just tolerate me because they adore my parents. I always enjoy seeing my extended family. I think all of them are wonderful. We spent the weekend with a relative and her family. She never calls me..she does call my sister and my mom. To my it seems like they just tolerate me. Since they adore my parents. I have 2 siblings one lives across the country and the other sibling is going to move across the country also. I am so completely depressed about this. I really wanted my kids to have cousins they grew up with that they saw at least 5 times a yr. I am sick of trying to rekindle a relationship with 3 of my cousins. They all have each other. My sibling will eventually be gone from my state and my kids will no longer see his child. My cousins do NOT need me they each come from a family of 4 kids. They are all close with ea other. They all have nice kids and our kids get along wonderful. Maybe my extended family just doesnt like me..I am so tired hoping for a stronger relationship with some of them. The only reason I keep trying is for my kids. So they have the wonderful family experience I had growing up. My favorite aunt has over and over not invited me and my kids when she said she would. I love my family. Maybe I am just werid and they dont want to do anything with me.
Also we are not close at all to my husband brother sil. They really never had any interest in a relationship with us. Plus they dont have kids. They have about 15 yrs older then us.
We have always been a big close extended family. Now I am 43 yrs. My oldest cousin is 10 yrs older then I. We have not been close close to 20 yrs but I remained close with his one sister and parents. My other cousins I was close with 3 siblings. Closer with 2 of them then all 3. When we are together we all enjoy our company.
There are times I feel this way about my family. Then I plan something, call and invite them, and they all come.
I think at times we don't realize how little we are reaching out and only notice how little the other is reaching out.
Or maybe you are right, you didn't state how much you reach out to them to do things. :)
You are not always born into a family sometimes you have to create it. My family is not close. My mom comes to things I beg her to. My sister and brothers never come to anything. My kids are close. I have girlfriends that they call Aunt and my husband has friends that they call uncle. Each of those friends have kids. our kids are not true cousins but if you have a close circle of friends around you your children are not missing out on "blood" relatives. sometimes those blood relatives are really not all that great anyway.
They can love you, too. I wouldn't feel like they just tolerate you because they don't reach out to you. My cousins and my siblings were raised together. They were practically my brothers, too. My older cousin has 3 kids, 2 of which are my kids ages. We get together every once in a while now that we are older for family functions (which are also rare nowadays), but his daugther and my daughter are close. They really like to be together. They have been in school together for the last 3 yrs or so, and they only live about 1.5 miles away from me. I go pick up their daughter every once in a while to come over, but i don't hang out with them or anything. they have their lives and interests, which don't always interest me. i love them, they love me, and i know this. i haven't seen my younger male cousin in about a year or more. i used to go to his house all the time back when his son was younger. we had cookouts about every weekend. i was at my grandmas house and he called to see if i wanted something for my winshield for my car. but he didn't come over. But I know they love me, just as I love them. We would help eachother out if needed. Some people just don't like to reach out.
I've had family like this. They have their own lives, their interests - and I'm just not an important part of those things. It's the way they are (and were - many have now died).
So... when I would become unhappy about them, I would have to think, "Why do I need them to need me so much?"
And long ago I decided not really to pursue getting them to need me. My need for importance isn't as important (there's that word again) as I sometimes think it is. And when a person tries too hard to be liked, there's usually a negative reaction, not a positive one.
On the other hand, I do have friends who enjoy my company. I'm kind of a nice person - not totally wonderful and awe-inspiring, but pretty nice. Maybe all my relatives are/were missing something! But, again, that's not something I can change.
So I'm glad to be with my relatives when I can. I can love them - without expecting anything back! I taught my children to do the same when they were growing up.
But my closest friends, the companions most near my heart, are elsewhere. In a sense, they're the family I've had the privilege of choosing for myself.
How long has this been going on? Is this recent or has it been going on since you were a child? It sounds from the tone of your post it's recent. It may have nothing to do with you but with your hubby. The tone of your post also shows low self esteem. Has this been going on for long or is it recent?
When I was married I was in the same situation as you are and guess what, it wasn't ME but HIM my family HATED my ex-husband. And because of that I was not welcome at family functions because he would be there also.
It's time to have a heart to heart with your Aunt and ask her why you are not included in family fundtions. If she says it's because of the hubby, listen and don't defend him, just listen. She and other family members may be seeing a behavior in him that you are not seeing or excusing. It might be time to really look at the situation.
My main question is, are you making an effort to invite them to do things? Or are you sitting around moping & waiting for them? All I'm saying is that it's a 2 way street.
My cousins lived close, but to be honest, we had nothing in common. They were older and could have cared less that we existed. It was and still is fine with me.
Go find some good family friends to hang with -- your kids would much rather be with their friends anyway...
LBC
It is what it is.
If you want your kids to have time with them, then obviously YOU will have to be the one to plan it. Otherwise, don't expect them to plan it -- they've made that pretty clear.
Other than that, find friends whose families you can bond with. Many people don't have close extended families, but they still have good lives.
My Mother's sisters are close - but in the way of communicating by phone and letters. My Mom is the only sister that moved out of their birth state. My Dad's side isn't extremely close - mainly the eldest sister tried to keep everyone connected and the other siblings just don't care. She's the only sibling that never had children and loves to spend time with everyone's children and is my daughter's Great Aunt and they are close.
I've never been close to my cousins... or even my Aunts and Uncles except for the eldest sister of my Dad's. She and my Dad moved to FL (with my Mom of course) after his first break from the military. We have 2nd cousins that live like 1 hour away we try to see once every 2 years...
Sometimes Mom's family would have a huge holiday together and every 5 years or so we'd go up too... and see Dad's family while up there since most live in or around NJ - their birth state on both sides.
I don't notice a gap or lack of familial contact. It's never hurt or upset me...
My half sister and I LOVE each other, her grown children LOVE my grown son and we all LOVE each other, HOWEVER, throughout the years (starting from my half sis and my childhoods...she is five years younger then I, her father hated the site of me...I was only five when he first met me)....Family dynamics are difficult, we all have to do the best we can do. By the grace of God my family has basically remained close, even thought we have had our moments. When my step farther died a few years ago, I was not even sure I would be welcome at his service....but (again, by the grace of God), my dear sister asked me to come and also help with the reception after the service because I have catering experience. There are things about my step father that I would NEVER tell his grandchildren because they loved him so. The week after his service I received a thank you note from my little sis saying she couldn't have got through it without me......So I'm tearing up right now and maintain that family dynamics are what they are and we all just have to do the best we can do.
Blessings.....
