Do You Take Your Child's Word ABSOLUTELY?

No. I work in an elementary school and we have a saying: If you will believe 50% of what your child tells you about school, we will believe 50% of what your child tells us about home.

You would NOT BELIEVE the information your precious kiddo gives up at school. How many beers your drink, mom and dad were yelling at each other all night last night, your financial situation, etc. etc. etc.

So no, I don't believe everything, but if it's something I think sounds fishy, I will try to get both sides of the story. I'm with you on this one. Great question!

14 moms found this helpful

Mamazita, once my kids were old enough to be able to think this through, I always asked them after an altercation what THEY could have done differently to have kept things from escalating in the first place. I didn't say "Are you telling me the truth?" or slam their version of things unless I actually SAW what happened. I knew their thought processes were still working themselves out, and I wanted them to learn HOW to think about stuff after the fact. Quite frankly, I do think it's up to adults to teach kids how to do that. (If they know how! Lot's of adults don't do it themselves!)

Kids have a truth that isn't necessarily reality truth. Kids also lie through their teeth. It's according to the kid and the circumstance. It's up to all of us to sift through it and deal with things in a way that gets a kid to learn a lesson and makes them learn through consequence, with them learning to be responsible for what they do and what they say. It's a hard lesson for adults too.

Good question, and I like the way you ask it, Mamazita.

D.

12 moms found this helpful

I just think it is interesting that none of the moms that think their kids are perfect have chimed in.....b/c there are definitely mamapedia members that think that way....very interesting. Good question!

7 moms found this helpful

I'm with you, Mamazita. Kids generally practice "truthiness" in the sense that they tell what they FEEL, but it may not accurately reflect the chain of events or who said what. And I clearly recall telling some whoppers of stories just to find out how adults would react as young as 4-5 years old, or to try to get some attention and tenderness from my always-distracted and self-absorbed mother. And my daughter was good for some "imaginative" stories, too.

On the other hand, children can be amazingly insightful. And one of the deepest wounds we can give our children is to dismiss what they say without giving them a fair listening. (I never told my mom that her second husband was sexually abusing me, assuming she would never believe me.)

So if a child reports being hurt by another child or an adult, it puts me on guard immediately. But a child's version of events can be far from the actual truth, so it is important to ask questions and get a bigger picture before coming to conclusions that could be unfair, embarrassing, or harmful.

ADDED: By the way, here's a really great investigation into why children lie: http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

7 moms found this helpful

I wait until I get both sides of the story before I make a judgment about what is the truth. Even adults have their version of the truth. We all see through a filter.

I, too, have noticed that many if not most posts seem to indicate that parents are quick to judge the adult and defend the child in situations on this site. I read the reason as being a "mama bear." I understand the need to protect one's child but I wonder if at least some over react because they are a mom. It takes discipline and experience to be able to withhold judgment until one has gathered further information.

7 moms found this helpful

"Do you always assume your child is telling the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, without question?"

Of course not. That would be foolish.

A.) Kids lie. Kids lie to get out of trouble. Kids lie to make themselves appear more like the good guy. Kids may only tell little white lies, but they lie. Very often they even believe what they're saying because they become invested in what they're telling you.

B.) Kids exaggerate. They don't even intend to half the time, but they do.

C.) Kids' perception of reality is not accurate. They see and hear things they don't understand and make assumptions about what was meant. They misunderstand a phrase that was said or take something out of context and then when they try to recall it and retell it, suddenly it takes on a new meaning.

D.) Kids are perpetual victims. They are saints. They are never the bad guy in a story. It's always the other person's fault. They are never, ever to blame. Says the child.

So here's what I've learned to do. I can read my children very well. I can tell when they're not being entirely truthful or when they're confused. I know what questions to ask when situations crop up. If there's going to be some time before I can speak with a teacher or another child or another parent before getting the other side of the story, then I figure that the truth of what actually happened is probably about 50-75% of what my child told me until I can get someone else to back her up.

7 moms found this helpful

I think my daughter is awesome, but she's almost five and she's got her own perspective. Like you said "version." ( Her: So and so hit me. Me: Really, and what did you do? Her: I gave her a message and she didn't listen, so I got the teacher. Me: Well, it sounds like you handled yourself very well. ) Talked with the teacher and this didn't even happen to my daughter, she just saw it. I wasn't surprised. This makes sense, its age appropriate, and she's practicing if/when she is in that position. Truth (for adults and kids) matters less than what is perceived and felt.

6 moms found this helpful

Children tell the story or incident from how it made them feel. Not always how it all got started and was meant to be taken.

I used to ask a few more questions when our daughter told us a "strange story."

I also have witnessed children out and out totally telling the story so they were not in the wrong when they totally started the situation, but realized it had not been a good outcome. Their parents totally believed them over the adults.

Some parents and their "little darlings" just do not want or cannot admit, that no one is perfect.. and that is ok, because it is normal.

If your child does not test in social situations and test their parents, they are missing out on learning right from wrong. This is the safe time to learn to be truthful with each other and call out a child who is testing.. You do not want them to be teens getting away with lies, because your child "NEVER lies or exaggerates".

5 moms found this helpful

I never assumed my kids were telling the whole truth, I always investigated. I don't think it's a good thing to think your kids can do no wrong... because eventually they will believe it too, and we know life is not like that.

5 moms found this helpful

My saying is "I believe about half of what he tells me and I question half of the other half"!

5 moms found this helpful

Well, my daughter is 4, so I have to take what she says with a grain of salt...usually she does end up being right on the money though! My stepsons though, when they were younger, tended to exaggerate a situation and stretch the truth and it took their mom a while to realize this. So they would tell her such-and-such happened when they were at Dad's house and it wasn't even close to what REALLY happened but Mom would get all in huff. Took a few times of Dad setting her straight (as well as their grandma, their teachers, etc.) before Mom learned to slow down a bit and not get all "mama bearish" right away before questioning what actually happened. They were good kids too, and were not really telling lies - but they didn't always tell the whole story (trying to appear totally innocent and not at fault), or sometimes it was just their childish interpretation of the story. It was from that that I learned to listen to my daughter, but to not assume anything either way, and to gently investigate a situation before drawing any conclusions.

5 moms found this helpful

i actually answered one of these questions the other day...and i said the same thing.....

you can't always believe everything a child says (especially when they are so young they have a hard time telling fact from fiction). they misinterpret, they hear words they don't understand and fill in the blanks, they just flat out misunderstand things...their definition of "mean" isn't necessarily what ours would be...

at the very least, i ask lots of in depth questions, to get to the bottom of what my son is REALLY saying (he's 5). one time he swore to me that his friends all hated him, were mean to him, and wouldn't play with him anymore...after a few minutes of digging, come to find out he wanted to play transformers, and they wanted to play dinosaurs, so for that afternoon, they played different things.

sheesh....KIDS! :)

5 moms found this helpful

Great question, Mamazita!

Awesome answer, Dawn. I'm with you on this one.

It just astounds me when parents approach me as a teacher and are oblivious - or in denial - about their child's degree of honesty. What kid doesn't selectively remember of exaggerate to avoid getting in trouble? Self-preservation is a basic human impulse. Please try to get both sides, reasonably and rationally, without being so oversensitive that you're failing to address legitimate issues.

5 moms found this helpful

I always check with the teacher to find out the other side and I haven't always agreed with them and feel pretty comfortable telling them so. There have also been quite a few times I've checked with teacher and my child has left out some important info! On occasions I have said "would like me to contact so and so and get to the bottom of this"? Sometimes they say please and other times I see the truth! LOL It can be tricky!

4 moms found this helpful

No, I absolutely don't always assume my child is telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, without question. If any parent does, they're dreamin'. For the most part, she is very honest, but I'm not going to lie or deny the fact that, yes, my child has lied before.

4 moms found this helpful

I believe my child. But I agree they are kids and every child has their version of the truth and I take it with a grain of salt and tell them how to handle the situation in the future. I normally don't blow up or go over the top about most situations. I guess I don't take it too seriously unless I keep hearing it repeated over and over. That's when I start to pay more attention and will see what or who needs to be delt with. Then I start to talk to others that have been there or possibly seen/ heard it and go from there. There is always my child's version, the other person's version and then what really happened some where in the middle.

4 moms found this helpful

Not every word all the time, but most of them. You know your kid. You know if they are having issues with a teacher and it's for real or just frustration. I initially blamed my daughter when I heard "she bit her" at a baby shower - and felt terrible when my daughter was the victim, not the biter. I try to give her reasonable doubt first. I think a lot of what kids say is near enough the truth to be believed, even if you have to figure out some details.

4 moms found this helpful

I believe my child. With that said, I know there is another side of the story, and I do try to find out the whole story. When my daughter was 4 she told me she couldn't have a cupcake for someone's birthday at preschool b/c she would only eat the frosting. My daughter is very picky about what he will/wont eat, but I thought it was strange that her teacher would say "you can't have a cupcake unless you are going to eat the whole thing". I believed my daughter thought that was the case, and I did talk to the teacher to let them know she felt that way. It ends up she misinterpreted something the teacher had said. So I don't think my daughter would intentionally lie about something, but I think there is plenty of room for misunderstandings and other sides of the story.

4 moms found this helpful

Pshaw. No way.

But that doesn't mean that they *aren't* telling the truth, either.

3 moms found this helpful

I completely agree with you. As far as I know, neither of my children has gone through a lying stage, but they are kids. Like you said, they have their own versions of what happens. I like to get all sides of every story. I have very well-behaved children, but they aren't saints. They know I will do everything I can to help them whenever they need my help, but I also have high expectations for them. I handle classroom situations this way as well (I'm a teacher).

3 moms found this helpful

I always ask follow up questions in order to better understand the situation...including asking my child "why" they think the other person did that..."do they think it was on purpose?", "what happened right before?", etc... I think that questioning them in this way actually shows them that I am concerned and interested in not just hearing the truth, but understanding what might have happened. It teaches my children that their reality isn't the only one, there is another side and maybe if we look at that we can all better understand a situation and know what would be the most effective way to handle it. Great post! **PS. the times I haven't done this and just "flew off the handle" I usually regretted it or was embarassed to find out after the fact that my child had some part in the incident. This especially plays true in the sibling dynamic! best MamaTraski

3 moms found this helpful

Of course I do not believe my kids ABSOLUTELY , especially the 14 y/o :) because he had more years than my 4 y/o to hone his story telling skills. But I do take THEIR side and look out for THEIR interests most of the time - they are MY children after all. I am not setting out to make the world fair, I just want my kids to do the best they can in this world.
I think people post questions after doing their investigations and trusting their gut instincts. At least most of the time it looks that way. If the question looks superficial and goofy - I just skip it. I think many people just want the support to do what they feel they need to do but maybe lack a bit of courage. Other people perhaps want an opinion.
I answer questions that look legit to me, that look like person needs encouragement or information.

2 moms found this helpful

I have found my children to be very truthful, and frequently insightful. Sometimes they might mis-perceive things though, and I do like to get the context of what went on.

I just find today's school atmosphere to be *very* different than when I was a kid (and it wasn't that great then).

We have had a couple of incredible teachers in our time, and many wonderful parents. But - because I was so insistent on stability - I left both my children in a school situation, for too long, that was destructive to them in different ways.

My advice is based on my own experience. Otherwise it wouldn't be very useful. Of course other parents' experience may differ, and they should certainly chime in.

2 moms found this helpful

YES, b/c he is totally honest and will also fess up his part too, so it's pretty easy for me to see what's going on. His teacher has also backed up his stories too. *Unless* it is concerning his brother, then I have to quiz them both, but when it is an incident at school or with someone else, his descriptions are pretty accurate.

2 moms found this helpful

As much as I would love to day I absolutely believe my kids & they are thruthful, nope, I don't believe everything they say. As others have said, kids have their own version of the truth. I do some questioning first. Actually, quite a bit. I ask about the 'problem' many times & in many ways before I go further w/it. I hate to say, this but all kids lie. They feel nervous, anxious, pressured & come up something that isn't always thruthful. More & more I've been finding that kids & some parents make mountains out of mole hills. The 'offense' was actually very minor but too much is made of it when in reality, if parents stayed out of a lot of the 'offenses' they'd be solved very quickly & the kids were be over it & back to friends.

2 moms found this helpful

I know my kids take things out of proportion all the time. My daughter is 6 and golds me a while back the Hannah (I made up the name..) hated her and never was going to her friend ever again... The next day, they are best friends again... Really?

2 moms found this helpful

I am so guilty of the opposite. I have questioned my daughter's word, more often than I wish I had, only to find out later that she was telling the truth.

2 moms found this helpful

I know they lie. But I absolutely do my best to put faith in my child. Not understanding the other persons viewpoint is not the same as lying. Being young, immature, selfish, etc... is also not the same as lying. Sure, there are 2 or more perspectives in all people troubles. But a parent needs to be in their child's court. So I say, assume they are right, but be open to the possibility of the fact that they might not be.

2 moms found this helpful

I always tell my child that I will believe him until he gives me reason not to. With that being said I do listen to the story first. Then ask what he did in sequential order and point out things that he should/shouldn't have done. also, in a moment of fault I want to make sure he takes responsibility for some of his actions. Things can't always be the other persons fault....not always. Even when he misplaces something he sometimes says, you moved it when you were cleaning. I say, "No, if you put it where it was supposed to be in the first place, I wouldn't have to move it." but...if it is a major issue, I talk to my son and he always tells me the truth. Then I deal with it from there. I know there will be a time when he does not...but I cherish this time-smile.

1 mom found this helpful

Not yet because he is only 3 and his imagination still gets in the way of reality. I always listen to what he tells me and try to ask a lot of questions. If he ever told me anything alarming, I would investigate it and not simply blow it off. However, he is often convincing when telling me something, even when I know it is not true which is why I don't believe all that he says. I don’t view them as lies because he does believe what he is saying. My guy is very active...the kid you always see with at least a tiny scrape around the knee. This weekend, he was running for a ball and tripped near our cement step leading to the back door. He has a scratch above his lip. Later that day, he rode his bike to the playground. The last two days he has told everyone that asked about the scratch above his lip that he got it when falling off his bike. He actually did not fall off his bike. Even when I tell him about how he tripped in front of the step, it is like he forgot all about it and even tells me it was from hitting the ground when falling off his bike. For whatever reason, this is the way he remembers it.

1 mom found this helpful

adding to what you said....They are real good at twistig information and leaving it out too... for instance... 'Sally hit me today!" but they dont tell you that they pulled Sally's hair first or something like that...

My 5yr old neice lives with us... she will tell you all the time I am mean to her... but she doesnt tell you that she got in my pretties for the hundreth time so I put her in the corner

1 mom found this helpful

I believe my daughter but we usually talk about the situation. Who said it, what was going on... and then I talk about how we do not call other kids names, even if they call us one or if something bad was said how maybe that was not a good thing to say so do not repeat it. If it is a large scale "what is going one" type situation I will dig deeper get the stories from all parties involved but if it is nothing big I try to teach/remind my child how to handle the situation and what to do or not do.

1 mom found this helpful

No.

We usually talk about why that child (or teacher, or parent) may have done that. What could have caused so and so to push like that?

Especially if I know the child... "it seems so unlike him to treat you that way! I wonder what the problem might have been?"

1 mom found this helpful

My son is 2.5 (daughter is too young to talk) so I don't believe everything he says :) He thinks his dinosaurs sleep in his underwear drawer!!

But I know what you are saying- kids blow things out of proportion all the time and see things differently than the rest of the world. I think some of it is because the child is so convicted in what they are telling you. If someone hurt their feelings, mom especially want to fix that and one of the only ways to do that is to let them know you believe them. It kills me when my son tells me that one of the kids at daycare is mean to him, but then when I ask the our daycare lady the next day about it (just out of curiosity) she will tell me the WHOLE story and I just try and find a way to talk to my son about it.

There are always going to be parents out there whose children can do no wrong!

1 mom found this helpful

Absolutely not! I am a grandma raising my granddaughter so this is my second time around. I learned the first time that when my child says so and so did XYZ to me or my teacher did whatever, the first thing I ask is what were you doing immediately before this happened? Most of the time it puts things into context and I can decide then how to proceed. And definitely if it's an adult, I ask for their side. I don't really get too involved in the kid to kid thing - I think they need to learn how to resolve their own conflicts, within reason. Not to say I never get involved - we had a bullying situation a few years ago and I was definitely involved in that! But the typical so and so wasn't nice to me today I pretty much leave alone except to tell her that I'm sorry her feelings got hurt and to try to distract her. When my daughter was young, I started out taking her at her word absolutely and ended up with egg on my face more than once!

1 mom found this helpful

Funny story - My daughter absolutely worshiped her first grade teacher. One day we came home late and I told her we were going to skip her bath that night. She freaked and said Mrs. Olsen said she has to take a bath or shower EVERY SINGLE DAY! I explained that what Mrs. Olsen meant was that she should take a bath or shower most days and that the world would not stop revolving if she missed one day. "NO! Mrs. Olsen said..." The next day I, jokingly, asked Mrs. Olsen if she would like to come over and bathe my daughter when it's impractical to do so - or would she prefer to have a cranky kid at school the next day because she was up late bathing. She rolled her eyes and laughed and told me that she did tell the children that they should bathe regularly ( a lot of smelly kids in the class apparently) but she specifically pointed out that missing a bath every now and then is not a problem. No idea where my daughter was for that portion of the lecture! LOL Mrs. Olsen spoke to my daughter about the exceptions to the rule and all was well in our world again. :D
My daughter is 23 now, "Mrs. Olsen said...." is a commonly quoted phrase around our house.

1 mom found this helpful