Do We Stay Together Because "We Should"!

Do you stay together because you should? My gut reaction is yes but let me qualify that. When you got married you made a committment. When you had kids you further committed to that relationship. 4 years of marriage is not a long time. People change and children change a relationship even more. The sad fact is that after marriage and children the spark can go out pretty quickly. It's a huge jump from being boyfriend and girlfriend to being husband, wife, parents, breadwinners, bill payers, house cleaners, yard mowers, taxi service.. etc etc etc.
I think you owe it to your kids and your marriage to try and resolve some of the issues. You think he's too hard... he thinks your too soft. There's common ground that is reachable. But you both have to want to reach it.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about your attraction (or lack of it) to your husband. I right there myself. But I understand it's due to all the tension, resentment that I've built up.
K. sit down with your husband and devise a plan. Maybe marriage counseling is a good start. But let me tell you something.... counseling is a dead end if you expect it to be a cure all.

If you tried all avenues of repairing your relationship and it still doesn't work then you can revisit your options. Marriage should not be disposable. I honestly believe that when you have kids you have dedicated your life to them until they are grown. The ideal life of course is for them to live with both parents in a happy loving home. Remember you are teaching them how married people relate to each and they will remember. If you and your husband are so miserable that you are making them miserable then maybe changes need to be made.

Good Luck K.

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K.,
First I just want to say that, excepting the medication, I have been in your shoes. I know the depths of emotion your dealing with. I'm sorry that so many people face this situation everyday, but I'm also here to say that you have reason to hope for a better future.

Someone earlier said that you and your kids deserve to be "happy" to paraphrase, and that to be happy you probably need to split with your husband. Let me propose a different point of view: You and your kids DESERVE to find out how people who are having a hard time getting along, agreeing, people who made a promise to love each other through thick and thin, work things out and live a better life than they were living before.

It's true that when your kids grow up, they WILL remember this. They WILL remember the tension, the sadness, the fear they felt. Is their fear going to turn into a shattered reality? If you choose to stick it out, to change your relationship for the better, then you give your children a beautiful gift. They will remember how you handled this and will be able to work out the tough problems in their lives too. By committing to work on this relationship you show your kids how to keep a promise though the odds are stacked against you. You're showing them true love. They deserve that.

If you look into it, there is overwhelming evidence (all over the internet, books) that families, husbands and wives, who stick it out, are doing what's best for their kids. Giving up is not the best thing for your kids. And I would say, it's not the best for you either. I wanted to give up many times in my relationship, but I didn't and I would never trade who I am today for who I was at those times. It was worth the pain, the self-discovery, the change, the GIVING-IN to my husband with a smile and letting him lead the way...yes, even that.

I didn't lose happiness. I found myself, and my love. The passion in my marriage returned. It's possible. Don't give up, don't let go.

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K.,

You should see a marriage counslor for help. I did and it helped my marriage, my husband and I have been married for nine years and together for thirteen years. We have a nine year old son and five year old daughter. If it did not work I would have had to leave him, because depression leads to other problems, and the only people suffering that even matters is your children first and then yourself. Let him know your feeling and that you would love to work this situation out, and that divorce is the last resort for you. While the children are still young enough for you to make this decision for a divorce. Because the older they get the harder it is.

I know.....

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K.,

Does your husband agree there is a problem? If he recognizes there is one, but the two of you just can't seem to find any ways to fix it on your own, then by all means go to marriage counselling. It's much easier if the two of you go together, but if he won't go you can always try to go on your own and see if that helps at all. Once you've dealt with your own issues (you can only change yourself, you can never change anyone else who doesn't want to change) then decide what will work in your marriage and what won't. Only you can decide what the deal-breaker is going to be. I have been in your shoes, including the depression, sleeping aids and lack of interest in sex. Marriage counselling was the answer for us. During our marriage (we'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary this coming June) we've gone to counselling twice. It was VERY difficult, but ultimately it helped tremendously. I have also gone to counselling on my own and actually really enjoyed it. It was interesting to discover why I act and react the way I do. With the right attitude, self-discovery is alot of fun.

Good luck to you and your family.

T.

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Okay Im not trying to be mean but I see youre 24 and have had a child almost every year since youve been married ... Take a break ...no more babies .. for a little while .. and try and go away just the two of you .. or go to counseling or go on a date night ... Its hard to have a flame when youve been pregnant and raising kids your whole marriage ... you need to focus on the two of you more... Its great you have the children ..but take a break and enjoy your family too because your not able to focus on being with each other .. as a couple ... Also ... what are you going to do on your own financially???? raising three kids on your own is not going to be easy ... so give it time and try it make it work ... Now if your husband is an addict, cheating, abusing you then forget my advice and run ..otherwise keep trying ... and remember enjoy each other make time for each other ... youre probably depressed because in only four years you have gotten married and had three children ..and your only 24 and you probably are both stressed out and your overwhelmed and dont have time for each other only ... trust me my husband and go through this and we only have one daughter ,.... As for the sex thing alot of women ... have trouble wanting to have sex after a baby ... I had and finally after a year ... I had to realize it was hurting my marriage ... get creative .. try new things and you may find out you do want it after all... with your husband ...

I am not a counselor or a shrink but I am a teacher with a "little" history with depression and have 2 teenage step children and a 17 month old. GO SEE A COUNSELOR!!!!! Your depression may be causing the problems in your marriage more than you think. I also think you should take a parenting class with or without your husband. It will help you with your confidence as a parent. do think everything over and try all avenues before you make the decision to split up. But the biggest advice i can give you is to keep talking to your husband and keep listening to him with respect. I know that's hard when your'e feeling so yucky but communication is the most important way to save your marriage.

God bless and my thoughts are with you.

K.,

I know your relationship seems hopeless but I highly recommend working on it.

My husband and I had a similar situation. We attended a Personal Mastery seminar w/ Klemmer & Associates and now, our marriage and sex life is similar to the days when we were first dating. Remember when you went on your first date and you had buterflies in your belly? You can have that again. Your children deserve happy, loving parents.

Check their website out at www.klemmer.com.

Good luck!!!

K.,

I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunatly he will probably not change. I have recently joined a team call Stayin Home & lovin It! We team up toghether and promote Wellness. The reason I am telling you this is I had all of the same feeling about my husband and I was looking for someway of earning an income from home and I found this team. Wow! It has been unbelievable. I am not so bothered by the things that my husband does because I have something for my self. I would love to take you to a call that my company created so you can hear the excitment and fun we have. I have four children and even tough i am not happy in my marriage I will not make a change because of them. I have felt a lot better with all of the support I get from my team. Go to my website and get more information. Http://colleend.stayinhomeandlovinit.com

When I read your story I knew exactly how you felt. I now that Myself and team can help you feel better.

C.
Mom to Danielle, Nicole, Amanda & Joe-Joe

although staying sounds wonderful and selfless for your children, is it really? your children watch your every move. although they are young, they grow up quick. you are showing them that they should be unhappy with another person. i know you want them to grow up happy and be in love but will they ever think that they deserve to be loved properly unless you show them? it sounds harsh but you have to lead by example. you know that do as i say don't do as i do is a wonderful thought, but it's not reality.
personally i would go to counseling,and buy yourself a good dildo. if the counseling doesn't work, move on with him (keep the latter) and move on. besides, you wouldn't be taking his kids away. they should see you happy. you and they deserve it!!

K.,

I am going to respond from the other side of the fence than most have. I was in a situation very similair to yours, although I wasn't married for nearly as long. Only a year.
I was on antidepressants, only wanted to sleep, plus I was pregnant! I hated being around my now ex-husband, didn't want him touching me, we fought about 90% of the time, the other 10% we got along b/c I kept my mouth shut! I worked hard to keep my marriage together! I let my ex-husband adopt my oldest son and only 3 weeks later he kicked me & the boys out of the house! My oldest son saw way too many fights, saw me cry way too many times. We divorced and it was the best thing we could've done! We're friendly now, he's remarried w/a baby on the way, my kids love their step-mom and more importantly, I trust her w/my kids. I've been in a relationship w/a wonderful man for almost 2 years now. We're all much happier and as a result, our kids are much happier.....consequently, I stopped my antidepressant meds after my ex & I split up, haven't been on them since and am happier now than I've ever been!

While I am not saying go get divorced right now, work on it, go to counseling, try date nights, time alone for just the 2 of you...listen to your heart. You'll know if it's time to move on & it is entirely possible that it'll be better in the long run. Going back & forth for the kids was really difficult at first, especially my youngest since he was only 6 months old, but now that they're on a routine schedule, it's ok. I of course absolutely HATE not having my boys fulltime, but, I realize that so does their father!

I'm not saying that divorce is the answer for everyone, just that it was the right thing for me and my boys! My boys are both very well adjusted! If you do end up divorcing, that doesn't mean that you are "taking him from his kids". He can still be a part of the childrens' lives.

Good luck to you!

Hello K.,
I think you and your husband should go into marriage counseling. Then you should be seeing a counselor for yourself. Did you write in about gaining weight since your last child-if so that could be one of your problems. Sorry to be so harsh, but if you love staying at home with your children and you have a good life then you need to work together with your husband to make it work.
A. M

contact your Dr. you may be having side effects from all the meds. alot of times people lose their sex drive this sounds like the case, it's pretty common. If he/she rules it not an issue,well the truth is you won't always be completely enfatuated with your husband. As life goes on you'll learn new things you like and don't like about him. You're just in a rut. If you still care and want to feel that way again then the answer is a big No do not leave. It sounds like you have a great family you care for. Talk to your dr. and your husband about this. you need to consult your husband before you give up and let him try to fix maybe something he's doing wrong, don't you think? Communication in a marriage is the most important part, along with learning to compromise. Just relax and try to work things out the flame will die out on every relationship after so long, will you just keep trading in for better versions every 7 yrs? Now you have to work on it, it won't always be as exciting as the beginning, you know that. maybe you're having that 7 yr. itch people talk about.lol
As far as dicipline and the kids you're different. talk about things that you really think are unacceptable, otherwise do what you do and let him do things his way as long as you're both looking for the same result. the kids will learn what to expect from each of you, so just be united in your goals and things will work out!

Hi K.. You sound just like me about a year ago. I had just had my 3rd child and I was the same way around my husband. I found that I was tired all the time and learning that being a parent was hard work. I didn't plan any of my pregnancies and I think I turned a bit bitter towards him.(not to say I don't love each one of my little ones) -I never wanted to be touched, I only wanted to sleep. I felt that maybe I was a mess because of my husband. Then I took a step back and thought about everything. I tried picturing myself with someone else, and I didn't want anyone else. It was just me. So I began talking to my husband about everything and really listening to him. I don't know how religious you are but I also started reading a book called "The purpose driven life" -that helped me alot...I am rambling now, but I really did feel the same way as you and I stuck it out and it worked.

Life is not a Disney movie where everyone lives happily ever after, we have to work really hard to keep a good relationship alive. Try counselling, try taking some time apart, try anything to remind you and your husband of why you fell in love 7 years ago. If nothing else works and you find you have truly grown apart, then make sure you can still be friends and divorce amicably. The last thing your children need is to see that being married means being unhappy. Just by getting divorced you won't be taking your husband away from the kids, if you live close enough they can still see both of you almost every day. My parents divorced when I was 4 and all I remember of them being together is fighting. Is that how you want your children to see you two?

are you serious you have three children and no job. if you get who will watch 3 kids for free there goes your pay check. all thes responses are telling you if the moms depressed they will remember it ,but if your broke and trying to raise 3 you will also be depressed. stick it out go to counseling or something. go on dates with each other alone no children at least once a week and just have fun like when you first met, your still very young

Hi K., my name is K.. I am a mom to a 1 year old little bundle of energy boy.. I live in hartford and married to a man that does not fall far from perfect but am too going tru the same thing as you.as i was reading your request i really needed to hold back my tears since i know how difficult this situation can be. in your case i really think you should take a moment to consider your kids.. do you think they want to be around an unhappy mom? depression is not an easy thing belive me i have been on that trip since before i had my baby and it can get ugly at times. if you work better without him , maybe its time to give your kids happy mom again. think about it, in order for you to be able to give your kids the best care, you need to take care of yourself first. as for you and him , i belive in ending things as civil as possible if the two of you do come across separating , do it before things get worse. keeping a friendship or at least something like it do help kids to feel more comfortable. when things seem out of control in your head, the best theraphy is talking. let it out be honest about your feelings with him and if does not work, at least you know you were open. my blessings go out to you and your family.
when everything seems to fail and crumble the solution is not further than the distance between your knees and the floor. I will make sure to say a prayer for you and your family. take care.
love , K.

Forgive me for speculating but it sounds as if you are failing to communicate. My advice: Carl Rogers the "founder" of psychotherapy has this suggestion in regards to a break down in communication. When your husband says something to you, you need to repeat it back to him until he is fully satisfied that you understand what he is trying to say and vice-versa. It very well may be that you two are on the same page but don't even know it. Men and women are very different beings and express themselves in very different ways. This technique is not easy and may be accomplished better with an outside unbiased source. I.e. a therapist. It could very well be the reason that you don't want to touched either. For myself, when i feel like my partner is not hearing what i am trying to say, the last thing i want is to be intimate. Bottom line is until you exhast all the options you have to keep your family together i don't feel leaving him is the answer. If he does not want therapy it can still be very benificial to you because you can speak freely and without reprecussions. Again sorry to be so frank but I speak from experience and see a therapist myself. You might want to buy Carl Rogers "on becoming a person" it is available at Borders.

WOW!! How did you get into my head and write this? I swear you are living my life and I am sorry for that. If you find anything that works please let me know. My husband and I have been in counseling for 3 months and not much has changed. I wish I knew you so we could be each other's support. I too am on meds, I take welbutrin and it helps but I cant remember the last time I slept through the night. I hope it all works out for you.

I just wanted to let you know that as people grow things change. You must always think of your kids first. As much as it may hurt them seeing you two apart, it hurts them more to see you in your current situation. You may not realize how much they see or feel but they are more intuitive then we give them credit for. If you feel you can not talk to your husband about this then you should start considering other options.

It is never easy but things that are best for us won't ever be easy.

I wish I could give you advice on this because I am actually in pretty much the same predicament! My husband and I have been married 6 yrs and together for 7 yrs. We have two gorgeous girls who I stay home with...and completely adore! I am afraid of losing everything I ever wanted - house, good husband and father, etc....but the passion has been gone for ME for about 6-9 months but he still LOVES ME. I have been pretty depressed too but haven't been taking any meds. I am starting to seek personal counsiling, though. It's pretty fightening when you start to think about leaving, separating or even divorcing! But I have. I feel like I am working overtime trying to convince myself that we HAVE to stay together - for the kids, ya know.
Good luck to you...and me too, i guess. Sorry I am not A N Y help at all... I was just a little interested in someone with the same problem as me!

Stay together! It sounds like the only real source of frustration in your marriage is the conflict on parenting issues, and that is affecting all other areas of your relationship. Solve that problem, and I think everything else will fall into place.

Read some parenting books, I would recomend any of the books on parenting by James Dobson, Boundaires for Kids by Townsend, and I've also been through a study called Growing Kids God's Way. You haven't really said whether your methods of negotiation work well with the kids, but maybe that is where some of your husband's frustration comes in, if that isn't working. But you are both coming from different perspectives and need to find common ground. Sometimes a spanking may be needed for outright rebellion issues, but it needs to be done calmly and gently. But you need to find consistent methods that work, and you need to discuss this together, and maybe a family counselor could help you work these things out.

Once you get these issues under control, i think you will find the spark returning, when you are not feeling so stressed and frustrated about disagreeing on this major part of your lives. And make sure you get a date night on a regular basis to keep your relationship alive and growing and not drowned out by the practical matters of everyday life. A good man is worth keeping, so fix the problems and pour the energy into your marriage and family to make it work!!! God bless...