anyway?) worry about paying for diapers, food, medical care, rent, day care. Sit down with your ex and discuss both of your wants, needs and expectations. Hopefully you can come to some sort of initial agreement which works in the best interest of your child. Good luck :)

if a biological parent is a danger to a child, which he may be, then the child will have the right to know who he is after the child becomes an adult and can set up proper boundaries, before then you should protect your child from the dangers that are out there. don't feel guilty for doing what is best for your child. I'd rather my child not know who his parent is than know that his parent abuses him.

Don't let him take the baby. If he wants to be a part of baby's life, he should come to your house. He may tell you she won't be around, but you just never know. If he has a problem with coming to you, then he doesn't deserve to be a part of your child's life. I was raised by my grandmother. I used to always wonder about my father, but once I finally met him, I'm glad he was never around. He's just not a nice person. He does love his sons, but he was never very loving towards me. I am now 26 and I don't miss him. Families come in all shapes and sizes. You never know, the perfect dad for your baby might come along when you least expect it. You are not crazy for wanting to protect your child. You're a mom-to-be, and those instincts are already kicking in. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your unborn child (: And good luck. Just remember, don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, even if that means the father only gets supervised visits.

Be very careful. It should be a legal issue. If you don't make it one and he does and files for custody, then you have a problem. If you want he to know his child, only allow supervised visits especially with the other woman involved. Think carefully. Protect you and your child legally.

I would wait and see how it plays out once you have the baby. I would not put him down as the father on birth certificate ( you can always go back and change it after the DNA test if he wants it on there). Notify him once you are out of the hospital and if he wants to see your child then let him with you, do not let him take the baby. If he wants to be a regular part of your childs life then let him set up the visitation with the court. Then you can provide all of the information you have said here ( if he is even still with her) and seek supervised visitation.

If he doesn't push the issue of having visitation then you don't have to do anything farther. You are the one who decides if you want support from the father. If you don't want it.. don't seek it. Just know if you get any state aide they will order a DNA test and go after him for the bills ( that is different from the child support. That is between him and the state) Also I want to add my lawyer told me when I had my son 15 years ago ( so it could have changed) that if the dad pays even one dollar then he has the right to see the child. After 5 years of no contact or money support its considered abandonment. You will not be able to file for his parental rights to be taken away/ dropped with out another person willing to fill the spot. ( at least in our state)

My son's dad has never paid one penny for my son. He has never seen his son. At 8 he signed his rights away and my now ex took over. I do not regret any of this. I did just fine raising my son with out any extra money. He didn't miss out on anything he should have by not having the money... who is to say that he would have paid anyways? It would have been a waste of my money and the states money to try to fight it for him to pay when he wouldn't have anyways.

You are the only one who knows what is best for you and your child. It is your job to keep your son safe and protected. You are the one that needs to decide how to do that. Good luck I wish both of you the best!

Be careful...my sister had a baby and didn't list the father on the birth certificate...and he was not a part of her life for two years...then he petitioned the court demanded a dna test and once it was confirmed he was the father he got visitation. Supposedly he is suppose to pay child support but he doesn't work much so my sister doesn't see that...but my niece still has to spend every other weekend and alternate holidays and a couple weeks in the summer with the father and his new wife (who I have heard is a terrible mother and a real female dog).

Get an attorney asap and find out about getting his rights terminated...so he doesn't show up years from now and get visitation/custody.

I think you sound really level headed and reasonable for someone so young and in this situation.

Everything you said and want is completely reasonable. I think the first place to start is to maintain calm and drama free communication. Ask if its ok with them, and then send updates on the baby with your baby's father and family - a text or email after each doctors appointment - "Doctor appointment today - heard baby's heartbeat - everything ok!"

When the baby is a baby, make arrangements for when you can bring the baby to the dad and his family (and stay) or they can come to visit the baby at your house. Keep conversation with the baby's dad mainly about the baby. Make sure that he knows this is not a ploy to force time with him for yourself (Yuck!)

My coworker's son is irresponsible and has some real problems. He fathered a baby with a girl he dated a week. My coworker was horrified and angry with his son and disgusted with the girl. However, once that baby came, the my coworker's family really embraced that baby and the mom, and are wonderful, nurturing, grandparents. They see the baby when the mom brings her over, or when they go to visit. Once the baby became a toddler, they got to keep her by themselves for a day.

I'm sorry you are going through this -