Does Age Really Matter?

S.,
My first reaction is that as I was sitting there reading something that looks like it belongs in a chat room complete with lingo and abbreviations that only very young people would really understand. I thought that this person is probably like 25 years old and dating someone a couple years younger. Then I saw you are 33.

Please understand, we don't know you or him. You haven't given any specifics about your arguments. But I am here to tell you that I have been married for 24 years. I am sure most of the ladies here that are older can tell you that it takes two people to argue. I know that it can be infuriating dealing with another person. But you need to mature enough yourself to realize that he feels the same way you do about the idea that you start the arguments and not him.

Projection is a term that is found in any first year psychology text book. It is when we see in others the very things we hate about ourselves and we don't even realize it. The way you talk about this man and this relationship is very immature. I think that it reminds me of a song I heard when I was young. I can't remember the name of the song or who sang it. But the line I remember went something like this, "She was too young to fall in love and I was too young to know".

The best answer to your question I suppose is that age does not have anything to do with it. People don't "FALL" in love. Real love takes work. Both people have to want to work at it. The queasy feeling in your stomach, the sweaty palms, the feeling to rush to the door and watch for his car to pull in, the long talks, candy, hearts, and roses all go out the window in the BEST of relationships. What you will find in real love is when the two people are still together through it all, loving each other after they have hurt each other hundreds of times and when they have learned what real commitment is. Real love is the willingness to go through the motions when you don't feel it at all. Real love is what we do for one another, with one another, and the realization that this person knows us better than any other person on the planet. And usually, it's not saying much. We never feel fully loved or appreciated unless both people believe in the big things together. You need to be on the same page about religion, family, work ethic, plans for the future, and most of all married with a divorce is not an option mentality.

I don't think most people ever find all of this and often one person in the relationship wants to try harder than the other. Also, sometimes the person trying harder at the moment may switch back and forth between the two. I know in my situation my husband has never cared about the depth or sincerity of our relationship. He doesn't want to work at it. He just wants for it to work on it's own. He doesn't seem to care about the things I care about. It's tough. BUT, he's more committed than I am. He's the one that will work the hardest to keep us together and I am the one that wants to bolt when things get really bad.

I think too you need to realize that the daily petty arguments are usually not what you are really arguing about. There's always deeper problems that people are not facing. You want more from the relationship and he may not be ready to give that to you.

I don't know how to create a great relationship. I just know that it can and does happen. I do believe God needs to be at the center of it for it to be a love that lasts forever.

S.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi S.!
Sorry if this is late but I first need to ask you.....have you ever lived with a man before??? They are just down right annoying no matter how old they are....lol. I, personally got on medication to make my husband less annoying. Its worked out wonders and we barely ever fight anymore. The reason I asked if you have ever lived with a man is because when I first moved in with my husband, it was very shocking to me how annoying it could be to live with a man. It took awhile to get used to (and medication). But I think you can still live together, but that doesnt mean being with each other 24/7. You guys still need to do your own things sometimes even if you live together. If you really want to, I think you guys can work it out. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

First of all you need to think of your daughter. Moving someone in then out is going to be hard on her. Trust me I know. My mother can't be without a man. Didn't matter how they treated my sister and a I just as long as she had a man, I now do not really talk to my mother. I have always felt that some man was more important than me. If this guy is too immature to deal with a lady with a child you need to move on. Yes it will be hard, but there is someone out there that you can be with who will respect you and your daughter. I don't think it's an age thing as much as a maturity thing - my husband is 9 years older than me and sometimes still acts like he's 12. And I'm sure most women will say the same thing. But when it comes down to it he has respect for me, our children and our relationship. Not just as husband and wife, but also as friends and as parents to our kids. Concentrate on you and your little girl right now, the right guy will come along. You can't force a realationship. The best advice I ever got was from my great uncle, he told me to never settel for someone. If the guy did not make me happy on all levels then don't bother. Take the same advise - don't settle for someone just to have a man in your life. Make sure he fits. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Age has nothing to do with your problems. I have known some very mature 18 years olds and some very childish immature 40 year olds. Arguing all the time is never a good sign but you have to ask yourself, is the stuff you are arguing about stuff that really matters. Is he starting the disagreements because he just likes to get your goat and you easily rise to the occation or is it really stuff that to people who are thinking about marriage should agree about. Just because he is a good man doesn't mean that he is the right man for you. Believe it or not, there are LOTS of good men out there. My husband and I have recently been reading a book called The Five Love Languages and it really has opened our eyes to some of our differences and how to overcome those differences. If this is the guy for you, then perhaps you both just need to change your perspective a little bit and figure out how to communicate with eachother. Good communication is the key to ANY relationship.

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I'll be very honest with you. I'm married to a guy that's 7 years younger than me and I think it's one of the worst mistakes I've made. I felt the same as you when we first met. Couldn't be without him but all we did was argue after a few months. We've now been married 9 years and I resent him more and more every day. He's very immature and doesn't do much to help out around the house or with the kids. The kids resent him as well because all we do is argue and they don't like it. It's not fair to them. It's like having 5 kids in this house most of the time. I've told him I want out many times, but unfortunately, I just lost my job to the economy so I can't afford to be out on my own.

I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make.

2 moms found this helpful

S.,

You didn't say his age. But that really doesn't come into play concerning my answer. Women - Moms somtimes make me crazy. I was a divorced Mom - alone for 13 years. It was a long time. I went on 3 afternoon dates in that time and I dated one guy for 6 months. Not because Im a Nun but I wanted my kids to be safe. I knew they were already at a disadvantage with their Dad not living with them full-time (just as well he's an alchoholic) BUT it is hard raising kids. They need to feel and be safe. They need to feel secure. Watching Mom go in and out of relationships and Men (or just one Man) come and go - in and out of the house is not condusive (sp?) to Security. You are training your four year old daughter right now what to put up with in a relationship, what to settle for, what decisions will be good for her. Is this really what you want for her?
Don't think that I believe Im perfect. Im not. But I was blessed that I watched other Moms mess up their kids with these kinds of decisions and just decided that I didn't want to do that with my sons.

We have to EXPECT to be treated right. And to do that we have to DESERVE to be treated right. That means don't move in with anyone. Don't try- out the merchandise or let some guy try it out first. You are worth more than that and so is your daughter.

Seek Christ and start over. Don't waste time with someone whose not worth it. That way you will be open to the right one when he comes along.

God Bless,
L.

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S.,

Pretty name by the way!!

On to your question: Yes and no... about the age thing. When I was 17, my mom allowed me to date a 24 year old man. He was a super guy, just too old for me at the time. He broke up with me due to the fact of our age and we were of different faiths. Later on when I was 20, I married my first husband... he was 18. It didn't work out, but that's a whole other story in itself. NOW, I'm married to a man who's 13 1/2 years OLDER than I. We have a wonderful life together!! The age difference doesn't matter to us. So the age thing really has to do with the people involved and their commitment to each other.

I've dated a number of men and one thing I really asked myself was this; Do I REALLY see myself with this man for the REST OF MY LIFE?? That's a really big question, so be sure YOU can answer yourself as honestly as possible.

I personally don't believe in couples moving in with each other before marriage. Call me a tradionalist, I don't care. There are ways one can get to know another without moving in together. It only creates problems and people can get into the situation you're in. Yeah, there are exceptions but aren't there always?? :)

I can't tell you what to do about your situation, but just ask yourself that question, "Do I really see myself with this man for the REST OF MY LIFE?" Yes, it's going to be tough if you decide to leave. One thing I always told myself when a relationship ended was, "It wasn't right, and I know God has the perfect guy for me. I just need to be patient and let Him move."

I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my Prince. I also sought God's help in the relationship department because only He sees the big picture. I also had someone else to watch out for too... my then, five year old daughter. Remember that, too. There's so much to say about a man with stability AND maturity.

May God bless you and your decision. ls

2 moms found this helpful

You're in a difficult situation, but it doesn't sound to me like the problems are only because of your age difference. Speaking as someone who doesn't know you personally and is only going by what I've read here, I think it's best for both you and your daughter to move on. You say you love him and he's a good man, but you didn't say what makes him a good man. That makes me agree with another responder who suggested you may be confusing love with lonliness. The way you describe your situation makes me think you just want him around for the sake of having someone with you - no matter who that may be. I hope that if not for yourself then for your daughter you will choose to find someone who truly makes you happy. You deserve it, and your daughter deserves to see she can have that some day too. I really wish you the best. You obviously care a lot about others - I hope you care as much about yourself!

1 mom found this helpful

Age does not matter. What does matter is the fighting...I spent almost 15 years with someone and we always fought. We fought when we were dating, we fought when we were married, we fought over big things, little things and everything in between. Dating should be fun...everyone is on their best behavior. It is the time you get to know someone and figure out whether or not the relationship is something that will last. I'm sure he is a good man...it just sounds like he is not the right man for you. Remember, you want to be a good example for your daughter. She will look to you and how you've handled your relationships to model her own. I am sure you are a great mom and you deserve someone who brings peace and happiness to your life...Best of luck to you and God bless...

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I'm sorry to be a bit harsh, but if he's not the father of your daughter, you need to stop screwing around with will-he-or-won't-he, stop moving men in and then out, and focus on working-- which you do a lot of--and your daughter. She doesn't need to watch mommy choose drama with men over her or yourself. Focus on you for a while, and have fun with her while she's small and cute and still thinks the world is a fun place to experience. She'll be grown fast enough, and the right person will find both of you when you are mature enough in your own life to know your priorities.

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You don't state how old he is...

I'll tell you a success story. My husband and I met when he was 19 and I was 25. We fell in love and were married in 6 months after meeting. Even though he is the baby of the family, he is pretty mature for his age. It's funny, he looks older than he is and I look younger than I am. Anyway, we've been happily married for 8 years now and have a 4 year old daughter.

I would be concerned that you are fighting all the time now. Either you two have got to learn better how to deal with conflict or you might as well drop him. Do you really miss him or just miss having someone there? Does this man have a steady job and would be a good father figure for your daughter? You don't say anything about how he treats your daughter....that is really important. Feelings come and go but to make love and marriage work you've got to have committment. What does he think of all the fighting? Is it fun to him or what? I would guess you've already talked to him about how much this bothers you??? Age doesn't matter but maturity does. I am not sure if I've given any helpful advise, but above all I would pray about it.

Best wishes,
J.

1 mom found this helpful

Sherese,
I cannot really say anything that the other ladies have not already said. And I cannot say it as well as they have...such wise advise...I hope that you read and re-read the advice that is in these messages and consider it seriously.
First of all, I don't think that age itself makes a difference, love can rise above that. What it can't rise above is immaturity or a lack of commitment on either persons part.
I think that your first concern needs to be that precious 4 year old daughter of yours. Think of what you want her life to be like...how you want her to live her life after she is grown and out on her own.
I have never been a single Mom, so I can't speak from experience, but I do not think it is a good example for your daughter for you to be living with someone who you are not married to, and for her to see all of the drama and argument between you. You want her to see a strong woman in you, someone who is proud of herself and who knows that she deserves to be treated with love and respect.
You said that at first the two of you "made each other happy all of the time"...that is the "honeymoon period" of any relationship. I recently celebrated my 40th anniversary with my husband and believe me....you will NOT be "happy all of the time" in ANY relationship!!! A relationship is WORK...HARD WORK. There have been times in our 40 years of marriage that we have barely been able to be in the same room together...lol...but there have also been so many times when just being near him was enough to make me smile.
Get your priorities in order S....first that precious baby girl of yours...your security in yourself as a woman...knowing that you deserve to be treated with love and respect...your job...and then...somewhere down the line....a relationship.
R. Ann

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Happy mommies teach children how to be happy. It doesn't always come in the same package. Forget age, do what makes you happy (as long as your child is still #1!)

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NO....But i might add DONT GET MARRIED the little things they do only get worse...I feel strange telling someone older then my this but its true I got married a month after I turned 18 and we have been together for about 8 years....The man drives me nuts I LOVE HIM but he drives me nuts if we would have been fighting before we got married I would have not married him and I would have given us both more time to grow up...Or I would have left and found a more mature man (thats just me) But I will say that I understand when you want nothing more then that person no matter how they act or how much they P you off. I dont know if this helps but I thought I would add what I thought.

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My husband is 3 years younger than me...but that is us. My husband is very mature and has been. I met him when he was 19 and I had no idea he was that much younger than me. He has always been very mature. It doesn't matter that your boyfriend is younger, but if his maturity level is low then you may want to watch it. My husband has a friend who is my age and is so immature that he is now divorced and jobless. So watch that. Is it really love or just infatuation with a younger man? Think about that and re-evaluate and then decide. If he is truly immature then you may want to move on and get on with your life without him. I hope this helps some...Good luck and God Bless.

1 mom found this helpful

I would say to step back from the situation for a little while and make sure everything else in your life is good. Make sure that you daughter has all that she needs, including all of your attention that she requires to become the girl and woman you hope she'll be someday. Are you doing well at work, is your house being taken care of, are you keeping up with your friends and family... After you find that all of these things are well and good and you get into a groove taking care of these very important aspects of your life, then and only then call this guy again. YOU and the things that are important to YOU and in YOUR life are the things that really matter. IF this guy happens to fit in with all the things that you require in your life, then wonderful, he shoudl fit in like a glove to your life, not the other way around. Make sure that you are putting you and your daughter and family and friends first, not the guy first and then trying fir everything else in. I believe that once you are happy in your life without this guy, then you can be happy with the guy in your life as well. Or.... maybe you'll find that you don't need him in your life after all! :o)

1 mom found this helpful

Good Afternoon S.. Seems like you have a lot of opinions and great advice. I read your reply before reading the rest.
My mom was married 3 times. To my dad (2 yrs older), she divorced him when I was 17 months old. They married 5 days after she turned 18. Mom wasn't preggers but it didn't take long. I was born before mom turned 19.

She remarried when I was around 4 and she was preggers this time with my brother, then 10 yrs later my sister was born. Daddy M was 8-10 yrs older and the best, hardest working dad a step kid could want. When she was maybe 3, I was 13 mom divorced again.
Married a man 11 yrs older then Me. That made him 24. Their marriage last 44 yrs, mom passed away last August from Alzheimer's. It was not always easy, but they truly loved each other and us 3 kids really liked him as a dad when we got older. He is still my dad, I am 57, 58 in Aug. Dad will be 69 in Oct.

Mom didn't always think of what mattered or what was best for us children, only what made her happy, or what she considered happiness.
Mom made it a point of letting me know, when she divorced Daddy M, I didn't belong in that family. Well shoot me he was the best dad I had from 4 to 13. I only got to see my father every other weekend and that always ended sad, with mom wanting money and dad not always having it. I couldn't wait until I turned 18 so the fighting over money would stop. It didn't though there was always something else involving money to fight about. Beauty College my wedding etc. Step dad and mom paid for my beauty school, I worked and paid them back. I paid for my own wedding.

The maturity level of my 2nd step dad as young as he was, was amazing, and I came to respect him very much. Still do, he took the best care of my mom through her illness that started 10-12 yrs ago, very bad in the last 5 yrs.

My question to you hon, is this man, brave enough, strong enough, honorable enough, trustworthy, willing to provide for you and your daughter forever? Or will he cut and run when the going gets rocky?
If you can't answer the first part of the question, then the answer is move on and be happy learning who you are and what you want in life for you and your daughter. You can't make a relationship work when both partners come and go in different directions. I'm not saying you have to agree on everything, that would be paradise. But you have to respect each other opinions, thoughts feelings enough most of the time to agree that you can disagree and not hate each other.
LOL To have the same goals, ethic's, trust, desires to work hard to make a relationship into something good and ever lasting, is a good start. We have been married 38 yrs last May. I met my hubby is HS. Hasn't always been peaches and cream, but there has always been respect, honesty, devotion to our commitment to each other to make it better. If you can't see that happening with this man you almost Think is God's gift, then walk away. Don't look back. Life it way to short to have to watch every thing you say, think or feel at a certain time and wonder what the other person with be defensive of.

I sincerely hope you find some peace with in your self to do what is best for you and your little girl.

God Bless you
K. Nana of 5

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I will address the age issue. yes, it matters. You do not go into how much younger than you he is. But it is enough for you to be concerned about the immaturity level. We all know that with each age group we enter, we enter a new phase of our life. With that phase comes knowlege and maturity.

My husband is 8 years older than I am. He has very vivid memories of being on a college campus during the Vietnam war. I have only a few memories about seeing something about the war on TV. He is thinking about retiring, I am thinking about starting a business. He is ready to slow down and my kids are raised and I am ready to get started. It is an age thing for us but we are learning to cope.

Now if I were to reverse that and turn it around to me being 8 years older than he is, we would never survive this marriage. Why? Because men mature slower than women, and with family comes responsiblilty.

I think you have confused love with lonliness. You miss having him or someone around, you dont want to be alone. When he is there you fight, you dont get along, but you are not alone. You are trying to fill a void with something that will ease your lonliness. It doesnt work that way.

Now for a true story. I know of a couple that against everyones advice got married. She was 15 years older than him, she had a son only a few years younger than her new husband. After the marriage he found himself with the responsibilities of someone almost twice his age. He was never allowed to have his time, the time that someone his age would have spent just being young. The marriage lasted less than a year.

I dont know how much older you are than he is. But if he is enough younger to constitute it being another phase of life for him, then my advice is to leave him alone and let him live his life. He may be too immature to understand what life has to offer him yet, dont take that from him.

I think that you two are at different points in your life. You didn't say how much younger he was. But to be honest, I have dated younger guys when I was single, and I had tons of fun with them, but they were not daddy material. They became daddy material later on but you never know if they will ever grow-up. My husband and I are 14 years apart, he being the older one, and now we are at a point where he wants to stay home and going out, means dinner then lights out. When I would love to go out to places like the Power & Light District, and go on small trips with the kids, go to the lake or the pool. I have to do all those things by myself with the children. (I still haven't been to the P&L yet)It's alot of work to take the kids places and sometimes I'm just exhauted before I ever get out the door not to mention dealing with them out. It's two to one! I get lonely too. So, I would say yes, age does matter, it just depends on how far apart you are, but I don't think that is your issue. Besides think of it this way, would you want to raise someone or actually have a partner in life, one that is your equal? Been there did that, raising someone me turn into not a very nice person, b/c someone had to be in control.

Hi S.,
I just wanted to let you know 12 years ago I fell for a younger man and he was very immature and did things all the time that would annoy me. 12 years later we got married and thats only been a few months ago and we are very happy. We bicker and fight about everything but for the most part we have a good life together. It took him a long time to "grow up" and still has childish behavior.....But that is one of the things that makes me love him so much!!!!It took me so long to marry him cuz I was worried about him being so much younger than me (8 years) and worried what everyone would think. Plus I had been married twice already and he never has. I finally thought to myself that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and I don't care what anyone else has to say about it. My advice is this.........If you love him and want to be with him then you do that, you will have to put up with the childish behavior and that can be hard to do but remember that is probably one of the reasons you have fallen for him.....Since you know he is a good man don't let him get away!!!! If he makes you happy then let him know that. Good luck and hang in there. P.S enjoy the kid in him and let your inner child come out to play too.