30 answers

Do You Have a Lot in Common with Your Husband?

I'm asking this because i didnt have a lot in common with my soon to be ex husband. Different religions, music taste, money spending habits, he's messy, i'm neat, he'd rather be out partying, i'd rather watch a good movie. Things in common were our kids, love of the outdoors, hanging out with family, eating good food, watching movies, sex.
SO in order for a marriage to work what do you think the major things you have to have in common are? Whats important?

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks ladies. Your responses got me thinking and helps me to understand, it just wasn't meant to be. Communication and respect were lacking in our relationship. I think those were the most important. The activities and hobbies not so much.

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Different:
Religions (although he goes with me and the kids)
view on abortion ( I am 100% prolife, he has exceptions to prolife)
He's messy and I'm OCD tidy.
He saves everything, I toss things when he's not looking. (Although, he tells me to throw things away before he sees them so that he won't be tempted to keep them)

Same:
Just about everything else...

What's important? He is truely my best friend!! I can't imagine my life without him!

3 moms found this helpful

A common respect of each other.

You have to learn how to put up with the things that you dont have in common for that person, because you love them that much. My husband and I dont have Everything in common but we make it work. We do have a love of some things the same, movies, humor, outdoors, etc.

We dont see eye to eye on the same religion and he likes different music then I normally do but we make it work because we love each other that much where those things dont matter. And I cant imagine myself wanting to be with anyone else. He is my everything.

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I personally dont think you need anything in common per se, but the ability to fully respect and handle differences.
My boyfriend of a year and a half is the polar opposite of me nearly, Im hot tempered, hes calm mostly, I'm all cutesy, hes punk. But we respect each other, and I find him more appealing because I never get bored of him because we nearly always have a different opinion on things. Leads to intresting conversations.

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You can be total opposites and have a great marriage as long as you both respect each others differences.
Having things in common is nice but if you want your partner to like everything you do, that's hard to find. A lot of relationships fail due to the fact that we pretend to like stuff in the beginning just so the b/f or g/f will be happy. That gets old. So, always, ALWAYS be yourself from the get go, and if you dont like something that your partner does, dont be afraid to speak your mind... if he thinks you like football and you really hate it, football season can be REALLY long.
Just don't depend on someone else to make you happy, thats the biggest thing. You have to be happy alone in order to be happy WITH someone.

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My thing with marriage is this:

1. Do you see yourself with him down the road...like when you're really old? Do you still see yourself wanting to hang out with him?

2. If you had to pick up and move away from all of your friends and family, would you do it and still be happy with just him?

Those are two of the major reasons why I married my husband and I love him more now than I did when I married him. Sorry, hope I didn't make anyone nauseous.

7 moms found this helpful

I have virtually nothing in common with my husband. We don't like the same music, I love to read, he hates it. He likes corny movies, I like deep meaningful movies. He's a manly man who likes to get dirty and I'm kind of a priss. We do like the same TV shows, we appreciate each other's sense of humor, and we are in sync on religion and politics. I think the most important thing is that no matter how far apart you may be, you always be willing to meet the other person where THEY are. I am totally willing to watch his stupid corny movies with him, and he is totally willing to listen to me talk his ear off about my latest book. We appreciate the things about each other that the other doesn't necessarily understand.

4 moms found this helpful

We had a lot more in common when we first started dating. Since we have gotten older both our tastes have changed. I think it is how you do this that can make it last. I honestly dont know what we have done right. It still works though.

He likes hard core metal to some degrees and then some random off the wall stuff too. I like more..easily listenable stuff. He loves going to concerts and getting rough(this is how he lets out his pent up aggression)I usually go now and sit in GA while he goes at it in the pits. He loves being home on days off..I love being out and about. We meet iin the middle and just hangout outside or literally in the back on the swing set with the kids..he is happy i am happy. I am the messy one..he has had to adapted. He doesnt really see religion as important but he doesnt give me grief for mine.

Some people just cant grow together I think. That is not just towards married couples. It just sucks more when it happens to be a married couple. The possiblity that it could easily be just a girlfriend is good to. I hope that makes sense??

I think to have a good marriage you have to have a heart that is similar. all the other stuff is just talking points. Or things to keep the conversation going. Once the hearts are no long in ''sync'' It makes it harder to want to keep talking.

4 moms found this helpful

If there is nothing in common, then how was dating? And what led to marriage?
Core things, like values & priorities & attitudes toward life, do need to be there, in common.
Or a healthy sense of appreciating one's differences.

My Husband and I are culturally different and in upbringing and ethnicity and age.
Varying hues of values... but we complement each other in many respects. But we also learn from each other, too.
After 13 years of being married... well we are getting better at being each others Ally. Not adversary. Even if we are different from each other. In other ways.
We are Yin and Yang.

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Some things my guy and I love:

Kung-Fu movies (one of our first bonding moments was realizing we both loved them)

Cribbage(we'll always have cribbage...and we've the 200+ crib boards to prove it!)
Good beer
Stupid funny guy comedies
Poetry
Music- there's enough common ground that we have plenty to listen to, and can listen to what the other doesn't care for when we're alone

Our mutual ire at stupidity enacted through legislation.
Politically, we're well meshed
Spiritually, I think we're also pretty compatible
We like similar television shows, (except the sports... not my fave, but that's another good reason to go read a book. And Antiques Roadshow puts me to sleep, but he adores it, so I watch with him anyway. Just because.)

We love our son and each other. Pretty good! I think we keep focused on each other, and that helps. We are best friends, despite the differences in our personalities and some preferences. Our backgrounds were different, and with lots of small, important similarities. He's my guy to the end.

4 moms found this helpful

No, my husband and I have the same core values, similar senses of humor and a strong devotion to each other and our family. That's the glue that keeps us together, I think. We have some of the same likes and dislikes but he does have his own interests and I have mine. I think that's what keeps us from being dreadfully dull with each other, the fact that we aren't so matchy-matchy to the "T". I do think that having different religions and one being a partier and the other is not can be very stressful for any relationship. They don't necessarily have to be deal-breaker issues but they do need a lot of talking out, compromising and a meeting of the minds for each party to feel like the relationship works for them.

4 moms found this helpful

My husband and I are VERY similar on politics, religion, social issues, weather we like, activities we enjoy, music taste, movies we like, food we like, fashion sense, alcohol we like, we agree most times on what is the perfect date night.

We can read each others minds sometimes. If I am wanting to leave a social interaction or something all I have to do is look at him and he knows.

We see eye-to-eye on disciplining our child.

We can finish each others sentences and know what the others opinion is or will be before they say it.

He is a little more messy than me, but not a big deal.
I am a germ-a-phobe with mild OCD, so not many people are going to be on my level with that LOL

And our sex life is perfect. Everything I want and need, I get.

We are like two peas in a pod. We were made for each other.
He is the love of my life :) We are about to celebrate our 7 year anniversary :D

4 moms found this helpful

My hubby and I are polar opposites as far as a lot of our interests go. He loves camping, I'm all about spa day. He loves reading religious books of all sorts, I enjoy my magazines. He's a wall flower at parties, I'm the social butterfly. However, that's not to say ALL our interests were opposite, we both love broadway shows, fine dining, traveling and more. But the biggest importance is that we both work at putting one another first above all else. If his buddies ask him to go out and he sees I'm spent with being with our kids all day, he'll always offer to stay home at put the kids to bed. I also believe that we work too because when it comes to the most important things in life (kids, money, religion etc..) we are on the same page when it comes to decision making time. We agree debt is not an option, we agree that our kids need to learn respect, we agree that God needs to be in our home and we attend each others extra curricular (dance recitals, soccer games etc..) activities as a family. We are a unit, we need to treat it as such. Sorry your marriage didn't work the way you were hoping:( I hope you are ok.

3 moms found this helpful

SO in order for a marriage to work what do you think the major things you have to have in common are? Whats important?

IMO, THE most important thing to have in common, is mutual respect for each other. My husband and I have just about everything in common with each other, but w/o that respect for each other, our marriage wouldn't be as great as it is!

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Values, yes. Activities, not so much. You have to have enough things in common that you can agree on big issues. Different religions aren't always an issue per se, but they are when it comes to values, religious observances and education, and holidays. Messy & neat - that can be a source of daily conflict. Partying vs. movies - how are you going to spend your social time? But the type of music, type of books, that sort of thing doesn't matter as much. It sounds like you did have common ground with outdoors, family activities. And sex is definitely important!

My husband and I don't read the same types of books, but who cares if we're sitting on the same beach that we love and just reading our own thing. We don't like the same type of music most of the time, but we do find common ground for long trips (that's key). But we're on track with kids, movies. Oh yeah, and sex. LOL. And religious values (even though we come from different traditions).

Figure out why you are getting divorced and cite the issues that were deal breakers for you - THOSE are the ones you need to keep in mind. Irritants are something else again - can you overlook them if the big ducks are in a row?

3 moms found this helpful

A common respect of each other.

You have to learn how to put up with the things that you dont have in common for that person, because you love them that much. My husband and I dont have Everything in common but we make it work. We do have a love of some things the same, movies, humor, outdoors, etc.

We dont see eye to eye on the same religion and he likes different music then I normally do but we make it work because we love each other that much where those things dont matter. And I cant imagine myself wanting to be with anyone else. He is my everything.

3 moms found this helpful

I agree with Diane B. My husband and I have similar values, although I'm not sure how because we come from vastly different backgrounds.

He was a blind date and as we joke now, 25 years later, that he was a complete experiment. He was so different than anyone else I had been dating and they weren't working out so I had to do something different!

As I said we came from completely different backgrounds. My husband came from an educated, white-collar corporate executive family. Me, self-employed working class.
Different religions: he-Catholic, me-Baptist.
I was and still am a financial conservative, he's willing to take a risk (and done very well) with investments.
Politically - we tend to cancel each other out.
He was (is) a complete slob. I was and still am, rather anal about things. BUT, I found it important to lower my standards, just a bit, which was much easier than bringing him up to mine.
We really are more opposite than similar.

What I think makes our relationship work? Communication. We literally talk about everything! And I mean everything!! Just this past weekend I was at my breaking point with a never ending stream of commitments I had for a week and I felt he could be helping me slice the cheese for Easter. But instead of ASKING him, I ASSUMED he knew it needed to be done and got in a pissy mood! OK, I'm not a toddler or a teenager, I know better. Bottom line, once I told him I was stressed and needed help, Boom it was done and even enlisted the children so I could shower.

The other thing is, and it goes back to that communication, we talked about everything before we got married. Because of the church we got married in, we were required to take those marriage classes. We really had already worked out a lot of the issues, but those classes do force you to take a hard look and self-evaluate how you view things. In my opinion, there should be some sort of pre-maritial counseling required to get a license no matter what religion, if any. It helps open the communication.

I've heard him joke that he'd rather be happy than right and I guess I'd agree. There are certain things that just are not worth the fight. Is it really that big of an issue that he uses my kitchen towels to wipe his mouth? Nope, throw it in the laundry room, get him a napkin and get a clean one. I'm sure I have habits that drive him nuts, although I can't imagine any. :) Just kidding!

I am dead serious that, my husband and I have been together 25 years and married almost 23. If it's possible I love him more now than I did back then. We've had issues, sick babies, financial difficulties, both of us finished our college after marriage, ill parents, etc. But we've faced them together, always!

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Maybe you can take some of the thoughts and file them away for your next relationship. And if need be, you need to do some self-evaluation, you do that as well.

In good health,

ps. I love what Heather posted about putting one another first. We've done that as well. Of course the kids were/are well cared for, loved and treasured, but we did things together knowing that someday it would just be us. We can make a trip to Home Depot an adventure!

3 moms found this helpful

Different:
Religions (although he goes with me and the kids)
view on abortion ( I am 100% prolife, he has exceptions to prolife)
He's messy and I'm OCD tidy.
He saves everything, I toss things when he's not looking. (Although, he tells me to throw things away before he sees them so that he won't be tempted to keep them)

Same:
Just about everything else...

What's important? He is truely my best friend!! I can't imagine my life without him!

3 moms found this helpful

My husband and I have a lot in common. We're both mostly neat, like to stay home, Christian (I am Catholic and we've agreed to raise the children Catholic), we're definitely on the same page about money and our future, etc. I can definitely say we get more alike as the years go by. We've been married 10 years, but we've know each other 18.

I definitely think the same views on money, the future, and child-rearing are important.

2 moms found this helpful

I think we all change as we grow, I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and so is my husband, the important thing for me is where we end...no dead (lol) but our goal.
When I first met my husband we didn't have NOTHING in comun, not even the same lenguage, I was hot, he was in the nerdy side, I had a kid he wasn't sure if he would ever had one, I was all about fashion and fitness, he was all about computers and video games. I speak Spanish he speak English, etc.
He wasn't nothing I was looking for, he wasn't bad, just not what I wanted.
I don't want to sound like a crazy, but really, it was always something that push us together, so many causalities and weird things that keep puting us together, I am not sure but one day I just couldn't be one day without being with him.
Well, if you see us now, is like we are becoming each other, he is such a fashionista, I am thinking putting a computer in the bathroom, he lost so much weigh...I gain so much weight, lol.
We still have so many things that we are not comun, but we have the same goal and some times we met in our path and is lots of fun!

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I personally dont think you need anything in common per se, but the ability to fully respect and handle differences.
My boyfriend of a year and a half is the polar opposite of me nearly, Im hot tempered, hes calm mostly, I'm all cutesy, hes punk. But we respect each other, and I find him more appealing because I never get bored of him because we nearly always have a different opinion on things. Leads to intresting conversations.

2 moms found this helpful

My ex and I had everything in common as far as interests and values. We loved the same music, art, movies, shows, hobbies, etc. We valued family and honesty and could talk about anything. We actually had a counselor tell us we were too honest with each other. We didn't even fight much. Our difference was in drive. He was kinda lazy and needed to be encouraged to do/try anything. He needed constant reassurance and I was very self-confident and driven. He didn't like this about me. He didn't want me to go back to school ("you already have a degree"), start new hobbies, make new friends. We were both very social and loud but it had to be on his terms with his friends.

**Flash forward**

My husband is quiet and I am loud. He is a country boy, I lived in the city. I love art and trendy fun things and he could care less about what is in style or looks "pretty". We have the same values and work in the same field so we get each other when we talk work. He is not as social as I am however I find I am more content to be at home and just "hang". We like the same movies most of the time but our tastes can be very different. He plays volleyball and now I have started too. I love trying new foods and he only ate chicken and pizza when we met. He now tries everything...he loves BBQ squid, has tried quail eggs and other odd foods (to me).

Being into the same things helps but it isn't necessary. I am far more content with my nearly polar opposite husband. We have adapted to each other and compliment each other in many ways. It works and we rarely argue. We learn and grow from each other. I think that is important.

I still get along with my ex. We were good at being friends but I am SO VERY, VERY glad to NOT be with him. We still share much in common and he has grown but having everything in common does not make a relationship. There was nothing else there. No spark or passion. That is also an important ingredient in a healthy relationship.

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heavens, no.
that's what keeps it interesting!
:) khairete
S.

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds like me husband and I, but I don't think we are headed towards divorce. We have some things in common, and yes I wonder often how we started dating. But we are happy with eachother and we have definitely learned to respect the others taste in things. Our music choices is a big one. He likes hard core rock and I think it hurts my ears and would much rather have silence then to listen to it. But I do b/c he is respectful enough to listen to my music.

So I guess to answer your question - you have to be able to respect eachothers choices even if you do not agree with them.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, I think you need to have the compatible goals in life: you want to be a stay at home mother, him wanting to be a provider for the family works, but you want to be a stay at home mom and him wanting a 2 income family or wanting to stay at home himself... not good!

Same morals. This goes with religion. I really think religion is important but that could just be a me thing... Morals are important in the extreme though. If he comes from a culture/family that spanks and you do not think that is right... well it will be a fight for at least 12 years of childrearing... that needs to be in line or you will be tearing up the relationship for a LONG time.

music... not a big deal to me but I really don't care about music all that much. This could be a deal breaker though for a guy that was the leader of a band...

Spending habits not so much as WHAT it is spent on. What you spend money on is what you REALLY think is important. Spend money on kids clothing? the children are important... a new 2 seat convertible? looking HOT and rich and not getting stuck with the kids is important.

My husband an I have the messy/neat fight all the time... I would just rather be on the floor with the kids than organizing... working on that...

Hobbies are VERY important. Guys connect by doing while girls connect by talking... So having something to DO that stimulates that connection area in him is necessary and gets him to talk.

1 mom found this helpful

I totally agree that the most important thing is mutual respect! My parents have nothing in common and they've been married for 30 years!!

My husband and I have just about everything in common, but if we didn't have respect...it would not matter at all. I would not want to share my life with him, if he didn't respect me. I have a feeling your "rather be out partying" husband might not have a lot of respect...

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I are happily married and we have some things in common but I think the crucial things are that you agree on :

religion, values, child-rearing, money manageing etc. ---those are top discussion points that can create drama and stress in marriage.

As far as food goes, we are total opposites! My husband loves any kind of meat, potatoes, super sugary foods, coffee, hot and spicy food. I on the other hand am a vegetarian, love fresh fruit and veggies and do NOT like meat or real spicy things. We make different foods for everyone in our family because of our differences in tastes. HTH

M

1 mom found this helpful

I think there are things that need to be a common ground that you both understand or are interested in or have the ability to show interest in the other's passions/hobbies. My hunny and I have tons in common and tons that we don't, but we share them all with eachother and respect each other's views on these things that make us "tick".

1 mom found this helpful

I've found havig common goals to be more important than common interests.

Even though my husband and I have different hobbies, different things we like to talk about, different taste in movies and tv shows, different taste in food, etc. If our goals are in line for our short and long term future, the rest falls into place and we are happy with eachother. One of those goals is to support the other person's interests even though it may mean time apart. When we respect each other's interests, hobbies, etc...and show that our interest in them is the other person's fulfillment, it makes it all good.

And because I support and respect his goals in relation to his hobby, he does not linger there. He comes home quickly instead of socializing with all the othe guys there who don't have family responsibilities.

We both enjoy traveling, some of the same projects, some of the same subjects....but we are still very different people, making it work because we respect our love and the family we've created.

All the best to you in your new future!

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, religion, morals, core values, spending habits, hobbies, movies, communication, goals, compassion... we have very much in common. Of course, I read while he plays video games, or I shop while he hangs out, or I'll watch a Pride and Prejudice and he wants to watch an action movie... but even then we still take part in each other's interests and take turns picking out movies. Over all we have a deep respect for each other.

I think that having similar goals in religion, family goals, core values and financial matters are some of the most important things in having a successful relationship, like you said, hobbies and such can be worked around.

1 mom found this helpful

I had a lot in common with my ex, and I have a lot in common with my dh (books, movies, religion, politics, etc.). Difference is, my ex is a permanent goal-less child (we met when we were teenagers, so it made sense at first), and my dh and I strive to be overachievers (we met after college and I already had a child, so no time for losers!)
The basics like books and religion are meaningless when two people are trying to head in two different directions.

i think that in order to stay together mostly you need a good moral ground. and a commonality in how you want to live your married life. (obviously:)). my husband and i are both pretty neat. we both like mostly the same type of music. we definitely don't like the same movies. we both are homebodies or like to visit family or go to the beach. he used to party like crazy before we got together, i never did. now he doesn't either. my husband was raised Pentacostal or Baptist (both) and I was raised Non-denominational. My husband loves fishing, and I find it so-so. He adores hunting, I can't stand the mosquitoes. I love animals and he doesn't care so much. And we are both pretty tight with our money. We are both really into our family and making sure we do things together when he has off of work. I think that people are not supposed to have everything in common. it would make things kinda boring. it just depends on whether a person can take what the differences are and work with them.

Actually my husband and I have very little in common and do pretty well 99.9% of the time (but hey, no relationship is perfect) I constantly want to go and have to get every last little thing done perfectly and in general make myself crazy. he can sit on his rear for hours on end on the computer and not notice if the house burns down. But we make a great team and I think that's what matters. He forces me to spend money that I wouldn't ever spend, to stop and just relax or go out with my friends, and keeps me from going completely looney trying to keep the kids from missing a single opportunity (like the times when there are 6 places to be and seeing as how I'm super women I think we can pull it off). In a lot of ways the things that most people would say are his flaws are what keeps me balanced and because I will openly admit I'm a control freak i keep him balanced (cause he really would go to work on 2 hours of sleep because he was on his computer all night, lol)

I have a lot in common with my husband (background, family values, politics....) so all i cared about is chemistry. If the way he acted when you marry them is pretty much consistant to the way he acts now then there shouldn't be any complaints on the wife's part, it is the wife that needs to change back, she knew what she got at the time. If he changes, then she could either change with him or there is a problem and something must be done. Both can't be selfish, compromise is in order.

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